So very cold.

.
.
My legs and feet are logs.  I have tried single layers of socks, and double.  I am back to cotton under wool.  I tried the furnace up to 78°.  There is no difference, functionally between 72°  and 78°, if I begin otherwise overheating at 74°.  I have tried 66° to 70° as well, just... thinking outside the box.  Reverse psychology, or biology or physiology, doesn't work.

Worse?  If I over exert, even if I set blankets right, I can't warm at night.  That hurts while asleep.  As well, when I can wake, I am still tired.  I have no idea how long or often I have been sleeping, only that it is increasing.  Twelve to sixteen down, with two to four hour naps, all wrapped in a day and a half to two day cycle, all becoming as one day.

I have no clear perception of life.  I did make a fantastic pork roast the other day.  That and fatted drinks have been food.  Blood sugar is going up, but I ate out, poorly, the last two times I went out.  I may attempt fasting for a few days.  If I can.  Without focus I find food in front of me, going down, before I realize, remember, the plan.

I am going to get trash going, and do small batches of dishes and laundry, once I can gain function.  Today?  Tomorrow?  Next week sometime?  When I can.

Poor but longer sleep.

.
.
It wasn't just poor sleep.  Noises kept waking me.  Someone or something was making pounding sounds.  A tom attempting courting rituals?  One of the girls flirting?  A neighbor kid being a hooligan?  Or someone legitimately trying to wake me.  I have no idea.  I didn't wake enough to even check the time.  Nor did the sound wake me.

I was waken, suddenly, three more times, if I never knew what woke me afterwards.  That really hurts sleep quality.  It wasn't a slow gentle nearing to wakefulness.  I don't mind those.  These were nearly instant, full, bolt up, awakenings.  How could it be both instant and take a while?  Well, when I heard the sound isn't when I reacted to it.  It is like the sound reverberated through sleep and time before eventually dredging me to wakefulness.  To be honest, I think that is what happened each time.

It was a rough night.  I woke tired and hurting.  My heart is more tired than usual.  My kidneys have been complaining, now they are whining like poorly tuned violins.  I am still tired.  I feel unwell in general.  I can't tell, but I think it is a bit of everything.  With things mostly sorted, and sort of able to have access and mobility, how I feel isn't quite as important.  Either I can shower and go or not.  There are no groups of things, or really groups of groups of things, in the way.

I was going to call the V.A. to check on insulins.  I found they had called me.  To check the address, always do for cold packages.  I called them back as soon as reasonable.  We went through all, only to find... my doctor had cancelled all of my meds.  This I knew.  But then I watched him refill everything, for a year, and send that through.  Their system must be a mess, or some are flagged for harassment.  I am told to check next Wednesday or Thursday.

I also was given a query.  Deep or standard impact sockets?  I'll tell what I advised.  I would prefer deep.  However, I would start with standard.  Deep won't work on the majority of tasks.  If you buy deep, buy both.  Otherwise buy standard.  I should have added not to buy deep unless you have jobs for which you will regularly need them.  The specialty tools will just, eventually, go missing.

All that for just a nap?

.
.
I finished and posted just shy of 16:00, four pm... twelve plus four, for those who are adverse to simple math, or sixteen minus twelve the other way.  *shakes head*  It isn't fancy, or even .mil.  It is a simpler, more specific, means of telling time and time of day for anyone whose schedule, often explosively, changes.  When it can be dark enough to pass for night or day more of the day than not, it helps.

Anyway.  Down at between 16:00 and 18:00, up at 20:30 (18 - 12 = 6 (pm), 12 + 8:30 = 20:30 (hundred hours)).  I was so very tired.  I thought I would be down until morning.  When I woke I felt rested.  I expected it to be morning, or close enough.  I, when I found and observed the alarm clock, wanted to return to sleep.  There was no returning.

I turned the furnace up.  While I can't seem to keep my feet and legs warm, putting socks on and upping the furnace keeps the skin from getting thin, dry, creating sores.  Life is higher maintenance.  Everything has to be consciously tended, and that isn't always possible.  Still, I do what I can when I remember and am able.

If I can do a few things tonight, I will.  A batch of dishes, trash collection, even just some of it, very small batches.  Medicines arrived.  For now staying on them.  Will reset the medicine sets.  I purchased two more recently.  That will keep me in pills for a month and a half.  I won't near running out, if I can keep up.  It gets tricky without enough depth and such deep psychic fog sometimes.  I will call to check on insulin this morning.  If I can stay awake, or get a nap in.

I haven't been to town, on my own, since my last doctor visit?  Or close.  It was good, if rather harsh under the circumstances.  I'd like to get out again, soon.  Need groceries.  Could look for a new coffee pot.  I need powdered onion.  Yeah.  Plus, just to shower, shave, dress properly... all good.  Wearing jeans after wearing pj's for months is a bit rough.  But... so be it.

Impressed.

.
.
I made it.  I had an appointment this morning.  Sleep is off, and with the effort yesterday, I... didn't think so.  I was only able to sleep at nearly two, or was it three.  Very tired but was jacked from all the excitement.  Oh, right, I didn't post about that yet?  I'll get to it... soon.

I tried to be up by five, but seven as a true hail Mary.  I... had my doubts.  But I did make it.  Up, showered, with fresh clothes on, and out by eight.  I was hoping the roads were good.  Good?  They were actually great.  Plus, no tourist, of any sort, drivers.  The only peeps out were there because they had to be.  I was there easily an hour early while that lead is usually lean.

A new doc.  He didn't really care about anything but setting up scripts and readings.  I realize I am just a money dump, through meds, for the hospital.  They have no interest in helping me get on my feet or finding the problem.  Which... I have realized a few things.  It is time.

It is time to shit or get off the pot.  On my next visit I am going to give them a choice.  Either they can look for a physical problem or, if this is as good as it gets, I stop taking medicine.  At this point it is keeping me alive, but just.  I am almost always in pain, can't care for my home or food well, or work, or even play.

Some might say stopping medicine is suicide.  I don't believe that.  As a Catholic, and devoted, suicide is not allowed.  However, ending extenuated lifesaving actions, allowing natural events to follow their course, after legitimate effort and sacrifice, is allowed.  I think thirty years is a fair offering.  If this is as good as they can do, it's not enough.

I had hoped to do a few things on the way home but I am absolutely exhausted, in pain, and shutting down.  I am only writing this as I have to come down before I can crash.  I'll feed the critters next, then sleep as long or short as needed.  Life isn't fair, but absolute cruelty is too much.  I probably won't even die all that quickly.  But I won't have to deal with hateful medical.  I can die in peace.

Some of it.

.
.
I wasn't sure.  Things to do.  Didn't seem possible.  Stuck.  Still, got out there last night.  Got started.  The old battery won't do, definitely not in the winter.  Cold cranking amps.  Though probably not in warm weather.  It drops to 90% overnight, then keeps losing.  But the new battery works.  The choke cord needs to be adjusted though.

As I was getting to it, help arrived.  Got to town as well, with help.  The debit card is set, the phone is set back up, and the driveway is clear.  There was six to eight inches on it, at least, from several snows past.  I wouldn't have been able to drive out, as thought before.  Good thing I got to it.  A stuck car would have been another problem.

Meds are on course.  A shower this morning.  Fresh clothes, they will get heated as I shower.  The cats and ducks need fed on my way to waking.  Best get going.  Later.

Not improving.

.
.
Taking little steps back.  Adding a headache to the list.  A twist in the neck too.  Perhaps the cause?  Medicine is staying on track.  One more small increase and it will be to full dose.  I still feel as if I had died, and was still in some odd purgatory or limbo.  I believe I have seen that, but before flesh.  I can only guess what living there after receiving a body would be like.  But... it would be a perfected body.  However, a perfected body outside the perfection of heaven?

So foggy, confused, tired, achy, and sore.

I baked chicken last night.  I tried a new trick, using baking soda along with my usual spices, as a coating.  Your mileage may vary, but for me no dice.  It made the skin, as it cooled, inedible.  I think I overcooked it a bit.  But that is a common infraction for me.  At least a hot meal was enjoyed, generally.

I have the old battery in the lawn tractor, ready to go.  If it fails, I will put the new one in.  The goal is to dig out today.  More snow recently.  Adding to a small amount that was down.  Still, rather powdery.  I had meant to just shovel through, but couldn't get far.  I don't think that is the cause of the problems, just a result of them.  It was best to shovel open the small first area anyway.

I forgot to turn the furnace down last night.  It does feel good, if a bit too warm at 72°F.  Can't win, sometimes.  Yesterday was the best day in a long time for not freezing.  I actually do wonder if whatever health issues I have don't induce something closer to hibernation, in the high winter and high summer.  All I get is a bit of spring and fall.  It's just how it goes.

Blood sugar was 182 fasting this morning.  It seems keto won't work, always, if undereating while being inactive.

Waking was difficult.

.
.
It wasn't remaining exhaustion.  Actually that is slipping away.  The mind is still foggy... medicine does that.  It isn't exhaustion, two different problems.  To a small degree, it was pain.  I knew my ribs, midsection/organs, and legs would hurt.  And they do.  But the worst part of waking lately is the cold.

I am cold.

The furnace is set at 72°F.  I tried 74°, 76°, even 78°.  All feel about the same.  My legs hurt because of the perceived cold, actually.  I can't warm up.  Blood sugar broke above 200 for the first time since being off insulin.  But it shouldn't have.  I have been doing extreme keto.  I'm not sure what the problems are.

More snow.  I checked the old battery.  Better.  I may use it, see if it will hold.  If not, I may attempt a second salvage charge.  It is near it's life use, and yet, sometimes they last longer.  I hate wasting.  I will be the only one using it from now on.  And I am locking down the cave fully, since trust can't be had.  Bleh.

Best get to the ducks, then try to get the plow going.  It is around 28° out there but seems so much colder.  High humidity?  Dunno.  Hmm, I need to wake first.

Some have it worse?

.
.
I had to think about it.  This guy was at least receiving care.  But that he needed it, right?  I sometimes could really use some help while there is none.  No one says, to my face, they wish I would die.  But they think it.  Family, friends... medical.  I understand.  Going through it?  At least with him, they don't disbelieve his illness, as they do with me.

Worse?  It depends on which part of the story.  His got better.

Well, I understand as few can.  I think, pray, work rarely as able, alone but used to it.  At least there isn't the Barney thing.  And feeding can be easier for me, unless I can't clean, cook, so eat when terribly hungry.  Someone may harm and steal from me when I am unconscious, but I don't know about it.  Though, perhaps, I don't roll well enough, always, either.  I... just don't know.  Probably have had both.

Yes.  It is a dark dangerous mean world for the living dead.  I almost wish they would carry through on their thoughts.  I can't.  I made a deal with God.  I couldn't even just let them.  It's just that, quite often, I couldn't stop them.  Wouldn't even wake if they were using an axe.  Yea.

So cold and difficult.

.
.
I should correct.  The weather isn't cold.  Well, not for me.  It isn't a weather issue.  I have the furnace up to 76° F, and I am freezing... feel cold.  I am warm, at night, with the room temps between 50° and 56°.  But once I wake, I can't just sleep more.  Laying down hurts, if awake.  It might hurt while sleeping too, just not enough to wake me.  And I dress as if for outside.  I can't really dress warmer.

I may try for a nap in a bit.  But I need to get to work, have things to prepare to do, work, and chores.  I have to get going.  A shower and shave would be good.  One battery for the little plow/lawnmower seems good.  I am attempting to revive the other battery.  I may see about starting the plow tonight.  I need to open the driveway.

I noticed a funny.  A cat had pathed by my home.  Most likely, by size of tracks, a tom.  As he got near the window along the length of the drive, he made a cat angel in the snow.  It's an odd thing, but... I am quite sure he was interacting with the ladies.  I wondered why Sam was yeowling.  Her food is good, water is fresh, litter is excellent... but, yes, she likes flirting with her toms.

As well, in the back yard, I had a dog through.  It's the first dog I have seen in a while, dog tracks that is.  And, yes, he went in to look at the ducks.  He pathed through once and was gone.  He came after the cat, which pathed that way but not for the ducks and in the opposite direction.  Sam and the toms leave pheromone Valentines out back.  The toms know where to get some eyecandy, too.

I am pretty sure that means the dog was there this morning.  By Sam's howling, I'd guess the tom was by between three and five.  I just get a sense the dog was through well after the cat.  If it comes back I'll have to discourage it somehow.  Sassy lets me know when people are here, if I notice.  Wish she would let me know of other critters.

Rough.

.
.
My left side hurts, like after sprints from the first week of football or basketball season.  Only as if I got a week off.  It's been that way for nearly a week.  I don't get it.  I am very tired too.  That might just be medicine.  I have been taking heart medicine quite well for some time, but am still a 3.125 mg pill from full dose.  I'll go up the final pill next week.  Ugh.  I don't think I have missed a dose since restarting?  But I am off insulin.  I am out.  I have reordered.  It will be two to four weeks after max meds before I can have a chance at not being perpetually exhausted.  But it is coming.

From exhaustion to being oddly frigid all the time, I suspect the heart medicine combined with the lack of insulin.  The side tearing/burning?  I don't know.  If I can be awake, push through otherwise, I will try to work anyway.  Not sure that is possible.  A goal though.

Beside those problems, there are local issues and money issues.  I am going to have to return the car.  I simply can't afford it.  I bought it thinking SSA was sure to return my income when made aware of their mistake.  Or that the V.A. could, would, help.  Nope.  That income is gone.  Probably politics, but it doesn't matter why.

That will allow me to catch up, but not keep up.  So... other... considerations...  Things I don't want to contemplate are right there in front of me.  Whether I can sort the house out, then hold on long enough to sell it, or whether I'll just have to walk away, I don't know.

Trying to sleep, eat, think... too much.  At some times in life, no matter who you know, with family... you are completely alone in things.  I will be looking at the best way to do things.  A call, then drop the vehicle off?  A letter?  A legal type writ?  It's gotten ugly.  Could get worse quickly, easily.

It looks like at least one of the lawn tractor batteries is dead.  Will check the other shortly.  I may try reconditioning the dead one, but it dropped 30% charge overnight.  Bleh.  Always something else.  At least this wasn't my doing, other than to wrongly trust.

More than a bit angry.

.
.
Again, I found a key in the lawn tractor ignition and the battery dead.  I went to plow the snow out there.  Obviously not possible.  As well, I had three keys.  I am down to one.  Meaning one was removed from my personal keys.  That is that.  It is no longer available for use.  Abuse a trust you get what you get.

I should be in bed.  But without thinking about it, I stretched into the late checking charging.  I had hoped to get the battery filled and back in.  It just got too late.  Beyond a certain hour, rather early around here, loud noises are out, generally.  I needed to get to town.

Oh well.  It's almost three.  Time to hit it.  The battery is charged.  But I haven't put it back in.  Bedtime.  Yea, angry.

Today is the day!

.
.
However...

When I went to set privacy, I had options I didn't realize.  Four folk were given access last time.  That is already set up.  Further, I think I could add access to any others.  It seems straightforward.  If you want access, or on a different email, let me know.  -  I will keep open one more week to get that done.

The addies I have are foamarama, mindfists22, setebos1956, and james, mostly at g mail, save Desert Cat's on a private.  I will allow those and any other who request, save edu, gov, or such.  I will allow .mil but wouldn't advise using that one... unless you are in or of psyops and can talk mice out of cheese, without a trap.  :p

I will not blog about local events, just my hermitage events.  Until closure is asserted.

Music?  Maybe.