Face Value.

In my long journey through time, people land, and life, I have seen many faces. Each has been owned by a man, woman, or child with their own foibles, truths, goodness, and more. Each face, save for a few twins I have known, has been unique to my eyes. In the hundreds, perhaps thousands of faces with which I have become intimate, I have always had a question. With each new face I behold, should I then go on to begin to know the owner, the question reasserts itself. That question is whether what comes from this face in the form of words, what they present as non-verbal communication, but further back their intent, is honest. Are they being genial to my face to laugh behind my back? Are they feigning false friendship for some gain, or simply because they do not know what else to do? Or, are they presenting what they are and what they feel? Pretty touchy feely for a monster, I know. Bear with me.

Throughout my walk here, I have explored various means of examining the intent behind the face. In the examination, I realized that the intent of the person had to be analyzed independently. Specifically, the person needed to be vetted as to their stability. If their intent at a moment was true yet their whole notion of things could spin on a dime, their intent was meaningless. Once this was all set, I began to look for methods of discerning intent and stability. There are methods to attain this knowledge. However, many of these methods are destructive to the acquaintanceship. Which left me wondering how to ensure who I was dealing with was leveling with me without pushing them away, or at least, pushing away the wrong ones.

Then it came to me. The friends I have are generally good people, to the best of my knowledge. There are family men, stray graduate or undergraduate bachelors, a unwed lady or two colors and delights my little life, and then there are family members, however close, convoluted in nature of relationship, or distant in relationship who grace my humble time here. As I reviewed things, I decided one of my best tools in deciding who to allow in was to base this decision on who they are, how they live, and what they do. This worked, and seemed good.

Yet, I kept digging. I suppose we all look for the silver bullets in life which will magically hit our stated target every time, even when we are off, having a bad day, or not really trying. There are no silver bullets, here. So I have changed my ways to some degree. I have decided to let the intent alone and accept what I receive from the faces I meet. If they secretly laugh, let them laugh. I hope it brings them joy and is done in a joyous manner, if not, they have a problem I cannot help them with by the nature of the problem. If they secretly hate, this is their sadness and emptiness, not mine. This has freed me from concerns which I cannot affect. It has allowed me to just enjoy a smile, share in a tear, or just enjoy the simply complex nature of those other creatures I call kindred. I think my Father is pleased. I think this is His will. In time, I think it will be the only way.

Making the grade.

I ended up with a B. I am not exactly sure how well I did on the test itself, though I would like to see it. I just called my professor to see if I could set up a time, near or far, to look at the test. As well, though I did not tell him in my message, I will be thanking him. He did a good deal of work arranging what material he wished to cover (within whatever parameters he was given). I believe he did most, certainly the questionable and difficult, problems he assigned as homework to ensure that they were in line with his class goals and reasonable problems to do. That is not to say he chose an easy path, easy problems, or did our work for us, only that he did his part (in my opinion, and exceptionally well). Since I am finished with mathematics as far as required work and my grade in his class is final, I feel I can express this without the appearance of impropriety.

Ok, I must admit to being slightly disappointed. I had hoped that I did well enough on the final for a bump. I know from speaking with most of the class that I did far better than average. Still, there are easily those who did even better I am sure. I can think of two off the top of my head who easily could have outpaced me. In a class of 20-25, that would leave me in B territory. As well, my quizzes were poor and that was my real weak spot with no potential for grade trade to amend that. I do not know, but I would end up a little happier if I actually scored an A on the final, though I cannot expect that or even honestly hope for it. However, the class is completed, even that line of study is completed. I went against the odds, with only a faith I could recapture my old knowledge while winding up to follow the steep learning curve provided by the new material. As well, I went without extra time and a quiet, private, test and quiz facilitation. But dang it, I thought I was special! *laughs, well, chuckles… ok, grumbles*

Now, to get back into some other things. I have taken the week off and allowed my nerves, mind, and body to rest. I have enjoyed this rest, but it is time to get back into the game. I have registered for two classes this spring. The registrations are tentative because they do not have it recorded that I took engineering calculus I, and engineering calculus III does not seem to count. I am trying to contact the school to get the problematic class registration cleared and I am trying to contact VA Vocational Rehabilitation Services to see if they will help. If not, I will have to drop statics, I simply cannot afford two classes. I am also setting out to begin a review of the material I covered in this class, to look at a new physics theory, to study German again (though I would love to find a source of recorded or recordable German language, of simpler varietals (for example, speeches or talks given by or for German elementary students, structured (minus slang, at least initially) youth conversations, or other similar vocal early language samples). It is the spoken language that I personally find is my greatest weakness (though of course, actually reading written forms in papers (they are quite formal I have heard) and books in the German language is the true weakest, but that will take a great deal of time to actually be able to perform. Oh, and I may check into the material regarding my classes. It should be simple to find material regarding statics and electrical sciences. I might have some of that just lying around. Anyway, I have a plate full of academic activities planned until school starts up.

As well, I will be writing the woman from class a brief email. I am interested in where she thinks a self-study of statistics might best begin. If I do not dig into it immediately, I would like to at least design a beginning course and purchase a few books. Why statistics? It is an essential tool for any research. By having a grasp of this field, an ability to use a computer to evaluate data, and a personal interest shown through the first two items in this list, I would be much more interesting as a potential research assistant, initially, and both the knowledge and the experience as a research assistant would build toward my own work. Or so hope goes. Gee, I am actually becoming excited about this.

Oh, should there be any questions regarding a particular set of notions I have expressed, I should like to say something here. I still believe trouble is brewing, I still believe history is going down a very narrow and dangerous path. I am sure the outcome is in doubt. As well, I still have plans to vacate this area, though not on the moved up date of this August. I should also add, I am actually planning on leaving, but not (and it never was) because of my belief in a dubious future. That was only a side note, unrelated to my hoped move. No, it is merely the dreams of the mountains, fresh air, wind, rain and snow, rivers, and out-door adventure which call me. As well, I am gearing up as I may, making plans, and looking at places to live. I just do not wish to waste the time I have in this area, with a college right here. It is a resource, I enjoy it, and I am becoming more sure about my eventual success. I might find myself in a place to continue my education wherever I end up, since I am planning that, the chances really are not all that bad. *laughs* Have no doubts, neither my dreams nor my plans have been all that changed, actually only being rescheduled back to their initial (and only then, potential) track.

In truth, tomorrow is what it is. I may plan to stay put, move, marry, or fly to the moon. Reality might agree, be completely different, I could die, or something really odd could happen. Heaven knows, I kneel, homina domina day (-o). And, I am good with that too. Yeah, I covered my bum well there, but not by being clever. I merely understand my limitations. Be well.

The Final.

What can I say, it seemed to go smoothly. Though it was not a simple test, by any means, I believe I understood each question well enough to answer it correctly. I probably had my typical “math bad hair day”, missing a minus sign there, or 3 + x^3y –y^cos(z) mismatching, but I think I was strong with theory and practice, just missing in the little math detail. After the test, while waiting for my study partner, a group of us began to congregate and discuss the problems, the ones we were sure about and the ones we were not sure about. All I can say is that, from that too, I have a decent feeling about the test. My friend did not feel he did so well. I was unhappy about that, but I do believe he will pass and will do fine. I am pretty sure, depending on how poorly my simple math was, that I should be keeping my B. Knowing my penchant for math errors though, I doubt if anything in the test would convince the professor to offer me an A. It is better than I had hoped in the beginning. I had to try. And, I am pleased in some ways.

I was not able to try and register for classes today. I decided to study with my friend, and it did help. Just by accident, we were discussing a problem from homework (one of hundreds). He solved it, and I watched (it is one thing I cannot do, step-wise valuation from (x,y) to t, given a graph). If he had not done that, I would not have solved that problem on the test, it was the exact problem from the homework!). We actually did not work on homework problems, sticking to previous tests only for all of our finals study (except for that one problem, and that only incidentally as, while I was turning pages looking for the general form of something, I saw it, pointed it out as a difficult problem, and his mind works in such a way that he just does what he sees in some odd fashion!).

Now, to look forward to next semester. Oh, and take care of life between now and then. I did a little shopping tonight and had hoped to do more, soon. It looks like an ice storm is coming through, so I do not know if I will be able to get out tomorrow to finish grocery shopping and do some minor errands. I am not even nervous about the surgery, I am just looking forward to having straight toes. My left foot hurts a great deal, and often, more so than the right foot. That is part of the reason it goes first. Though, another consideration just happens to be that I will be on my own through this operation. And, I may need to do some driving. Though the grades will probably be posted Friday, I would like to take a look at the monster, which means a drive. As well, when my mother returns from the baby-sitting job I have sent her on as her Christmas gift, I will be driving up that way. I have not seem my Mum in a while, and I am getting a bit cranky about it. She is a one of a kind, and big as I am, I still cannot quite be as much of a big baby without her. Yea, I know, but I have finally come full circle to where I have accepted much which I had foresworn. I suppose that is part of why I became Catholic. Kneel, knave, and know your place… I think I heard that somehow. And, finally, appreciate it in more ways than one.

Hey, I might have discussed a woman in class, one I might have thought of as attractive, interesting, smart… Urhm, well… I realized I no longer had her email address, due to my computer problems. So, trying to figure out how to deal with that situation, I decided to ask her, preferably before class, for an email or phone number exchange. As it worked out, I could only do so as we were seated and right before the test was handed out. She finishes the tests (historically, and did so again) quickly, then leaves. In order to minimize any discomfort, I had written my email address on a piece of paper beforehand. She had her own idea, however, and asked if I wanted her email address instead, which of course I did. So, she wrote it down and gave it to me. Now, this was ostensibly merely to ask her about statistics (which I am interested in and she is heavy in that field). I swore to myself that was all it was about. However, my deep blush when trying to speak English in that little conversation in the presence of the rest of the class and my inability to do so coherently indicates to even my clueless man-self, that, perhaps, there is more. *sigh* Yeah, I know. What are clueless male types supposed to do? Anyway, she seemed pleasant and interested. And, she had one of the biggest smiles going on. I cannot be sure if she was laughing at me for being a fool, the situation, happy that I asked, or some mix thereof. Read the clueless part again. Still, it is done. Now to figure out how well I can get around, how soon, and then when and what to write. Yeah, buddy. And, no matter, I will always have that little memory of my foibles in calculus with a woman as a fun little moment to remember for years, perhaps decades.

As with women, my mother, and God, I am forced to kneel with ineptitude and just graciously accept their gifts, favors, and follies. I finally realize I do not need to understand. More, I will never be able to understand. It is freeing, if still a little vexing.