Rough days.

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As fall approaches, light begins to fade, leaves change color, and a hint of things to come wafts in on the wind from time to time, I begin to go through a tough time. If it were merely a physical thing it would not be so bad. In these times the darkness from my past creeps up on me. I cannot tell if these things merely haunt me, somehow linked to this time of year, or if the darkening world elicits memories and sensations from the past since they share something in common. All I know is that my personal ghosts are back.

I do not remember specific people or events, necessarily. My mind simply drifts, like the earth as is spins away from the sun, into darker places. Sometimes I get a hint of what is going on in the netherworks, faces, places, times, events. More often I am simply left with a terrible group of emotions. So strong are these feelings that I become, if very temporarily, nauseous. The things I have seen and done are terrible. Even these things are not the problem though, to be honest. I have accepted and dealt with most of that. The problem, I think, comes when I did terrible things which were against my notions of right and wrong. Times when I asked myself who I really was and what I was doing there or how I could do what I was doing. Imagine a blood spattered face in your visage in dim light. Then realizing it was your face, in a mirror. None of the blood is yours and the surrounds are more frightening than your bloody face. Fill in the rest at your leisure. No, that is not among the things that have come consciously to mind, only an example.

In the past this might be a time in which I was more prone to thinking about suicide. I am done with that. Then I would think it only fair, just, or right and wish that I had died, been killed, or killed myself. I am over that as well. Now I just understand that knowing shame, then as now, means I do know something about right and wrong. It makes me contemplate my actions a bit more thoroughly. I have repented for my sins, as fully and honestly as I can. I have attempted to change my life. And yet that little devil still lives inside, the one who cherishes all my misdeeds. The one who loves this time. Prayer, at times like these, is simply a good thing. Honestly... it does work. Though I pray over every meal and at night and sometimes just because as well as when I hear a prayer request or see one, at times like these, more prayer is a good thing. As I said, it works too... if I remember and call on God. Still, I cannot pray all of the time.

Sam put a scare in me tonight. Usually when I let her out, she is out for a few hours and then wants back in. A simple call will get her to return. If she is not around, I go back in and try a bit later. Tonight she did not show or 'tell' by clawing at the doors for 6 or 7 hours. Worried does not quite express how I felt. She did return, all is well, and I am doing better. But I think I will keep her in a few days. She may be going farther, for a number of reasons. I have found that when I keep her locked in for a few days, her trips get shorter.

Sassy is becoming quite the young lady cat. She is due to be fixed the 15th. She is so small though, I am not sure this is wise and I plan to call and ask about that. Though growing, she just seems so tiny still. She is, as a general rule, playing nicer. The claw marks have all but faded, the only possible news ones came when something frightened her and she took off without thinking. She is learning. I think she is getting to Sam as well. There have been several times where Sam has entered and... started looking for the kitten. She would come up to me, which I thought was sweet, until I realized she was looking for Sassy. Then she would slip off to nose other known kitteh habitats. You see, I trick the kitty into my room, then close the door, otherwise in the past with the Sassy by the door Sam would not deign to enter. She still will not, mostly. *sigh* Women!

A bit done, a little more, but it is very late. I think the socks will be sorted and put away. Bedtime. It is already 4:00. Well, it beats 6:00 or 8:00. *shrug*

Good night, Bane.