So late!

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Down at about noon.  I know, as that is when the call to my mother was.  She couldn't talk last time, and had company this time.  So, it was just a brief, hello and love you.  Which... is... all it needed to be.  It's all I had to say, anyway.  As tired as I was, I was not jealous of company.  My eyes were burning for sleep.  I crashed fast and hard.

Sore, from sleep.  I know I rolled every time I would wake enough to know I was in pain.  But that probably wasn't often enough.  Ribs, front and back, hips, thighs, all hurt.  Still, it's better than when I'd sleep on a regular bed.  My back would be killing me.  Beds aren't good for the back, or my back.  I think a lot of people who sleep on beds, trying to find one which won't hurt them, are only maintaining back pain.  I swear, as with food being made so as to create illness, beds are manufactured in order to create back and other problems?  Wouldn't surprise me.  Actually, would surprise me if they aren't designed with exactly that in mind.  You are paying for your discomfort.  Comfort, and health, is actually found in discomfort and some level of depravity, paucity, sacrifice.  You... can't tell people though, for they mostly will not, and will hate you for the idea.

Anyway.  Then again, even I have difficulty.  Sometimes I can eat less, sometimes I simply don't have the... cognition? to do so.  And, often, when I am going without, foodwise, it isn't a true sacrifice.  It is merely an excess from illness.  My metabolism is so low, however, that I don't lose weight... for good or ill.

Awake.  A fatted coffee, in a bit.  I'll skip chia breakfast, at some point having bacon and eggs.  Sassy has been fed, and her litter cleared.  Three of the pee jugs have finally been cleaned and cleared, I have two remaining.  They have been... just getting emptied.  I have been so broken, that my daily routines have been lost in history for some time.

Beginning to take back my place, if losing days and nights and other things.  Doing my best.  Had hoped to be up early enough to make it to the grocery store.  Will have to be Monday, at the earliest.  As with a trip to the V.A., for blood work.  But, I do have roast pork, and gravy.  If... I couldn't eat that heavy of a food today, now at least, to save my life.  Smaller bites?  Maybe.  But, too, I'll try to cook chicken tonight, and make gravy from it.

But, really, a fatted coffee, another shower, dishes set up... I did get what was left from the previous soaking set back up, and will get one more dishpan of stuff set up, after the shower.  Then, get the dry dishes put away.  I think I can get the other dishes finished tonight, chicken cooked, some work on boxes and stuff just sitting out... sorting, storing, tossing.  And some gaming.  Not... quite ready to game today.

I did respec my 'toon.  I am goofing, in various places, to see how well it works.  The problem is, there are portions of the game this is weak in.  So, I am sorting how to improve that.  Distance attacks.  Sometimes those are handy, sometimes they just allow one to bypass stupid elements of the game.  I could re-respec, but I'd rather use what I have and get it going from there.  I hate that I feel the need to respec, to get through, but some areas seem impossible with a pure mage build.  I suppose, with enough tries, and luck, and if the game doesn't decide to cheat, you COULD make it through.  But who wants to dance around luck and improbability to finish a fucking game?  Bleh.  You can tell when a game was designed by pagans.

Showers are so very nice.

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It's been... a while.  Eyes burned, not used to it.  Hair is still a bit tangled.  But, better, after washing, brushing through, conditioning, then brushing through even more.  I didn't get physically tired, while showering.  But I am sleepy.  If it's not one problem, it is another.  Yes, those things are different.  Both can make it difficult to stay on my feet for long, both can be equally problematic.

Well, it's closing in on bedtime.  I won't be able to set up more dishes.  But, then, I'll be able to take a shower as soon as I wake.  Potentially.  If I do that I would be quite pleased.  The only trick I have yet to perform is to stay awake long enough for my hair dry.  I don't think I have a choice but to have another coffee.  I can try to play the game, but am sort of at a point where there are only bosses, in any direction, for me to go.  I'm... just not up to bosses.  There are some little things I could do.

I am thinking of respec'ing, from more of a mage to a 'blood build'.  Don't... worry too much.  The thing is, I am tired enough that little details could be very difficult.  It would be easy to mess up.  And, the respec items are, if not very rare, somewhat limited.  I'll have to see how many I have.  I want several more, in case I want to switch back, or go to an even different build.  Ugh...

Or, I could just spend time looking for the build I want.  I should have all, or most, of the equipment needed, save one spear.  But... you guessed it... that spear is held by one of the bosses.  He isn't required, but... his weapon is, potentially, worth obtaining for the build.  Not sure it is good for what I want it for specifically though... another non-essential boss, the one I am sure is cheating.  But, I want to eventually take anyway.

Breathing is a bit difficult.  From exhaustion?  Bad air in here?  Medicine beating me up?  I just... can't be sure.  Anyway... Probably on to a bit of coffee, study, and maybe gaming.  Goodnight.

Starting... to close shop.

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I did finish with the gravy.  A bit of butter in, melted, and mixed.  Oh my word.  That little bit of butter finished it perfectly.  So, up it went, and away.  Stored.  I don't want to waste that beautiful purpose to action to product.  I think the finish is just... a bit better too.  Oh yes, I will have gravy for the week.  Perhaps from that and from chicken, if probably not chicken until tomorrow.

As well, the roast is wrapped and away.  I will either wrap it in plastic wrap, then foil, or just plastic.  Just plastic, this time.  Why?  I don't know.  Curiosity, to see what works best?  I can't tell the difference.  So, lately, have just been doing plastic wrap.  Though twice if I have any fear of exposure.

And, finally!  Dishes.  There were some not finished, not enough room on the freezer top.  Not that there was all that many, merely that I spread everything out a bit much, and have some other things up there.  Yea, I know.  But not everything has a place all it's own, quite yet.  Working on it.

But, now, after a bit of a break, a shower.  Oh, I need, and want, a shower so desperately.  Today, tomorrow, and on.  I will try to put more dishes in, and with what remains, that will be two small loads.  But I will put away the dry, tonight... tomorrow really... then wash those which are going to be set to soak, and run them through, and shower again.  I need a shower!  Can tell when I haven't been eating keto.  It... is clear.  Odd that keto is a cleaner way to live, top to literally bottom.

Still, all good.  All good.  I have to rest, just a bit.  No more need for food, if I would like more coffee.  Not going to have it though, out of liquid drops... or used my quotient for the day.  I have water, but have been going through that like crazy too.  Ugh...  Doing my best.  Thirsty, though.  Really, drinking gallons less than when I was drinking tea, but tea was cheap... if I used a lot more sweetener, which... always something.  Cheap, fast, good... pick two, for one will always escape the equation.  Doesn't matter if it is repairs, food, drink, or... women.  :)

Oh, it was about 39 an half hour or so ago.  That is seriously chilly for the middle of may.  But... okay.  Hopefully we get more rain for it, or even snow up higher.  That would be just fine, worth the trouble, even if planting doesn't work out.  Better to have a low harvest, and water for next year, than worse on worse.  Assuming they aren't just dumping it all to Cali... which I don't.  Trust me, they... don't care, save for their pockets or livelihood or fear of the fed.  They will let the hinterlands dry up and die, and really don't like those of us living in it much anyway.  None of them.  Check.

Later.

Later.

Wow.

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Pork roast.  As perfect as I can make it.  Pretty rich, but... unbeatable.  Gravy, as well.  I need to work on how much xanthium gum to add.  That stuff, by the way, is quite interesting to play with.  Just a bit of powder, of that, on my hands, and... it was as if I had put my hands in warm but not hot lard, in liquid form.  Slick...  I had only poured, say, a couple of teaspoons of the stuff into my palm, then added that to the gravy.  But it got... everywhere!  Very strange properties.

Oh, but... just about perfect.  Gravy to meat.  Rich, so very rich.  I'll probably put the gravy up for later.  Of course I will be saving the roast.

Next, dishes, a shower, then chicken... oven baked?  We'll see how far I can get.  But, yeah, that is the plan.  First I'll need to digest supper a bit.  I... ate a bit much.  Lost track of what I was doing.  Ate, tried to eat, two helpings.  Made it half way through the second and... well, even the best meal can be a bit much.  Pleasantly plotted?  On meat, yes.

But, now I really have how to make keto gravy down.  Not sure I want to do that every time.  But, now, I think I can do it at will.  And, to be honest, it is beef I'd much rather do that with.  Chicken and pork gravies are good, but beef is where, for me, it would really be at.  Still, I'll probably make chicken gravy as well, more for the practice.  And to try to get the xanthium gum addition down.  This time I'll measure much more carefully.  But the spices were perfect.  Start with salt, then add pepper.  After that, be careful with any other spice or herb.  Just... a touch.  I actually try not to flavor it enough, with anything other than salt, so that I might tell what it is.  Even with, say, cayenne pepper, I make it so that even a heat-o-phobe will only sense it, but not taste it.  Their lips will tingle.  Just... a hint, not a full flavor.

With the pork, I added garlic, ground coriander, black pepper, and onion powder.  Just... trace amounts.  The garlic and onion, of course, will be tasted.  But the others, even the pepper, you wouldn't know... unless it was missing.  The pepper, when it is there but not to taste?  Makes the mouth water.  I've... experimented with that, extensively.

The chicken gravy, if I get to it, will have all but the coriander, but with cayenne.  Just... say... an eighth of a teaspoon?  Depends on the volume of gravy.  I'd say about that much if I get a cup of fats.  I am so pleased with the gravy.  Oh, I will add a pat of butter, to both.  Didn't do that initially, will do it, and get that melted in, then put up.

Well, a good evening.  I am doing bits and pieces of other things.  Storing and sorting things from the kitchen, getting recent purchases down into the larder, pulling more boxes as I find and empty them, to be torn down soon.  While cooking, might as well try to do double or triple duty.  Later.

Hey! A start.

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I finally got the dishes reset, and washed the freezertop.  Plus, got a few extra dishes and the pot I cooked the kidneys cleared and set to a soak.  Sure, it's... more dishes.  But, so be it.  The effort took it out of me, for a bit.  But I think I can catch my breath, and finish up most of the dishes tonight.  Some of what was put in is rather crusty... dried chili.  So, we'll see about that, how well it will clean up, how many times I can hit those if needed.  But, after the next run on dishes, I should be able to wash, rinse, and dry a goodly portion of those.

Then a shower.  Oh... a shower sounds so very good.  And, probably, one more dishpan of dishes.  Should nearly catch me up.  And it will be few, and larger, items.  So, those should be done quickly, perhaps finishing all dishes tonight.  As well, I will begin going through some of the loose stuff, in the living room, and boxes in the living room and bedroom.  Finding games, cd's, and dvds in larger part, though, too, sorting.  Camping gear in boxes, crafts... supplies and tools for such in another group of boxes.  I have some... neat stuff, if mostly for when the lights go out, repairing leather, to working on it, knitting and crocheting tools and components, even patching materials and methods for clothing and socks.  

I might not use it, but... it is there.  Even books on how to start.  What in the world will women do without a phone?  Not even a home phone.  Imagine that.  No games, no social media, not talking or chatting with all their "friends".  No, much of what I have really isn't for me.  Actually, it isn't even for someone else to use for me.  It's for the people who come after me.  Hopefully they won't need it.  But, if they do, it'll... be there.

It amazes me, that people are becoming suicidal with much more access to friends, family, and else than I ever had.  Just a slow down, fewer jobs, less "fun".  I get the part about having less money, and less access to others, to a degree.  But so many people are so used to having, what, 24/7 access to someone?  The world has changed.  I have gotten used to only seeing people, say, three or four times a month.  It isn't preferred, but I sleep often enough, and am so tired so frequently, that I... have almost forgotten what having people in my business, life, so frequently is even like.  I... couldn't handle that much access, if for health reasons.  Still, I wouldn't mind seeing people several times a week.  It just isn't possible, if nothing else because my schedule is blown, currently.  All the people I know are about to go to bed when I am waking up.  And vise versa.

Well, at least people are realizing what it has been like, in some small degree, for the last thirty years or so.  For me.  Oddly, they still don't always seem to get it.  And, probably won't.  It looks like even the lock-down capitals are folding their insanity.  Too bad they won't lose their offices, but then again, they probably weren't actually voted into office legitimately in the first place.  The only thing that might remove them is if the machine that puts them in office chooses not to function.

Hmm... a bit of gaming, breakfast, and then to dishes.  At least I have given it a good push toward completion.  Need to rest, a bit, though, now, first.  Later.

A change of plans.

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I had thought to cut cream, from three to two.  But... as I am going back toward keto again, there are things I want to add.  Sauces, dressings, and else.  Of which cream really does work well with keto.  Oh, sure, as is known, when going back into keto, I will probably eat too much, to start.  I may gain weight.

But, when ketosis is achieved, cutting back becomes really easy.  Still, the way to get on, and stay in, ketosis, is to eat what it takes to do so.  Which, if you do it right, is very easy.  The foods are excellent.  My main problem with keeping in keto is keeping enough food, and the right foods, in stock, and keeping up on cooking, which... requires cleaning, and cooking, and shopping, and eating.  

Eventually I fail.  I just... drop off.  As with medicine.  Frustrating but, that's just how it goes.  I'll keep at it though.  And, am restarting.  Medicine has been restarted, and is heading back into regularity.  As well, food is just beginning to go back to keto and intermittent fasting will be attempted.  The problem with that is, until medicine is well regulated again, so that I can lead a regular schedule... to... some degree, intermittent fasting is difficult to regulate.  If I sleep eighteen hours?  Great, that works with it.  But if I only sleep four, or six, then I... begin to have problems.  Still, it's... back in the queue.

A few things I want to keep in my queue, as well... recipes.  I may put together a minor ranch dressing tonight.  I don't think I have dill, so it won't be exact.  But, then again, I might.  I can get most of it together.  Having it ready for a salad soon.  I really need to get to the store.  I have meats, thawed, and some extra in the freezer, but... am running out of those.  And, for this month, I want some veggies.  They help, offering variety, until I can get going on the thirty day challenge.  I want plenty of supplies for that.  I think, initially, I will overeat.  But, in time, I will back off.  Both ketosis and the boring nature of a limited diet eventually lead to reduced consumption.

I will be weighing myself, at the start, and at the finish.  With water pills and other medicine now rather well regulated, water weight won't be as much a part of any potential weight loss.  Further, I am already oddly entering ketosis, very quickly.  Must have been closer than I thought, in spite of carby foods recently?  Or my body is just being weird.

Ah, recipes...

Alright, up.

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Lungs burn.  Tired.  Imagine the opposite of superman, for today.  Imagine if, for some reason, the planet I was born on somehow develops a higher gravitational force... doubling, quadrupling, probably more, the force of gravity.  No way to strengthen enough to handle it.  I've become, lately, like a bug stuck to a window, on a vehicle going 120 mph.  Without slowing, getting off the windshield will be... uncomfortable.  Staying on the windshield isn't exactly good, though, either.

Getting up, these last few weeks, has been like getting up while wearing a forty or fifty pound weight vest.  At least I have, mostly, sorted out the water on the feet and ankles, which was another twenty to thirty pounds, sometimes were limb side.  For whatever reason, my ribs are tickled, as if someone hit them on their funnybone nerve.  Tickles in a deliciously painful way.

Still, and while I can't get to much, I... keep getting up.  Hurt?  Okay.  Tickle?  Alright.  Lungs burn?  Sure.  Muscles burn?  Yep.  I think I could stay asleep longer.  But I... am trying to wake to get to things.  I... want to do some things.  I want to try.  And, I do.  If not terribly successful.  Even so, I thank God, every time I think of it, for the opportunity.  And I mean that.

I dreamed a construction crew was outside.  Probably not.  Most likely?  Wood.  The younger man came and got wood.  Do anything else?  Maybe, maybe not.  I was never going to chop through that, essentially, walnut hardness wood.  That will burn like few things can, long and hot when fully cured.  But, ripping it down to partials would be more work than I could do.  Even he took a solid half hour on a medium to small section.  And, he was hitting the same point, well, with every stroke.  I know HOW to chop wood, but doing it is another thing at this time.  I... saw the chagrin on his face, after realizing what it would take to chop all that wood.  And he is a go-getter.  But, there... there is work even a go-getter really doesn't want to screw with.  Limits, to the will of any man.

Yep, just checked.  The wood is mostly gone.  One big chunk remains.  No, not because he got tired, mostly.  The lad is a thinking man.  If he left it, he left it for a reason.  My guess is because it makes an excellent workspace.  It's an anvil of a chunk of wood.  Though, maybe, he couldn't lift it solo?  No, if I had actually been awake, even as in rough of shape as I am in, I would have been out to help... what little that sometimes means.  But I was just translating sounds into dream, not waking.  Most likely, I had just gotten to bed an hour or three before his arrival.  I wouldn't have awaken if the house was on fire.

Oh, today?  Roasting.  Pork roast, and chicken hindquarters.  Not sure I can do them at the same time, but, if not, close... back to back.  To keep some food available all week, and mostly meat.  As well, boiling eggs, a dozen, two?  Yes.  Try to keep some for frying, as well.  But, probably, dishes first.  And cleaning the toilet.  I mostly cleaned it, after the blockage past.  But... yea... it... needs more cleaning.  And, probably, getting waterers refilled, or set up to be refilled.

I fed Sassy, then cleared her litter boxes, first thing.  I'll get something going for breakfast this morning.  I didn't have chia, yesterday?  I think not.  I skipped either yesterday, or the day before.  Which... is going to be the regular going forward.  So, chia this morning, if eggs and bacon tomorrow.  I must admit, I'd prefer eggs and bacon today, but I need to clean before I can cook... the stovetop, pans, everything.  Ugh.  I'll... get on that.  But, I can have chia this morning.  Sweetened, but only two drops.  It'll be rather bland for it, but... so be it.  Blood sugar is 199.  Coming back down, but...  I guess too much fruit.  Bleh.  Later.

A problem and chores.

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The toilet backed up.  Thing is, it flushed fine.  Was clear.  Then... it just... wasn't.  Very odd.  Nothing should have backed it up.  Pee just doesn't do that.  I checked the temp.  Air temp suggested 36.  Even so, I do wonder if the ground froze?  That has caused backups before.  I... have to suspect.  Still, after this and that, it is clear.  Thankfully.

Chores were done.  I am losing track of days, so always worry that I'll go out there and find them all dead.  Or even a few of them.  I have put enough food and water for two days, usually easily.  And, try to get out there daily anyway.  But... that doesn't always happen.  Most of the waterers were empty, but some had food.  Some had a lot of food, strangely.  Others were empty.  Very odd.  But... for today, done.

I haven't had more fruit.  And, a good thing.  Blood sugar is up to 143.  Not horrible, but enough.  As well, I am feeling much better.  That 90 and dropping, or even hovering, was making me feel rather ill.  Even now, I feel a little off from the extended lower blood sugar.  Just wasn't ready for a two hundred point drop, especially just from diet.

I may have another fatted coffee, before bed, but only two drops this time.  And, probably less total.  Which isn't a bad program.  I don't mind cutting caffeine intake.  I won't say I'll ever quit it, but less isn't bad.  I did think about eggs and bacon, but I just... I'm done doing things.  Didn't even get to dishes.  Will, soon enough.  I hope.

Some coffee, checking a few things in the game, then on to bed.  Hmm, may try to call my mom.  Called her yesterday, she was... busy?  I was going to bed, so I told her not to call later, but that I loved her.  Hey... it's as good as we can do, sometimes.  We all try, even when, especially when, we don't feel like it.  And, she knows.  

Always remember to tell the ones you love that you love them.  Assuming they know is not good enough.  Say it especially when angry.  Someone asked me what I would do if I knew I would die tomorrow?  I told them that I would do exactly what I am doing.  It is as much as I can do, and in the best direction I know to go.  Amen.  Goodnight.

Had to eat fruit cups too.

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The kidney was really good.  Even having been in the freezer a while.  Came out perfect.  Added a bit of butter, just... because.  I like it like that.  Some salt, but not a lot.  If, too, I don't eat the white parts, mostly.  Some of the fat, sure, but not the white organy parts, mostly.  But, blood sugar still wasn't rising.  I was getting a pretty serious negative reaction from the lower blood sugar.  It wasn't going down, but at 90ish, it was rough.

The fruit, last I checked, got it up to 107.  Still have a headache from it being low.  Hopefully it will go up just a bit more.  It's a rough one.

Medicine in.  Pills.  No need for insulin, obviously.  I did take the slow acting, last night, as is required, still, probably.  Ugh.  But, for a while, fast acting may not be required.

I best get chores done.  Then get on to bed.  Friday, already?  I was thinking it was Thursday, but... easy to get messed up when blood sugar is off and I am sleeping days.  And, one day off isn't even all that bad.  It WAS Thursday... until it wasn't.

Well... on to more.  Later, or more likely goodnight, and good morning and day.  Actually, I may have some more fruit.  It's low carb, as low carb as that stuff can get.  But, still, will add a boost to blood sugar.

My body is so ready.

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For ketosis.  Just one day of very cautious eating, and my blood sugar sort of crashes.  It is 90.  That isn't quite a complete crash, but compared to 225ish, and probably that or higher for the last week, and with just one half a day of watching everything, with very light doses of insulin (being very careful with that), it's quite a drop and change.  It is enough of a drop to make me feel ill.

I... have plans to eat, shortly.  Kidneys.  Like em', don't.  I quite enjoy them.  And, I know they are good for me.  Oh, and my breath smells worse than the kidneys possibly could.  I am already hitting ketosis.  I can tell.  Brushing my teeth is not helping, nothing is.  It's... a body chemistry thing.  So, yeah, already hitting ketosis.  Must have been close, though, in spite of what I have been eating.

My guess is, since I have eating so little, while it keep blood sugar high, it was ready to drop into ketosis at the absolute first opportunity.  Eating every other, or every third day, if carb heavy foods, made the issues paper tigers.  I have the water going, to do kidneys in just a bit.  An odd, very fatty, very rich in vitamins and minerals, food.  You can't beat it, at least once a week, keto food.  Well, a different offal per week.  Plus, it means these things aren't wasted.  Eat portions so as to eat the whole animal, over time.  Some things I... won't eat.  Then again, rocky mountain oysters, of most natures, are just fine.  Ovary stew I will do without, however.  There is something... too feminine about that.  Let that be for the ladies, if anyone must eat it.  All I'm saying.

If I could find brain, I'd eat it.  Even beef, at this point, if preferably hog, lamb, or goat.  Probably illegal, or through official sources.  Heck, I'd take the whole head, of some animals, and bake or old-school barbecue it.  I know, some people are delicate.  Different foods scare them.  They have warped humans to think only store-bought food is good.  Which is the exact opposite of the truth, especially with everything processed, including "milk".  That... isn't milk, really.  If milk might be slightly sketchy, on it's own, anyway.  Fat free isn't even the way to go, fat you need.  It's the sugars in it, fat free or not, that will get you.  Which is why kefir and yogurt are the best ways.  Processed, by by nature, not man.

Anyway...  I best eat pretty soon.  Blood sugar is low enough to make me dizzy.  I don't think it's dropping too much more or quickly, but... enough to have some concern.  I'd best eat something, very soon.  Ugh.  Later.

Different.

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I went savory, with chia breakfast.  And, really, it was pretty good.  Chia, hot water, and a touch of coffee... just to be... different.  Not that adding coffee is odd, but what else was in it made the mix seem... strange... to even my mind.  Then I added butter, cream, a teaspoon of sea salt... half more like, but to taste... garlic and onion powder or flakes for the latter, a touch of cinnamon, oh, and a quarter teaspoon of ghost pepper flakes.  You know you... have a taste for spicy, when you choose ghost pepper for a milder heat profile.  *grins*

Seriously, compared to my really hot stuff, that is... still warm, but... the difference between a foot and an inch from the flame?  Something like that.

It turned out swell.  Different, indeed, but good.  Now, I am not quite ready to go on the carnivore diet.  But, I am heading that way.  As such, I am beginning to limit my sweet drops to four a day.  I had... gotten... a bit overboard with those.  Even now, I meant to put in two, but put in three, in my fatted coffee, and was about to put in more, out of habit.  Three isn't two, but it also isn't five or seven or ten.  So... it's... a start.  Boy is it bitter.  I'll probably need to cut coffee?  Though, this time, I added a bit much, for some odd reason.

All good.  It will take me a while to retrain.  And, I am still, somewhat, in zombie mode.  Just... acting, or reacting, or going by habit.  Even with the furnace up, I am cold.  Until my body gets used to medicine, that is how it will be.  I am guess this summer will be much better, even when it gets hot... until I break down from the heat.  AC only does just so much.  The heat, and cold, will break me down, eventually.  Of course, that I am less resistant to the cold, and more resistant to heat, to my mind, almost assures that I am getting healthier.  It is a good sign, even if it doesn't mean a whole lot.  It... just... is a better trend, mild trend, but good.

While I can't quite get to full carnivore, immediately, I will be pushing to get as close as possible as I go along.  I am hoping, by the first part of June, to have stocks in and be ready to dump sweetener totally, if I haven't already.  Tic-toc, tic-toc, tic-toc, but I think I can.  Bacon and eggs yet today.  And, maybe fried chops.  But, too, dishes, a shower, and... such.  Ugh.  

While carnivore isn't exactly keto, it could easily be considered a form of it.  Adding intermittent fasting, and... yea, sure.  They become quite similar.  Not long ago, I was in ketosis strongly.  But more because I wasn't eating almost anything but meat and chia, but too, I wasn't eating enough, rightly.  My breath smelled so bad.  Ugh.  I'll probably have to go through the keto flu again.  Sometimes the methods to ameliorate that work, or help.  Sometimes nothing helps.  Will just have to see, this time.  

Blood sugar went up, but then I am having a fatted coffee right after the odd chia breakfast.  Perhaps I needed to wait.  Still, was surprised it rose 47 points, to 267.  Will check again in about three hours.  Later.

Failure?

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Yes, to a degree.  Some of the problem seems to be my keto menu has not been pure enough?  Maybe.  Some of it has been because I have not been keeping to keto foods, not as well as I could/should?  I... don't know.  All I know is between blood sugar and ketosis, I'm in, out, all over the place.  So?  Choices.

Quit?  That's... a choice.  Or... get gud?  (aka get good, a gaming term if you are having problems)  Improve, update, learn, adapt, kick ass.  That... is another choice.  I just... wasn't... able to clearly think my way around to how to do that.  But, I have been keeping my ears to the ground.  And, tonight, I... may have found the trick?

Get gud...

So many dreams.

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.

Everything from war, both myself and a brothers in arms.  We didn't get along, for whatever reason.  However, though we fought, we would die to bring the other out, and nearly did.  He may have died back in there, but I was looking for him, last I knew.  I had a psychic connection.  That had been broken, but it just may have been that he was in a coma, or deeply unconscious.  I... was pretty sure I'd get him, wake him or even just haul him out, and that he would be fine.  Still didn't like him, if... that isn't what it is about.  Your people are your people, period.

Oh, and dreams of when I was a child... the girlfriends I had... the innocent ones.  I hated fake teas, but played along.  There were some girls I just... liked.  Had nothing to do with sex, though, in time, may have led to that.  I enjoyed much of what girls were about.  And, even if I thought of sex with an adult woman when I was young, I really generally didn't think of that with girls my age, or even much older... until they were post-puberty.

I explored, in one dream, why I fancied the woman I did.  Ah... she was so very feminine.  She loved having babies.  She was strongly devoted to her man.  She just... effused the feminine.  And, yes, that was a huge draw.  She must have been releasing feminine pheromones at massive levels, almost like being in a drugged air cloud around her.  Yes, I remember, if I didn't understand back then.  Some women are hyper feminine, or for times in their life.  But for the masculine, it's a drawing, limiting, controlling thing.  Which probably ends up being a two-way street.  Even as a child, I... knew what I was looking at, if I didn't understand it.  And, even with my... oddities, I... knew which side of the street I preferred?  I wouldn't even say preferred.  You are either on the right side of the street, or left side.  I was... either on the wrong side of the wrong street, or by common conventions, regardless of oddities, on the left side OF the right side of the road?  Some such.  But I definitely was drawn to some honey bees, or queen bees?  I'd say queens.  Die for them, even back then, if required, even if futilely.  Yes, a dream captured much of this, though it has been on my mind since seeing Northman.  Because, yes, she... Kidman... reminded me of Carol.

Oh, speaking of which, I didn't realize the witch, prophetess, whatever was played by Bjork!  I knew the shaman (jokester, what have you) was played by William Defoe.  Or, just now, learning Ethan Hawke was in it as a major role?  Crazy.  Didn't recognize some of them.  But the cast is among those whose shows (of them I have seen) are among my favored actors and actresses.  Still, not my favored types these days, but, excellent for the type of show it was.  I didn't get every twist, but I knew about mommy dearest, and why though too.  But the final ending... I had hoped for... different, if that was a... possibility.  There were only three possible endings.  It always surprises me that others can't see what is possible, and so be prepared for it.  Most people are led to one type of ending, usually a hollywood ending...  The "good guy" wins, gets the good gal, and go have good babies.  I know there are no good guys, good gals, though babies can make up for some of it.  Amen.

Oh, and other dreams.  On and on.  Streams of open thought, closed speculation, war, love (what's always the difference), and else.  A bit sore, in the ribs, this morning.  But generally much better than the last few days.  And I have been doing well with medicine, if eating a bit too carby even yesterday.

Some meats are thawed.  The bigger cuts need a while longer.  I have whole chicken hindquarter pieces, rather than just thighs or drumsticks (how I prefer it the rare times I can find it in my preferred price level).  But they aren't quite thawed yet either.  Bacon is thawed, and chops.  So, I may even bake some of the bacon, and have bacon and eggs sometime after chia.  I need to cut back on chia, but... until I can, I can't.

Still dark, mostly, today.  It was 52 a few minutes ago.  I'll try to get chores done before long, before it is truly dark.  Then dishes and a shower, maybe a trim and shave.  Medicine, right first thing.  Blood sugar is 217 fasting, so... yeah.  But I have to eat, and have eaten what I have.  But I am getting it down to 136, and even lower, during the day.  Working on it.  Later.

Nothing more.

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Not even breakfast... or... eggs and brats.  Hungry, as can be.  But... just... couldn't get to it.  All good.  A bit after nine.  I'll just go to bed early.  Hopefully get to dishes this afternoon morning.  :p  And, maybe a meal between efforts.  I have meats thawing, so... there is that, as well.  If it usually takes nearly two days to thaw roasts...  altitude, and being cool for the season.  Which is fine.  It'll get there.  though, perhaps, the chops will be ready by this evening?  Maybe.

I did get a number of things done.  Foods stored downstairs, boxes broken down, packing tended, a bit of organizing of the loose materials around... nothing fancy, but not bad.  Especially for as sore and tired as I am.  I like working through the pain, when I can focus.  Something about the challenge.  Did a bit of gaming, but not too much.

I'm stuck, on about three or four bosses.  Like being stuck in the mud, you just have to ease it forward, and back, try to rock out of the hole.  And, if that doesn't work, try something else.  Cat litter, a board, a pulley, a tow from someone.  That is one thing I haven't done in the game.  You can get players to help.  Though... how good they are is another question altogether.  I just... don't... like playing that way.  Still, I may, in the end, on one or two bosses.  But I hate doing that.  And, as mentioned, it is just as likely not to work as it is to be helpful.

Sassy has eaten well.  And has begun enjoying being up on the cat tree.  I'd like to, in time, sooner than later, get a new, better, higher, cat tree for her.  She was... almost afraid of it at first.  I don't know why.  She loved it when she was a little one.  It may have had to do with Sam, dominance, and... such?  In any case, she has retaken a liking to it.  And, further, is enjoying being on near eyelevel with me.  She could be higher, but... doesn't seem to quite prefer that.  Some dames are more demure then others.

Well, on to bed.  Hmm, oh, best take medicine for this morning, and perhaps a smaller dose of fast acting?  But I'd want to eat something with it.  Sardines?  Maybe.  Well, maybe not.  Blood sugar is down to 137.  So, I'll just let that go, for the night.  And skip anything extra, even if hungry.  Sleepier than hungry anyway.  Have a good one.

Dark, early, wet, cold.

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Just at 06:33.  The temp outside is right at 36.  And it is raining.  Sure can use the rain, if more hoping for snow at higher elevations.  Or... so they say.  It sounds like there will be water restrictions, if I still suspect they are shuttling water to California, one way or another, as fast as they can.  It also sounds like they will be dumping a large chunk of water from Flaming Gorge.  They say to just maintain electrical production, but... that just isn't so.  They will dump it to Cali and Vegas.  Can't believe anything they say, anymore.

All that rain will do, they say, is keep grass alive a little longer.  But, if watering is cut to once a week, or less, there won't be lawns.  Some suggest they can come back from a hard year.  I'm not totally convinced.  Especially with extreme limitations.  I guess I wouldn't mind, if California had built any reserve capacity in the last twenty years, while allowing in millions of foreigners and burgeoning their populations.  They have done nothing.  As such, I feel not requirement to share.  They have a whole coast of water, on top of that.  Let them desalinate.  Expensive?  So are millions of illegals.  I don't hear them sending those back, keeping others out.  Unfortunately, their money spends, buys politicians, pushes politics.

Can't believe it is still this cool.  And, cloudy today.  Low hanging clouds, can't see the mountains.  Dark, wet, cold, and early.  Doesn't matter which order that is arranged, it's all the same.  Still, it's... pleasant, in a way.  It smells nice.  Almost floral, certainly grassy, verdant scents in general... topped by slight floral, or fruit?  A mix.  It's... nice.  Kept to a minimum by the cool though.

I've eaten thrice, still hungry.  Blood sugar is a bit higher, but working on it.  Some of it is the foods I have available, currently, or the non-meat portions, are a bit carby.  Beans, and bread (if protein, so not terrible), and crackers... for sardines.  Oh... I'll pull meat out.  A pork roast, more burger, chicken if I have a pack, and kidneys.  Yep, had all, and chops.

Kidneys might seem an odd, off, even scary food.  But it is so easy to cook, and eat, and is actually tasty.  If you are really sensitive, you can soak it in various ways.  I do that, usually.  And, it has an odd flavor, but is so full of vitamins.  It is just behind liver, and maybe similar to heart?  But, texture wise, I think it is better than those, or even tongue.  I need onion, to go with that, and liver next week.  Love me some offal.  And, it's cheap because people are eating the wrong meats.  All good for me... as long as I can find some.  It, liver, heart, and the rest, is becoming much more difficult and rater to find, so I try to stock up when I find it.  Just a few of each, if possible.

Oh, and bacon!  The good stuff.  It's cut thinner than it used to be, but three pounds of prime bacon, for $10?  I'll take that in a heartbeat.  It is similar in price and weight to the odds and ends of bacon, but this is truly good.  The odds and ends can be... a bit... old...  It can taste a bit off.  This has never tasted wrong.  It isn't as prettily cut, but that's perfect by me.  I like the natural cuts of meat.

Anyway... not sure what I could eat yet today.  Eggs, I suppose, fried in a bit of tallow.  Really does well.  But I don't have anything... wait!  There are two remaining brats.  Perfect to be warmed, and have a few eggs, over easy, on top!

I haven't gotten to cleaning the freezer, or dishes, but it is... still... possible.  I think I'll be up for a while longer.  Just the way of things.  Later.

Little things, so far.

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Feeling a bit better.  But achy.  Still, put liners in the trash bins, am prepping another meal, did some online shopping, if I checked finances and decided that is pretty much it.  I still have two bills to get money on.  Will be looking for my checking books, as well, before long.  I think I knew where they were.  Though... if they are still there is a question yet to be certified.

Bits and pieces of other things are happening.  Not a lot, not big things, not exceedingly often, but... a good go of things.

Brats and beans.  Out of sauerkraut, if the brand I had purchased last was... not favored.  It had a sulfur smell, very strange.  Still, I was pretty sure it was reasonably edible, just slightly... odd tasting.  Out, so, beans with the brats.  Not a bad meal, really.  What do the English call them?  Something about bangers and mashers, or... something.  Well, you'll have to excuse them, they are English.  They don't even rule themselves... they, like we seem to have turned, are ruled by elites and foreigners.  No longer a free nation.  Just... let it go, they did.

Anyway... it's something.  I'm baking them, as I don't have charcoal.  May not get any this month.  And I have a full list of preps for next month, unless they raise in cost so much I have to change the orders.  Wouldn't surprise me.  Life is... getting hard.  Will only get harder.  Still, the only thing, sometimes, the little ones can do is turn our backs to the infamy and trudge on.  So be it.

I am still hoping to get to dishes, and a shower.  Will... have to see if that works out.  Will push towards it.  I want to be set up, again, for better meals, soon.  Well, two bills and groceries.  Ugh, but it gets so tight, so fast.  Thankfully I don't have to drive much, these days.  That's murder, the pumps.  Enjoy.  If you chose this, enjoy it.  Later.

More.

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I have been ordering foods for storage.  Short and medium term... six months to a year.  There are many holes in my planning.  Some of the food is not good for keto.  There are limits.  I do have longer term foods, too.  Stored to last decades, with five years on the clock albeit.  Still, it's what I can do.

Storing, long... even medium term, with keto, isn't actually possible.  Just understand that.  The caveat, to middle to longer term storage, is to store what you will eat, and eat it.  I can, in good conscious, only do that to a smaller degree.  If I ate just my stores, blood sugar would be incontrollable.  What I can do is store what I know I will eat, and eat some of it off, from time to time.  Health issues limit my ability.  But, in a true grid down, I will just have to eat what I have.

Chia seed, though, can be stored well.  But that isn't enough.  And, actually, I need to find that in longer term storage, or figure out how to put it up.  It can replace much, but not all.  Nor would I wish to have it replace all.  I have eaten it, nearly daily, for about a year, maybe two?  But I am hitting limits.  I will be cutting it back to two or three times a week, and figuring out something else... eggs and bacon, eventually kefir if I can find my feet and keep up on it, and such.  I like a softer, easier, breakfast.  And, while I despise breakfast, as a meal, I realize I need it.  My systems work far better with it.  Like it or not.

And, I am beginning to explore other options, such as powdered cream.  I have... heard... it isn't the most... appealing of things?  Yet, for camping, or disaster, it can't be faulted.  Other things are being considered.  A lowering of expectation, but a continuation of some normalcy, for a while, should it hit and hard.  All it would take is the nuking of Taiwan or Ukraine, and the gig is absolutely up.  And, don't think it couldn't, wouldn't happen.  Hell, toss Tokyo in.  I'm not even sure the elites mind.  Just... a means to an end, and that is "OUR" elites.  Their elites absolutely don't care.  Yes, we are at that point.  They don't want to be poor, like us.  And would rather go out with a bang, than a whimper?  Something like that.  If, too, they are trying to force us to live like peasants, in the meanwhile.  Wet dreams of being Chinese or Russian elites, who do whatever they want to do, ignoring their people, and their health, wealth, and else for their own grandiose natures.

Yes.  I'm telling you now, stock up.  At least a month or two of food.  If you are older, less active, and might end up shut down and homebound, it won't be as much food as all that.  A couple of big bags of rice and beans would nearly do it, save for boredom.  Add in a dozen cans each of tomatoes, other veggies, potted meats, and longer lasting, shelf stable, protein breads... or canned if blood sugar isn't an issue... and crackers of some sort.  I use keto, but if I could, I'd add saltines or ritz.  Would anyway, but their shelflife is abhorrent, mostly.  And, not things I should eat, even occasionally.  Love those regular saltines, with butter or peanut butter or jelly or... in soups/stews/chili.  Ugh.

Sardines, if you can handle them.  Trust me, something different, from time to time, will be glorious.  Especially something full-flavored.  Cans of things.  Perhaps even honey and/or maple syrup (the real stuff, both in glass), or even molasses.  Things to add a bit to stuff.  And packets of spices, whole black pepper (or white, I have both).

Start small.  Build a bit, eat a bit of it, replace it twice over, etc.  Days, weeks, months, or... never.  Though, it doesn't have to be a big bomb, here or there.  All it has to be is a twisted ankle, a broken hip, closed banks, or an electrical outage for good or no good reason.

Anyway... I got a lot of that downstairs, and collected the boxes, got them to the front room, along with packing and plastic packing, and tore all that down.  I was... a good boy.  If, too, I am beginning to think I am avoiding dishes.  Though, to be honest, I think I trick-fucked myself.  That was harder work, and now my back is a bit out, shoulder really hurt, biceps and leg muscles all got a good workout.  And, yet, I am pleased.

I had asked someone to bring food.  Turns out he had worked late, had a water main problem which soaked him, and was just getting home after... twelve to fifteen hours of work?  Okay.  So, he said he'd get right on it.  Really?  I just told him, if he wished to do me a favor today, to stay home, get warm, rest, eat, and never think about such again.  Didn't have to twist his arm, didn't want to have to.  It's... nice, from time to time, to at least pretend to be kindly.  *grins*

I'll... figure something out.  I... won't be showered, and ready, fast enough to be out before the world shuts down.  But I have a few things.  Canned potted beef, protein bread, sparkling water, and a smile.  Life... is good, can be.  I am grateful for it.  Amen.

Eight hours, or so.

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Down a bit after 11:00, up a bit after 17:00.  It is 57 out there.  Not bad, but still on the cool side.  And, it was an at least partly sunny day.  All good.  I guess.

For no particular reason, trash and recycling have been put out.  Sure, they needed to go.  But, they weren't really on any list.  Friday through Sunday is usually when they hit the list.  Still, all good.  Needed to go.  While there wasn't much volume, as I haven't been cooking or cleaning or else, much, by time... they really... needed to go.  Done.

Dishes are the prime target of the list.  Well, cleaning the cleared freezer top is next.  But, not only am I a going to push dishes through today, I am also going to push putting the clean dishes away quickly.  I want to get back to cooking, and get some real foods too cook, soon.  Maybe nothing fancy.  But... food, real food.  Stews, using chicken broth... meats; roasts, chops, burger, cooked and ready for several days to a week.  And, the better veggies.  Plus leafy greens.  While I am getting salad, mostly prepped, I may begin getting other types of lettuce, to add to it.  Better greens.  I can't pass up the convenience, but I can add in some better greens as well.  I do my best.  If my best has been little better than a beastly way, lately.

Blood sugar was 259 fasting.  Figured it would be high.  Odd how I can get it lower, during the day, sometimes.  But, yeah, right now, just getting back to some sort of rhythm one medicine and food is that priority... better food.  The rest will just have to come back into line as it may.  Ugh.

Still a bit tired, a bit sore, with a minor headache.  But... far better than when I woke yesterday, or went to bed last.  Tough days, but better.  Painkiller helped.  I'd do it again, but as I have mentioned, it doesn't work well twice in a row.  And, the combination is not the healthiest stuff out there.  If you need a sledge hammer, every day, then change the process.  Or understand it.  I do what I can of both, if often just suffering through pain.  Meh.  As mentioned, that keeps me... aware.  It's only when I become numb from it that... I try to find another other way.

Yes, dishes, a shower, medicine.  I've been doing well, back on medicine, mostly?  Well, for a day.  As with insulin.  I keep falling off, but realizing it and getting back on.  Missing doses, here and there, sometimes able to make it up, sometimes not.  Doing my best.  So very tired, mind fog...  But, keeping at it.  And, beginning to do bits and more bits of work, here and there.  Will never catch up.  But, can... do some things.

I have started on the boxes.  Mostly, currently, finding cd's, dvd's, and games, and getting them together, eventually to be put into the living room, near the 'bookcase' for them.  But, while doing that, I may try to get those boxes, and the loose stuff, sorted and collected, in some sort of order.  Bit by bit.  I'll keep at it.  But a shower, right after dishes are finished and drying, would be superior.  And another tomorrow.

I'll keep trying.  Beeping, for something or other?  Time to feed Sassy, for one thing.  Cleaned her litter last night, and changed her water yesterday.  Been feeding and treating her well enough too.  Later.

Still awake.

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.

Why?  I was trying, and succeeding, at doing small discreet little packets of work.  From clearing, if not cleaning, the freezer top, to waterers, to food, to finishing boxes, and doing a few from the kitchen, and on.  Very little tasks.  Didn't get to dishes.  But... getting closer.

That, in spite of hurting in many ways, all over.  I just hurt.  Ah, I'll take some painkillers, since I have been doing well, the last few days.  Ignoring the pains, and trying.  Oh, and I have been pushing back on to medicine.  I... haven't checked blood sugar in a while.  Nor taken insulin well for days.  Plus I have been eating... poorly.  Even so, blood sugar is 131, after a meal about... three hours ago?  I'll... take that.  I am sure fasting blood sugar may well be nose-bleed high.  But... So be it.  I start where I am, wherever and whenever I am.  I begin from there, and do what I may.

I'll probably take night medicine, for... Wednesday?  I think so.  I'll take night medicine for today, and get the water pills in this evening.

I'll send a text, letting someone know something.  Not that it will necessarily be of any use, but it may be.  I try not to leave others stranded, just because I am crippled.

But... it is about bedtime.  I have done as many smaller and larger tasks as I possibly can.  I still hurt, in so many ways.  My headache, while just a simple one, is rather long-lasting... from when I woke, to of the more severe forms of regular headaches.  I'm... tired, just from that.  Though, toss in the other pains, and efforts, and bedtime calls.

Honestly, though, I am grateful to God for the pain.  It's... all that holds me here.  Or... all I can find, know, see, here.  Pain is what helps me remember I am still alive.  And, if I must be alive, I would rather know it, even if only through suffering.  Another way would be better, but that option doesn't seem to be available.  And, yes, I mean that.  I am grateful for pain.  And the humility it affords.  Finally, a means of a virtue I... greatly desire.  Still not great at it, but... give it time.

Now, on to bed.  After a quick text.  Be well.  Work and play with joy.  Cause a bit of trouble, along the way, just in a kindlier way.  I'll be praying for you as I go to be beat upon by bigger giants, and... maybe even ball one for it's... troubles.  Actually, I only kicked one of it's balls.  Still, caused it to spout vomit.  Not on me, thankfully.  It must have just eaten?  Ha!  Anyway... I'm on to getting my butt kicked in whatever world those dreams happen.  I guess, for good or ill, taking and giving pain is my job.  So be it.

Slow.

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.

A few last boxes torn down, and packing material torn down and collected.  Plus, I moved the flattened boxes so as to check the porch.  Yep.  A few of the last things ordered.  I have also decided to order a few food items.  I really suspect things are going to get hard, and dark, fast.  And, with the idiot in chief, a nuclear engagement isn't out of question.  I don't think that will be by accident, mind you.  It's... the plan.  And, yes, it will affect you, in ways you definitely don't have any understanding in relation to, at this point.  Not yet.

Beside boxes, I did get all the waterers caught up, fully.  Nothing fancy, just... done.  Out of the way.  Will make getting to dishes easier.  And taking a shower.  So tired, and sore.  May take a nap before long.  Just can't stay awake.  It has been a struggle these last weeks.  Looks like I may lose.  I may just crash hard.  Hoping to get a shower first, but... maybe not.

What I am ordering isn't keto, but keto won't be possible in a hard time like what is presenting as possible.  No, it won't have to be a major, or full out, nuclear engagement for the world to change.  Just a few tacticals, in Ukraine, maybe a few form bloc countries, and... it'll all change.  Or on Taiwan.  China is gearing up for some bullshittery, and our government is supporting both Russia and China in these things, despite what it might seem.  My only wonder is if Japan and South Korea will go down with Taiwan.  They know they are next, might try to fight back.  Neither have the means, with a retard for US president.  And evil retard at that.

I did get a bite to eat.  I had canned chili, but had thawed ground beef, cooked that, and mixed it at about two or three ground beef to canned chili.  Not great for carbs, but filling.  Needed meat.  I may bake some brats tonight, or... tomorrow... as well.  I have figured out how to bake them, since I am out of charcoal.  It works fairly well, to be honest.

Well, so be it.  Later, or goodnight.

Everything hurts today.

.

.

It's all mild pain.  But everything from my shoulders, shoulder blades, and my funny bone from the elbow, to feet, ankles, and skin generally from the hips down.  Knees and ankles, ligaments and joints. and muscles almost everywhere.  Just a general soreness.

I don't remember fighting with bigger giants in my dreams, but... this is what it felt like, especially after a couple of low fives... being smacked by the open hand of a giant after having fallen to the ground.  Patty cake, patty cake, bam!  Who knows why I hurts, just that I do.  Even organs, a bit.

Still, the first things first.  Planning.  Dishes, from start to stop, after clearing and cleaning the freezer top.  I won't be doing it immediately, but soon enough.  I have to wake, first.

It seems to have been sunny all day.  But not all that warm.  It was ~53 out there just a bit ago, around ~17:45.  Strangely cool for a sunny day.  But, okay.

I really need to get to the store, for groceries.  But, I have to shower first.  Then again, dishes have to be at least washed first?  Well, I could just dump them and move them, then shower.  I could.  But I want to try to get the dishes done and moved, first.  Besides, I wouldn't be doing anything right away.

When I complete these dishes, that is it for dishes for a while.  A couple days off.  Then, when I start back to dishes, just one group at a time.  Maybe try to do that daily.  But... when I overdo, it just crashes my system.  There are so many dishes, that it'll take a while.  Tuckers me out just looking at the group.  Probably won't be all that bad, but... maybe.

Later.

A bit to eat and the last of the boxes.

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.

That is about it.  Oh, some more gaming.  Another boss which I was having difficulty taking.  A couple of tries and... got it.  Not the dishes, not a shower, not the waterers.  I... have stayed up, longer, trying to get more done.  It isn't going to happen.  So, on to bed.

My eyes are burning, from extending my stay.  Odd.  I think I was up later the last few days.  But, I was more active today.  Perhaps the efforts have worn me out?  Oh, no... what it was is the dust from working in the sheds.  Right.  That will do it.  Anyway... nice to have that sorted out.

I am looking at apps, for hiking.  Not sure if they will work here, or which ones are better for Utah.  It would be good to have tech, that I can trust.  But, while at it, to learn to use physical maps again.  It's been a very long time.  Sure, on highways, but not off-road, on foot, out 'there'.  Of course, even finding local maps... I didn't have the greatest success.  May try again, soon.

Well, on to bed.  Goodnight.

An odd start.

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.

Some boxes broken down.  Packing broken down too.  More to do, but about half done... from in this room.  I was trying to get in to get a 'bookcase' for cd's, dvd's, and console games.  I finally got in to that, dusted it off... the shelves and pretty much everywhere.  Then got it set up in the living room.  It's not the most stable, on the carpeting, but maybe with movies and games in, it'll settle a bit.  I have it slightly wedged, for now, with other furniture.

Then I got the cat tree out.  It's pretty ripped up.  I'll vacuum, and other sort it out, before too long.  And, then, set it somewhere Sassy may be more likely to use it.  I may need to replace it.  I am hoping she will enjoy it.

A bit of food.  But, it really wasn't much, or filling.  I'll have to figure something else out.  A bit of gaming, between work efforts.  Not a lot, just a few things, here and there.  The game has gotten brutal, again.  Not sure, but I think the updates have rendered my methods useless.  That and they changed algorithms, so that... I think... you have to die a certain number of times before even having a chance to get through.  It's... how they do all these games.  So, the bosses may well cheese you, where you have no way of winning.  It's programmed in to be randomly unfair.

I'll hit the last of the boxes out here.  Then figure out something else to eat... if possible.  Then, hopefully, hit dishes, and the last of the waterers.  Maybe taking a shower if possible.  Then, a bit of relaxing on on to bed.  I may or may not have more help tomorrow and/or the next day.   So... I'm going to try to get better sleep in, and be cleaned up.  Even if it doesn't happen, being up and going would be good.  And clean.

Cleared out some of the outbuildings, at least of old wood, metal bits, and such.  The floors remain to be cleaned off.  As well, the clothesline needs to go back up.  I had hoped to clear the foam from the posts tonight, but have... other things going.  At least I am doing something.

As to the hammock?  I wanted to have that up and going, but realized my stakes are all missing.  So, I had to order new.  But... was broke last month.  So, those have been ordered.  Should be here by the end of the week.  Some long, some middling.  Never can be sure.  When they get here, I can get the tarp up.  And, if so, sleep out there, a night or two.  Practice putting it up and taking it down.  Learn how to dry it all in the morning, and get it into my pack.  As well, I may begin practicing using other gear, cooking and rain, figuring out how to change clothes.  I'd really like to begin camping, if hiking first.  And... well... I... have things to learn.

One thing at a time.  If I can remember.  Oh, I asked about help getting to the V.A.  I may or may not always need it, but...  I may not need it this time.  Just thought to ask.  There are other options, but those would mean being up there all day?  Yea, no.  I'd have to find someplace to go, where I wouldn't have to wear a mask or whatever other freaky requirements the hospital might try to impose, and, yet, still be picked up.  Anyway... thought to ask.  Trying to... sort things.  Might be able to get to it myself.  Just... asked.

Well, on to the last of the boxes, some food, gaming, then waterers, dishes, and a shower.  Later.

How very absolutely strange.

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I got to the waterers.  Finished all I need, have another batch set up to be filled, actually, everything including from chores today is emptied, and in one of the freshly filled fill buckets.  Only two waterers, out of thirteen, was less than half full so pulled to be refilled today.  Very strange.  I did check, they are all flowing.  Though, perhaps, at night they do freeze?  Maybe, maybe not.  I just hedges at 32.  If the rabbits drink at all, there is a good chance they don't freeze.

More, food.  Only two were completely out, a few more could use a topping off of feed, but most were still full.  ...  I... someone here?

----------

Yep!  A visitor.  I was grumping at the world, through the only ear that I thought might listen, and it did.  Here to do some work.  So... I... got boots and gloves, and went and helped as little as I was able.  Gave him some money, for food, too.  He never understands.  Just because I am hollering doesn't mean a thing.  Wait until he is married, he'll, hopefully, learn to understand.  Old, ill, women, those sorts... live a different sort of life.  Hollering, often, is just to be heard.  Grateful to be heard, he doesn't understand.  But... will.

Got the majority of items out.  Just need to clear the floors next.  And, set up, maybe, to get the clothesline back up.  I need to clear the post, though.  Get the muck initially tried, foam stuff, off.  Mostly.  He thinks leaving some of it on might not be a bad idea.  I'll.... think on it.  Still, have to get some of it off.  It would be nice to have that up, and setting, for use in a week or so.  Putting bedding out, and some other things.

I... wasn't a great help.  But I got out, into the sun.  He says the earlier days have been sunny.  I guess I just haven't seen it.  All I have seen is cloud.  How very strange.  I did help some.  Then became like a child, confused, or lost focus to some item or topic.  But, being out, in the sun, even as cool as it is, was just fine.  I may have developed a slight sunburn.  Really.

Now, to get breakfast going.  And do dishes and get a shower in.  Then, at some point, work on the clothesline posts.  Yea, maybe.  Will try.  If I can get back up.  Tired.  It just hit like a ton of bricks.  What I just did wore me out.  Later.

Ow.

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Headache.  From sleep being so topsy-turvy.  Ah, but I got to see the sun for a bit.  Will go do chores, to see it more?  Oh, but I have to refill the little waterers.  Ugh.  Still, should be quick.  I can hope the sun is still out.  Seemed like a moment ago, but moments move so... quickly... around the dying.  But the pain from that, and else, is... mild, today.  Just enough to grump just a bit.  Then get on with it.

Water is warming, for breakfast.  Teeth are brushed, I'll get medicine in today.  I stumbled three or four times last week, on medicine, missing several nights.  I could make up for some of it, but not all of it.  I have to get back on track.  Done well the last two days, would like to stabilize this week.  Then, if I can be good on medicine this week, begin checking bp next week.  But... I keep forgetting insulin.  I'm not eating often, and have been eating canned beans with or without whatever meats I can find.  So, not eating right, but not eating often.

Medicine was the package, last night.  So, I'll... get that arranged.  But, too, I need to figure out how to get to the V.A. for a blood test.  He, as a doctor, medical provider, has the right... and need... to check that.  Absolutely fair enough.  It's... just... a matter of getting there, when I am in this condition.  If I can't get there by next Tuesday, I'll call and see what we can arrange.  I don't like the arrangements, so, will... try to sort this out!  Ugh.

A call about money owed.  I am patient.  That patience has been pushed.  If it were twenty, or fifty, that would be one thing.  Larger amounts... if too, it has been months...  Not.. happy.  Oh, I understand.  He is over a barrel himself.  But, sometimes, you have to kick barrels.  It's... how the world works.  Nobody likes to kick barrels, stir shit, stomp in mudpuddles, hit bee nests, but... sometimes, that's what has to be done.  I have been on both sides.  Not favored, sometimes required.  Amen.

Okies.  Now to get to chores, in the hopes of being out in a bit of sun, even just for moments.  It's only 42 out there, even so.  But, I can handle that, 32 wasn't beyond me.  I've gotten used to the cool, again.  Leaving one window open, upstairs, keeps it in the high 50's up there.  Two windows dropped it into the low 50's, which I didn't prefer.  So... yeah.  Anyway.  Best get to it.  Later.

Death? Life?

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A game?

I don't know that I buy it.  But, I don't know that I don't.  I have beaten Dark Souls I and II.  I didn't play III.  And, the game I am now playing is, pretty much, the next Dark Souls.  As well, I beat the first game, these were roughly based upon.  As well, I am... still... alive?

Barely staying awake.

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Tired, sleepy too.  Hungry though.  I'd like to figure out eating something, then maybe going on back to bed.

While looking around, I thought about bikes.  Motorcycles.  While looking over some of those, I ran into something else, maxiscooters?  Scooters with 400 to 750 cc's.  Interesting.  For the larger ones, you still have to get a motorcycle license.  For the smaller ones, you don't.  Or... that may depend on which state you live in?  Interesting sorts of bikes though.  With my size, I'm not sure if even the bigger ones would do.  Who knows.  And they are as expensive as a smaller car, with only a year warrantee.

I looked over a few videos, and comparisons.  But the prices...  I suppose there is used, but, with only a year guarantee, I... just don't think so.  One of the problems with bikes, of any sort, compared to cars.  No, not electrics.  I wouldn't even think about an electric vehicle, automobile or bike.  Problems, start to stop.

I would only consider buying such if I somehow figured out how to sell the house for enough to get on out.  The thing is, rent, in most places, is more than my mortgage.  Good, bad, ugly, there may be no better place to go.  And, Ecuador, the place I had been thinking of, requires the jab.  So... no.  They are still rather masked up, down there, as well.  The Philippines, most nations actually, are rather difficult regarding that matter.  There isn't a place to go, it seems.  A few states, in America, didn't lose their complete and ever-loving mind over... the flu.

On the good side, better to realize there is no safer place, for important things, than where you live.  Home may not be perfect, but... it's not completely lunatic and statist.  Funny thing, Ecuador's supreme court ruled that the things being done are unconstitutional... and, yet, nothing has changed.  America is going that way, it just hasn't, quite yet, become dictatorial in ignoring state and personal rights, or completely.  Yet.  Not that this place is perfectly safe.  If they decided something, here, they will push it through and right over people, even here.  The SSD thing, I think, was them.  Payback for things I have said, and other matters.  Trump thought he'd help me, by getting it sent to Chicago.  But liberals hate me more than the locals, or the Mexican locals who run ssa in Utah.  There was no way out of that.

The world is getting tight, small, dark, and evil.  America is becoming just like China and Russia.  Secular.  The thing about Russia?  They are a dying people.  Even worse than the US, I think.  As is China.  Though, how many children born in the US are actually American?  Fewer and fewer.  I suppose, if they actually end abortion, it is only because they think we have hit a tipping point, were foreign babies will take over.  America has been stolen, as it was in the first place, I guess.  No one seems to care.  Do they even remember?

Filling water jugs for the week.  Took medicine.  Tried to game, too sleepy.  May try in a bit, again.  So tired.  Oh... need to check the post.  A package, it seems, is in?  I'll... get to it.  Later.

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I did get to the post.  Holy crap, it's 32 out there.  May 8th, and 32 F?  It took me a bit by surprise.  Sure, it's 23:52, but... that's cold.  Frigid, for this time of year.

Oh... got some sort of letter.  Seemed like they were going to be ask me to pay something, for something.  I wondered if they were going to try to make me pay for deciding against the loan.  Was about to raise holy heck.  Nope.  Partial payback for the years they charged me for paying over the phone.  I was charged $10 a time, every time, still am I think.  Got less than $40?  I guess too busy paying lawyers to actually pay us back.  No wonder no one trusts .gov, the courts, or anyone/thing else.  At least I won't have one more thing to fight.

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Well, not exactly maxiscooters, but...

I like the BMW best, if I'd probably go for the 750 rather than the g310.  If... affordability becomes an issue, again.  Bleh.  Though, the last bike isn't bad either, if affordability again becomes a slight issue.

Up, if so very roughly.

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Down late, but that isn't all of it.  Medicine, and weather, and everything, conspires successfully.  I am sore, everywhere.  Even a pinched nerve affecting my right arm.  Can't feel parts of that arm right to my two littlest fingers being numb.  Odd how things work.  Minor headache, still tight from the knife dream, hungry but not, thirsty as a devil.  Still not used to medicine.  It... takes a while.  Until that happens, every day is like a middling hangover, or worse.

And, I can't seem to drink enough.  Ah... lost track of insulin.  I'll... get back on that.  Gah!  Always something.  And... the sun... I haven't seen the sun in... a while.  It is 17:50 and only 40 degree out there?  Strange.  We seem to be getting rain, more often than I think is typical.  So, there is that.  And, yes, for here, now, that is a good thing.  I'll take the difficulty darkness brings for extra water.  We are seriously low.  I am hoping they won't just dump this too.  No, I don't trust them.  California money and D.C. politics have very serious reach and influence.  Then again, enough that people die or get replaced, one way or another, if they get in the way.  Sodom will not be deprived of other people's water.

Breakfast is brewing.  I don't have any more meat thawed.  Will have to see what is in there, and pull some things out.  A roast, chops, burger and/or ground pork, chicken?  I need to get to the store, for fresh veggies to go with it.  The cabbages I bought previously are... too dated, I think.  I'll check, but... they... seem... rough.  May not have a choice though, haven't been able to get out!  Stuck, here, harshly held down by meds and weather and ill health and all.  Barely getting chores and such.  Sassy is being tended pretty well, mostly.

Will... keep trying.  Like a dog, gone overboard in heavy seas, I'll stay up and trying as long as possible.  Odd, how when I sleep, I always have ended back up on shore.  I know I can die, but...  I still, really wonder, sometimes, if this is purgatory.  Can't... die.  What I see, feel, sense, and understand is... not the whole truth of it.  I can't say this is purgatory.  Pretty sure it isn't hell, not sure it is earth, positive, actually it is neither heaven nor hell.  Just... not... quite sure if it is earth or purgatory.  Though... you should understand?  If I am in purgatory, regardless of what you believe, and you are reading this?  You are in purgatory too.  Amen.

Some things.

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I was worried about the rabbits.  So, I pushed and got chores done, earlier in the evening.  Still plenty of light out.  All of them had quite a bit of food.  And some of them still had water.  Some had a lot of water.  Not sure how that happens.  And I check, to make sure the waterers work. They do.  Not... sure why some drink so little.

I also cooked burger, and added keto rice and cream of mushroom sauce, with some cream.  It was pretty good.  If not as filling as I had hoped.  More hamburger, already cooked, remains.  I'll probably add something to that, heat it all up, and have one last meal before bedtime.

Sassy has been tended, well, today.  Sometimes she chats with me, sometimes she lets me know it's meal time.  Sometimes she rests near me, sometimes she goes and finds a place which is quieter.  I sure enjoy her company.  As mentioned, even when I hollower at the game, I make sure she knows it's not her.  I only startle her, if she was deeper in sleep.  Otherwise, when I raise a ruckus, she just... notices.  I have heard her sigh, or groan, about it.  *grins*  She puts up with me rather well, to be honest.  I try to make sure she knows I appreciate her kindness.

I almost got to bed early, very early.  Then I just... lost... track of the idea that I was about to go to bed.  It's 07:10, way late, and much later than I wanted to be in bed.  Ugh.  I'll... keep trying to spin days and nights back around.  

Had a day dream, again.  This time I died.  Nothing fancy, nothing horrifying, just... I fell asleep to death.  I was just thinking over life as body and mind were parting.  Pretty women I have known, seen.  Friends and enemies I have enjoyed.  The pains and joys of life.  Just a little breather, before the next part of the journey.  It was an easy thing.  Saddened, a bit.  And, yet, grateful to begin the next part of my journey.  I then said a quiet little prayer, and began casting about as to where to go or what to do next.  Death is no stranger to me.  This seemed... so real.  It was a rather quiet, slightly pleasant, dream.  I... just... I think I still have things here to do.  And I will do them, as I may.  Amen.

Good... goodnight, good morning, good day.  God be with you in your walk.  If you happen to make it to church, tell God I say hello.  Oh, I say hello to Him all the time, just... I like to send messages through other folk.  He... appreciates that for a dozen and one reasons.  Like notes, in school, me and various pals and gal friends used to pass.  Little joys.  So, if you would, tell Him hello, from me.  He'll... know what all it's about.  And appreciate your efforts.