No returns on contacts.

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Not much I can do.  I did call my mother again.  Her phone, again, went right to messaging.  I am almost wondering if, when she is napping, the staff isn't turning her phone to no contact?  Then again, I did text her.  Though, if her phone is set to no contact that wouldn't go through either, actually.  Bleh.

I guess I won't talk to her unless she wants to talk.  I'm not going to worry about it.  She'll have to call me, and... I'll answer if I am awake, my phone is on, and when I can.  I won't call her anymore if this is how it goes.  I understand, she wants some quiet time.  She'll have it.  Or the staff is imposing this.  I can't be certain.

I haven't gotten to much else.  I just can't get going.  I had it warm, drank warm things, got warm.  It just doesn't matter.  Less sun?  No, meds.  I really have to get those set up and going again.  It has been hit or miss, with remnants.  It will take more.

I don't know. Lately, it seems, the world has shut me off.  The one friend who has been trying to get through... I have failed to return on that.  Confused about what to write.  Anyway...  Oh, but an online group I had joined?  I forgot my password, so sent in.  I have tried to get the password reset three times, including this time.  Third time was the charm.  However, I thought that password and else would allow me to comment at their new site.  No such luck.  So, I wrote and email about it.  Haven't heard back.  I guess I'll have to keep trying.  Though... it is a weekend.  And I just sent it.  So... who knows.

I want to go to bed.  I just checked that time, 18:45.  Thankfully.  I could go to bed.  Perhaps should.  But... in a way... it's not quite time.  I have a few things I'd like to do.  Still, for the blog, it is good night.  I am hoping to be tucked in, sleeping, within the hour.  But, I may just go on to bed after a quick browse of the web.  Good night.

Bills, a call, and a text.

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Two bills paid, I hope.  Hopefully not late.  Done.

Then a call to my mother.  Her phone, again, is set to not answer.  She suggested facetime, but that requires an apple phone.  No, just... no.  Easy, but completely compromised, as well as being completely corporatized.  No thank you.  I guess my brother has an apple phone.  While, on androids, you can receive, you can't send.

Then a text.  Someone's birthday today.  I talked to him recently, didn't want to bother him, again, on the phone.  Did want him to know I remembered.  So, there is that.

Chores, soon.  I need to refresh the waterers.  Pretty much all of them.  Lagging, recently.  Barely moving.  Hardly standing.  Mostly sleepy, not so much pained, exhausted, or such.  I just can't keep my mind... or nearly my eyes... open and working.  I have been meaning to pay the bills for... a while now.  Sheesh.

I'll keep trying.  Doing my best.  Hoping.  And praying.  I do pray some number of times a day.  A stray thought, a concern, a people with problems, for those who can, and should, to do right.  Lots of prayers, some very short, some longer.  None too long, I am sleepy.  The cool weather is doing it's thing.

A few good things done.  Oh, I did text my mother, to let her know her phone is no longer ringing through again.  Haven't heard back, from anybody.  But... that... isn't always the point.  Hmm, sounds like I have a visitor...  Later.

Rather cool out there.

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I almost wonder if I read the thermometer incorrectly earlier.  But... after thinking back on it, I am pretty sure I didn't.  Then again, it really only went down four degrees.  I suppose the extra cool, and the feel of it, surprised me.  It is 24 out there, and frost is in place.  Not a heavy frost, just a gentle blush of it.

More, the frost was the moisture, so that is all gone.  It was bone dry and chill in a way usually reserved for winter.  Well, and spots along the way in later fall.  I would say it's a bit early for this level, but... it really isn't.  I think.  It is neither too cold, nor else.  It's... time, or possibly, usually.  It is still 63 in this front room, and 69 to 70 in the main house.

Dressing more warmly is a good way to go.  I can easily handle 70, now.  And, when I crank it to 74 for a bit, I really feel and appreciate it.  At 70, some days, I still move a bit more slowly.  But I can move.  It is being off medicine, currently, I think, which is slowing my wagon... now that I dress more warmly.  I need to get back on medicine.

I did get a return call from my brother.  He is in really rough shape.  He can't eat with his temporary dentures.  The only thing they can do is grind the bone, which... has him on edge.  Some of his jaw bone is making it so he can't use the dentures as intended.  Ugh.  So... he keeps losing weight.  His blood sugar keeps diving.  Yea.  Danged kid... but nothing I can do for him.  And life, in our situations, is rough.  I think, actually, he is in much worse shape than I am.  Worse than mom.  I do worry about him.  Pray, for him, them all.  For good or ill, he has family around him.  That, too, is difficult.  But... it's... we all have our shoes, and crosses, whichever event we live within.  Amen.

Almost eight.  The stun still hasn't crested the mountains.  It would be light in flatlands, but I wouldn't live in flatlands for love or money.  Well, maybe for love?  Maybe.  I suppose even for money, but it would have to be enough to buy a cabin in the mountains, for vacation, as well.  Yea, we all have our prices, on some things, if mostly fiction.  Who could afford such a terrible cost for a fool's errand?

Well, onto something?  Hmm, how about gaming, while I heat the house in an attempt to get a shower before long?  Sounds good.  Well, and some tea.  Just tea.  Yes, I think that would do.  Later.

Not only do I do so, but I hear such.

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Whispers.  Of another.  Wrestling with our love?  I'd like to think so.

If too, I feel... a bit guilty for it.  I do my best, which is... good and bad.

Down early, up later.

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Seems strange, but I have been trying to make that happen.  I wanted more sleep, and to wake a bit later in the morning.  Not much earlier, probably half or quarter to nineteen hundred (7:00 pm), is when I went down.  I've been going to bed between a quarter and half after.  As well, I only pushed the sleep envelope a bit, from around two to nearly three thirty, four?  Something like that.  Still, really, that was only at nine hours down.

I need extra sleep.  Haven't been able to get it.  Even last night, that is a shorter sleep.  I have been avoiding naps, because they will throw my whole day and night cycle off.  Or, eventually.  Now, it will all fall at some point.  No choice.  I am just holding out.  The extra sleep last night is just a start.  I need more nights like that, and maybe more sleep than that as well.  Too long have I been sleeping only six to seven hours.  In the cooling, even cold, and darkening world of fall and winter, sleep is just more necessary.

It was 57 upstairs, in the low 60s, now 63, in this front room, and 69 in the main house when I woke.  It is right at 28 outside.  Hmm, rather cool, for this time of year.  Probably just a phase, this time.  A mood.  Probably.

Oh, something else.  I realized, just turning my phone on, in the morning, isn't enough.  I also have to sign in.  Otherwise it won't ring through.  They are really forcing people to be tracked.  This isn't just stupid programming, this is requiring a sort of authentication, for tracking various things.  Remember, these people have become absolutely evil.  No information they get is for anything other than your harm... one way or another.  If mom passes before me, I may just dump the phone.  Watch the sheep go into shock, that someone doesn't have a cellphone.  I've been shocking the sheep since I opened my eyes.  I think it's my job.

Later.

Not much, as has been the norm of late.

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Chores, and breakfast.  Plus I am still awake.  Been muddling through, stumbling, nearly falling back to bed.  Staying awake is a very good thing.

Wasps are coming into the house.  I'll have to figure out how to sort that out.  Not a good thing.  Allergic.  I was able to handle a single sting not long ago.  The poison ran through my body a very long time, though.  It would leave patches of damaged skin wherever it would surface.  But, that was after not being stung for a very long time.  Now?  And, three or more?  I am pretty sure it has the potential to be lethal.

I also need to get things sorted, and set up mouse traps.  I have the goods for four types of traps... the water bucket, spinning can type... the standard, with bait few can resist or get off without triggering the thing... and non-lethal mechanical chemicals.  They are really getting into the rabbit food.  And beginning to coming into the house.

I did fix things so the cats will go into the basement.  I keep a light on down there.  It's an led, so doesn't burn more than, what, 7 or 8 watts an hour?  And, the girls do go down there much more often now.  Who knew cats can be afraid of the dark?  Or, maybe, they just need a little more light to operate.  I change between one room lit, and the other.  Though either one offers enough light for them to hunt in both rooms, it seems.

I need to do business.  I just, also, need to wake up!  WAKE UP!  I need to pull out of this nosedive I've drifted back into.  A few calls, then on to some housework?  I can hope.  I'll keep trying.  I will.  Oh, and... saw another song by my recent listen.  Had to laugh, for a dozen reasons.  I may even post it someday.  Later.

No, still awake.

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I haven't done much.  I also didn't go back to bed, and think I am up for the day.  It stays dark so much later, or seems to, that I have to check the time frequently.  Just going on five.  Yesterday, it was about a quarter after seven when I realized I had made it through, to wakefulness.

I didn't use extra heat, or something hot to drink, yet, today.  Nor have I eaten.  I'm working on something hot, but tea or coffee?  Yea, why not tea.  It's been a while.  And I have an easier time drinking it without anything else.  I had thought tea was supposed to be more caffeinated, but then I heard it the other way.  May depend on the tea and coffee.

Though, while coffee is heavier, I still haven't found a coffee able to hold a spoon otherwise unsupported.  Oh, I am quite sure, without freezing temps and time, that is nothing more than a fairy tale.  Still, when gets a thing in the mind, sometimes it never quite goes away... Santa, for example.  Hmm... I wonder if clear knox jelly would work?  Maybe.  Or some pudding, with the tea?  Just a thought.  Wait, that would have to be chilled to set up, so it's nearly as bad as just freezing it.

Saw a song this morning, made me think.  Actually?  I've done what I could, with what I have, and even pushed the line.  While I didn't make it, I did get to engineering school, even not a natural A (without a curve, and actually an A+) in engineering calculus II.  I suppose that is all done on computers, with programs, these days?  Back when I took it, no open book, no notes, no calculator, and we worked fairly deeply into theory, beyond that.  A calculator wouldn't have helped.

I have loved, many times.  I tried.  While I haven't been married, I was carrying around the secret of a lost woman and child, hidden even from myself.  Until I did remember.  I have loved much, and often.  I... gave it my best.  I did enjoy, and not just rudely.  I loved many of those women, if not as much as I should have, if possibly as much as I could have.  Paranoia runs deep, cuts hard, and isn't just caused or affected or affects just this or that.  It's... universal.  Like a bad heart, each affecting every part of their perspective systems.  And I have both.

No... I don't regret... at least regret my efforts.  And, I realize, I couldn't have done too much more.  I did what I could.  To be sixteen again?  No, maybe eighteen, or nineteen though?  Before the... damages?  Yes.  Still, the song made me think.  I worry more about those who never tried, never dared, never were... foolish enough to hope to try.  I only wish I was a bit younger, and foolish enough, or weak enough in some ways, to try some things again.  You can't win, but you will die.  And you will die trying, even hoping... or you will die in abstract misery, alone, and in the dark.  I'll... keep trying.  I will also pray those who can, do, and those who can't, hope and try.

Still, a beautiful tune.  Could catch you off though, even gentle as it is.  Be well.

The darkness through which I live.

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To bed at 19:17 or such.  I had hoped to stay up a little longer, it just wasn't possible.  Still, that I did that, without a nap, was quite good.  Sleep was good.  Although, as the world cools off, I am finding the last few hours of sleep difficult.  I wake a bit too cool, so restack blankets to be warm, only to kick those off as I warm up.  So that my last two hours of sleep is a struggle between being too cold and too hot.  The rest of the night, lately, sleep has been very good.

Though, sometimes, like tonight... or this morning really... I had so many things on my mind.  Things which need to be done, things which were done, things which could have been done differently, things which shouldn't have been done... by me, by others... I just couldn't sleep well, worse than usual, those last few hours.  If I cam considering going back to bed shortly?  I am hoping.

One of those things was... I watched a vid last night, again.  I have watched it several times in the last four or five years?  It suggests it was recently published, but I think it was online before.  For I have watched this exact one several times.  Though it may have been edited, as some things in it seem different.

Guilt?

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Perhaps.  I had been a bit temperamental when I called my mother.  Hinted at accusations, been a bit... impatient.  Perhaps ornery, with a meaner side.  Or... that may easily have been how it might have been perceived.  It was weighing on me since I hung up, even if we left off in good shape.

I remember when mother seemed angry at me.  With things like, you could have been hurt, or this or that.  So angry that I would confuse, or not understand, her anger, or what it was at.  Oh, well, she isn't the only one.  I have lived a very risk-taking, dangerous, sometimes stupidly, life.  If someone loves you, they... really can be angry at cavalier chancing in the game of life.

Still, she is all alone, in a nursing home, just trying to figure out how to get back out.  It's a dark place for her, and a dark time.  She made us promise, even as boys, that we wouldn't put her away like that.  And, there she is.  Her understanding isn't complete, on some things.  Her memory sucks.  I couldn't... just leave her with that.

I also couldn't just say it.  So, I texted.  It isn't my favorite medium, but... it... has it's benefits.  I just explained, as I did here, that I was wangry?  If hungry and angry is a thing, why not worried and angry?  Wangry, you are welcome for the new term.  And I told her she was very important to me.  Asked for forgiveness.

She called me right back.  All is good.  Though, too, I now have contact information, several forms of it, and her phone is open again.  I will soon check on being put on a contact list, and perhaps ask if they can set her phone up to block those not on her list, and make sure she knows how to answer her phone after that.  It's a bit more complicated because Verizon doesn't want us to be safe from predation.  Still, we will see.  One more thing done today.  Hey, it takes balls to... deal with these things.  Or... something.  I am trying, anymore.  Finally?  More that I am able to try.  To a degree more, anyway.

I am awake, but sore and tired.  Still, I want to stretch things into the later afternoon.  Later, though, or good night.

Proactive.

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Can't do much else today.  But my worry caused me to go long on getting in touch with my mother.

First, a call to her friend.  He couldn't remember where the number was, for where she is staying, save that it was on his phone.  I asked if he could text.  He could, would, and did.  So, having that number, I called.

I spoke with a woman there, who said she'd check.  Then the line went dead.  I called back, got in touch with another woman, who sent me to the first woman's line.  It went to a strange loop, got to the woman, then died again... without going through.  Ugh.

So, instead, I called my mother, again.  It rang through, she picked up, all is good.  I did ask if, for some reason, she had dropped me from her list again.  No, she assured me.  Just... she messes up and pushes no contact.  Ah.  Someone ought to set that system up, so that when she does that, it still allows those on her contact list to get through.  That is how I have mine set up.  And I keep the not contact thing up permanently.  They have punished me for that, by making answering the phone a lot more complicated.  Verizon must be getting kickbacks from telehasslers?  Or it's their side business?  Anyway...  Still, you can keep the vermin off your phone, and still allow your people to call.

I did get to speak with her friend.  It has been some time.  Their coop, he is a farmer, had a fire.  So it's down, right as they are harvesting.  They have everything to capacity, so have to stand down for a few days.  At least they get a rest.  But, as they are, they really like and need it done.  Got the beans in, with just corn left, or some of it?  Something like that.  Always interesting to hear how things are going there.  It's been a while since I spoke with him.  I do enjoy speaking with the "old timers".  When I had friends, they were of his ilk, mostly.  In the civvy world.

Still, all good.  Oh, and now I have the number at her nursing home, and have that plugged in to my contacts.  Oh, but next I need to make sure I am on their contact list for emergencies.  I don't have to be first, for I am certainly not the best.  But... I want to be in the loop, for what it will do.  Good or bad.

It has warmed a bit.  It is finally up to 68 in this front room.  Though... do I have the heat up still?  Oh, and I best feed the girls.  With the rabbits, I just do chores once a day for now.  I'll do those shortly.  With the ducks gone, that is all that is needed for chores.

I still want to get a shower in.  Probably don't have enough laundry, but would like to get that sorted for when I do.  Start some dishes.  And maybe begin in on boxes.  One or all, but hopefully several anyway.  I'll keep trying.  At least I don't have to worry about mother.  That was... starting to really concern me.  I just feel bad that I probably came across a bit cross.  Worry does that.  Can.  Ugh.  Later.

One out of... many.

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No, no work, yet.  What I did was beat the need for sleep, at least for a while.  Warmth was the trick.  The hot coffee, and heat up, helped.  As well, I did call my mother again.  Her phone has been going directly to messaging, and her message box is full.  I don't leave messages anyway, not sure she knows, or remembers, how to check her messages.  At one time I would have laughed at her for that, now... I... get it.

I am worried about that.  It isn't like her.  I may call my brother, or would... be he is having problems with exhaustion too.  I would like to call her friend, but there is no telling if he would know anything.  And it has only been a day without contact, if going on to two days.  The thing that bothers me is her phone going straight to messaging.  She may not be able to answer, or may walk off without it, but usually, in the days, she has it on.  Worried, but patient.  She is in a place where they can tend to her, if there is a problem.  Hmm, may have to ask to be put on a notification list.  Hadn't thought of that.  Do now...

The body, as I have awaken, is a bit crankier than it had been.  I just hadn't been awake to notice.  Just little sore spots, from using muscles I probably haven't used in months, some maybe longer, and rarely as many at once as what I have done in even the very light work of the last few days... even taking breaks fairly often while the other two worked.  All good, but it might mean today, and maybe tomorrow, are down days.  Maybe the rest of the week.  If... I'd... like to do a few things.

As well, had another piece, a final piece of the already cooked, chicken.  I have a few pieces sitting in spices.  One thing I have found is, if I am to save meats, longer, after thawing, there are two tricks.  The first?  Pull the meat out of the packaging and put it into a ziploc bag.  Second, is to spice the meat.  Even without having been cooked, spices help meats last a little longer thawed.  Salt, but not just salt.  Though not every herb and spice will work.  But a handful of them, tossed in, of various sorts... plus salt... tends to add a few days to even a week, with the repackaging.  Why?  I know about the spices, I don't fully understand the repackaging... with or without those blood absorbers in some meats.  But stores seem to know that meats go bad faster in those, but it's not their problem.

Maybe the last of those tonight.  I will wash the spices off, just to see if that will make them less salty.  I am still practicing on the salt amount, with a new salt.  Plus there is always variability.  Life, it seems, is always learning, making mistakes, and doing it over, for better or worse.  I don't think, whether it is because we are imperfect or that has translated to the world, or because we believe there can be a perfect way, we can find that perfect way.  Or, maybe, of flesh... even the one after heaven, spicing will always be a tricky thing?  Odd, how things work out.  I don't think heaven is as many might suspect, nor the life perfected, after it.  Back to leaves instead of toilet paper?  As... a... possible example.  But happy with it?  I just don't know.

On to... something else.  Probably just tinkering on the machine for a while, until a nap, or shower, is taken.  Good morning and day.

I may have to nap.

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Between recent small work events, and the cool, I haven't been able to get going this morning.  I keep snap-napping, dozing off while trying to research something, learn about a game, watching a music video, and etc.  I have tried a number of things.  Still, don't want to give in, so will have some hot coffee shortly.  But I don't think it will work.

I did warm the other rooms, but this front room doesn't get any heat.  It is still 62.  Further, I turned the heat up, in the main house, to try to wake up, and to encourage a shower.  Hasn't worked.  So I will turn it back down and get a nap taken, if the hot fatted coffee doesn't work.

There are so many things I want done, but... it may not happen quite yet.  Hmm, I may try to get ahold of my mother again today.  I called twice, yesterday, to no good.  Thought I might have heard back by now, but no.  I always worry that she might have taken a fall.  While falling at home, alone, is a problem, falling in the nursing home, on concrete floors, could be more likely to cause breaks.  I'll try, while having coffee.

I did have a two chicken thighs.  Still quite good, not too smoky as if often the case.  Sharing bones and some of the meat with the girls.  Sam is an absolute fiend for my grilled chicken.  She sits there, glares, like Gollum in the Lord of the Rings series.  Even if she just ate.  She can eat almost a whole drumstick by herself, and she doesn't weigh seven pounds (anymore).  She is so skinny, even being well fed.  Age... gets to all.  Later.

Ugh... so tired.  Later.

Awake, for almost two hours now.

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Two?  Between two and three.  I woke around a quarter to three, and it is 05:18.  Anyway...  I went to bed a bit before 19:00, 7:00 pm to some of you.  Perhaps a quarter before.  So tired, I dropped quickly.  All good.  I slept well.  I didn't even turn the fan on, just dropped down, thought about it, but couldn't really be bothered to turn it on.

Sleep was fantastic.  And easy.  Body is a bit grumpy from even the light work for the last few days.  Nothing too terrible, just a few light aches and pains.  I could work today, and hope to do some things hereabouts.  Boxes, laundry, clearing the upstairs a bit, to vacuum, dishes... more... less... whatever I can get done.

I am hoping, the rest of the week, to do a bit of work each day.

It is much colder in this front room, 62 after several hours of the machine on and me being here.  It must be getting much colder outside.  I really need to get more smaller waterers, for the rabbits.  The big ones freeze just as quickly, but take so much longer to thaw.  They will have to be replaced twice a day.  Ugh... I'm not looking forward to winter chores again.

Oh, well, I do have more chicken.  I didn't warm any more yesterday.  I was worn, after I returned.  Just couldn't get to it.  All good, it means I have something to start off the day, a better food.  That and a hot fatted coffee.  Should do quite well.  Dressed moderately warm, may take a shower again, and dress even warmer.  The trick is layering in such a way that you can undo a layer without too much fuss.  But... that... is a fiction.  taking off base layers is always a complication.  Taking off top layers is easier, but then one finds himself a bit too close to naked for public appearances.  Tricky, but... doable.  Just keep the pj bottoms around, so longjohn door answering, or running for pants, isn't required.  Doable.

I am trying to keep the furnace at 70.  Though, turning it up, from time to time, isn't a bad thing.  Up to 74, to take the chill off, and get ready for a shower... I just have to remember it is that warm, then either get to it, or enjoy for a bit then turn it back down.  Gas is becoming brutally expensive.  Go Brandon!  We know what he is doing, and who he is favoring to rip us off.  This is planned, as are your gasoline prices.  We are being robbed.  For those with less, they might be being killed.  Murdered, really.  It's how Europe likes to get rid of pensioners too.

Anyway.  On to something warm to eat and drink.  Later.

Two sessions today.

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Someone was in my home while I was working.  Someone knew I was working.  They left the back door completely open.  It had been shut, locked, and with inside locks too.

Anyway.  I helped do a bit more work.  Light work, I can't do heavy lifting or such.  Still, it is as it is.  I am pretty tired, after bits of work for two days running.  But it wasn't so much, or so heavy, I'll be out for a long time.  I hope.  It might even be what was needed to begin work in the house.

The last of the ducks, I think, are gone.  I think.  Nothing I could do.  I could have kept them locked up, but that would have been miserable for them and me.  There is a lot more to things than I had thought.  I will be making a few changes, to clear some things.

I will try to stay awake a few more hours.  I checked the rabbits, all good for now.  The cats have been fed twice, plus treats, as well as having dry food always available.  Oh, whoever was here let Sam out.  Part of how I know I hadn't just left the door open.  She can't get out of the back screen door, even if the main door is shut.  And I don't let her out on her own, with her age, near blindness, and near deafness.  She is running 80 to a 100 years, from cat to human age.  I am careful with her.

Hmm.  Well...  Changes.  Later.

Are you up?

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And I was.  Actually, I had been down here a bit, but had left my phone upstairs.  I had just remembered, and gone upstairs to retrieve it.  And, just in time.  Ready?  I wasn't.  While I have been awake for a bit, and I meant to have gotten a shower and done chores, neither had happened... if for a decent reason.

I was cooking chicken.  I hadn't even started eating it.  But it was fantastic, when I did, again.  So I texted back that I needed to get a shower and do chores.  Which was okay.  He worked a bit without me is all.  Oh, and I had to have chicken.  Moving slow, but I got to it.  Ugh.

Just a bit of help.  He had another helper, a coworker from one of his jobs, there.  So, between the three of us, we got a bit of work.  I had to take breaks, from time to time.  More than them.  By a lot.  Still, I could lend a hand, a shovel, or my weight to this or that.  A nice little set of work done.

He had another job, but actual work this time.  A stop and waste, I think they are called?  Or... maybe.  So he took his fellow worker, who does that work with him, or in another crew anyway.  Same company, sometimes they work together.  Today, I suppose.

I got let off, to rest.  Because, yea, I wouldn't have been any good for anything more, not for a while.  I'll rest up, get some water in, maybe have another piece of chicken, and try to be ready for another mild bit of help this afternoon.  I'm... taking opportunities when I can find them, as I am able.  And, while it isn't much, it... should prove useful.

Gets me off my ass, where I can't do it for myself.  And, hopefully, he will help me with a few things in return.  I've been dying to do some work, and am taking the opportunity when it avails, as I am able.  Maybe tomorrow too.  I did get chores done, and a shower in.  All good.  Then off to it.

Now, I usually make only the amount of chicken I am going to eat.  Today I made an extra, or two, just... seeing with my hunger, not reality.  Plus, with the time constraint, I ate even less.  I hope the leftovers aren't too smoky.  But the two I had were delicious... maybe a slight oversalted.  But... I... can do that, once in a while.  It was only one.  Sometimes seasoning doesn't get distributed evenly.  Though, perhaps, next time, I might rinse them off just a tad.  If that requires patting them dry.  I'll... explore that, next time.

Called my mother.  She didn't answer.  But she has... things.  They keep her busy, and tired.  I keep meaning to get the phone number for my last known aunt and uncle.  Just a call, once a month, to let them know they are loved... even if by an ogre.  It's not much.  But, maybe, they will find some happiness in knowing I really do think of them, often.  And remember them well, good, bad, faults, graces, and all.  As we begin getting ready to pass, it is good to know we are loved, even by rascals and worse.

Later.

As I laid me down to...

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.

Well, not quite.  But it was getting about that time to begin getting ready to go on to bed, a call.  Would I lend a hand?  I really had to stop and think.  It has been brutal, just staying up to where I got in the day.  So, staying up longer?  But, yes.  If I get an opportunity, unless my eyes are bleeding from staying awake, and maybe even then...  But there is a point of no return.  I had to consider if I was at that point, or beyond it.

While I hadn't showered today, I had showered yesterday.  In pajamas, but that could be altered quickly.  So, again, yes.  Yes, I can get going and be ready.

I changed, brushed the teeth.  Then remembered to feed the girls.  Then decided to check the water for the rabbits.  That was good, but food was low, or out, with some of them.  I thought to just feed them when I got back, then thought better of that plan.  I might be too bushed when returning.  So they were fed as well.  But I was all ready.

Just a bit of a drive, a little learning, and then some shopping.  Wood, for part of a construction, was selected and purchased.  Just a few hours, but it kept me awake until returning around 19:00, just at.  All good.

My mother had called, but I was busy at that moment, so I called back when I could.  Just a bit of news.  A crucifix ring, like the one I had... perhaps have, somewhere...  She had lost hers, too.  But it has been found.  Of her various pieces of jewelry, she gets a surprising amount of compliments on that one.  Just a silver reminder... rather humble, compared to diamonds and else.  Yet, there is something special about it.  The gift, even for the secular, it moves even the blind.  Shifts reality, a bit, back to... at least in the mind... where things were in the garden.  

No wonder they have killed God in public and often even private circles.  Even the mention of Christ Jesus' name, the symbol of His death, these... hurt that which is evil, and emboldens those who choose His way, best as we can.  To be honest, I wasn't sure mother would accept the ring.  She saw mine, and was... touched.  But that didn't necessarily mean she would want to wear such a brand of faith.  These things make you targets, if too, they frighten some people.  Seriously.  One woman was beginning to flirt, until she saw that.  Spooked out so fast... had to laugh.  And... thank God.  Not one I would wish to be flirting with.

I did have to rest, just a bit, before I could sleep.  I hadn't gotten cranky, or gone into suffering.  I was getting extremely tired, but had to... settle just a bit.  I would guess I was in bed in an hour, perhaps two at most.  And sleep was fantastic.  I did wake a few times, but mostly just slept well.  Two fans going, though, probably, just one from now on, at the foot of my sleeping roll, on low from now on.  Just... a little fresh air.  A window cracked open, a single fan, and very good sleep.

It is getting down into the high 50's up there.  Other than the window, open half an inch to inch, the place is closed.  I am sleeping warmly enough.  Odd, how sometimes, in the summer, 73 has become cool enough, even too cold at 71.  But I can sleep nicely at 57, probably down to the high 40s.  It may have something to do with humidity, and relative heat, from inside to out?  If it's 100 outside, and 73 in... or -20 to 60 outside, and 40 to 70 inside?  I am definitely cool to cold biased.

Well, on to... something.  Chores?  Not until after sunup.  A shower would be good, setting up dishes after that, and maybe dealing with some laundry?  Brushing teeth, clipping toenails... finger nails are already trimmed...  A few things, here and there.  Later.

Uncomfortable.

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I think that is the term I believe to be appropriate.  I am stretching into the day, again.  But it is still a rough stretch.  Something seemed... different.  So, when it got light, I looked out.  Our first snow!  It, so far, isn't sticking to the driveway.  It will, if it keeps up.  How much?  Difficult to know.  I would say, maybe, three inches, if it melted in some areas more than others.

I tried on the shoes I ordered.  As mentioned, I think, both were a bit small, one being way too small.  Then again, that one, while I know I ordered a fifteen, they sent a fourteen.  Though, I can tell, not even a fifteen, in that style, will fit.  I like the idea, but the practicals don't work, definitely not for me.  Sort of like a rock climbing shoe, meant to be excessively tight?  Doesn't work with often swollen feet.  Or just cranky feet.  I've been wearing shoes too small for so long, and hurting for it, that I won't ever do that again, for love or money.  Too large?  I... might go that way, but not too small... given any other choice.

I had thought to keep the pair that was just a bit small.  However, I thought I would check them online.  They not only have a sixteen, they have a seventeen!  I'll probably order one of each, sending back the pair that doesn't fit.  They are a bit small, even with light socks on.  And I won't go without socks.  So, there is that.

As well, the pot is set to arrive today, the one I tried to cancel... one of them.  They did cancel one of them, just not both for some reason.  If I can catch the UPS man, I'll have him take it right back.  So I have been listening, and am as ready as possible.  I need to... go to the bathroom, the long way home, though.  Gah!  I just know he will show up when I'm in there.  Worse, I'll hear it but be in the throws of... throwing.  Argh!  We'll see.

Well, enough for the morning.  I need to get chores going.  I have winter boots, on the porch, I am trying to remember to use while doing chores.  With snow like this, yea, I... will remember for sure, today.  Just... a little task to do first.  Oh, and I should call my mom and maybe my brother today.  They may or may not answer.  All good.  I know they have actual lives, and things happen.  Hmm... though I should wait until I catch, or miss, the UPS guy.  Later.

Eight hours down, if I count rightly.

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So brutal, to stay up into the afternoon.  My body hurts, just from that.  And, yet, I could only sleep eight hours.  Though I think the girls make noise to try to wake me, and it seems to work.  Which means they don't get fed for four hours after I wake, from now on.  I had stopped doing that, as it had, for a while, become unnecessary.  Though then it was only an hour or two.  I'm doubling it.  Just... to completely wipe the waking equals feeding thing.

They have all the dry food they can eat, 24/7, so it's not like they will starve.  And they have been being little... you know whats... lately.  So, back to the grindstone.  If I can't sleep, they can't eat.  They never did catch on, the time involved, so just stopped connecting my being awake to their getting food.

I even, for a while, tried to feed them whenever they asked.  No, went through a ton of food, most of which was left uneaten, causing even more of a mess.  So... no.  I am renegotiating.  They had improved, I let go of my grip on that, and they... got right back to being little assholes.  So be it.

It almost sounds like it is sprinkling out there.  Pretty sure of it.  Which means it has rained pretty much every day for the last week?  Give or take.  Not necessarily in the day, but day, or night, it seems to be raining at least daily.  And, whether sprinkling or pouring, altogether, we are getting pretty wet.  All good, I think?  At some point flooding might become an issue, if it hasn't.  I haven't heard, but I wouldn't hear.  Life, and newsman/weatherman lies and incorrect predictions can go on without me.

I bought one last pair of shoes.  Hiking sneakers, really.  Extra tread, a bit better build, etc.  I tried two pair.  One is slightly tight, if my feet my be a bit swollen.  The other pair wouldn't fit, and wouldn't have fit regardless of my feet.  I will see if the one pair has a larger size.  Or even it will go back.  The squeeze shoe couldn't make a size that would fit, I don't think.  These kids will kill their feet with that pair.  

Odd what we tolerate to fit in, or because we have idealistic thoughts instead of based reasonable ones.  Oh, I get it.  Been there, done that, still visit for laughs and pain from time to time... if as much to remember why not.  But, yeah.  Even running twenty, or even five, miles a week, let alone every few days?  It'll take their knees out.  Hiking four hundred miles, or more, several seasons in a row?

I don't think I, or they, were, are, looking for something better.  Looking for a way out.  Strange, I found the door to escape, went through it, and was sent back... time after time.  Lucky?  For me, maybe not.  Just a realization that it isn't up to me, and... a humble acceptance.  Them?  I hate to see the better, brighter, more capable (in a right world) get lost, then throw it all away.  Nothing to lose?  Not, seemingly, when the game is rigged against you, and the inferior are sought over the superior.  In a world where the superior are not considered necessary, not wanted, because they expect the world to be run rightly.  The inferior have no problems with cheating, lying, stealing, fraud, or whatever else, as long as they get some small cut of it.  Yeah.  Going John Galt is about what is left, and that is to those who never even had the opportunity to make it.  At least they are woke?  Hahahaha.  Nevermind.

Well... hopefully a bit more work.  Whatever I can do, as much as I can push through, a bit of this and that.  Good night, day, and... morning.  Amen.

A few things.

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.

Very small tasks, but a few.  And a shower.  Love showers.  I stored the bacon, too.  Half in the fridge, half frozen, after cooking all of it.  I am not sure the freezer will work well with this.  Will know in, say, a month or two.  The rest will be added, occasionally, to various meals.  Salads, shirred eggs, casseroles, but lightly and a few times a week.  Bacon is good, the fat it offers is great for keto, but calories, at least when in ketosis finally, must be registered and limited.

I let the ducks out.  The two remaining.  The rabbits were good.  I'll check on them again when putting the ducks up, if they make it.  The cats have been being fed well enough, and litter has been kept up.

I am so tired though.  I did make it to 15:00, again, today.  But just.  And I had to keep pushing.  Just a little longer.  Still, I made it.  Now on to bed.  Sleep sounds so delicious right now.  Like a cold glass of water or tea on a hot day... or beer.

By the way, I did end up drinking all of the beer, over time.  I limited my intake, well and easily.  However, my willpower was slipping.  Best not to drink more beer, for another year or four.  I did enjoy.  I love the taste, I actually really do.  But that alcohol, it... I like it too much.  At least I can say "no", mean it, and keep away.  A gift, I think, from God.  Medicine does what alcohol used to do.  Well, if I could keep on it.

Good afternoon, day, and night.

A good meal.

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I have had a few meals, but not many.  And few have been well rounded.  Today I got that.  I had bacon which I wanted to fry in bulk.  Mostly because it was purchased in bulk.  Have you ever seen a deal that was far too good to be true, but your eyes insisted?  Well, that was the bacon.

I had been buying bacon parts and remnants.  Which was good.  Took more attention, when frying or else.  It also was in bulk, three pounds.  But, before, it would last until I finished it, if sealed and else.  The last two or three times, not so much.  It smelled off as soon as I opened the package.  I stopped doing that, dumped what stock I had after three misses.

This, however, was regular bacon.  Not just regular bacon, it was thick cut, beautiful, bacon.  Whole, long, pieces.  They hadn't trimmed to cut pennies.  And, it was three pounds.  I looked it over, looked at the ingredients, looked for every flaw possible.  The problem?  It was being offered at $10.  Usually, now, twelve ounces of the good stuff can easily cost that.  And... this... looked better than most bacon I have seen in some time.  So... I... doubted.

Doubted or not, my eyes told me to shut up and buy.  I told it to bugger off.  It told me, in that case, to buy two!  I thought to say something else, but didn't want to buy three.  Two it was.  One is in the freezer.  With the ducks, mom, and else, it has sat in the fridge for... a while.  Well, and I doubted.  Today was the day.

I baked, actually, the whole lot.  First, I smelled it when I opened the package.  I have learned, from the other bacon, that if it smells funny cold, it will stink up the house something awful while being cooked.  But it smelled... sweet.  Not the common euphemism, nor literally, but rightly.  A very nice smelling bacon.  As it should be.  Mild, even.

So, in it went.  I lined a sided cookie sheet with foil, set the oven at 350, and let it rip.  It smelled very good while baking.  Tasting a piece nearly right out of the oven, it tasted good.  Still not sure, I had some, later in the process, when it was cold.  No, this really is exceptional quality bacon.  Not too smoky, salty, not bad, or off, and so it was.

I used two pieces, diced, as the beginning of a shirred egg(s) gig.  Broccoli, bacon dices, a diced piece of munster cheese, two deli meat cuts sliced julienne, a few light spices, and twenty five minutes in the oven.  Having difficulty getting the whites to set and keep the yolks from getting too tacky.  I may separate the yolks and whites, and add the yolks for the last ten to fifteen minutes?  Maybe.  I like a runnier yolk, and a more firm egg white, than I am getting as is.  Still, I am sure it is done, but texturally it isn't... satisfying.  I really am pleased to have those au gratin dishes.  Perfect for about three to four eggs and else.

I ordered one last thing, maybe, for the month.  An air fryer.  Between my research, wants, and reviews from various sources, this brank was given good reviews.  It fits the bill.  Can't find one with everything I want, but I can find those with more or fewer items on my want list.

I wanted a non-digital one.  I found one, in the size and brand I was otherwise seeking.  I just knew it would cost a fortune, more than the other, just because that is how it often works.  Strangely, it was actually priced according to costs... meaning less, a lot less.  It was about two thirds the cost of the digital.  I think, with the other one, you could program your presets.  I'm not sure this one will do that, though I don't use presets on much else I have... Microwave, instapot, oven(?), toaster oven... I just don't use presets.  Though, if it was programmable?  I really might.  For very specific meals.  Perhaps even the shirred eggs.

Why buy all these tools and gadgets?  Because, especially for me, one might prove easier, or better, to cook a specific food or process.  I really need to eat, and I'm not doing that much better than I am taking medicine.  It... isn't to be fussy, or this, or that.  I just... can't remember!  I... I am tired.  So, having a few things around, which might allow me to eat, and possibly better than how I would otherwise?  I'm trying to not die, people.  Perhaps I should just give in, up, and let go.  But... I... won't.  I can't.  I feel that, as tough as it is, that God gave me this task until He decides otherwise.  So I will do my job.  The one thing I have left, until it is time or someone decides to fix the problem, on way or another.

Anyway.  It was a decent meal.  I now need to shower, then get trash out... maybe recycling.  Feeding and watering the critters after those things.  Though, a bit of time to get food settled.  It was a small meal, but felt like a feast.  It's... been a while since I have eaten much, or so it seems.  Later.

Part of it?

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I did stay up to midafternoon, about 15:30, perhaps an half hour later at most.  To bed, well, and slept until... I thought... 20:00.  I thought.  When I got downstairs, turned the machine on, and set at it, with almost nothing else happening before, it is 22:45.  I must have looked at the clock at 20:00, then slept a few hours and change more.  Good.

I had hoped to sleep until, say, 03:00 to 05:00.  But this is a start.  I have been shoving to move my sleep time around, with all I had, and it was doing nothing.  Even doing 24 and a 48 hour up shift did nothing to alter the situation, but did hurt like the dickens.  That's a special kind of pain.  Even the 24 hour ups can be difficult.

Can't always do those.  Only when desperate, which I sort of am.  I have been stuck in nights for too long.  I have learned to at least like the days, and it works with other people better... from calling family, to being informed, to... lots of things.  And, with the stores no longer being 24 hour, even getting to shopping becomes quite difficult.

Still, 15:30ish to 22:30ish is seven hours.  Not perfect, especially after pushing so often, recently.  But it's... something.  And, I am definitely up early enough to get the trash gathered and out.  Not sure about recycling, but I will have it ready, and may check around dawn to see what the neighbors are putting out.  If I am still awake.  Though pushing can create insomnia, where I can't sleep.  That and other stressors.

I never did cook.  Maybe tonight.  I have burger, chicken thighs, eggs, cheese.  The meats need to be cooked, tonight, if they are still good.  If not necessarily eaten.  Meat crumble is fine, for the week.  And, if I bake the chicken, not grill it, that should do well for cold or hot meals in the next few days to week.  Spice doesn't just add flavor, it adds longevity to the food.

I'll check on the critters soon.  Later.

Still awake.

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Some hopes.  Not much else will probably be done.  Chores, maybe a bit of laundry?  A shower.  Dishes?  Some of those, maybe but probably not all of those.  Chores have to be done.  The rest need to be done, are desired.  The main goal is to stay awake until early afternoon at least, perhaps to mid afternoon.

Actually, trash needs to get gathered and be put out.  If I am awake to midafternoon, I'll leave it.  If I roll beyond that, I will put it to the curb before bedtime.  Though I will set the alarms, even if I go to bed at midafternoon, definitely if bedtime is later.  I really should get a shower in, then hit chores.

I did call my mother today.  She asked for a call every other day, and begum, she'll get it.  She didn't answer, but that is often the case.  Turns out she was speaking with her sister, her youngest sibling.  I got to hear about that conversation.  Hmm, I need to get her and my last uncle's phone numbers.  I haven't spoken with them in some time.  They are two of the four, I knew best.

She, last week, was asked by another lady, to go to church.  And, she is going again this week.  Funny, I was going to ask her about that.  In a serious way.  Anyway, since she is going, I asked her to say a little prayer for me.  Just to remember me to Father, no favors or grants or reliefs needed.  Though, any troubles He might see Himself helping with would be appreciated.  He... knows what they are.

I also told her, if I passed first, in spite of my hopes and prayers, that she pray for my soul.  I would do the same for her.  I was just thinking, the last few days, how many souls I do pray for.  Family, friends, loves, and others.  If you die, and I find out about it, I will pray for you.  And, for what it is worth, offer some of my pain for your relief, specifically.  If you are in heaven, you won't mind.  If you are in hell, you'll probably be told, to no good.  If you are in purgatory, you will be eternally grateful.

So many souls receive prayers, and pain offerings.  I can't give what God does, but I can give what I have.  A strange reason to live, but there is that.  A well of pain, from whence to gift the suffering.  It is hoped.  Especially those I have hated, or wanted dead, or who deserve worse in my eyes.  Oddly, those I pray for the more.  There are none I would wish hell upon.  And, if in a last moment, a sinner could repent, enough to be forgiven?  I'd be more than good with that.  I know one who did just that.

It got down to 36, perhaps cooler as the sun was well up before I checked.  I don't think it froze.  Even with it being that warm, a freeze would still have been on the plants.  It was just a heavy due, or even remnants of rain.  But it was water, and sparkled like jewels.  It seems to be warming.  The storm has broken, the sun is out.  There is some wind, or heavy breeze, but bringing what seems to be a warmth.  It's a beautiful day.  I just wish I could be out and enjoy it.

Well, best get to something.  I am thinking, as well, shirred eggs.  With broccoli, deli meat, onion garlic and coriander powders, plus salt fresh cracked pepper and cheese.  After the shower, after chores... and I am hungry, so I should get to it.  Good morning and day.  I'll save good night for later, if I make it.

Oh... but first?  Something which... makes me question some things.

Never can tell.

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Some things popped.  Made me look, laugh, even think about crying.  Still, it's... been a... different life.  Is there such a thing as a normal life?  I am sure there are things that pass much closer.  Oh, I'd... love to have had a simple normal life.  Easy mode, at least from here and now, looks like... it would have been better.  But, who knows.

Then again, if I had lived a normal life, I'd think like you.  I'm... not sure I'd prefer that.  The whole universe is set on making everybody think alike, and actually is looking for one being or group of them which could survive, on it's own or in groups, and live almost anywhere.  I call it the modified Tower of Babel resonance.  If you believe in biological evolution, that is the only reason such a mechanism would exist.  If it exists, it is, most likely, unholy.  It's... a devil's thing, or demon's thing really.  But many of you have those things mixed up as well.

I think God wants actual diversity, but not of skin or hair or eyes, but of thought.  With only one right path, it may seem that the highway to heaven would be one way.  But one narrow path isn't always another.  It isn't even a virtuoso, as it is only through God anyway, not our feet.  Only our will, through His graces.  The broad, open, easy path that the many take?  Together?  Don't... go that way.  Though it's... probably too late to help most who are on that path.  Then again, I know, even my footing is shaky.  Always was, was even worse.  You have to even know there is a narrow path, and believe, truly, that there is a reason to take it.  It wasn't until I died that I knew.  Heck, until I died, I wasn't even sure I really believed... for some odd reason.

I keep thinking, why wouldn't people listen?  Ah, then I remember the story of Lazarus and the rich man.  Where, among other things, when the rich man dies, he ends up in hell.  He pleads for many things, including to come back, to warn his brothers for they are following his path.  God, or an angel, suggest that it will do no good.  For the man's brothers would not listen.  Then... it hits.  Still, I write about it.

Anyway.