That rain is COLD!

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Rabbits, finally.  Just able to do chores once a day.  Though it is enough.  The second set is, mostly, just obsessing.  Even so, when I can, I do.  I just... like to be a little homesteader.  Having concerns, not of myself, are good.  As well, if just animals, being of service is good.  It isn't much, it is what I can do.  Trust me, if I could do more, I would.

Oh, the opportunity came and went, without a word.  No denial, no counter off, nothing.  So be it.  It... was probably far beyond me.  True.  Still, I... I don't know what I was thinking.  As a man ages, and gets to a point, which I was beyond decades ago through illness, the doings and works of younger men shouldn't still be a draw, but they are.  Age, too, has stolen anything possible.  At this point, it is double duty denial of access.  Still... I... I asked.

The rain out there was bitter cold.  It was just sprinkling, so I thought I would run and do it.  And, it'll work.  But, next time, I will look for a rain slicker or sich.  Doing one run a day means about half are ending up dry.  The thing about checking twice a day is they never actually run out of food or water.  I'm not sure that is a good thing, actually.  I don't know.  I don't know what I am doing.  I do my best, learn as I go, and... that is that.

It is 52 outside.  It had dropped, when the storms arrived, to 47... even in the day.  I think it was that cool even earlier today?  Certainly yesterday and the day before.  I... can't remember how long this has been here.  Two days?  Three?  It came in warm, but turned quickly.  Wednesday night was about 54 to 56, and was so out and when I returned.  The next day, I think, is when it went down to 47 and stayed that way until today... day and night.  It was stable at that low.  At least here, and every time I checked.

As well, rain.  I am impressed with how much rain we have received.  Some days it has rained heavily, off but mostly on, all day.  Today it seems mostly sprinkling, but for hours.  It really adds up.  The feed bowls had two inches?  Perhaps.  And that was from being dry when I fed them earlier.  Mostly just a heavy sprinkle, but pretty much all day by the sounds of it... not sprinkling when I fed the ducks the first time.

I called my mother.  Late for her birthday, but... it's what I could do.  She understands.  She is in rough shape too.  Not feeling well.  We had a bit of a talk.  I am worried about her.  She has never been... as bad as me.  I hope this is temporary.  I then called my brother, but he didn't answer.  They have a busy house.  Tuckered out, busy with that, a late dinner, a family drama... who knows.  Or... just... not willing to talk.  Perhaps not able.  He is in a spot, himself, physically.  Life, and age, are brutal on folk.

Hey, prayers.  I suggested we pray, to my mother.  It seems not much, but it is.  Will it change anything substantially?  A mind, and heart, if so willed.  So... yes.  We all have to suffer.  We all have to die.  Might as well find comfort and truth, and beauty, in these things.  Rather than run from shadows, especially ones which end up offering gifts, in our troubled reality.  Amen.

A coffee, to warm.  Maybe tea in a bit.  Gaming, when I can focus.  I am not sure the systems in the game work, or still work as they did.  Or the people offering the "recipes" aren't given all the details.  Though, yt is infamous for fakery.  How much you see on there which isn't true is the vast majority?  It seems that way, some days.  It's just... entertainment?  Maybe.  

Though, who knows, maybe the game devs don't want things to be just set out, so cull the good videos and makers.  Why?  To try to force people to do it themselves.  On some things, I'd just rather not.  Or... not unless I found things work, and thought about a project I'd like to try.  No reason to get too into their logics, if they keep busting them or changing them, so that keeping up becomes impossible.  Clever by twice for their own good?  Or is yt just complete garbage these days?  Much like politics, media, the economy, and else?  Frauds, all, perhaps.

Well, on to... something.  Good evening and day.

Born to wakefulness, but sideways.

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The game is eating me, and spitting me out, like the whale did Jonah.  Sacrificed, as it were, but not completely forsaken.  It was for not doing what God had given him to do, to preach to the wicked, in a foreign land, among enemies of his people?  Right.  Well, God hasn't given me a task.  He has merely, seemingly, barred my way to death.

I... have asked why, so many times.  Why not let me go?  Perhaps, at once, it was in order to give me one more chance.  Not at doing something.  I honestly can't work.  But at redeeming my soul.  Or gaining one.  I have done that as well as I am able.  I do not attend church regularly, but I am not able to do that any more than I am able to work.

You have no idea how thin this life is.  I think, if you could handle, and would bother, being near, you can see through the veil of tears, through me.  So very thin.  Some things I know not to worry about.  If it doesn't endanger the soul, I am not going to worry about it.  Though, what imperils your soul may not be the same.  It depends on your weaknesses.

I... can't remember when I went to bed.  Or... how long I was awake yesterday.  Or when I got up the last time I woke.  I do know, since the last time I ate, before the drive, I have only had one can of sardines since.  I think the last day we went was Wednesday.  It was too cold Thursday, at 47 during the day, and raining too.  What day is it?  Saturday?  Wow.  That game is eating me.

I still don't know what I am doing in the game.  I am having to look up everything.  How to trigger tnt, recipes for everything, and systems for automation.  Which, the latter, don't usually work.  Every time they update the game, they break something else.  Even the most recent recipes, for the recent build, don't work.  I assume updates and bug fixes have unintended, or maybe intended, consequences.  They need to go back to building, checking, and then leaving the game.  Maybe a few bug fixes, in one or two updates.  Not this running, permanent, update thing.

It seemed warm, this morning.  It was only 70, upstairs.  But I didn't have a fan on.  A fan... makes sleep easier, and is cooling.  Still, I think the body warms when waking, and it was about that time.  I didn't, again, have even a single air conditioner on, nor even a fan.  I was cold when I went to bed.

I fed and watered the cats first, then the ducks.  Oh, those are some seriously hungry critters.  Now posting.  It is 70 in the rest of the house, front to back, and 70 outside.  Sometimes that is cold.  Sometimes, like right now, it is just about perfect.  Once I acclimated to it, and it stopped raining, 70 became okay.  Overcast, still, outside.  It went from the 90s to the high 40s overnight, then stayed that, outside, for a couple of days.  That, and gaming, ate me.

At least I wasn't just sleeping, which would normally have been the case.  I would have crashed, if not for the game.  As it, I crashed into the game.  Not sure I am holding on to anything I am learning.  My body would be sleeping if it could.  My mind is enthralled.  All the learning potential.

Ah... I may have to see if anyone has crafted a vid on the mechanics of the game construction systems.  Okay, I have the switch down, but there are other components.  If I understand how they work, what they do, I can possibly rig my own systems.  That may be the better way of doing things.  Though, maybe, the devs have scrapped construction.  Who knows.  Our "elites" don't want us thinking, these days.  Clever, knowledgeable, engaged, is considered bad.  For them it probably is, or will be.

Well, the coffee should be ready.  I'll have that, wake a bit on here, game a bit, then get the rabbits.  They are pretty well set up, but... I still like to check.  Later.

Raining like there is no tomorrow.

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Even with the water we had been getting, there really wasn't much actually hitting.  It seemed to rain, but didn't.  I think, mostly, it evaporated.  Never raining quite enough to do much.  Today it rained.  A week of rain in a day, or more.  Some places may have flooding, though not really close.

And cold.  It is 68 in this front room, 71 in the main rooms.  It was 70 upstairs, without the ac's.  I turned the one which had been on, off.  Just a fan, for some fresh air, and just inside the room.  All windows shut.  It is 47 out there.  It can get this cool in August?  Yeah, fairly often.  Just not... it has definitely been one of the coolest months to my memory.  It is acting more like September or October even.

I don't have much to eat.  Not in the mood for sardines.  Cream cheese, rolled in deli roast beef, and a cup of coffee or two.  Or coffee, then tea.  Who knows what mood will request.

Chores were done some time back.  The critters were hungry.  I am going to have to figure out a way to keep their bowls dry.  Rain, like this, is so rare I don't usually think about it.  Every time I was to go out, it was storming.  I need to find my, one of my, rain coats.  It's just too brutal cold in that wet.

I have been enjoying Minecraft.  So much to learn, though.  I know someone who plays it, but I missed him today.  Sleep was just...  I'm playing to death, sort of.  It has been so long since I played a game I really liked.  Between that, and the cold, I think I'm over a barrel.  Still, I'll do what I can.

Be well.

Opportunity.

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Not offered.  Definitely not sure.  No other details, even if successful.  Only... a request on my part.  Reasonable?  What is reasonable?  Risky?  Is there anything I might try which wouldn't be at some risk?  How much is life worth?  And... who wants to live forever?

So... the query is sent, through another.  If there is need, but no one is available, is a nobody worth the risk, on the other side?  I can't say.  Over the course of the evening, a planned a negotiated offering which is the best that I can offer.  Beyond that, it is not in my hands.

As I said, this will all that will be said about that the further.  If it goes forth, or goes away, so be it.

Warm out tonight.  A small storm blew through.  Some rain, mostly sprinkling.  Some wind, mostly light.  It went through so fast that very little was entertained.  It didn't even cool all that much.  So it goes, from time to time.  I will open things up, and make do with what is offered.

Chores in a bit.  Then?  Who knows.  A bit of tinkering in the new game.  I finally sorted some things out.  But there is so much to learn.  And remember.  So many things to track.  Resource management is as much a part of survival as combat.  Actually, if you can shoot past a few things, survival may become as irrelevant as you wish it to be.  At least, for a while.  Never mind, if you don't understand those types of games.  Just understand that technique and knowhow can allow a form of 'easy mode', regardless of which type of mode you are actually playing.

I did get out to help a bit earlier this evening.  Oddly, I found standing around the more difficult part.  If I can stay lightly busy, I can forget that I am tired, for a while.  But, standing and talking and... I weary quickly.  Still, I did get a bit done.  Very little bit.  But... it was... something.  Work kept getting interrupted.

Out for the drive tonight.  Just a typical run.  Almost seemed we would be rained out.  They are being a bit more careful, as West Nile virus has been found in a local mosquito... beside removing, they capture and test for various diseases, this being the more serious of them.

Hmm... yeah...  I need to relax just a bit before chores.  I may feed the cats, tending their litter first.  Later.

A new tact.

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My various attempts at getting things going haven't been working.  Brute force, directed simple will, gentle guidance, even attempting to just wait for solid windows of opportunity while being as ready as possible... nothing has worked in a forward direction.  You have no idea the patience I have gained working with an indifferent body.

I'm not even sure it doesn't care.  It simply isn't able to engage.  Something is wrong, of flesh, neuro, or other I can't be certain.  I speculate that it is mostly a thing of flesh.  Something, in there, does not work.  There is a disconnect between the will, even fleshly will, and the ability of the flesh to act.

I would also say, having truly been physically dead has had an additional affect, or set of them.  Especially how... why... I... it... died.  At this point, beating a dead horse won't work.  Nor, it seems, will any of my efforts, currently.  It might, currently, be the heat.  For while I have become accustomed to it, so that 85 isn't too much... at least in the shade... it may be keeping me down.

Still, I do not wish to... just sit.  I am trying to figure a way to get the body and will to reconnect.  As mentioned, due to it yet being high summer, that may not be possible.  And the direct, forward, ways haven't been working.  So?  So I am taking a two steps back approach.  A game.

I have worn out the games I have.  So I went looking for an inexpensive, potentially highly immersive, game which could be played solo.  I may have found it... 'Minecraft'.  I downloaded it last night, set it up, and began playing.  Played a little longer than anticipated.

I did enough review, I had a good idea what I needed to do, right away.  However, knowing what to do is not the same as knowing how to do it.  I kept trying to sort it out, and failing.  Well, but, yeah.  So, I was up to nearly six.  If, too, I had been trying to get the house to cool.  It was 62 out there, though it probably crept cooler, and it just would not budge in here!  It stayed 75 right until I crashed and burned.  Bleh.  Upstairs was down to 71 or 72, however.  Allowing me to sleep well.

No dreamstorms last night, to my recall.  And sleep was handsomely pleasant.  Awake some short time after noon.  The girls have been fed.  I'll do chores when possible.  I showered yesterday so probably not today.  Gaming, but too... with an eye to sneak in work.  I'd like to clean the bathroom, down to the grout.  Theory, but hope too.

On to gaming.  I'll... I'd like to make some calls.  I'm just not quite up to talking, yet, today.  Still a bit groggy.  The game might end up pushing me beyond myself, at which time I may begin to grab hold of life again.  It's... it happens.  But, it is a one step back, two steps forward, sort of thing.  Not direct, this.  And fraught with perils of it's own.  But nothing else was working.

Good afternoon and day.  God's speed and will be with you.  Amen.

Quitter.

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How long has it been since I used tobacco?  Had a beer?  I remember how long it has been since I've been with a woman.  That one... still hurts.  It's been more years since the last than the others, by far.  Even so, as mentioned, it is what is missed the most.  I get a hankering, from time to time, for the last.  Not usually for the others.

Though, sometimes, I remember a time when I did consume one of the others, usually heavier together.  When I remember the time, too, I remember the hunger.  If remembering a time when drinking, I may reach out, absently, for my mug... or a plug of tobacco, pipe, cigar, cigarette, or else.  As often, I would dose tobacco, then have a sip.  Still, very rare.  And without any cravings after, oddly.

I am surprised I don't dream of these things.  I have been using tobacco sine... 1978, maybe earlier.  Started with cigarettes, went to chewing tobacco.  It was easier to hide.  I quit, say, in 2015 or 2016?  Give or take.  Once I quit, and no one around me used, it was easy.  I never looked back.  Did use the patch, and as long as I felt it was needed.  It really did become unnecessary and fell out of use.  I think, when they push it, they do damage to the process.  It makes me wonder if they are trying to keep people on these things.

Alcohol?  I pretty much did that cold turkey.  I have had drinks since.  I tried vodka when stoved up by covid.  It worked, slightly, but then it too failed.  I did finish that bottle off, if gently.  Just sips, from time to time, well watered down.  Just didn't want to see it go to waste.  Doubted if a shot in a quart of coffee, from time to time, would hurt.  And it didn't.  Neither did I feel the need to hit it more, or after.  I was... curious.  Curiosity, I suspect, for some, may be quite dangerous.  I won't be testing it on a regular basis.  Only if some call to it arises, literally medicinally.  Would like to have a small smattering of long lasting bottles around.  Vodka can be used for else, and is mostly clean for keto... if it will stop ketosis for a few days.

Anyway.  Yea.  It's been a bit of a process.  Far easier than I thought it might be.  So many changes.  Still, wouldn't mind a woman around.  But only rightly.  Not sure women are all that patient.  Odd how the shoe changes feet as time passes, in many ways.  Oh well.  

As to Afghanistan?  I honestly wonder if 'the big guy' got a cut for embarrassing America, more for botching enough to probably leave American and allied hostages for the Taliban.  I could see him taking money and favors, or some other setaside, kickback, or other graft, bribe, or payoff, to do what he did.  This was absolutely intentional.  

As for the Americans left there?  They weren't generally good people.  Spies, thieves, cronies, and others trying to make it rich, somehow, on the war and worse in a foreign land.  The Christian converts, they are another matter.  I'll pray for those poor sobs.  And those few who were actual allies.  The Brits?  They... were there before, solo, a long time ago.  Should have known better just from that.  And to continue trusting America, when the election was stolen and power was given to a Chinese puppet?  Seriously?  Whatevs.  

Later, or good night.

Found?

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So I am told.  Still, until it is in my hand, I'll... hold off considering things one way or the other.  The wallet, that is.  I have been told it was in the truck, but haven't seen it with my own eyes.  There was some event which precluded my attendance this evening.  An event for which I know not the details.

My brother called today.  I missed it.  I was certain I had the phone with me.  I must have set it upstairs while changing.  I feel like a heel, sometimes.  I do my best.  My best just isn't always good enough.  There is always tomorrow, forgiveness, graces, and hope.

In some ways I am quite young.  But, physically, it is as if I were a hundred.  So thin, of spirit... or spirit through flesh.  I know what I want to do.  Sometimes I even know how to do it.  But, terribly, I have no means of enacting my will.  Like a child, or an old one, I simply... can't?  I... really think so.

When I can, I do.  It seems as if I am driving through life, and randomly come to a stop sign or stop light.  Only, the vehicle is self-driving.  Not only can I not force the vehicle onward, I can't exit the vehicle, or attempt other methods.  There are no options.  Truly, as if I was very very old, in odd ways.

This last week has seen me rather crippled.  Even chores have been brutal to get done.  Hot, cold, moderate, it just hasn't been mattering.  Thankfully, even if I have missed some checks, the animals have not gone thirsty.  And, generally, they haven't gone hungry either.  A few hours, perhaps.  I don't mind that.  That is better than I do for myself.

I keep trying to push.  There simply isn't anything to push off from, nor is there any energy by which to push should there be an edge, shelf, floor, or some other structure.  I get up to go do and end up sitting, as if I had never moved.  It could be worse.  

Minor, very small, aches and pains, sometimes.  But those are... a gift.  They remind me I am alive, and mostly awake.  The pain so gentle, a small joy to remember I am still here.  Still even exist.  Even the heat is a distant roar.  It hit 85, in this room, and I was chilled.  I... don't know what to do about it.

Nights of dreams, then echoes as daydreams through the day.  Remembrance through thought?  Rehashing?  Sorting?  My dreams, these days, are far more intricate than my living day is.  Daydreams too.  I do not understand how I can dream more acutely than I live?  An added bonus to dreaming.

Later, or good night.

Rough, but not as it might sound.

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Minor pains, back there, somewhere.  More numb, but even that isn't complete.  It isn't in that area where the difficulty lies.  I can't seem to do anything.  A few moments of effort completely take me down for hours.  It was food, for a while, back a bit.  But I have been sorting food out, to a degree.  Eating once a day.  Not the best food.  But, at some points, food is food.

I missed medicine Friday, for the first time in... months?  But I restarted Saturday.  Too late to take all the medicine, but I got the water pills in, offering relief quickly.  Back on it again today, first thing.  So easy to slip off medicine, especially when trying to find, say, a wallet.  And while having so little energy that all of it becomes invested in a, to now, fruitless search.

I will call, to see about obtaining a new drivers license.  I'm not sure what all would be required.  I will begin attempting to gather that, if I have it.  As well, I may see if my debit card has been used recently, put a stop to it if so.  I will need at least the driver license to obtain a new veteran card, which makes appointments and picking up medicine easier.

But, I will have to delay my visit for the blood work until I have my driver license.  Or... not.  I don't know.  I can't be sure when last I used the card, or where.  I just can't recall.  And, it might be in the truck?  Maybe, though doubtful.

Dreams, again, flooded my sleep last night.  Not so tiring this time.  What, where, when, who, I cannot, again, say.  Only many, of each.  Sleep was actually good in spite of it, restful.

The girls have had their litter tended.  Been keeping up on that fairly well.  And then been fed.  Rabbits next, then ducks.  Perhaps I can find something, a can of sardines?  Hmm...  Oh, I have ingredients to make a keto mug bread.  That and tuna might not be bad?  If... I can bother.  Later.

Some sort of calculus.

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I... keep seeing the numbers, formulas, variables, and constants tossed as if to say something.  Accuse?  Me?  Not... necessarily.  Though, they are saying they see something in what is written here.  I claim nothing, other than what I suggest, if even that, only according to the Author.

The devil?  A devil.  A good devil, bad?  Even if I choose, it isn't for me to say.

A peculiar day.

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It is 88 out there, 82 in this the front room, 77 in the main room, or so.  But, for being that warm it is rather cool.  Very strange.  I am enjoying it.  Overcast, if more of a haze, or smoke.  The sun burns through in a direct path, but is limited in the periphery.  So, cooler, all around.

I just called my mother.  She is still planning to be home this week.  They have a ~70 day.  I asked if she had gotten out, but they can't go out without a big tadoo and probably an escort.  So... she'll wait until she gets home.  She is... not exactly... keen on rules.  She follows them, but only because the time is short.  If she was stuck in there, they would eventually kill her, as they did my uncle.  Those who don't go along, get ganked.  It's the truth, no matter how rich they are... mostly.  Those who aren't rich will get dead, quickly.  Though that may be the truth almost no matter?

She sounded good.  Really good.  Still keeping her in my prayers, on this particular matter, until she is home.  She is in them elsewhere, in various places.  But, as with you, if you are ill or troubled or such, I add your difficulty to normal areas of prayer.  Mostly general, though keeping some of you in particular in mind.  He... knows.

I tried to call my brother.  He may have no interest in any previous plans.  I haven't heard from him in a while.  And he isn't answering calls lately.  Communication may be at an end, for his part.  It pertains to the vax.  It's just the way it may be.  Not much I  can do about it.  So be it, if that is the case.

Well... I don't know what else to do today.  Oh, rabbits.  Then some more sorting, to look for my wallet more.  Food would be good.  And a shower and shave, hopefully, yet today.  Ugh.  I'll... do what I can.  Later.

A bit late.

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To bed a score before one, or so.  Alarms were set for 08:00 and 10:00.  Awake, but not up, a bit before and after seven.  I did get the windows shut downstairs, to keep the cool in.  Cloudy, or hazy/smoky out there, and yet quite warm and early again.  Even so, and oddly, I suffered shifts of being too hot and too cold last night.

And dreams.  Dreams by the dozen it seemed.  Places I have been, places I have heard about, people I remember, people I don't, good, bad, and ugly.  It seemed every moment I wasn't fully or partly awake, I was dreaming of something, somewhere, someone, or some mix.  I remember almost nothing of them.  Though some of the dreams were... decades long?  Yea.  Not the longest of dreams I have had, but... so rarely do I dream multiple long dreams in one night.  Even a dream of ten years is, usually, a rare thing unto itself.

I just can't remember anything.  Some of them I brought back.  I would think about them, for a bit.  Then, before I could store, I'd be back in another one.  Totally different, in length, by it's nature, everything.  Sometimes I am the actor, sometimes merely an observer as with the Mayans the other night, sometimes a bit of both, some times a target, for good or ill.

I finally woke around 10:30?  Or so.  I turned off the 08:00 alarm, when I shut windows and else.  Then shut off the 10:00 alarm, after the first snooze.  Waking, anyway, at the given time, I think.  Ducks were fed and watered.  Rabbits are next.  Then the girls.  Perhaps myself.  Bleh.

Well, so be it.  I'll get to things, soon.  When I can.  So tired, even still.  The dreams, I just didn't seem to rest because of all the dreams.  Anyway... I'll get to a few things today.  Later.

Such strange things.

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Thoughts.  Brought by others, in video form.  Gifts, of a sort.

The old dog meme?  Yes.  I almost didn't watch.  Didn't seem right.