Ok, a better than average day, for the week anyway.

I made it to church. Good. I decided against attempting to take the refuse to the landfill, realizing that being late Saturday afternoon, the landfill was probably not open. It ended up being a wise decision, as I had forgotten my wallet so that between driving back to get my wallet, realizing I needed to stop and pick up some money for the offering (and a bit just for the wallet and life), time became much tighter than it at first seemed. Had I successfully or not detoured more I would not have made it to church on time. As is, I was inside the church and seated a very healthy 10 minutes early (my usual target time).

I saw several of the gents I saw last week, a few I had not seen but know, and I also met the fellow who had asked me to contact him. I had made efforts to obtain his email address, but the sister I emailed for information did not seem to know him, or he was not coming up in her searches. This time I ensured I got his email address and I plan to write and set up a coffee hour. Come to think of it, there is another friend or two in the church I need to check up on. It has been a while since I have seen some of them, perhaps it is time.

After leaving church, and then speaking with some friends, I decided a drive was in order. I had initially thought I might go fishing, but it seemed too late, and I would have needed to change as well. I wanted to do something to help me stay awake and stretch my day out a bit. A drive it was. I drove out to see if the county firing range was above water yet. I doubted it would be, but then maybe the water had been lowered in that particular reservoir to open that shooting area. Even if the water had been lowered, I supposed it would still be too muddy to drive in. The worst case scenario was the truth, water was still very high, not having gone down or been lowered since last I checked. It was a fun drive and a nice day, so no real loss.

Returning home, I try to think up some things to do. I decided to try and call my mother. She did not answer her home phone, so I called her cell phone. No answer to that either. Hungry, I decide, I really have a want for food. Then I remember the fish! Can I cook them well? I try to recall how my mother does them, and then I consider how I prefer things, then I combine the ideas and start cooking. Very good, if I do say so myself! I am not so pleased with my cooking skills as I am with the taste of fine tasting fresh fish and a satisfied stomach. Though knowing that I can cook these fine fresh (hopefully soon to be) easy to catch foods is good news.

Well, I should go back a bit. Half-way through the cooking my mother calls me. Her phone tracks who called. She had been in the shower, a long day for her so she was enjoying it as more a want than just a need. Then, she had food cooking, so she finished her meal. She has been very busy, though life will begin slowing down for her. She has been helping a friend out, but she is becoming tired. I finished my cooking while talking with her. We got caught up on all of our doings, ensured we each knew the other understood we were loved, and just jabbered for a bit. I could tell she was very tired. So, finally, we bid each other goodnight with a final “I love you”.

Perfect. The fish cooled off just right while we talked. I realize I have stayed up all day, I have completed some new and old tasks, of course I have missed out on doing some things I had hoped to do. All in all, life is becoming successful. I am really going to try and push to get up in the morning and stay up all day, while still staying somewhat busy.

Oh, movies have to go back. They are late. The movies, all good within their genres and perhaps more, some better than others, are “Stardust” (fantasy) , “Gabriel”(religious concept, angelic “mythology”), “Live Free or Die Hard” (action), and “War” (action, with Jet Li and Jason Statham). I may or may not get to full reviews, but “Stardust” received a B/B+ all around, “Gabriel” received a B-/B but only within it’s niche, “Live Free or Die Harder” was a solid B+/A- definitely in it’s genre and I would debate on into general cinema mostly, and “War” was a good B-/B if mostly just within it’s style. I best get these back. Goodnight.

Not bad, how to keep it going?

My lady friend stopped in this morning. A little company was helpful in waking up and staying awake. And, she brought breakfast makings, so I made breakfast. I had thought she would be by, but one cannot always tell with her. I prepared by sorting out the kitchen last evening, so I was ready. She prefers her “organic” eggs, “heritage” pork bacon, and such. Since I will not spend twice the price of already too high grocery prices for what I have no evidence is any more nutritious, she has learned to care for her preferences. I will eat the stuff, I just will not pay for it. As well, if she has no money, she is more than welcome to eat here, and whatever I have. So, it is not like I am stingy about food, or will not share.

In any case, we had a nice breakfast. She even brought a loaf of either artisan whole wheat or mixed grain. I cut half the florets from a broccoli stalk to be sautéed in butter, then have the scrambled eggs mixed with them. I cooked a large portion of the bacon, though not purely by my choosing. She had two types of bacon, one cured and smoked, and one merely cured. She had wished that I cook some of each, as she wished to sample both. However, she did not tell me this until I was nearly finished cooking nearly all of one of the packages. As is my general pattern, I do not prefer to open two packages at one time. Oh well. Still, it was pleasant. We ended up with scrambled eggs with broccoli florets, plenty of good thick old school bacon, toasted whole grain bread, an half avocado each, and she with coffee where I preferred chilled tea.

After that, a few games of backgammon to instill the fear of Man-flesh into her mind. After that, a Scrabble shakedown. Well, she did win a few of the backgammon games, so I do not feel too bad. By this time she was finished with her laundry, my kitchen was back in order (and better than it had been, happily), and she was ready to go home and sleep. So, that was that. Now, how to stay awake. I am just frazzled. I took my morning medicine, and I took my afternoon pills. Still, I feel like I could just collapse into a pile of goo. That would be Mr. (Mc)goo to you.

I might have to push things even more. I have to check a few things, but I think it is time I do more than try. Is that last famous last words, or is that me becoming a Jedi? *laughs* It is a Saturday, so I really want to go to church. I would also like to get some refuse out to the dump. This last clean up day left me with more than I could fit into the barrel on top of the trash being taken far earlier in the day than usual. It was the Mayor’s Pick-up or Clean-up day, so I think the garbage detail was trying to get a hustle on, starting early and moving fast. So, I need to get rid of some stuff.

But first, I need a shower. If I was not going to church, it would be no problem. And, I am not so concerned about the refuse messing up my situation, as most of it is dry goods (papers, newspapers, magazines, catalogues, and such). I wonder if I will be out of church in time to try to go fishing? Hmmm, maybe. I had hoped to go yesterday, but it just did not work out. Oh, yeah, I am starting to notice some physical differences due to working out. They are small, perhaps some might not notice at all. But the veins in my hands are much more pronounced, and the veins in my arms are beginning to make themselves know. My muscles do not feel bigger, or even tighter, however. Then again, what does two weeks earn me, the strength of a paper-boy or something? *grins*

Two weeks of exercising.

After a lot of years of nothing, two weeks almost seems like an accomplishment. The work out is becoming more challenging, and again I find that I am becoming nervous. It is not as bad as the first two sessions, both of which I feared greatly. This is more of a feeling that I could just stop working out. It would be easy to do, there are excuses (if poor ones). I do not think I will quit, and if I mess up, I will get back into it. Between feeling stretched after the work outs and yet not feeling like I have made gains, I think those two thoughts are what cause me doubt. I am just grumbling or, more, voicing my concern and identifying the sources of my concern. Perhaps that will help, perhaps it is irrelevant.

I did a number of things I had hoped to get done this week, yet there are many things that are slipping through my fingers. I need to place a call to check on some needed gear, a weekday thing you know. I have not further investigated my birth mother’s contact information, probably, again, a weekday thing. There are several other tasks, as well. Not being able to wake in the morning has made becoming alert fast enough when I do awake in the afternoon a bit of a trick. Still, I think I will need to begin keeping a list, or three. One list for things I can actually do. A list for those things I am trying to do. And a final list for things I need, contact information once I obtain it, and perhaps intermediate tracking of the other lists. Yes, it might get a bit confusing, but using several separate stapled together sheets should help, and I think I need to keep several lists or it could become unmanageable.

Oh, right, a few more things to do. I need to begin hitting the trails, bowling, and doing push -ups. Monday? Maybe, yeah, or tomorrow. I will just have to see.

I have received some very good news. It sounds as if the off-road club would easily be able to plan a “stock” trip for the days indicated. Apparently it is early enough that this should be easy, and it sounds like there are willing participants! From what I have heard, the higher passes should be snow free (or free enough) for a good go at them. I am not yet sure how this will work out, or where we might go, but I am excited. Since I will not be able to access a computer… wait, my cell phone does email, and internet actually. Hmmm, still, I ought to figure out who would be willing to exchange phone numbers as the trip is finalizing.

Argh! Bah, it is good. I am nervous about money, I am nervous about timing, I am anxious about the whereabouts of a mom gone missing, and I am tired. Good, it gives me something to complain about, get fired up about, and push to solve. So, so, just… leave me alone! :p

A tough week, I am not sure how to break the cycle.

This week has been brutal. I will also say that in spite of it being a week of exhaustion, I did more this week than I have at times during peak times prior to this new regimen. I suppose that is good, but it shows me how hard digging out from 20 years is going to be. I have lifestyle issues, I have health issues from my disabling conditions (I believe there are two problems, trauma and that odd super need for sleep) to being out of shape, as well as not having enough education or experience to just pick something up and begin being professional, or even earning money or providing services, etc. I looked into charity work, but much of it is very light weight work offering only a few hours a day. Now, I understand that it needs to be, but for someone who can move hundreds of pounds physically and has some mathematical skills up to engineering calculus III, it is difficult to connect with very light simple tasks. I am a people person, but not in as heavy a way as might be needed in some of the other tasks.

So, what I am left with is finding things I like to do, and then doing them. Most frequently, I need to do them alone. This is complicated, it can be expensive, and I can usually only go so far in any skill, interest, or hobby before I come up against too many unknowns to feasibly learn more independently. Fishing is a skill, some of it may be understood through reading, some of it can be gained by experience, but much of it almost requires a guide. Hunting is similar. And, almost anything is better with some company. Yes, I am grumbling. But never worry, I am still working on these things.

I am just a bit frustrated. I cannot seem to get out of bed on time in the mornings. I set my alarm, and I try to get to bed as early as I can. I try to push, and I have been taking at least my morning medicines regularly and well. Even when I am awake and doing things, I am quite often very tired. Then again, if this is an actual low, it is miles above the “best” low I have ever had. I am doing my weights, doing laundry, cleaning up, reading (about pi right now), maintaining my blog, and still finding other reasons and ways to get out of the house, on top of planning for my trip. Yeah, ok, perhaps I should be tired given I do have an issue with exhaustion and I have been busy. But darn it, I am Super Man, right?

Not the best starting day, again.

A late rise. I did not wake until 14:00 or so. And, it has been a struggle waking up. Thankfully a friend needed my drill and some muscle. I think I got that arranged as required, and then since I happened to have some buckets, and they needed them, I drove home and then delivered them to the friend. Now, I am waiting for my neighbor to return home so that we might get out fishing. This week’s fishing report is out, but I am not sure where to find that. I may have to take a peek around the web and see if I can locate it.

I did have a bit of a party last night. I started out with two beers, and then had more, so simple yet not. At least I did not (I do not think), blog anything odd or offensive, send any emails, or any other such rubbish. And, the beer was quite good. For some reason, it just went down the tube like the fantasy of beer drinking might indicate.

I have already started receiving some of what I ordered. This is great, especially since I did not order fast delivery. I now have a fleece pullover, water shoes (though I already have scuba boots, I thought the shoes are better for this type of thing), 5 big cans of dehydrated foods (beef based, plus an extra just beef can, in case they were beef stingy), several over-the-fire cook items (a couple of stainless still handled grill baskets and a couple of handled cast iron “pie” (or sandwich) cookers), a few more camp pillows, several lengths of rope, and four ratcheting cargo straps. Bit by bit, this is coming together. I know I will probably want a water reservoir as well, 5 to 10 gallons, preferably steel, with several options in how to fill and then access the water in the container.

I suspect, however, that as I begin camping and checking out the equipment, I will always think of something else. Much of it is not necessary, so at this point, I really have to start looking at whether the items are actually useful for actual survival, real and functional utility, and as a last possibility whether the item has real and functional comfort properties. Roughing it is exactly that, yet dying does not sound fun while a chauffeured outing is just as out. Only experience, gained in successes and failures, will lead me to this knowledge.

If, in my fishing today, I find some significant success, I may begin going more, on my own. I am also hoping to find campfire rings where we fish. I would really like to catch a few fish and try out the stainless steel grill baskets, cooking a fish or two in them. I suspect some salt and perhaps a spray bottle filled with olive oil might lend themselves nicely to the deal (oh, and a pepper grinder). I just want to see how well it actually works. Of course, I am starting to become unsure if we will be fishing tonight, it is getting late. It happens, or does not, at times and as the case may be.

I just cannot keep things going.

I was awake late last night finishing all but a few of the remaining dishes (a pot and a utensil had been overlooked) and finalizing the kitchen to within a reasonable standard. I went to bed, setting my alarms. I heard them, and turned the first off, while resetting the second one. I either did not hear the second (reset) alarm go off, or I reset it incorrectly. Thankfully, I heard the doorbell, and was up and out of bed, dressed and at the door, quickly enough so that there was no incident. We did get to the area I had hoped to have dug into last week. It is much neater, the old and unwanted papers, magazines, and catalogues have been tossed or shredded and the necessary material has been collected and will be sorted shortly. Work was easier this time, but it was just as necessary.

After she exited my abode, the home health assistant that is, I realized I was still quite tired. I struggled to stay awake as long as possible, hoping to get my work-out completed before then reconsidering a nap. I just could not make the cut. After a goodly but, in finality, futile effort, I ended up napping. I would guess I napped for several hours. My landlord knocked on the door and introduced me to my new neighbor. She seems to be a younger woman, perhaps in her early to mid twenties. She has a daughter in third grade, and a baby on the way. What other particulars she posses and which surround her, I do not know. She seems like a decent enough person. I will just have to see how this all works out. At least I do not feel she is a threat, I only hope any love interests of hers are as feasible regarding civility.

I wanted to go back to bed, but I refused. I stayed up, just tinkering for a bit. I ate a bowl of cold cereal, and contemplated my day. I had wanted to go bowling, but that just is not in the cards. I received some email back, some of which is being considered, some of which is a negative which will have to be handled in it’s own way. I just stumbled through a few more hours of barely hanging on to consciousness. I knew that if I did not push, and hard, I would not get to my workout today. So, push I did. I first found some clean workout wear, dressed, found my timer (for my rests) and placed it appropriately, then I warmed up with a few very light exercises. I got in and did it, though it took me nearly a full 45 minutes this time. I can push it, and have it done in less than 30 minutes, but that does not feel right. Though a full 45 minutes indicates I was dogging it, too. Given the deal, I was happy to get the lifting done, so I really will not complain.

I am not sure what this evening will bring. However, I am hoping to watch a movie or two, take back some movies, fix some dinner, buy some groceries, and do some final cleaning. Either that, or just take another nap. I am so very tired. Perhaps I will split the difference, take the movies back, grab some salad makings, and just tinker. Yeah, I think so. If nothing else, it will get me out of the house, even if it for nothing more than groceries. I do have tomorrow evening to look forward too, my neighbor has asked me to go fishing. I am not sure if he and his family are to go, which parts of it, or if it’s an adult fishing expedition. I am happy in any case. When the kids throw rocks in the water, it is a short lived attention getting thing, and I remember the days when I did the same thing. I would also like to do something else tomorrow. Perhaps I can go bowling earlier in the day.

Why am I trying to push? Well, I suppose having two to three weeks on the road looking me in the face is leading me to push a bit. That is, indeed, the short term specter. The long term ghost that haunts me is my long past of inability and exhaustion. I really need to push past this. Even with Ritalin, I am barely able to walk some days (though, in comparison to my past, I AM able to get out of bed now). The psychotropics never did work, so I lost faith in the initial diagnosis (plural, the diagnosis flipped like doctor pathogen fashions or something). I guess, only in working with a single doctor over a long period of time has a reasonable diagnosis been proffered, and treated. If the treatment is not perfect, it is a better fit than what I have had to date. As well, some syndromes are not well indicated for treatment. Perhaps this is as good as it gets. But wait, let me push, and with the bit the medicine is helping, as I do get fit, let me re-evaluate. Perhaps I am too hopeful, perhaps my faith is ill advised, perhaps I am a fool. I tell you this, I would rather live with hope than give up and die. As I have said, even if I ultimately fail, how can I lose by continuing on?

Oh, thinly sliced roast beef, heated then having slices of cheddar cheese melted on top, set in a kaiser bun, with a bowl of buttered vegetables, a glass of milk, and who knows what (freshly brewed, then iced, ginger peach tea is what!), I believe, sounds like supper to me. I am so hungry! See ya.

A day of uncertainty.

I went to bed at 3:00 last night, perhaps 3:30. Today is an off day, no exercises, though I had hoped to go bowling, and I probably intended to sleep in. No such luck, as life would have it. At precisely 5:59, my lady friend called to make sure I was awake. Oddly, my phone only rang through twice (or did I just hear the last two rings, drats, I had not considered that until now). Of course, in two real or heard rings, in the dark, finding my phone is good, answering it is asking a bit much. So, I listened to her stupid message indicating that she wishes my driving services at 8:00, and I then went back to sleep, promptly I might add. *ring, ring* An hour later, two more rings. I again, of course, miss the phone. Being both tired And bothered now, my chances at even finding the phone in two rings have dwindled to nil. Arghhh! This woman hates me (and, she does)! This time, as I lay my head to rest again, the phone goes off again. Another stupid message. I think I just erased it, waiting for her to call me at a more respectable hour. The next thing I know, the phone is ringing again. Wait, that is not the phone, that is the doorbell.

So, I jump out of bed, yell an “I am coming”, only to hear a hail of extra doorbell buzzes or rings or whatever sound the stupid device delivers to my frayed nerves and sleep deprived neurons, which feel like they are being shocked and assaulted from the minute fuzz in my ear canal, sticking out from my inner-ear skin all the way to my sleep achy brain, then through out my body. She has to be female. Anyway, after I let her know I am coming, and she acknowledges this by assaulting me, I rush back to my room and oddly dress. Arms and arm holes do not work out right. My shirt somehow gets half inside out and half right side out, and then backwards I think. Another hail of attacks on my neuro-net, while I am finding my pants and trying to get them on. Feeling like I must have made the poor dear wait in the pouring rain or the drastic cold, I rush to the door to find a little contented woman looking at me as if she had just so softly tapped on the door, standing in the beautiful warm and dry morning. I honestly do not think that woman gets it. Anyway, I throw the bolt and then turn the lock, I open the door and back in to allow her entrance and she says “I was just making sure you were up, I need to change clothes and get breakfast.”! No, she does not get it. I think she notes a small bit of disturbance in my force, so she amends her words. “No, indeed, I will not go for breakfast, we will eat together later. Still, I will go home and change my clothes. I will be back in a bit, be ready.”. *slam* The woman needs a broom! (I did infer that tonight, to which she gained some small joy)

So, she returns and I realize what I have been roped into. She desires a driver, one more time, to pick up her glasses. Fine, fine, so off we go. She asks, however, and right before we leave, for a blanket and pillow. That done, she climbs into the back seating area and promptly falls asleep. We get down there, and pick up her glasses (and I buy a pair of sunglasses which will sit atop my glasses, both for the rafting and for the general road trip). We then head back to our town. On the way, she has me look for a breakfast place. Eggs, hashbrowns, and coffee would be enough for her, so long as it is not fast food (she is a socialist and libtard, McDonalds is eeewwwilll). So be it, I pick my battles, and this is not one of them. Fast food breakfast are not my favorite, so no real loss. There is not a single place on the way back, so we stop at her favored spot in town and commence to consume. After that, I drive home, she hops in her vehicle and heads home from here, and that is that.

Still being quite tired, I think about sleeping. No, there are things I need to do. And, to help stay awake and do a few things, I head out of the house and to a local outdoors rigging store. I have looked online for some things, so I want to give the locals a shot. With shipping, but less tax, the locals come out the favored, so I buy a few things I have been eyeballing for years now. An MSR multi-fuel stove, a few minor cooking items, a Katadyn pocket water filter, a camp pillow, some plastic silverware, a couple of stainless bottles for water, and a few other odds and ends. When I arrive home, and fondle my goodies, I decide to try and make some contacts.

One contact is local, so I write an email to an mutual acquaintance who might have the contact or who might know someone who does have the information. I still await results there. After that, I attempt to find the Off-Road club I had been in contact with over a number of months last year. Unfortunately they are gone. However, another group, more broadly based on all Nissan offroad vehicles, has sort of taken over the role the Xterra club had been filling. So, I joined their forums, left a post in their noob category letting them know a bit about me, asking about their schedule and letting them know of my interest and possible dates for meeting or driving with one or many of them, and now I am awaiting something there.

After that, I decided to begin tracking down a farmer john. After much looking, and looking at the capacity (temperature wise, and in sizing), turning down this as too cheap, that as too small, this as too thin, that as… Well, I did get lucky, I think. I found the item I needed, added a multi hanger for the extra gear (diving gloves, cape (if I get one), and diving boots), diving suit shampoo, a hanger for the suit itself, and a rash guard, all for a price I consider reasonable after several hours of searching (actually, I have been looking at farmer john wetsuits since last years white-water considerations). I think I will order 5 various cans of freeze-dried food, some sleeping bag gear, and perhaps another ice chest, and I will be pretty much ready (other than, of course, some fresh foods on my way out of town, or on road on the way, lodging, gas, rafting expenses, and a few other odd holes to be put in my head). *laughs* Oh, I have probably spent a bit more than I had initially thought I would need to spend, but it is within my limits, and easily. As well, next year will be easier. I suspect climbing rope, some other climbing gear, and a hammock tent will be next year’s big expenses, along with gas, lodging, and rafting costs, oh and most likely a adventurer’s canoe. *sigh* Perhaps, one expensive summer at a time, eh?

I still was unable to locate mother number three. I am a bit worried, though if she put her phone on the unlisted side, moved, married, or some other things, well, she is probably fine. I may have a trick to finding her. I thought of this today, knowing her maiden name (which she had been using until recently), and where some of our name-sake relatives live, I might try calling around in that city (a whole other state). It came to me too late to attempt it, politely, this evening. Tomorrow I will try again.

Oh, for some reason my lady friend stopped by this evening. She said she was avoiding her landlady who was arriving as my friend was about to go home after her (free) work in some organic garden (while she is deeply in debt, having to pay her own gas to that farm, not getting paid except for receiving vegetables in season, while she complains about being in debt and could be working for actual cash money, socialists!). Anywho, I invited her in and offered to share a pizza. Beside her buying me several fine meals lately (if I have spent gas, it has been a smaller thing then her generosity by far), she just looked to need to be treated kindly. So, I thought of food and said nothing about my usual topics (communism, socialism, feminism, or her foolish counter-productive ill conceived work ethic). She had been hungry, so it was settled. A prayer over the meal together, as is my usual which she usually shares, sometimes does not participate in, and then we enjoyed the thing. She thought it was bedtime, so out the door she went, at my insistence. She will be glad, later, when she realizes she got a little sleep instead of goofing on my computer for three hours, or four, or five. (No, her interest in staying longer was not an indication she is “interested”. We are good friends, but that is not in either of our ways these days. Still, it was cute of you to imagine it.)

I am very tired, and it is rather late, yet I wish to do dishes so that, for the first time, the lady that arrives tomorrow may focus on other areas for cleaning. I wish to be up early, but this is going to be tough. I have been doing well, if my schedule is becoming lopsided to later day rather then banker's hours days. As well, if not up as long and strong as I wish, I have been pushing forward, not letting go, and doing all that I can plus stretching my capacity a good deal. We will just have to see. This could turn around and hit me hard. It is sort of like the idea of a rocket, can the thing reach critical velocity to leave the gravitational pull with enough thrust yet remaining to exit the Earth’s gravitational pull and angle away, or stay in a stable orbit? Well, can I… punk? I do not know.

A great meal, a good day, if not the best of days.

I was not able to get up and running well today. I did not wake until after 13:00. It took a great deal of time to fully awaken and shake the cold and lethargy of sleep. I had hoped to get some cleaning done, work out, play the piano, go bowling, then be ready for our cook-out tonight. Though I did work out, play piano, and have a great dinner with the neighbors, I missed the rest. I can bowl tomorrow and I can clean either after this or tomorrow. I did finish a few emails which I needed to send off. Though I failed to make contact (or even find contact information) with my 3rd Mother. As well, I have yet to contact the Xterra club.

The meal was quite pleasant. They have a number of children, so there is always sound and movement. One of the children is in a cast, they all want attention, and they are all curious yet short of attention span. This, far from being a negative, is part of what I enjoy about sharing meals with the family. It, when I think of a family, is the organic social contact which I seek. I know it is not perfect, it can be over-whelming, it is not going to be easy, but it is priceless and good. The steaks were good, though perhaps a little under-done. No one wanted their steak cooked longer, though that might have been from exhaustion. Honestly though, I did not get the sense of dissatisfaction. Along with this, potatoes, salad, shrimp with cocktail dip, and dessert filled out the meal wonderfully. I so rarely do a complete meal, that this was a real treat.

Between them corralling kids, setting places, talking, and all of us cooking, the evening flowed pleasantly. Eventually, after the meal was complete, dishes and such were tended, and a bit more talk, several of the children hit bedtime. The house started to noticeably cool and slow down. Those of us remaining watched a (divo) recorder version of “The Office” (or something like that). Though I rarely watch tv, they had introduced this show to me some time back. Then, not long ago, I had been watching one of the shows, then it was interrupted by a call (I think it is an oddly funny show). Since they had it, and they enjoyed that one, we watched it, this time all the way through. Midway through, their neighbors dropped in, first just one of the parents, then the other, then the other, finally both of them dropped in and watched the last half of the show with us.

It was a good evening. There was more, but that is mine, for now. I will let you know if something of a lead begins to bear fruit. I will not be too mysterious, but just saying there is something, perhaps, in the works. Now I leave you. Have a good night and be well.

Socialism, coolaid for the masses.

It has come to my attention that I may no longer post at a particular site. This is fine, and it was, in finality, what I had asked long ago. Yet, when offering thoughts or opinions that I thought were not appreciated, I either received no comment or snide yet weak seeming attacks which when questioned, where never explained. This time, however, I decided it was time to know if what I suspected was true, or if the previous threads just became uninteresting and the hostess went on, just teasing or playing through disinterest in whatever thread was ending.

This is the response to, mostly, genuine query. I will honestly discuss each complaint here (since, as I mentioned, I am no longer welcome to post, rightly or wrongly, it is her site, I will neither apologize nor ignore her decision).

“Doom, you are being Extremely Rude. I will not accept any more of your comments until such time as you choose to apologize.”
I find no reason to apologize.

“In case you are still at sea regarding exactly what it is you have to apologize for:

1) You called me an anti-American.”
I indicated that socialism is anti-American if it is sought. Since this is not the type of government we (officially) have, supporting it means supporting the overthrow of our current government. I suspect that is rather anti-American. If you are so involved with the socialist movement that you cannot be separated from the movement on a personal basis, then you are indeed anti-American. Either face up to it, honestly, or leave the traitorous political affiliation.

“2) You have implied that I am a thief.”
Same as above.

“3) You have essentially told me, 'If you don't like America, you can leave.'”
In essence, yes. I believe there is a group which will help you, paying one way travel and offering you a small payoff, for a guarantee of termination of citizenship. Let me know if our “criminal” (as you put it) president is too much for you and you feel the need to leave.

“4) You have compared Senator Obama to Hitler and Stalin, and offensively misspelled his name.”
Actually, the misspelling was accidental, in this case. I have done it on purpose before, but I spelled it Obomber, see the difference? I am unfamiliar with muslim names. I am so happy that you seem to grasp them so well. Perhaps a burqua is your style. As far as comparing him to Hitler and Stalin, that is a bit much. He is half the man, if every bit as evil. As I have told others, I will now tell you. I hope you get your way, the governance you would die or kill for, if you had the power, but I hope it happens for you elsewhere or after I am dead.

“5) You have so ridiculously misrepresented the subject matter in your last post that it is impossible even to address the points you make. They are not coming from any basis in reality at all. 'Socialism has afflicted our medical schools?' What are you smoking? Indifference, negligence to fertility? When the in-vitro fertility industry is so enormous, and when our live birth rate takes into account all the premature and low-birth-rate infants that never would have had a chance of survival in the past?”
I do not smoke, inject, or otherwise consume drugs as a means of recreation or whatever. Perhaps you should be speaking to Obomber about that. I would guess I am even being removed from the rolls of the “ill”, actually. My life is rather good, and there is potential for it becoming much better still. Personal attacks to create an excuse to not listen to truth or reason is quite common among liberals. How nice, to kick a gimp because he won't hail your new dear leader. I would say it is all there is, emotion, for socialists, liberals, communists, and feminists politically. Looking at the three Democratic candidates, this last thought becomes obvious.
As far as the infestation of socialism, among other ism’s, in medical schools, and all schools, of both higher and lower levels of education, denying it simply shows your ignorance or worse? I have a brother who is a doctor. He was liberal in high school, far left by my accounting. For him to be allowed into the school (Brown’s, I believe), he was not liberal enough so he had to have some social contact indoctrination. He was required to do a year or more of charity work (so called HFH, Carter’s thing). The gall of that, and his simplistic obedience and subsequent indoctrination left me quite suspect, as time has passed the suspicion has been clarified into certainty. I have seen what the ethics boards at hospitals are doing, leaving doctors to decide whether even to treat, then having that one doctor be able to pretty much lock the patient out of treatment anywhere else, among many other things. How many are they not going to treat because we do not believe the socialist mantra? That is just some of it, but you asked.

“In short, you have derailed an honest discussion into insane, inflammatory hyperbole while denying that is what you intend to do. I will not tolerate this on my blog.”
There was never an honest discussion. I did ask some things, but every time I did, I had a bunch of emotional oddity sent my way. There were a few who tried to answer. Some who tried to understand where I was coming from. And, perhaps, a few who honestly understand it was not an attack. None of which would I be able to say you wished to be a party to. I was asking, purely, what your stance was. Whether my interpretations were correct as you saw things, and whether there was room for any commonality. I felt attacked at every step. Finally, I wanted to see if your idealism was more important then a person. I wanted to see if ideas could be overlooked for other ideals which are held in common. I found that your idealism trumps all. It is what I feared, suspected. It is why I will never bite into the socialist or communist apple. It is poison, and anyone not sucking down that poison is out. So be it.

Mom, the Second.

I was able to contact my foster Mother! The conversation was wonderful. She had so many questions and some interesting news. And, she was welcoming. I do believe we will be able to see each other for a bit when I am in the area! I am excited. Perhaps I may get the chance to see some of my foster siblings as well. I, of course, wished her a happy Mother’s Day. She was a good woman, and she certainly did her best. I think she was happy to hear that I had quit tobacco. She tried her best to keep me from that, but some things could not be done.

I suppose we spoke for a half an hour or so, and just re-familiarized each other with voice, our recent histories, and just happy tidings. I certainly hope I may stay there several days, rest up, and learn more. It was a relief to not be spurned, or to have missed her death, or something. I really need to begin caring for the connections with those I love. Even a quarterly call, even if the news is never good from me, but only hopeful, I need to just man up to my humble nature.

I attempted to find my final Mother through the telephone listings. However, I could not find her. I am a bit worried. Though, she may have moved or married, both are not likely. I will try a few other methods tomorrow, methods which tend to be more weekday friendly. I hope I have not missed her life as she died and without my attendance. I am hopeful. What else is there?

I still need to contact the Xterra Club, discuss with AAA what AAA Plus membership offers in trip planning and savings on lodging, food, and things, figure out some costs, starting paring the timing down to narrow windows of probability, if not quite yet outright static plans. There, as well, are a few more items I need to purchase, some food planning, and just continuing forward with my exercises, bowling tomorrow, my other schedules, appointments, and interests. Oh, and I need to begin corralling college plans. If I am going to cancel a surgery for college, then I am going to college.

So much to do, I suppose I have a lot to make up until I can both claim a life, then find a more stable life. If, that is, I can make it out of the old life and into a new life. So many doubts and questions, time will tell. I think I will watch a show, then head off to bed. I will try to get a review of the movies tomorrow, or soon. Though, this is at the lower end of priorities so no real promises. I liked this set of movies for the most part, and will have something positive to say in the main (that should be a nice change of pace, compared to my most recent movie reviews, right?).

Sleep well, dream sweetly (though I myself honestly do prefer my scary dreams), stay warm to your toes (or cool), and believe that someone out here is like your brother. Perhaps better? Perhaps, sometimes, in a way. Goodnight.

Another new day, a real Sunday. And, it is Mother's Day!

It is amazing, to me, that this day is truly going to become my day of rest. As Saturday is becoming a personal and lighter day, the newness continues. It must be difficult for you to imagine having no days different from any other day. Days becoming confused with each other, then lost in weeks, months, and years. Oddly, that loss of a need, ability, or external push to separate times, days, and dates has counter-intuitively caused my time here, for the last few decades, to seem like an eternity. It is only in these times when I start trying to set up schedules, be at specific places at certain times, and perform pre-planned time-sensitive actions when I am finally able to see how little time there is. Time evaporates, like rubbing alcohol evaporates on the skin, leaving a cool realization of the finite and swift nature of life.

This feeling of time slipping through my hands, far from being a bad part of life as I try to re-enter a new life, is something of a major blessing. At times, in the exhausted haunts of my mind, with time become a distant memory with no meaning to my mind or in my life, the fear that I am in Purgatory becomes pervasive. I cannot help but strangle and choke on the notion that I will be left here for some huge span of time for my misdeeds. Perhaps this is less Purgatory than hell, I even think, in which case, there is no escape. Having time pass, hopefully becoming a party to my aging and being able to watch it more closely, I will find comfort in knowing with certainty that my days are numbered. Because of this, I have to learn to deal with my aging in more than a nativistic or animal way, though a complication, it is one I gladly accept for the freedom from the burden of existential fret otherwise in evidence.

My lady friend finally made her visit this morning. I had gone to bed very late (5:00 or 6:00), so had only slept a few hours when she called at about 7:30 and then dropped in a bit later. She brought the whole of her debt repayment, and breakfast. She had already eaten, so she brought me a slice of quiche, which I did enjoy. She had intended another set of chores this day, but the weather did not support her plans. So, it was a laundry (and Scrabble) today. Plus, I was able to offer her the first cup of cappuccino any guest in my house has received. She appreciated it, but suggested it was no more than a small cup of her organic coffee. I had to concur for the most part. Using only truly purified water and organic coffee that she cannot do without, the device offers no better coffee than any other system (and personally I think worse, as there is more grit in the coffee from the coffee beans from this process). I suppose it is European, in both the device’s style, and the notion of small fine cups of coffee (though, regardless of their pretend sophistry and grandiose delusions of cultural splendor (long dead, only the shell of architecture, artistic antiques, and a faded dead history remain of any of that, since they set out to kill God) I can and do choose probably better coffee and more of it than most Europeans could even contemplate, socialism suck if kings are little better).

We played three games of Scrabble. She just could not win, until finally, she owned me in the last game (well, she eked out with a 6 point lead). I teased, and played, but I was so tired, I am not sure how I did it. Usually, when practiced and rested, I can beat her most of the time. But being this tired, I usually do not stand much of a chance unless she is dragging around as well. But she seemed chipper and awake, so, I cannot account for her losses. I can however *do a snoopy dance* She gets so mad when she cannot win her game (I prefer monopoly, backgammon, poking my eyes out with red hot pokers even, almost). It is fun, though, if only mostly for the company and winning. hehehehe *boop*

We generally do not discuss politics (currently). Though occasionally she or I will ask something, carefully. We do not, then, debate it. All we seemingly do is find out what the other thinks and then back off and disseminate the possibilities on our own. We asked to see if there was a way of thinking we had not considered or simply to hear what the "other side" (one of them) is thinking. If we hear something new (for my part anyway), I honestly check it out. Usually it is propaganda, from what I have researched (though on occasion she is quite right, give or take, if still not always a priority within my basic principles). Organic foods are bunk, and probably a net social and grocer negative, to the problems of socialized medicine, or even socialism versus capitalism. I think if she actually looked up half of what I suggest to her, she would at worst be a simple republican, at best, a real citizen and conservative. And, occasional, the subject will come up again and we might discuss it with our newfound research and any twists from that. Oh, yes, she can be legitimately correct, and I do give it up when she is and when I then concur. Plus, I usually try to sweeten the pot for learnin' me. :) She just cannot handle being criticized, debated, or having her beliefs examined intensely at all. Yes, I can. And, I do seek out those who disagree (or who I suspect disagree), and try to understand, from time to time. Actually, I know no other conservative with whom I speak regularly, save perhaps and sort of Bane (with any certainty, given my understanding of the term conservative, end of legal notice :P ) Even if we may never find agreement, I do seek some understanding. My difficulty is knowing when to cut off the debate as either pointless or becoming too negative (hot). Oddly, I just do not get all that hot.

Oh, happy Mother’s Day to all you ladies who have and ladies who are looking to have little ones! I called one of my Mums so far. I am thinking I should try to call the others. If I wish to visit them, perhaps today would be a good time to, if not see about that, to open up communications again. As I have said before, this is a part of my tasks which I find uncomfortable. Yet, I think I do want to do this. I am pondering the issue. Talking to a Mom, one you have not spoken with in a long time, is not so dissimilar from entering a confessional booth after a long period. The awkward silence, the power structures becoming set again, the acknowledgment of a (if mortal in this case) higher power, and self doubts and a childhood let go so long ago opening up again in order that the relationship may become substantial again, or more, be solidified back into the flesh rather than in memories and thoughts where the relationship had been safely and statically maintained for so long. Open soul surgery? Yeah, ok. As with capitalism, though, there is no pay-off without risk. And the greater the pay-off, the greater the risk. *ouch* I can see why people try to delude themselves with the simple (lies) that are socialism, feminism, and communism. Risks are real, in whatever form they take. It is easier not to take them, even if those types never see the rich pay-offs (most of them cannot and would not have seen those anyway, so they gamble happily, with nothing to lose (seemingly)). Anyway...

One of my Moms is sobbing and such. But sobbing happily, so I guess. When you say you love someone, explain how much you love them, and are sincere and kind in your manners, I guess you should expect that. Well, if it is a woman to whom you are speaking anyway. Still, it is weird. I hope the others do not tear up right away. It makes it difficult to understand them. Though, it often shortens the call, which saves a nickel or two. (I hope my Mom’s do not read this, but… They probably wonder from time to time, that whole black sheep thing and all) Bahhh. I think they know I do care, if I do not always listen, obey, or necessarily share their sentiments.