Sometimes I forget.

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I certainly might be a part of chaos, a touch of anarchy in the right sense, a spot of darkness, if I might suggest, hope, of the holy sorts.  Not possible you say?  I say, go look in the mirror and pray.  For me?  Aye, and you.  Amen.  If not holy, that is my intent, and the direction I face.  Whether I travel in that direction, as with any with the will to the Divine, only God knows.  So... yes... I understand the... doubt, fear, even hatred.  If I suspect those who have the latter.

Anyway, knowing these things means I am different.  Right down to how I think, feel, about things.  Sometimes I simply don't understand humans.  Not at all.  It came to me in a dream, with a recent music video as the catalyst for understanding the misunderstanding.

The video is not prideful, or fearful, it isn't about some notion about being grand, or an ego trip.  It is just about one doing, literally or virtually, through an avatar or others or self, his job... doing what he can do because that is what he does, literally and in a metaphysical reality play through.

In the dream, I was doing as in the video.  What you don't get is... the music?  That's actually from my mp3 player.  My work, as exciting as it may look, gets a bit boring.  As I have explained, so I will explain again.  I am, or dream of, one who cannot lose.  I must lose, however, to have hope.  I... haven't figured that all out, not fully, not yet.  I do... think on it, worry, but faith is strong.  I trust when God says He has faith in me.

Sleep was perfect.

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Work helps with sleep.  While I am not doing much, given the heat and my health, I am doing enough.  I only sleep like that when getting enough work in.  Sleep was slightly after 10:30, waking at 19:00.  It is 78 F in here, at 19:30 it was still 84 outside.  Bleh.  Yes, ac the whole time I sleep.  Required, or I would wake up heat sick.  Actually, until some control was obtained regarding bp and diabetes, even then, in this heat, I would just remain heat sick most of the summer.  Then again, being able to tend myself hasn't always been an option.  That, itself, has been derived from slow improvements in health once they stopped trying to deny my real illness and treat the actual health issues.

Oh, an update on a long vexing problem with Sassy, the younger cat.  She used to have a knot of fur on her back.  I assumed she was too chunky to reach it.  So, with some help, I began trimming that.  A temporary fix, but it ensured no open wounds, infestations, or such.  Beyond, if I thought separately, I purchased a water filtering fountain.  It offers a lot more, and better quality water.  Between occasional clipping and a lot more, and better, water, she remains clot-free.  It took three clippings, and having enough water for months, for her to realize and then implement, the opportunity.  The water fountain really helps the girls.  I am thinking of getting a second one, for the front room.  Spoiled?  Yes and no.  Clean healthy cats do their share.  Mousing and social.  Sassy has become an excellent lap cat too.  Oh, it's their, then my, dinnertime.

I need to start packing the vehicle, actually and some unpacking.  Packing luggage.  And generally getting ready to go.  Cat food and litter before I go, and a bit of price checking and other shopping before I go.  I am holding off fasting.  Too much to do to bother tripping over that, I decided.  Ugh.  When I do eventually get to town, I'll do a minor automobile cleaning myself.  Which means I need to unload tonight.

I'm not doing well in prep.  Never do.  Need a wife, a feisty one.  I can pack a trailer full, but a suitcase?  I can move whatever, but a paper on the floor?  Yeah.  Later.

Tasty.

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I know the tortillas are plastacine or something.  But they were rather flavorless.  The meat was spiced well.  The beans were good.  Just something to eat.  I went smaller and less which required seconds.  But I didn't get stuffed.  That is as good as I can do.  Tea might end up filling my gullet to overfull, but it wasn't chow.

It is, at 4:51, just about to drop to 74.9.  It's not terrible.  It just really isn't cool, either.

I have been wandering news and blog sites.  It looks like even heretofore conservative news sites are taking the lib side in attacking Trump.  Must be a LOT of money flushing around.  Deep state is also going full tilt.  I don't think it will matter.  Still, they are trying to get real voters to hate him.  It just won't work.

Even if all of his voters are hatefully prejudiced?  Still would rather see blacks working (other than as agitators, paid by Soros, unions, Hillary, et. al., to burn down their holes and threaten "whites").  If all of us are xenophobic?  Most of us would still rather not be in danger from NorK nukes, or Russian buildups.  The M.E.?   Dealing with lunatics is what it is.  They won't win against Trump, certainly not with their actual racist and xenophobic ways.  A lot of Americans, even some Democrats, have waken, are watching.  Some are walking away... hopefully not to vote for their own cultural and likely literal genocide.  Better not to vote, which is my path, currently.

If Trump is still in it, and alive, he'll get my vote.  If Romney runs (for anything), I'll vote against him.  He just ran a fundraiser for one of the potential Democrat presidential candidates, the ceo or owner of Starbucks.  Republicans don't do that.  He is no Republican.  Can't run as the Dem he is though.  Mormons don't vote Dem and Dems don't vote Mormon.

Well.  A bit of digesting, then bed?  Dunno.  I sure could use some sleep.  Just pretty sure I can't sleep yet.  Later.  Unless sleep happens.

Definitely staying warm.

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As a kid, before air conditioning, I wondered why adults stayed up so late.  Playing cards, pinochle or rarely rummy?  It's because adults hold onto heat, can't sleep well.  We couldn't always sleep either.  Unless we played or worked all day.  I suppose we understood why sleep was difficult in the moment, when that was the case.  It just doesn't follow through, in memory, to the present.  Not for me.

At a few past 2:30 it is still 77, if you round up from 76.8.  It is tough to get going.  I may just nap, with ac.  It is a rough night.  I am hungry, just can't get to cooking.  I may push through, if the tortillas are still good.  Good?  Useable.  Just how shelf stable are things these days?  Spooky.  But the green apples that stayed "good" for months scared me the most.  I finally threw them away out of creepy disgust.  Beef and bean burritos if those are good.

No, I am not upset about tonight.  I get it.  Wouldn't matter where I lived, or with, around, whom.  Maybe I looked rough as well?  People avoid those who look ill, dying.  I can't tell how I look.  I did shower and brush my teeth before going.  Something I wrote?  Recently, or further back.  If it were... it is not fixable if so, or it would have been brought up already.  Just a bit of a depressing realization.  I was born alone, mostly lived alone, and will die alone.  I should be used to it.  Sometimes I forget.

Well, I'll check the tortillas.  I am hungry.  Cheese and a dab of sour cream would be nice.  Maybe if shopping happens, for a later meal.  Later.

Some of it.

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So warm.  So tired.  So late.  I couldn't fight through until 21:00.  It was almost too dark by then.  I suppose I could have used the spot lantern, but that would have been another thing.  I wasn't willing to do more.  So I just did what I could.  It looked pretty good, though I will check in better light tomorrow.  I hit the simple surfaces of the other two windows while up there.  I'll check them as well.  Down to less than half the paint.  Yeah, I'll be getting more.  I have five full windows and two partials left.  I'll try to use what I have before going, get more when I return.

Perhaps shopping, definitely housework.  I'll try to get everything, well priority tasks, done before I go.  Ah, cat litter and food.  Fasting was to begin today, tomorrow through Monday since I have had dinner.  Might have something else yet tonight.  Packing this weekend, and cleaning out the car.  Oil change, tire rotation, and outside and inside cleaning Monday or Tuesday.  I may be done with painting, actually.  For now.

So hot.  Still 78 F, inside.  Lower 70's outside, last I looked.  Almost used to it if I can't do much in it.  Later.

Mistake.

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There comes a time in life where, if you have no connections, you... are done, socially.  Running into it, like a clear glass wall, is sometimes the only way to realize it.  Still, I got out for once.  I'm not worried about feelings, for now.  They will be sorted in time, just not now.  I have things to do.  My guess is, though, even if you have connections, at some point... even those fade.  If you can't keep up, the world says, don't step up.  My mistake.  I won't make it again.  Some of us are less welcome.  The price for some things, if in truth, at some point, one becomes a burden regardless.  I've been that for most of my life now.  I've tried the options.  Even final ones failed.  Now I am cemented into an imperfect life by a true faith.  Deep, severe, humility must be the goal?  Amen.

I have a small list to get.  I woke early to be at an event, shaving and showering first.  Too early and hot to paint yet.   Still a bit too sleepy as well.  Price checking some things, other things I know are poorly priced at amazon.  For some random items, they really jack the prices.  I wish they had a price comparison tool, across all vendors, by appropriate measures.  Sometimes they push the overpricing vendor.  Sometimes they are all ridiculously overpriced.  Thankfully there are still options. To town.

Pretty hot out there.  I am hoping to get the dormers tonight.  Hmm.  Maybe I'll sack out for a bit, back in the ac, be up to paint, then shop later.  Yeah.  Too hot.  Later.

Things sorted.

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I think I set it all up correctly.  One more batch of milk, the rest as they see fit.  Paid up for next month, and the boss for this last month.  Instructions were given for the care and feeding of cats and cave.  He knows the watering, it's the cats that required more info.  He had other things to do, but returned in the evening for driving lessons.

He had a good idea regarding the duck shed as well... screen inner door.  I asked about predators, he said not at night.  After I thought to make it an half door.  However... how about a shorter day door and an added majority upper detached door, so I could get in for cleaning, feeding, and eventual egg collection (when they need to stay in there)?  Could then be totally fenced at night, with good airflow?  Even sometimes in winter.  Maybe.

Driving is improving.  The second run up the hill, and learning downhill... which is easier.  It'll take a while.  I am not remembering, it's total relearning.  There may or may not be one more lesson.  Better, just not an overnight thing, as I had hoped.  Was hoping there might be something left.  When I return I may begin, very slowly, looking for a good Jap-Amer stick, low miles, high mpg, if older... gotta pass inspections and not leak oil.  Yeah, and gold accouterments you say?  See, you DO know!

I may offer him an extra target for extra dollars, if he has the time.  Easy (at least looking) gold has an... allure.  If he has risk-taking traits, as I suspect, he might try for the gold.  Temptations, but good ones.  I really... devil's advocate... changed sides.  He... Satan... isn't a devil though.  Another of his lies.  Demons literally cannot help themselves.  -  Odd, or really not... Google blogger spell finisher?  Won't finish the word "demon"!  Devil?  Sort of, or twice during spelling including after all but the "l", but not demon.  Talk about knowing one's master, and abiding his plans.  -  Same gag, different gig, and venue.  Trust me, don't trust me, if you don't have faith.  *grins*

It was too late to paint.  No worries, I'll get it done before I go.  Later.

Hmph, you never know.

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I was starting to slip.  Laundry was cycled, one should be dry, the last will go into the dryer.  Dishes are rinsing.  I got the shower.  No shave, fading.  In skipping the shower I salvaged the trip to the post.  A special prize waited.  A good print of the Douay-Rheims and Vulgate, side by side.  Fodder for Latin, this winter probably.  Can't do it in summer, work season, what I can do, but all I can do, at least without ac.

It's already 77 in here, at not quite 11:00.  I will make a call, check some things.  I canceled eggs, need to cancel milk, starting tomorrow.  Already paid.  Don't want to short the farmer.  Perhaps she knows someone who would like to try it.  Also curious if the boss was ill or busy.  Or forgot lessons.  Well, maybe get milk tomorrow, to take in a cooler, with eggs?  Yeah.  Still... arrangements and checking.

Up at least a bit more.  Might try to push longer.  Packages arriving, and just an attempt to claim more of the day and finish a few chores.  Ah!  Figured out why it's so warm so early.  The fan in the front room is on.  It's only 73 out there.  That is backwards.  Easy fix.  Good morning and day.

Maybe not as I would have had it.

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I really wanted to paint.  Not so much an ego, as completion, thing.  Sometimes it just doesn't go as planned, hoped.  For a while I wasn't sure anything would get done.  The main part of the cave has dropped into 73, the front room to 69!  I went ahead and closed everything up, in case I crash.

Could not so did not.

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Too hot, so it seemed to me, until not only too dark but, really, too late.  It's just past 2:00, hitting 55 F range outside, while stubbornly staying at 76.6 in here.  Fans make it seem cooler.  If it feels artificially cooler.  Perhaps I just wasn't really ready for work tonight.  Or maybe it was simply hotter, enough to throw me.

I won't call it a complete wipe, not yet.  I am holding out for domestics, as it cools, if it cools?  A few loads of laundry, dishes are going, and finishing the bathroom.  More, if possible.  Really hitting the kitchen would be good too.  I'll know more soon.  Still warm, and I am feeling it.

The watering timer?  Shot.  Doesn't maintain hour or day.  It's hopelessly lost.  Will see about a return or warranty, if...  Well, I will look into it.  If the product is good, warranties are good.  If it's a bad product, they already know and killed the lights while hitting the door, with your money.  I'll need to get my four way splitter back.  Uhmhm.

I'd like to eat.  I don't have much to choose from.  Cooking doesn't sound fun quite yet.  I'll thaw burger.  That will take up enough time to cool the place.  I'll change bedding on the way, toss that in as the first load.  Responsive music seemed more mellow today... if that is what it is.

Well, on to chilling in hopes of real cooling then work.  Later.

I don't quite get it.

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Ya.  Sure.  I can psychically steamroll, if I see the need, from archangels down.  Check.  Still, I think I have been rather... mild? lately?  Milquetoast?  At the very least, mild.  The feedback though!  You'd think I suggested something pointed, true, and invisible until I pointed it out, irrefutably.  That can't be the case.  Though... it is women, not a woman, who are... writhing, gnashing teeth, and all.  I can... sense pain, yeah.  Not hatefully, at least, just hurt?  Odd.

Awake early.

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A lot earlier.  I went to bed a little earlier.  I think because it cooled off earlier?  It is only in the mid 80's out there now, in early afternoon.  But it felt muggy?  I just woke, so sensations aren't always to be trusted.  Sleep seemed pretty good, with a minor nightmare... a deer in the road, one of those winding roads.  A cliff without a guard rail to my right, two-way two lane road with a blind curve immediately ahead and behind... I know the place, up Logan Canyon.

I couldn't stop or steer away.  I simply had to slow as much as possible and take the hit.  It isn't premonitional.  My friend, who died some time back, was with me.  And had quite feared I would swerve.  I told him, he being on the outside, I had certainly considered it.  His eyes grew big and almost fearful in an odd moment, until I burst out laughing.  He joined a few seconds later.  Mostly.  He really wasn't always... sure about me.

Good thing I didn't go into the oncoming lane.  A fully loaded semi popped around the corner, blaring it's horn as it finished off the beast, or so I suspected.  I worried, for a moment, that driver was going to come into my lane.  When passed, and the danger was over, I had my own nervous little spell of chuckles.  Not a horrible dream, just... tight.  And it kept reviewing the choicer parts, as if to see if something wrong could still be elicited.  I refused to let 'history' be changed.

I couldn't stop and do anything... double blind, at highway speeds.  But at the next letoff, to the side of the road, I called it in.  A rough place to have a deer carcass.  Checked the damage.  None, really.  I must have slowed more than I thought.  Then, as mentioned, the dream rewound, several times, back to the choicest bits.

My mother called this morning.  I called back but she is busy.  All good.  At least we both know.  The ladder is set up for painting this afternoon or early evening.  There remains only one window needing a first coat.  I will do that first in hopes that it will be dry enough to do a second coat before the night is finished.  I would like to finish the dormers tonight, and the two lower windows.  I won't be doing a complete painting with the second coats, just the facings and any missed nooks.  Getting there.  I would also like to start the chainsaw, let it run for just a bit.

The work, little as it is, has been beefing me up.  Calves and arms are hardening.  It feels good.  If someone could manage the stupid house stuff, I could get some real work done.  I love working on the house, trees, mechanical, and suchlike.  Always tripping on the dishes, food, and such.

Neurosis.

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God bless them.  Born of, to, it.  And, yet, sometimes, they build a life out of it.  One swell enough for two, to start.  Yeah, I... I...  Well, I... hope.

Oh, just a little thing.

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I wanted to see if I had mojo.  So I went out, broke the ladder down, from extension to folding, moved it to where I would next need it, sized it for the specifics, and... that was that.  It wasn't terrible, I simply didn't, don't, have more for that sort of work.  I am thawing more burger for something.  Meat crumble, some for with beans, some to be used in an egg casserole.  It's what I have.

I have slowly been buying parts for watering, while mostly keeping up on that chore.  A timer, if that may not work out, to quick disconnect fittings, various sprinklers to try, extra hose, and more.  I think I have what I need and want.  Perhaps, as I sort what works, obtaining spare parts or whole units might be good.  It seems as if, when a company, by accident(?), creates a good product they then stop making it.

I am hoping to get back to laundry, starting with bedding, then on to dishes.  Perhaps other minor work, like cleaning the bathroom.  Who knows.  I may just rest.  I may not have a choice.

The replies I receive, music for music...  I think... at least lately... has been... pleasing.  Some bird or birds are cheery about some of it.  Goodie.  Later.

Sleep was fantastic.

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Work grants the finest sleep, unless I overeat of body or mind through it.  There are, that is, limits.  My limits are a bit more severe.  Still, I can get things done.  Not sure about tonight.  I would like to paint the dormers and lower windows.  Not sure that will happen.  While it is cooler, it seems as if it may have rained.  That mostly just made it humid.  As well, even with a good rest, my body is a bit worn.

Another dream... my last love, with me on a road trip.  Visiting relatives on my side.  Usually it isn't a problem, but this time they had other other company.  No room.  No worries.  We went looking for a place to stay.  A bit... excited to find a place.  Both of us feeling frisky.  The first place was full, some local event, but the deskman knew of a place.  Excited, not rushed.  A very fine time.  It was going to happen and be quite good.

I'll finish waking, do music and gaming, then see what I can get started, finished.

That was it.

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Watering was the last I could do.  A meal was made, then... drifting.  Sometimes that opens doors which opens other things.  So it was.

Troubles, as usual.

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The water timer is messed up.  Of course, tinkering while it is in play messes things up.  Getting valves to close when open, and the like, is tricky.  It should have a simple close switch, by valve, and an all close button.  Not well designed, too complicated, and I am beginning to think it doesn't work as claimed.  I'll know more shortly.  For tonight I will do it manually.

A storm passed through.  The paint needs two hours.  I think it got it.  I hope.  It wasn't much rain, enough to make everything look wet,not enough to water anything.  I am surprised we got any rain.  I don't expect it this time of year at all.  Even August doesn't get much rain.  Or, as I recall events.

One more run, after switching sprinkler locations in the front yard, and that is that.  Running all a bit longer because I think I failed to water last time.  Double time doesn't work well, but a little extra does help.  I'll see if Wednesday works as it should.  Had trouble getting things to work right.  Might tinker with it when it is day and I am not trying to make it work while it is running.  The time and day were off though.  Perhaps someone else was messing with it, or it doesn't work, as suggested.

Well...

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Showered and shaved, in that order as it turns out.  I used the single blade safety razor this and last time.  I think it actually works better and is easier on the face.  So what is the double blade razor good for?  Skill training and using machismo to get you over fear of such razors.  I can whip the single blade razor around like a pro, without a nick.

As to painting...  It was still 75ish F when I thought to go out, inside and outside.  And the wind was nasty.  Up I went.  I finished all but the dormer on th roof, first coats.  I just... I was done with the ladder and climbing for the night.  The last window should be easy.  As well, a second coat for the other windows up there while at it.  I am surprised I got through the more difficult windows.

I am hoping help arrives, for the final coat on the ladder required upper windows.  Doing half, with help with the ladder... cake.  The other windows are easy enough to solo.

Next, to get watering set up, check how or if certain arrangements work, tinker it to the best, or only viable, configuration.  After a rest.  The ladder is a transformer, extension to folding, up to 30 feet?  More?  Able to handle 350 pounds, extended, I think.  I weighed... more when I bought it.  It's a monster to move, especially when two thirds extended, in wind, with gusts.   A bit foolish but done.

A break, then back to things.  Ugh.  Later.

Up and about to shove through.

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A shower and shave first, opposite order.  Then to painting, right as fast as I can.  The goal is the window on the roof, two upper windows on the sides, and the last lower window.  I might run out of light, so I'll save the the roof window for last.  It is the only window I have access to power for the light(s).  Did I mention?  I found the bulbs for the lanterns.  Hmm, may have to buy (another, since the other longer one was stolen... expensive!) three prong extension cord, if 50 feet is about as long as they work for heavier applications... in my stretched at that price price range.  Or, last I looked.

As well, I want to set up automatic watering.  It will give me a while to see how well it works, then figure out arrangements, as to placements, so as to leave explicit instructions.  Less work, more frequent though.  If I get that, then maybe the bathroom and where else I left off.  I'd best get going.  Hot or not, I plan to push through.  Later.

No work.

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Couldn't.  Just... couldn't.  I had a good dinner.  Some of the best tomato meat sauce for spaghetti I've made in a long time.  The only thing missing was a few anchovies mashed in olive oil, them mixed into the sauce.  A very good dinner though.

It would be good, if risky, to paint.  Overcast, but sprinkling, at least a bit earlier.  Hold that cool for later!  I just can't.  Perhaps later.

Often I fear trying new songs.  Some just... don't do anything, but many annoy, in one to a hundred ways.  Still, sometimes, I take that chance.  Opening my heart to more beautiful wounds.  And, yet, the pain is all that is holding me together and upright.  It might as well be beautiful and honest.  As well, I have some tender wounds to share.

Good morning, day, and night, Bane, Desert Cat, darkfoam, and Jean.

More.

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Not much more, or yet.  I did get the last window sanded.  I am ready to paint at will.  I believe I will be hitting the unpainted windows first.  Thinking on things, I am beginning to suspect I will need an extra gallon.  Which is fine.  I ran out of light by the time I started, to do more.  Could I have started earlier?  By temp, probably.  Not by readiness. Which is part of why I am trying to beef up before I go to my mother's.  I want to be in better shape for there.  Though, with house ac, and regular food, even with humidity, it should be easier.  It doesn't hurt to get ready though.

Hmm? Oh, right.

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Such strange dreams, again.  As an analogy, imagine walking into an aviary at night, while all are asleep.  Mkay?  Then dropping your flashlight, both making noise and triggering from spot to daylight-like lantern mode.  Mkay?  The cacophony that could erupt?  That... you... I am causing, then sensing, a disturbance in the force.  At times, I infuriate women.  Other times it is men.  Sometimes it is both.  Sometimes I loose them, one sex, or even individual, upon the others.  I... don't do, with intent, I'll remind you, I just... do.  Or, at this time.  I really did this time.  I am receiving a flood of conflicting spots of dreams and thoughts.  I touched a nerve (bundle), or dozen, on every side.  War has been loosed.  You ought to see when I try.  The truth will set you free.