The darkness through which I live.

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To bed at 19:17 or such.  I had hoped to stay up a little longer, it just wasn't possible.  Still, that I did that, without a nap, was quite good.  Sleep was good.  Although, as the world cools off, I am finding the last few hours of sleep difficult.  I wake a bit too cool, so restack blankets to be warm, only to kick those off as I warm up.  So that my last two hours of sleep is a struggle between being too cold and too hot.  The rest of the night, lately, sleep has been very good.

Though, sometimes, like tonight... or this morning really... I had so many things on my mind.  Things which need to be done, things which were done, things which could have been done differently, things which shouldn't have been done... by me, by others... I just couldn't sleep well, worse than usual, those last few hours.  If I cam considering going back to bed shortly?  I am hoping.

One of those things was... I watched a vid last night, again.  I have watched it several times in the last four or five years?  It suggests it was recently published, but I think it was online before.  For I have watched this exact one several times.  Though it may have been edited, as some things in it seem different.

The reason this disturbs me, is it reminds me a bit much of my life.  Not just recently, but that is how it has been for the last thirty four to five years now.  Sometimes I can stand, but often I am on my hands and knees, or even belly, just crawling through the dank, harsh, cold, damp dark.  Usually alone.  No one could be with me in this, no one should be.  I shouldn't be here.

I, when I realized my predicament, crawled back to the entrance.  I hadn't gotten here by direct choice.  I did join the Navy.  I did understand the risks involved, to a degree.  But I didn't crawl into this, other than by incident and accident.  When I got to the place where I had entered, the exit was barred.  There was no way out.

Somehow, I have found food, and potable water.  I have learned to manage the mess of being alive, even while being mostly dead.  I have learned, mostly, how to stay clean, of person, if not always of environment.  I have looked for other ways out, tried to dig my way out, tried to get strong enough to do more.

At my age, I realize I will never see outside of this place I am in again.  I will eventually drown, or starver, or go into hypothermia, or...  This is where I will am and where I will die.  I'd like to not die, being forcibly wedged into some crevice by some great wall of water.  Then again, no death is easy.  Yet, oddly, I hope I don't just die, restfully, asleep.  After all this, I should hope I deserve to see it come... a final time.  To wrestle with it, as I have been for so long.  To resist to my last.  That isn't my choice though.  And, to be honest, I have quite wrestled enough.  Still, I would go out wrestling, and in great pain, to see the thing through, than to just... fade without even knowing it happened.

Still, this is my lot.  Annoyed with it.  For a long time, terrified, especially when they gaslighted me to thinking it was psychiatric.  Liars, and thieves, cross my heart, I hope your soul gets what it deserves... deserting a man to a fate far worse than death, either because he isn't politically correct, or to save a few dollars (or try, that failed).  As I have suggested, these things aren't in my hands.  I leave forgiveness open, but leave it in the God of Abraham's hands.  If you want it, go to Him.  Or die.  I can do no more.  So as you judged, so shall you be judged.  The same as with us all.  I can't give you what you don't request, however.  God can.  I have left it open to Him.

Well, and having people steal from you, while you are crawling down there.  To kill your food supplies... to damage your property.  Very worldly of you, as well.  If you think you are due, you are incorrect.  If you must lie, and steal, to live?  You are already dead.  There is no grace, or truth, in it.  Yes, much on my mind.