Guilt?

.

.

Perhaps.  I had been a bit temperamental when I called my mother.  Hinted at accusations, been a bit... impatient.  Perhaps ornery, with a meaner side.  Or... that may easily have been how it might have been perceived.  It was weighing on me since I hung up, even if we left off in good shape.

I remember when mother seemed angry at me.  With things like, you could have been hurt, or this or that.  So angry that I would confuse, or not understand, her anger, or what it was at.  Oh, well, she isn't the only one.  I have lived a very risk-taking, dangerous, sometimes stupidly, life.  If someone loves you, they... really can be angry at cavalier chancing in the game of life.

Still, she is all alone, in a nursing home, just trying to figure out how to get back out.  It's a dark place for her, and a dark time.  She made us promise, even as boys, that we wouldn't put her away like that.  And, there she is.  Her understanding isn't complete, on some things.  Her memory sucks.  I couldn't... just leave her with that.

I also couldn't just say it.  So, I texted.  It isn't my favorite medium, but... it... has it's benefits.  I just explained, as I did here, that I was wangry?  If hungry and angry is a thing, why not worried and angry?  Wangry, you are welcome for the new term.  And I told her she was very important to me.  Asked for forgiveness.

She called me right back.  All is good.  Though, too, I now have contact information, several forms of it, and her phone is open again.  I will soon check on being put on a contact list, and perhaps ask if they can set her phone up to block those not on her list, and make sure she knows how to answer her phone after that.  It's a bit more complicated because Verizon doesn't want us to be safe from predation.  Still, we will see.  One more thing done today.  Hey, it takes balls to... deal with these things.  Or... something.  I am trying, anymore.  Finally?  More that I am able to try.  To a degree more, anyway.

I am awake, but sore and tired.  Still, I want to stretch things into the later afternoon.  Later, though, or good night.