Impressed.

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I made it.  I had an appointment this morning.  Sleep is off, and with the effort yesterday, I... didn't think so.  I was only able to sleep at nearly two, or was it three.  Very tired but was jacked from all the excitement.  Oh, right, I didn't post about that yet?  I'll get to it... soon.

I tried to be up by five, but seven as a true hail Mary.  I... had my doubts.  But I did make it.  Up, showered, with fresh clothes on, and out by eight.  I was hoping the roads were good.  Good?  They were actually great.  Plus, no tourist, of any sort, drivers.  The only peeps out were there because they had to be.  I was there easily an hour early while that lead is usually lean.

A new doc.  He didn't really care about anything but setting up scripts and readings.  I realize I am just a money dump, through meds, for the hospital.  They have no interest in helping me get on my feet or finding the problem.  Which... I have realized a few things.  It is time.

It is time to shit or get off the pot.  On my next visit I am going to give them a choice.  Either they can look for a physical problem or, if this is as good as it gets, I stop taking medicine.  At this point it is keeping me alive, but just.  I am almost always in pain, can't care for my home or food well, or work, or even play.

Some might say stopping medicine is suicide.  I don't believe that.  As a Catholic, and devoted, suicide is not allowed.  However, ending extenuated lifesaving actions, allowing natural events to follow their course, after legitimate effort and sacrifice, is allowed.  I think thirty years is a fair offering.  If this is as good as they can do, it's not enough.

I had hoped to do a few things on the way home but I am absolutely exhausted, in pain, and shutting down.  I am only writing this as I have to come down before I can crash.  I'll feed the critters next, then sleep as long or short as needed.  Life isn't fair, but absolute cruelty is too much.  I probably won't even die all that quickly.  But I won't have to deal with hateful medical.  I can die in peace.