A few starts.

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I was getting nowhere fast.  Lack of food?  Too cool, cold?  I turned the furnace up then started rummaging for something to eat.  Nubs on real food, but there was popcorn.  Not the bag stuff.  Real popping popcorn and real butter.  Not perfectly keto, but it is what was available.  Oh, I created a powder mix of salt, onion, and garlic... keeps the salt use lower.

One batch usually doesn't budge blood sugar, however two does and did.  It didn't raise it, more that insulin didn't lower it as much as expected.  I have hamburger out, thawing.  But that will take until tomorrow.  I do use the microwave for some things... thawing meat is not among them.  More than softening fats or warming leftover meats isn't acceptable.  I should get rid of the dangerous thing.  I am too old and it too convenient.  Or, for now.

Between batches, I got laundry rounded up and going.  The first smaller load is drying. I had it on low, am trying it on that again.  It may truly need a higher setting.  If it is terribly cold, or the wind is from an odd direction, it just takes more heat.  The second load is ready to dry.  That will be that for laundry.  I neither have a full other load nor an interest in seeking more for said.

After the second popcorn round, the cave had warmed.  So I started in the bathroom.  It has been mostly cleared and swept.  I want a shower next?  Or last?  Then to mop the floor.  A headache is coming on.  I collected most trash, and cleared the cat litter.  If I do more than shower, clean the toilet, and shower, it may be to just collect the last bits and get that out, then set up dishes.

If...  Not sure I will get the first part.  Later or good night.

Saturday?

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Good.  Sleep is so off, and my attempts to correct it so intense, that which day it was got lost in the shuffle.  I haven't been able to keep up on almost anything.  Pain hasn't been helping.  I have cut aspirin.  It still hurts, a lot, but within... bearing levels most of the time.  I was beginning to worry about how much aspirin was going in.  At 2k mg's, three times a day, for... what day was it?  Two days off.  I ended up not taking it the last time I wrote about it.

The ducks, cats including cat litter, insulin, and light eating, have been managed.  All else has failed.  I will set up medicine today, collect garbage and get it out, get a shower, and pay a few bills?  Today, if possible.  Then set dishes up.  That is the plan.  I need to turn the furnace up, warm up, and wake better first.

I am hoping I am seeing a way through.  No promises.  It isn't really even a sense of things, just a blind plot.  I hope to get dishes, laundry, the bathroom, and storage set up in the next few days.  As well, a few light sources upstairs.  Well, and maybe, some organization.  Possible.  Unlikely.  Will see.  Later.

Oh, right, dreams.

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Very odd dreams.  Pleasing, mostly, if not easily.
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In the first one I died.  I don't remember how, and at that point it really didn't matter.  Death, from an earthly perspective, is anything from a joy to some foolish enemies... at least my enemies, to a sadness for those rare family and friends who know I still exist and have some small feelings for me.  Well, and depending how easy or hard the death, perhaps a cause for fear for those with little or no faith.

But I was comfortable with all.  There were some number of us new arrivals.  It was, if not literally, something like the locker room to heaven.  We were gearing up to take the field.  Instead of changing clothes and putting on gear, we were being stripped of what sinfulness remained.  I... know... but even so I was surprised how much remained!  Sinful, terribly, even now?  I... believe the dream, if sadly.

The sins were being removed, leaving as shadows.  A darkness from within which would darken me, as an inverse spotlight as it left, getting larger and lightening to a degree, then moving off me as it's center, then escaping away.  Sin after sin until nothing but light remained.  Then I became as a spotlight, but from inside to outside.  I became the source of light.

Neither the best nor worst.

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It was difficult to get to bed.  No good reason for the difficulty.  It just was.  Some pain began getting through aspirin, or aspirin had finished it's cycle.  That motivated the impetus to sleep.  Sometimes I can dodge pain if I can sleep before severity rises.  Although, with certain headaches, unless I treat before sleep, they will be there waiting when I wake.  That wasn't the problem, and I try to limit aspirin, so I finally got to bed.

Sleep was hit and miss.  The feet and legs, either burning or freezing, no middle ground.  Every few hours I was having to kick them out or wrap them.  I suspect Halloween candy is still costing my body.  Bah!  As well, kidneys were hurting.  And something along the length of the neck.  Glands, some sort of infected drainage, or a pulled muscle from using the neck to rise when the muscles are cold, or depending on them too much by themselves.  All those feel about the same, and I have had each... I suspect.

All in all, I did get some okay sleep, I just had to work it... and sleep a bit long.  I let the alarms go through their stages.  A torturous thing to not be able to wake.  I really pushed, inside my flesh.  Buried in a beast that can't rouse is not fun.  At least I can get it to move.  I remember waking inside when I couldn't get the eyes to open, a finger to move, buried alive doesn't quite cover that.

I am up.  Dressed too.  I created a dressing station upstairs.  It's pretty cool, which offers incentive to move quickly.  Well, as quickly as an old cave bear can.  Probably no better or worse than any other, ONCE I can crawl out.  This "morning" is a little tight.  Innards feel like I've just gone through midsection sparring or a minor match, neck is still problematic, muscles are tired, but it is all on the more minor scales.  It's the volume of complaints which have me a bit pinned.  Aspirin?  I've had so much lately.  Meh... probably.

Ducks then the girls.  Later.

A good Halloween.

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I enjoy the twerps.  The outfits are fun.  Some don't bother.  Teens you know.  Too cool for even don a mask, not too cool to beg for candy.  Been there, done that.  A good neighborhood though.  And to see a few older young women taking children around is good.  In some places giving is a treat, like here.  Full size candy bars go over well.

I was so afraid I was going to be short, I bought more.  It took days to be well enough to get out.  Got cat litter too, which I wish to use tonight.  Way too much candy, but I know a few older lads who no longer trick or treat.  Of course I will expect them to share.

I truly enjoy when it works.  When I am ready, set up, able.  I wish I could offer them something better.  But that is not how it works.  And it is once a year.  I wonder how many realize the social good, from this, in good neighborhoods.  They get to see older different folk aren't too horrible, and we get to buy them off too serious of troubles.  :p  I enjoy seeing what they might dress as.  Super hero, clown, magician, princess... can't always tell.

My size throws them.  Some find it difficult to approach, but two massive bowls of full size candy bars has their fear melt right away.  I also let the parent or adult have a bar.  Lord knows, they deserve it.  Must be quite a chore attempting to herd excited children.  Oh, it is a treat.  If possible I will always have more than needed.  Perhaps handing two out from the start.  Later, or good night.

Up and going.

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Bedtime was very late.  I kept awake hoping to set medicine up.  Never happened.  Couldn't... remember... focus...  I stayed awake until three, trying to figure a way to function.  As I fell deeper into pain, I gave up and ran away.  Sleep was a bit difficult.  I couldn't warm well.  Too tired.  Are you beginning to see the problems?  Circular, but with no way out, not always.

Blood sugar was really high.  So I dosed, and again, then more.  Which is also part of why I was awake so late.  At least that part was tended.  Blood sugar was 176 fasting.  Not superior, but better than the odd way it was running recently.  I am really wondering if they are adding sugar to meat somehow now?  Then again, if I fall afoul of right eating, blood sugar can really go off the rails, in odd ways, for days.

A bite, fatted coffee, and a dose.  I'll check in an hour.  I need to check on the ducks, the girls are fed and watered.  Baby, it is cold out there though.  A shower too, first.  Ugh.  Yes, snow remains.  And it is Halloween!  I have Halloween gold, which was my falling, foodwise.  Gnom!  It had been so long.  Candy bars might be among the lowest grade of sweets, but... it works.

Feeling better.  Even ocassional spasms have mostly gone.  A bit worn.  And I know pain could return.  The sweats have passed but some heat from resisting pain remains... a soft, actually comforting, glow.  Resisting, enduring, a bit of both?  Better.  I did gobble aspirin for the last... while.  I'll have a dose, just to ensure I can do a few things.  Later.

When it all goes wrong?

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When flesh, mind, or spirit become tortured, I see.  Not the little ways.  It is when death approaches, or I approach it, in one form or way or yet another means.  I used to think it was drink which allowed sight.  I realize now that I merely drank to medicate the pain.  Since sight came anyway, I am assuming alcohol didn't actually manage the pain.  I am just realizing things, putting them together.

The things I see...  It could be hallucinogenic suffering.  I have seen people's deaths.  Not all were listed or explained.  I have seen other things that have come to pass, recently noting Israel's bombings in Iraq, before they admitted.  While the Queen yet lives, there... is more to that than would seem.  Powers have put great effort into her continued life.  For good or ill... it's not for me to know.  Past due, by years now.  Still...

As the suffering returns, so too other things.

Better.

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Several handfuls of aspirin through the last few days and my body has stopped screaming at me with it's pain.  I had a bite to eat.  Oh, but lost track of medicine.  Cats and ducks were managed.  I'll reset medicine.  I have been off with... everything.  When the body hurts as it was, focus is difficult.  Impossible.  As trying to speak in a hurricane.

I am planning on going back to bed shortly.  No more real food, but a fatted tea and insulin.  I suppose I could stay awake for several hours to test blood sugar, then take night insulin.  Well, and set up heart medicine.  The reasons it wasn't taken was because I hurt so badly and ran out during that time.  I couldn't focus to refill.  So tired now, but... yeah, I can do it now.

Someone sure knew where to dig.  While reviewing I realized something.  If my body is in nearly paralyzing pain, it seems emotional pain has no effect.  I am strongly suspicious that the reverse is true as well.  I suppose one could overtake the other, if there was enough.  Would rather not find out, or again.  I have probably found out many times before, just don't, thankfully, remember.  The thing about some improvements is that memory improves.  Not always a good thing.

It looks like it has snowed more.  I don't have the plow on.  A bit stuck.  If I can get to bed early tonight, there is a chance at function tomorrow.  While pain has either diminished or is fading, flu-like symptoms are showing.  It's not a lucky time.  Luck though?  Meh.  I obviously don't have such a thing if there is such a thing.  Later.

So very difficult.

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When life, just existing, becomes a torture, I am left wondering, doubting, questioning my resolve and the reasons for those sentiments.  Oddly, when I turn and reevaluate, the resolve is reasserted so swiftly I... am almost confused.  I see my faith is so far superior to my doubts that... life is... just is, and I will abide it, through terrible pain.

I won't tell you I understand.  On a purely logical, even physical, simple, basis, suicide would be considered reasonable.  I have many family who would support suicide, encourage it.  If not all for right reasons even within that wrong headedness.  I am almost certain, if some of my medical thought they could get away with it, they would kill me, without letting me know.  At least the ones who realize something is wrong, probably something that can't be fixed.

If I think most of the nonbelievers know, they just don't think vets, or me personally, deserve disability.  I do wonder how many modern doctors are being taught genocide, for the good of the planet, expediency, mercy, or simple economy?  Doctors, nurses, specialists.  If an easy diagnosis and solution can't be found?  Pretty soon I do expect medical genocide.

It is quite difficult.  Between confusion, exhaustion, and pain, of late, I can find no peace, or sleep.  With winter arriving so early, and various struggles beyond, it is difficult to sort through things.  On the good side, I do believe in the gift of life and God's will well beyond my simple creature comforts.  That may be the depth of my witness.  May it be enough.  Good night.

When I am, was, will be young.

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If I remember the future as well as the past, well outside my current days...

Snow!

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And it has started snowing again.  It was in the low twenties, F, out there.  So much for raking.  The sun had been out when the ducks were let out.  Blindingly bright.  I am surprised by the snow, in one sense.  I think this is one of, if not the earliest snows I recall since my time here.  And, yet, as cold and wet as it has been, the surprise is that it hasn't already snowed.  Some surprises are... three edged swords, with two opposing blades to boot.

Aye, I have held such a weapon, and heard of more terrible weapons still.  Not sure all, even the one I gripped and swung, are actually swords.  Though if the master of such a weapon insisted on saying such, I would be reluctant to war over a slight distinction.  Probably.

A shower next, if possible.  Then laundry.  Later.

When?

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I have no idea when I went to bed.  Midnight, or half after, if I had to say.  I woke at 13:00, if it took an half hour to get downstairs.  Oh, as to closing the windows upstairs?  It didn't help.  Or it got much colder.  Now the cubbyhole I sleep in, at floor level, gets up to 57°, or did this first night.  But the room, at three feet up, was 52°.  Yesterday morning, or before tending the ac's and shutting the windows, both readings were 54° F.  When I went up to bed, both read 50°.  Generally good enough.  I may open the vent, possibly run a fan, just to see if it can be made warmer.  Not sure I want it warmer.

I have been able to cuddle in, staying plenty warm.  The cap helps.  As well, a neck gaitor.  Both of which are usually taken off some time during the night, then the cap goes back on for the waking process.  I am keeping it 68° downstairs, but put it up to 70° or 72°, depending on feel, in the hopes of getting a shower quickly.  Then, win or lose, I kick it back to 66° unless cold is creeping in via wind or wet.  Then I will keep it at 68°.

A shower, then laundry starting easy with whites.  Then the ducks.  Hmm... may let them out first, then laundry, then a shower.  Yes, I like that path better.  Perhaps raking later.  Dishes at least set to a soak?  Another smaller load of laundry?  There will only be a few towels and washcloths in the first load.  First thing, ducks.  Later.

Some things.

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Nothing planned.  I kept thinking about raking.  I wanted to get out there.  The time ticked through the hours.  I turned the furnace up, then down.  After enough time gone, I changed my focus to a shower and laundry.  Perhaps that would get me going.  Never got to a shower.  Laundry waits as well.

Why?  I simply don't know.  I have eaten.  That was it.  I never really woke.  I couldn't think or get going.  At least the last SSA letter was clarified and the next step was taken.  Another call tomorrow, I hope.  So tired it hurts.  All over, in little ways.  Have you ever leaned into something which offers no give until you are completely spent?  Imagine if that something was your very own flesh within which you find yourself buried.

I do try.  There is tomorrow.  I fear I have more empty tomorrows than some of you will know of any kind.  The price must be paid.  In some ways I do it gladly.  But if there was a better, or more productive way?  I think, perhaps, my productivity is destructive.  This, perhaps, until that appointed hour, of your choosing if not knowing, is how it must be.

A curse, in the shorter term.  A grace in the eternal realm.  And Father's will, so mine.

Good night.

A nap and a call.

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I have been worried about SSA.  It's been a bit.  I couldn't tell what the letter meant, or how final what was suggested is.  But I have been so tired.  I had no choice but to nap first.  I can never be sure how long a nap will be, especially when stressful projects remain.  About two hours, as it turns out.  It was taken early enough to make the call.

An hour or two wait time to get through, on hold.  I can still continue the claim.  They will send more paperwork.  This time I will include everything.  Further, tomorrow, I will call the V.A. to attempt consults with every clinic which might be involved.  Definitely heart, endo, lung, internal medicine, and any they might recommend.  This is going to be as fun as pulling teeth without anesthesia.  But, if it has to be done best get to it.

I am going to check on the ducks as well as do some raking... unless it is raining, snowing, or windy.  If I can at least get one bag... two would be better.  No guarantees, save if conditions allow I will be out.  A fatted coffee first.  And a dose.  Night meds were just taken.  Ugh.  Later.

Nothing doing.

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The idea was there.  Work, chores, grooming.  And?  Nothing.  I didn't really eat, either. Two fatted drinks, mostly plain tea if not much of even that, and a salad slipped in at the end.  A quarter cup of cheese and ten mushroom slices was the bulk of it.  Couldn't have eaten anyway.

Medicine was taken.  I try to get morning medicine absolutely as early as my first drink of anything.  My night pills I try to take by early afternoon or I will forget.  Plus, that goal leaves a lot of time for a mistake, like yesterday actually?  Or the day before?  Late, but well before bedtime.  Memory stinks lately.  Which is why nothing got done yesterday.  It was part of it.  Dense psychic fog.

I don't think I took insulin last night.  So I didn't want to test blood sugar this morning. Habits are difficult to break.  Very glad I did.  At 124 definitely fasting, that is the best read in... many months, a year?  Definitely since back when I could fast.  An excellent surprise.

As well, if it took to the final snooze hit possible, the 6:00 alarm got me up.  It is down to 54° F upstairs now.  Pulling the ac's should help.  They aren't well sealed.  Though maybe it won't matter.  It is great for sleeping.  But getting into and out of bed can be a trick.  Well, and snuggling in, warming up, is a push.  But, when arranged, sleep is golden, without actually being a dead sleep.  I am going to try to regain the three to five waking time.  That will require sleeping earlier, and ballbreaking effort all around, plus naps.

It sure feels too early.  Such is life.  Now for a fatted coffee and an attempt to wake, do chores, and perhaps actual work.  Later.

Down and up late.

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When to bed?  Late is all I know.  Probably past midnight.  Well past.  Two, three?  Awake, a final time, just before noon.  I am not sure if slow acting insulin went in.  Then again I wasn't sure if I had taken last night's pill medicine.  After checking, that is affirmative, so there is a good chance insulin was had.  I best get to today's medicine.

I don't have anything thawed, so food will be... simple, light, and ugly today.  All good.  I am hoping to push it over, get out, and do some raking today.  Storing a bag or three.  If possible, perhaps setting up a bucket mouse trap out there, and bin hutches for them... three.  One big enough for all, plus two smaller ones, so they can have privacy, in case they want to pretend they are married.

I will start a load of laundry, try to get a shower, and perhaps set up dishes.  Too much?  Way too much.  If you must shoot at the moon, aim high.  But first, meds of all sorts, a fatted tea, and to finish waking.  Good day.  Oh, and if you haven't made it to church yet, but are going, remember me to the one I love.  *eyebrow action`*



`humor, not unfunny funny