No, still awake.

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I haven't done much.  I also didn't go back to bed, and think I am up for the day.  It stays dark so much later, or seems to, that I have to check the time frequently.  Just going on five.  Yesterday, it was about a quarter after seven when I realized I had made it through, to wakefulness.

I didn't use extra heat, or something hot to drink, yet, today.  Nor have I eaten.  I'm working on something hot, but tea or coffee?  Yea, why not tea.  It's been a while.  And I have an easier time drinking it without anything else.  I had thought tea was supposed to be more caffeinated, but then I heard it the other way.  May depend on the tea and coffee.

Though, while coffee is heavier, I still haven't found a coffee able to hold a spoon otherwise unsupported.  Oh, I am quite sure, without freezing temps and time, that is nothing more than a fairy tale.  Still, when gets a thing in the mind, sometimes it never quite goes away... Santa, for example.  Hmm... I wonder if clear knox jelly would work?  Maybe.  Or some pudding, with the tea?  Just a thought.  Wait, that would have to be chilled to set up, so it's nearly as bad as just freezing it.

Saw a song this morning, made me think.  Actually?  I've done what I could, with what I have, and even pushed the line.  While I didn't make it, I did get to engineering school, even not a natural A (without a curve, and actually an A+) in engineering calculus II.  I suppose that is all done on computers, with programs, these days?  Back when I took it, no open book, no notes, no calculator, and we worked fairly deeply into theory, beyond that.  A calculator wouldn't have helped.

I have loved, many times.  I tried.  While I haven't been married, I was carrying around the secret of a lost woman and child, hidden even from myself.  Until I did remember.  I have loved much, and often.  I... gave it my best.  I did enjoy, and not just rudely.  I loved many of those women, if not as much as I should have, if possibly as much as I could have.  Paranoia runs deep, cuts hard, and isn't just caused or affected or affects just this or that.  It's... universal.  Like a bad heart, each affecting every part of their perspective systems.  And I have both.

No... I don't regret... at least regret my efforts.  And, I realize, I couldn't have done too much more.  I did what I could.  To be sixteen again?  No, maybe eighteen, or nineteen though?  Before the... damages?  Yes.  Still, the song made me think.  I worry more about those who never tried, never dared, never were... foolish enough to hope to try.  I only wish I was a bit younger, and foolish enough, or weak enough in some ways, to try some things again.  You can't win, but you will die.  And you will die trying, even hoping... or you will die in abstract misery, alone, and in the dark.  I'll... keep trying.  I will also pray those who can, do, and those who can't, hope and try.

Still, a beautiful tune.  Could catch you off though, even gentle as it is.  Be well.