Zapped.

What an exhausting day. In spite of doing absolutely nothing, I have taken 4 naps so far. I could not keep my mind going, I could not reach critical intellectual mass to do anything (like homework), and I could not even keep my eyes open. My blood sugar, after a light breakfast and lunch, rose to 456 or so. It is still volatile. Though I will not complain about the rate of decline. I feel bruised, actually, internally. The wear and tear on my organs has not been small, though I think I will be fine. I will know better once my blood sugars are more in line with good health.

No, I am not going to see my doctor. When I see him next, or if his staff gets back to me about two other issues still outstanding with them, I will discuss arranging a blood test either soon or when I am next scheduled for an appointment. I just do not like being pressed to use insulin (and will not). I do not think there is much they may do to help me, in any case, other than to check and see if my bruised feeling organs are actually damaged (probably not though, I really am a tank of an ammortal). Think about it though, needing to urinate 5 times (a night), and a dozen (or two) a day, those organs (kidney, bladder, maybe liver?), for several weeks before I realized the train had derailed, did get a work out.

I finally broke down and put on a cup of fresh French Press French Roast (lovely stuff, but do pardon my French). It did work. With my need to get back on the homework train, and my need to do some shopping coffee may be on the menu, in the short run, toward those ends in spite of caffeine’s negatives (both blood pressure and blood sugar). I will be careful, two big cups a day max, but life is about trade-offs. Even if you do not realize it, you take risks every day for love, money, and fun. This is for all three, if you disagree, cool, put a prayer in G-mail. God is open 24/7. And, He has been quite forgiving, giving, and loving to me so far. Two plus Two, with Him, equals what it is supposed to, even if that is a healthy 24 or something.

Oh, I forgot the mention this yesterday. My lady friend called and wanted to go for dinner yesterday. While a loverly notion, I was, of course, at school. At least I was just in open study, not in class, so I took the call. I turn my cell off in class (church, meetings, with people I am enjoying time, unless something truly Vital is in play like during my Mum's surgery) in any case, so I would otherwise have missed it. She was sorry about not going Saturday, but really, it did not ring true. I think she was quite tired, she had cold fatigue, she (if she even did that) had a smaller event in mind, and I hope she rested up and maybe cleaned or organized in her rabbit warren. I have no difficulty with that, and will not place too much guilt on her for that (she does enough herself, sometimes, and more so if I let it go, odd that), I just note my frustration here. I would like to get together with the witch soon though. I miss seeing her, occasionally, and just talking with a pretty lady, and this one in particular. Liberal, true, but that is the usual natural price for being born with no droppers. Oh, though, there are some who have learned, exceptions are not rules.

Gee, I love digging holes. Dig, dig, dig, “ouch”. Yes, women do love to through rocks, especially if you dig too far. Though I have noted, they will then join you. Ha! Our male and female reality was my first proof that God has a dark, romantic, poetic, odd sense of humor. It is never stated, as with Him, it just Is.

Better. (Day 37 )

Incredible, to me anyway. From over 600, down to 492, now at 295, my blood sugar has corrected incredibly fast. Those are the reading for the last 3 days. Of course, no sugar has been consume, and regular meals have been on the menu. I probably have been eating less, as well. Mostly lollipops and snacks are what have been cut. I still have the munchies, really heavily. I have been using sugarless gum to help with that. I guess it will have to do.

I am not feeling a lot better yet. Some things are better, though, such as sleeping longer without needing to use the restroom, sleeping a whole night through, being able to stay awake all day, and a bit better concentration. None of it is perfect, or "normal" again yet, but it is better. That blood sugar is resting (no food or water over my sleep period). Each meal takes it up, 20 to even 40 points. Still, when it gets back in line, I am hoping life will ease quite a lot. Then, of course, I will have some catching up to do, both regarding school work and life issues.

I spoke with my lab partner last night. He is behind in the homework. He indicates that he understands the material, but that he just has not had the time to do it. I indicated I would put in as much time as I could. And, that I really wanted to get a handle on the material. I suggested that even talking this out to a rock which offers nothing back, it might not be a complete wash for him, if that is all I can offer at times. At least he got a chuckle from that. Sometimes it works that way for me, though usually, once I get going, I can help understandings a great deal for any study partner.

I am not sure what all I need to do today, so I best get to waking up and get going on it.

A few things completed, but it looks pretty ugly.

I did get in to reconciliation today. However, I had intended to make it to church in the lead up to the event. I believe the priest I had spoken with also expected this. I did not realize it snowed, so gave myself only a normal amount of time to get to church. Though, perhaps it is just how bad the roads are anyway, even without the newer snow, but whatever the case, I could not get there in time, not even really close, so I waited to contact him afterward. Not well played, but it is done.

After this, I headed to school. My instructor worked a bit of the material with me. I did what I could, then he would help, and so forth. I will need a lot of work. My test was a little less than average. I think my weakness in this class is physics. I do not have it. I also do not have a general feel for electronics. I think many in the class do have that feel, and often, some practical experience. I will really have to figure out how to dig in, diabetes or no. Class went as well as it will, and we had our first lab tonight. Nothing went well, really. I have been exhausted since heading to class. I would almost have given anything for a few days to sleep.

Unfortunately, I have no tine to sleep. I have a good deal of homework to do, a lab write-up, a class project, and bits and pieces of other necessities to attend. I am not sure how well this will go, but I will do what I can. I already am pushing it, and I might have to really shove to get back on track. I am about to have dinner, then head to bed. I am just too tired to do anything else. I am only even having dinner because I am extremely hungry and I think it would be wise to eat more properly for a while, at least until my blood sugar is normalized, otherwise my need for sleep would win either of those alone.

An early wake up and a new way.

I slept well, going to bed around 20:00 and waking about 6:43 (all my clocks and my watch disagree, it motivates and… I never have been able to keep them exactly in congruence). I did need to use the bathroom many times last night, though I feel somewhat rested. My guess is, I did not get the sleep I needed, and that will make it sort of a junky day. Still, I have quite a few things to do. I must go to church today, then to… they do not prefer we call it confession anymore, but that is all I can remember of a term for it. Then, I need to rush up to school and see if my instructor has time to work with me on the material. He has indicated an interest, though the early part of the time available clashes with my church activities. Does it seem to anyone else as if when a time is free, and someone puts a claim to it, everyone else seems to want that same time slot? Oh well, it will work out.

I checked my blood sugar this morning. At 492, it is at least readable. I mean to see if there are suggestions, other than just avoiding sugar, which might help lower that count. I am hoping to find something that might actually flush the junk. Though, I need to be careful. Part of the reason I quit using insulin was due to the fact that it was dropping my blood sugar far too low, down into the 50’s, maybe high 40’s. I knew right out that those numbers were serious.

I will not be able to ski today, I believe. I will have to do so tomorrow. That is no real bother though, and perhaps I can more clearly decide then find where I want to ski here in this area. I am just itching to get at it, now that I have the equipment. Considering it costs $15 per day, or $30 for M-F, I decided to rent them for M-F. But the only real way to profit from that strongly, is to use them more than twice in that time. So, I have a goal of actually skiing every day, that, my friend, is called capitalism. And, it works. Skiing every day saves me $45 from the next lowest price, that of $15 per day. The weekly rental ($60), used daily, only saves the same $45 dollars, so it loses economy over the period. As well, weekends are not the greatest time to be skiing, so many others get out that the ski areas must be clogged. This is a very vibrant community, and people do take advantage of what is available to them. Good, bad, a little of both, but I tend to like the idea, if not all of the realities.

I had best get things on the road. Clean teeth will start it off, breakfast to follow, then… I am not quite that awake yet. But, it will be a busy day, to be sure. Oh… I will be buying a study bible, a concordance, both, or something. I need to get my scriptures set for my speech. And anyway, I need those items. Yeah, I am going broker and broker, and it might put things off, but, se la vie! Ok, I should not be so cavalier, but how can one not be when riding the avalanche that is life, and understanding it as such? Have a great day, and ride that reality storm like you knew what you are doing! Heck, do a flip, it really does not matter. Ha!

I think I did it all, or pretty close.

Let us see. I upgraded my phone, got water, rented the skis, even checked out a local ski area (could not get back to it though, it looked like a water main had broken, and they were finishing up the repairs, which closed off the two lane road back to the area, if I was in the right place, anyway), I called my priest and I have arranged an appointment with him tomorrow afternoon, and the rest, I believe. It took me all day to get everything done. Everyone moves so slowly. The cell phone upgrade took at least two, and probably pushing into three hours to complete. It seemed insane, but I could tell it was not the young woman working with me who was holding things up (?). Their system seemed to be very slow tonight, then again, it is always slow. I cannot believe how much I got done today, though I am quite tired. I am charging the phone, and will play with it tomorrow, if I can concentrate.

I purchased the BlackBerry 8030, I think. The Pearl is smaller (a minus for my hand size anyway) and I did not like how it types. As well, the one I purchased is the only one which may be fitted for international travel. I asked if it would handle MS documents, and was told yes, probably, for a fee. I will have to check into that. I have 30 days to return it, no questions asked. A $400 phone for $100 dollars, and one I could really use if it all works out, I can deal with that. My old phone seemed to be a half step into the techno grave, battery time was slipping and the calendar alarms and messages did not always ring through. Plus, Verizon has changed, they no longer extend the contract for all phones when just one is changed. If they tried that this time, I was not only going to back out, I was going to cancel Verizon.

I just had a bite to eat, otherwise I would check my blood sugar. I will check it in about two hours. I wonder how fast I can bring it down this time. I will not go in and ask for insulin again, so it might take a bit longer. Hrmph! It will get down or not. Though tired, and without the ability to focus very well, I am actually feeling fine. Goodnight.

Quite a bit done, a few things left to do (many things, actually), the whole time sky high.

I finally got off my duff today and went into the wild. Rocky now has 8 little friends. My blood sugar device has a new battery and is set up. I probably will get over to the ski rental place. I was near the business, then I freaked. I thought, what if $15 dollars is just for the skis, with boots, poles, and who knows what else as extra. I know I called before, but as I remember it, I only asked about “ski rental”. Business do not always offer more information than what is asked. It is sometimes a trick, sometimes it is a 16 years old answering the call, with no clue about connections or ultimate costs, values, and such. After checking, it is indeed just $15 for the whole thing. I have been to the grocery store, picking up almost everything. I forgot to bring my empty jugs for water refills, I figure I can do that on my way to pick up the skis. As well, I called the VA to check on my doctor’s progress in contacting VA Vocation Rehabilitation Services, leaving a message as usual. And, last night (I think) I emailed about helping the ladies with their CEW (Christian Education Weekend). They need meal preparation assistants, so I am signing up for lunch and dinner, Saturday I believe. Though I have suggested they use me where they need the most help, so that might change. I will probably also try to contact my priest and see about a confession soon. I need it, but things have just been very tight lately. I kept trying to make it Saturday mornings, but I do not seem capable, at this time. So, I must do what I must do.

After returning home, I immediately set up my blood testing kit. I went through and set it all up, time, date, beeper, and some things I was not sure about, but had to pick, then tried it. I came up with “HI”, as the readout. Stupid machine. I could not immediately find the manual, so I went online in search of more detailed information. I assumed I had set something up incorrectly. I found information online, but not enough. As I was looking through this and that, here at my cave, I happened upon the manual. It was as empty as the online information, no help either place. So, I called the VA back (after my earlier call), and asked to speak with someone who knew something. I actually was sent to the right woman right away. I asked her about the readings. It seems, since I have not used this device in some time and that the blood collecting strips were opened and have been opened for a long time, they have probably become invalid. Otherwise, the thing would be indicating a blood sugar out-of-range of the device, say, 600 or more. Whew, ok, so, I find the only spare unopened bottle of test strips. I set the machine for them, and… “HI”. Ok, I had better quit with the sugar, yesterday. Man, one of these days I am just going to pop… Maybe today, really. Frig it, I cannot stop now. At least I understand some of the symptoms. It will be interesting to see if I can make it.

I have some phone calls to make, a visit or two, and a few bits of shopping left. Oh, do not bother knocking on wood, either way. I will never be that lucky. Trust me, my way is the way of pain, not a fluffy coma into oblivion. And, whoever delivers that pain will probably suffer much more than I, meaning, it will be a small army that brings me down at some atrocious attrition, someday. Well, a girl can dream, can’t she? HA! I slay me.

That stupid crawdad. (Day 35)

Rocky went through 7 “pals” in one day. I do not know how or why he did this. It is the worst case of carnage I have ever seen. I keep removing rotting bits of goldfish, only to find more every time I turn around. He does not have pockets, so I have no idea where he hides the fetid fish bits between cleanings. At least the bits are tasty, with a little vinegar. Old English tavern fish and chips vinegar is the best for the fetid sushi.

I have a good deal to do today. I will take a look at the weather, if it is to remain chill, perhaps with the chance of more snow, I will rent skis later today. I need to purchase a battery for the blood sugar monitor. I would like to get Rocky more friends. I have a bit of grocery shopping to do, milk, whole whipping cream, water refills, and a few other essentials fill the list to a minor excursion. Since I missed CPAC, I thought about recording a few “Boo”s for McCain, and getting those off. I have to send my mother an extra charger for her cell phone, luckily I have one so only need to pay shipping costs. I would like to drop by and look at new cell phones, I will probably get a Blackberry. As life is heating up, I need a little more connectivity, seriously. As well, the ability to work on certain files, emailed to me, often on the fly, will make life much easier. With what I save finally being able to rid myself of two of the four phone lines on my system, I should come out just fine, over time. I will have to print this post just to stay on track.

Homework will be something I must figure about throughout the day as well. When I am not doing that, I will probably get busy on my apartment again, of course, when not doing some parts of the list above or that last. I am not sure how far I can dig into it, but I will do what I can so that if my instructor decides to help out, I will be a bit more squared away, and ready to re-digest the material.

Oh, fine, I will leave you alone, eat a few bagels with cream cheese and sip some orange juice, and then get busy. After getting some of the house (much of it) clean, I do feel better. It will be interesting to see what I can get done. I am already feeling the need for sleep after being up two hours, and having slept a full night. Oh well, have a good day yourself.

I am not sure…

I cannot be sure what is wrong. I am remaining active, but I am still exhausted. On top of the other symptoms, I feel perpetually bloated. I really am not sure what it is. I almost skipped out on my meeting tonight. Really, I am quite tired. I went to the meeting, if I felt very odd. There were things I needed to have tonight, I only completed one of the three. I am unsure how to complete the others, quickly and rightly anyway. I will try to have these done by next week. In spite of the lack of concentration and wakefulness, I am continuing on as I may. I forgot to pick up a battery for the blood serum/sugar/whatever tester. Just too many things on my mind. Tomorrow, promise.

I have decided to help the ladies out with their weekend event, by working in the kitchen for them. I have contacted my instructor, and asked if we can get together to look over some of the material. I have been trying to get my doctor and financial advisor together, to no avail. I am still trying to figure out what I need to do to get some a medical release for some of the classes I last took, when hampered by high blood pressure medicine. As well, I am trying to figure out how to get skiing started up. I know I am trying to spend little or nothing, but…

You know what, in spite of being a cripple, numb from the neck up, and down, and being exhausted too, I am doing pretty good. Yeah, it is tough. Yes, the results are rough, incomplete, ongoing, or all three! Ha. But I am doing it as I can, within my abilities, and up to the limits of my capacity, and then some. Life is just frustrating. It will not get much better, probably, without getting a whole lot worse. Oh, by the way, I saw a woman tonight, and again, who has attracted my eye, both of them in truth. I will not quite give my heart, I am not sure if she is the one. I know she could be, maybe. Plus, I think she likes me, always a hug, knows my name, you know. I will have to ask about her, but I am not sure who knows her. Drats!

Okay, I will go. I did a spot of cleaning today, and would like to finish a few more tasks. I might look over the course work and try and make some sense of it. Perhaps an early hour into bed might provide a decent and right awakening. Sleep well yourself, or… have a good day... whichever suits your needs or interest.

The Reloader. (Day 34)

Ok, I finally looked at my finances. If I spend nothing this or next month, other than bills and very little for food, I might be able to buy it next month. Actually, I could do it today, I have a credit card, again, and finally (I waited for a 9.9% card). My deal with credit cards is this, I will only spend what I actually have in the bank. More, I cannot use that money to pay it off, and I must continue my savings program, paying the card down with my free money. I do not know how well it will work, but I am trying to do it correctly this time. I have a little money coming back from a return and the tax refund thing ($300 for disabled vets). I may wait for those, which would put me well in advance, if I can just keep from spending almost anything until then, I might be able to afford both the reloader and my next item, probably an AK-47 and 6 magazine, plus 2 extra magazines for my XD .45, plus some extenders and expanders for those last.

After these necessities are cared for, I can probably get back to outdoor gear purchases. I may go ahead with the reloader, and hold off on the rest though, waiting to see if the guys are running a white water trip this year. I feel bad about getting all excited about it, then having to back out. This time, I am trying to plan ahead. Bah, I should be honest. I am horrible with money. I always think I have more than I do, I hold onto my coin like a typical sailor on leave, but I like to dream. Anyway, that is still the plan, until tomorrow most likely, somehow.

I am having a great deal of difficulty focusing on homework, or anything really. I did find my blood sugar monitor (whatever it is really called). I have not picked up a new battery, but now that I have found it, that will get done today. I am falling behind in school and am not sure how to shove the thing back on track. I may have to write an email to my instructor and see if he would be willing to try and help me jumpstart my studies. I would ask my study mate, but though he seems more up on it than I, he struggles greatly with this material and has his hands far too full to mess with this I think. The good thing is that the group meetings I have been required to attend each Sunday will end after this Sundays meeting. It seems simple, but one more thing tires me that much more. I would not even call it a linear thing, the exhaustion ends up being exponential for each additional activity. Though, I had better get my speech together. I am supposed to have my music ready today, and my scripture passages. Arghhh… I had not realized this until I reviewed the email today. I knew it was coming, just not when. I think I have the music (it is as… questionable, yes, questionable, as my speech, perhaps it will work).

Oh, after all things are bought and trips made, then I will look at either a .308 rifle and scope (probably a Remington 700 R5 Mil Spec, with solid Leupold glass, though that is still open) or a .500 S&W Magnum, in either 5”-6” or 8 ¾” barrel, I will have to check them side by side with a holster, to check draw. It would also be nice to plug a few rounds through each. Of course, that will be after some more camping gear. Eventually I will be caught up enough that I might be able to simply save again, someday.

And, if you were curious, I have remained tobacco free. And, no, I am still tight about it. It happens less often, but the severity is still intense. It is difficult to imagine something could be this intense, and seemingly (obviously, immediately) useless. Yet, I know that down further, and for more than health reasons, quitting is right, for me and now. Oddly, the last time I quit (for about 3 months), I do not remember it being anywhere near this bad (though I used the patch the first month and a half, starting heavy and moving to medium, then light, two weeks each as I remember it).