.
.
I took a nose dive this week. I think I still know where the tp is, and generally where my behind is, but getting the two together? Yes, it stinks. I think this is to be expected when I start the high blood pressure medicine. It often sneaks up on me though. I did not see that coming. It was not incremental and when it happened... it has taken several days just to realize I have out of commission for a while. Of course, I will pick up where, when, and how I am able.
As always, I am nervous about the new medicine. Even though it is what I want and is better than what I have, every time it is like getting up into a saddle on a horse, as if for the very first time. Or really, for the first time in a long time. It is exhilarating and daunting at the same time. The medicine really gives me more juice, something that has to be managed. I am so used to having just a fraction of it. I have some wonder if mentally I fear power and so underclock, or if that is done through a physical problem. Rather than an energy problem, as if I were an engine or electrical system, perhaps I have the energy but it is not being utilized or delivered correctly. Oh well, I will probably never know. But, with my worries about the medicine, I see into the notion that it might be a holding back, at least in part.
Nothing, needless to say, has gotten done that should have been done. No, wait, I did pay some of my bills. And, I will pay another today (which I had said I would pay a few days ago). *sigh* Lord knows I try to keep it on the tracks. I am not even sure how many days I have been down now, I simply... got lost. Maybe it will improve when the medicine arrives.
Oh, and never worry. Enjoy life, do what you can, and love somebody one way or another.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Good but tough.
.
.
That sums up life, recently. I am having to fight every inch of the way. The good is that I am, at least to a degree, able to do so. I miss something here for a day, I still have not completed my financing package (still have not figured out how to obtain my DD214), I tell my friend I will be there in an hour and a half and it ends up being three hours, and lots of little failures. But these failures also mean I am actually doing something. And, I am so close. Yes, I am a cripple. And I hate that, but so what. I hate needing to use the facilities, sleep, and even eat (except for the flavor, yum!). So what, I do what I can in my little world and fantasize about being more. Heck, I even work on being more. I do what I can with what I have. That, I think, is all that God asks. He loves us so much, He sent His only Son. Which also means He knows us. Not a man among us could have filled those Shoes.
I am frustrated. Like the autistic who tries to communicate, the lame who tries to motate, and the blind who tries in his own way to see, I try to function. I would love to give the autistic my clear communication channel, the lame my fantastic ability to be mobile, and the blind eyes, but I cannot. I have these things but not their will or ability to use them. How odd that is. We all try, harder than most will understand, and we all fail in many ways. Frustrating. At least now that I know and understand, it is not frustrating to the point of suicide. I just get grumpy, then chuckle about it, then carry on carrying on. Even this can be, and has become, a joyful little exercise in an odd little life.
I have several things to do today. And I woke early enough that I might be able to try to do some of them. Wish me luck? Now break it up and go about your business. You have more important things to do then read the foolishness of a blind, lame, inarticulate man! Go have a good day. Ha
.
That sums up life, recently. I am having to fight every inch of the way. The good is that I am, at least to a degree, able to do so. I miss something here for a day, I still have not completed my financing package (still have not figured out how to obtain my DD214), I tell my friend I will be there in an hour and a half and it ends up being three hours, and lots of little failures. But these failures also mean I am actually doing something. And, I am so close. Yes, I am a cripple. And I hate that, but so what. I hate needing to use the facilities, sleep, and even eat (except for the flavor, yum!). So what, I do what I can in my little world and fantasize about being more. Heck, I even work on being more. I do what I can with what I have. That, I think, is all that God asks. He loves us so much, He sent His only Son. Which also means He knows us. Not a man among us could have filled those Shoes.
I am frustrated. Like the autistic who tries to communicate, the lame who tries to motate, and the blind who tries in his own way to see, I try to function. I would love to give the autistic my clear communication channel, the lame my fantastic ability to be mobile, and the blind eyes, but I cannot. I have these things but not their will or ability to use them. How odd that is. We all try, harder than most will understand, and we all fail in many ways. Frustrating. At least now that I know and understand, it is not frustrating to the point of suicide. I just get grumpy, then chuckle about it, then carry on carrying on. Even this can be, and has become, a joyful little exercise in an odd little life.
I have several things to do today. And I woke early enough that I might be able to try to do some of them. Wish me luck? Now break it up and go about your business. You have more important things to do then read the foolishness of a blind, lame, inarticulate man! Go have a good day. Ha
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
The mountains and winter, such a fine set.
.
.
I made a mistake by staying up too late over the weekend. I overdid, and paid the price. I am just now getting back to regular days again. I have overdone more severely and paid higher prices in my youth, then again I could afford more pleasure and pain. Still, no blood, no foul. As well, several of my projects have moved forward and it was a great day today.
I called my shooting friend and we decided that a day at the range and then a dinner was in order. I really need to get back into practice with the .45. Then again, we are shooting at pop bottles at 50 yards and more. And, despite my friend's age, condition, and "blurry vision", he can hit 7 out of 10 quite often. In my defense, I have been shooting my rifle mostly, holding off to obtain a little stockpile of reloading components and a decent stock of .45 ammunition. I suppose I could have shot my .22 pistol more. But that thing is so dead on accurate that it was not much of a challenge, shooting accurately to almost as far as a .22 rifle will shoot. Then again, maybe if I try it next time, I will have lost some skill in that too. It is good to have a friend who really can almost shoot eyes out at 50 yards with a .45 (and even better with a 9 mm). Oddly, I can beat him with the .22 pistol (or used to be able too). Not that it is a competition, well, not an unfriendly one.
When we finished, I remembered our last outing. We arrived in town and went right to our more usual eatery, Angie's. It's a great place by the way. I do not like everything on the menu, but there is always something I do like and enough variety of my favorites (especially the all day breakfast menu). Anyway, I remembered that we arrived too early for our favorite womenz! So, today, I thought we ought to go shopping (or window shopping as is often the case) first instead of after the meal. It worked out perfectly. We arrived late enough that our ladies were not only in, but they were on the floor.
The mountains out here, and the weather patterns in the valley for them, is something fantastic to experience. My friend has suggested that he does not notice the mountains all of the time, or even some of the time, now. I tell him that life is just not the same without them. They are the same, seemingly, every day. But a closer look will lead one to notice that they are never the same. They are a challenge, should one so endeavor. They are also shelter, should one care to understand. And they simply are. I enjoy the humility and safety of mind they bring. They remind me, every day, that I am merely an ant on much more than a molehill. They prove my limitations, physical and spiritually. It has been said that a man with an ounce of faith would be able to move mountains. Though, and again, a man of great faith would no more do so then he would pilfer the wealth of the world even to give to the poor if he had great faith. Great faith is not for here, I think.
Cold, it is. It is seeping into my bones tonight. I think I will turn the furnace up just a bit from my 62 F setting tonight and sleep a bit more warmly. Just one of those things. On unrelated news, I received a message that my doc is going to prescribe Ritalin again. They also upped the (more minor) blood pressure medicine (which I implemented as soon as I got the message). The requirement is that I continue on the medicines and, when Ritalin arrives and I begin taking it, to stop drinking regular soda. That is all I asked for and much preferable to the current state of affairs! It is a deal! While we were out, one of our new games when we visit Wallyworld is to check our blood pressures. His, on the medicines, is excellent. Mine is not too bad, at 143/86 or something. They want me sub 130/80 I think. I am getting there. Now to keep the system from crashing because I lose track...
Hey, have a great one! If you cannot handle your cold winter, get the car warm then just take a cruise. If where you are is warm, get out! This is a fantastic world, there are really nice people to meet, there are interesting things to do and see, and the t.v. just is not the same. Go, do, be.
.
I made a mistake by staying up too late over the weekend. I overdid, and paid the price. I am just now getting back to regular days again. I have overdone more severely and paid higher prices in my youth, then again I could afford more pleasure and pain. Still, no blood, no foul. As well, several of my projects have moved forward and it was a great day today.
I called my shooting friend and we decided that a day at the range and then a dinner was in order. I really need to get back into practice with the .45. Then again, we are shooting at pop bottles at 50 yards and more. And, despite my friend's age, condition, and "blurry vision", he can hit 7 out of 10 quite often. In my defense, I have been shooting my rifle mostly, holding off to obtain a little stockpile of reloading components and a decent stock of .45 ammunition. I suppose I could have shot my .22 pistol more. But that thing is so dead on accurate that it was not much of a challenge, shooting accurately to almost as far as a .22 rifle will shoot. Then again, maybe if I try it next time, I will have lost some skill in that too. It is good to have a friend who really can almost shoot eyes out at 50 yards with a .45 (and even better with a 9 mm). Oddly, I can beat him with the .22 pistol (or used to be able too). Not that it is a competition, well, not an unfriendly one.
When we finished, I remembered our last outing. We arrived in town and went right to our more usual eatery, Angie's. It's a great place by the way. I do not like everything on the menu, but there is always something I do like and enough variety of my favorites (especially the all day breakfast menu). Anyway, I remembered that we arrived too early for our favorite womenz! So, today, I thought we ought to go shopping (or window shopping as is often the case) first instead of after the meal. It worked out perfectly. We arrived late enough that our ladies were not only in, but they were on the floor.
The mountains out here, and the weather patterns in the valley for them, is something fantastic to experience. My friend has suggested that he does not notice the mountains all of the time, or even some of the time, now. I tell him that life is just not the same without them. They are the same, seemingly, every day. But a closer look will lead one to notice that they are never the same. They are a challenge, should one so endeavor. They are also shelter, should one care to understand. And they simply are. I enjoy the humility and safety of mind they bring. They remind me, every day, that I am merely an ant on much more than a molehill. They prove my limitations, physical and spiritually. It has been said that a man with an ounce of faith would be able to move mountains. Though, and again, a man of great faith would no more do so then he would pilfer the wealth of the world even to give to the poor if he had great faith. Great faith is not for here, I think.
Cold, it is. It is seeping into my bones tonight. I think I will turn the furnace up just a bit from my 62 F setting tonight and sleep a bit more warmly. Just one of those things. On unrelated news, I received a message that my doc is going to prescribe Ritalin again. They also upped the (more minor) blood pressure medicine (which I implemented as soon as I got the message). The requirement is that I continue on the medicines and, when Ritalin arrives and I begin taking it, to stop drinking regular soda. That is all I asked for and much preferable to the current state of affairs! It is a deal! While we were out, one of our new games when we visit Wallyworld is to check our blood pressures. His, on the medicines, is excellent. Mine is not too bad, at 143/86 or something. They want me sub 130/80 I think. I am getting there. Now to keep the system from crashing because I lose track...
Hey, have a great one! If you cannot handle your cold winter, get the car warm then just take a cruise. If where you are is warm, get out! This is a fantastic world, there are really nice people to meet, there are interesting things to do and see, and the t.v. just is not the same. Go, do, be.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Valentine's Day.
.
.
So many people have such a varying notion about Valentine's Day, and of course all of the baggage and candy that goes with it on whichever level one has a mind to ponder. Many men (mostly if a few women too, depending on how close to a break-up) hate the day. I understand why some men hate it. There are obligations, which may not be felt as necessary, to the day and the notion behind it. As well, there is expense and work of some sort. Most women seem to really enjoy the day and what it entails. I have a belief that most women really enjoy this type of stuff, real or faked to a degree. What was it, something about 'I do not care if you lie, just lie well!', or some such one woman I dated (or was it three... or more) said? No, I am not a liar, at my core. However, telling a woman all the things she wants to hear is more important to her than believing what I have said always, or so I have come to think. Just say it, fool. You mean it, you just do not always realize it.
As for me, the day is fun if not too serious. I think with love and the relationship between men and women, these things are necessary. As well, I think the day gives me a chance to (all else being equal) play the romantic and have a good excuse to do so without having my sanity or manhood challenged. There is always the hope that some of that will stick around throughout the year(s). I do enjoy being romantic, if I know how as well as I know how to dance. If it arrives naturally, I seem to have some skill. But if I have to think about it too much, I think it always ends up being too gooey. Come to think of it though, women seem to love the mush more than the logical. Oh well.
I am honestly hoping a lot of love is going on today. If it is merely because of the weird holiday, so be it. I hope further, that what happens today continues on into the year. That the good things are remembered in order to overcome some of the boring and bad things. I keep thinking about some of the women I have met. I keep meaning to ask them out (not all together, mind you). There are two women with whom a nice dinner and some relaxation time would be enjoyed. To be honest, I think they are just waiting (not just on me, but on any decent guy, if maybe on me in particular). They know I think they are attractive, if to be honest neither would quite do as wife material. Just to be in a woman or two's company sounds good to me. The voice, the look, their way of thinking, things pleasant to be certain. If I could just get off my butt! Honestly, I am not afraid to ask. I worry that they might get a bit serious or take it the wrong way, but that is a very minor side issue. I need a lady friend or three, I do believe.
Anyway, have a great Valentine's Day. It depends, in large part, on you. You are not old cripples, so get off it and get going. Just a few words, a soft touch, a lie or two, a wink and a nod, and you may know why we celebrate even this kind of love. Or, put in a more manly way... shut up and get fresh. You might even remember why you got in so much trouble to begin with, or why you have been in trouble before. Yeah, trouble. Gee I miss being in trouble. Go get em'!
.
So many people have such a varying notion about Valentine's Day, and of course all of the baggage and candy that goes with it on whichever level one has a mind to ponder. Many men (mostly if a few women too, depending on how close to a break-up) hate the day. I understand why some men hate it. There are obligations, which may not be felt as necessary, to the day and the notion behind it. As well, there is expense and work of some sort. Most women seem to really enjoy the day and what it entails. I have a belief that most women really enjoy this type of stuff, real or faked to a degree. What was it, something about 'I do not care if you lie, just lie well!', or some such one woman I dated (or was it three... or more) said? No, I am not a liar, at my core. However, telling a woman all the things she wants to hear is more important to her than believing what I have said always, or so I have come to think. Just say it, fool. You mean it, you just do not always realize it.
As for me, the day is fun if not too serious. I think with love and the relationship between men and women, these things are necessary. As well, I think the day gives me a chance to (all else being equal) play the romantic and have a good excuse to do so without having my sanity or manhood challenged. There is always the hope that some of that will stick around throughout the year(s). I do enjoy being romantic, if I know how as well as I know how to dance. If it arrives naturally, I seem to have some skill. But if I have to think about it too much, I think it always ends up being too gooey. Come to think of it though, women seem to love the mush more than the logical. Oh well.
I am honestly hoping a lot of love is going on today. If it is merely because of the weird holiday, so be it. I hope further, that what happens today continues on into the year. That the good things are remembered in order to overcome some of the boring and bad things. I keep thinking about some of the women I have met. I keep meaning to ask them out (not all together, mind you). There are two women with whom a nice dinner and some relaxation time would be enjoyed. To be honest, I think they are just waiting (not just on me, but on any decent guy, if maybe on me in particular). They know I think they are attractive, if to be honest neither would quite do as wife material. Just to be in a woman or two's company sounds good to me. The voice, the look, their way of thinking, things pleasant to be certain. If I could just get off my butt! Honestly, I am not afraid to ask. I worry that they might get a bit serious or take it the wrong way, but that is a very minor side issue. I need a lady friend or three, I do believe.
Anyway, have a great Valentine's Day. It depends, in large part, on you. You are not old cripples, so get off it and get going. Just a few words, a soft touch, a lie or two, a wink and a nod, and you may know why we celebrate even this kind of love. Or, put in a more manly way... shut up and get fresh. You might even remember why you got in so much trouble to begin with, or why you have been in trouble before. Yeah, trouble. Gee I miss being in trouble. Go get em'!
A love hate relationship with efficiency.
.
.
On the surface, in the middle, and right down to the bottom of me, efficiency is something I love. In a primitive manner, efficiency is something I find to be beautiful. In a very basic way, it reminds me of coloring inside the lines in coloring books, when I was a child. Back when coloring in the lines took effort and was patronized, earning a star in class, attention at home, or a sense of accomplishment. There is something about the nature of doing things with the least amount of energy, money, time, or any resource, and yet procuring results as good or perhaps superior to the results less costly ventures produce.
The difficulty I have with efficiency is not based on the facts of the matter. Or even with side issues. I am stuck on efficiency mode in almost all of my dealings with life. Everything I do costs many times the energy use most people understand. I am frozen in an efficiency requirement that is so draconian that at times I cannot do the things that help with the demands of life, such as eating. If I do too much at once, there is a decent chance I will simply need to fold up and go to bed, so harshly so that choice is not in the equation.
The other night I dreamed I was on the failed moon landing craft. While we were trying to figure out how to use the last bits of energy we had, and it did not look like it was going to work, I realized, the ship was my body. Everything I did had to be looked at, anything I wanted to do had to be figured into the equations. Even solid efficiency is inefficient, as there is always some minor loss due to transfer or simply the inherent nature of physics and life. So it is with me. Right down to considering whether I have the energy to consider something, which actually takes more energy than hiking, if I do the consideration correctly.
I do love efficiency. However, because of my condition(s), it would be like loving painting and despising pain, yet having some mental fixation which only allows one to express their artistic abilities by painting torture and the devices for that. I live so close to the edge, some days, that I simply cannot simply "do". It has been much better here, in Utah. But only in a relative manner. What I can do here, if multiples greater than what I could do in Iowa, would be laughable to John Q. Public. Laughable, or frightening, if they were stuck with it. Sigh... Yeah, I dreamed about this last night too. I was looking for a solution. Once I realized I was the ship, I broke out into a sweat and started trying to dreamsolve. I found no solutions. I am still in space, hoping oxygen holds and nothing else goes wrong... and looking for the solution which will allow me to use the gravity of the moon to at least turn the ship around...
.
On the surface, in the middle, and right down to the bottom of me, efficiency is something I love. In a primitive manner, efficiency is something I find to be beautiful. In a very basic way, it reminds me of coloring inside the lines in coloring books, when I was a child. Back when coloring in the lines took effort and was patronized, earning a star in class, attention at home, or a sense of accomplishment. There is something about the nature of doing things with the least amount of energy, money, time, or any resource, and yet procuring results as good or perhaps superior to the results less costly ventures produce.
The difficulty I have with efficiency is not based on the facts of the matter. Or even with side issues. I am stuck on efficiency mode in almost all of my dealings with life. Everything I do costs many times the energy use most people understand. I am frozen in an efficiency requirement that is so draconian that at times I cannot do the things that help with the demands of life, such as eating. If I do too much at once, there is a decent chance I will simply need to fold up and go to bed, so harshly so that choice is not in the equation.
The other night I dreamed I was on the failed moon landing craft. While we were trying to figure out how to use the last bits of energy we had, and it did not look like it was going to work, I realized, the ship was my body. Everything I did had to be looked at, anything I wanted to do had to be figured into the equations. Even solid efficiency is inefficient, as there is always some minor loss due to transfer or simply the inherent nature of physics and life. So it is with me. Right down to considering whether I have the energy to consider something, which actually takes more energy than hiking, if I do the consideration correctly.
I do love efficiency. However, because of my condition(s), it would be like loving painting and despising pain, yet having some mental fixation which only allows one to express their artistic abilities by painting torture and the devices for that. I live so close to the edge, some days, that I simply cannot simply "do". It has been much better here, in Utah. But only in a relative manner. What I can do here, if multiples greater than what I could do in Iowa, would be laughable to John Q. Public. Laughable, or frightening, if they were stuck with it. Sigh... Yeah, I dreamed about this last night too. I was looking for a solution. Once I realized I was the ship, I broke out into a sweat and started trying to dreamsolve. I found no solutions. I am still in space, hoping oxygen holds and nothing else goes wrong... and looking for the solution which will allow me to use the gravity of the moon to at least turn the ship around...
Sleeping in.
.
.
For the first time in a long time, I actually went ahead and let myself stay up late and then sleep in. Oh, I do that, to be certain. The difference is often there is not much choice involved. Either I cannot get to sleep, I cannot wake up, or both. This time, I made the choice both times. Why? Because this is the first time I have done something every day for a week. Though I did not go out Monday, I did make a number of phone calls and I was otherwise busy regarding other business and social efforts. I think I did some cleaning on Monday, as well. I used to love staying up late and sleep in on the weekends, back when I worked all week and lived a relatively normal life.
I am hoping to push through again this week. I do not want the medicines to win, so I am really putting my effort in. I might simply walk over to my friends place, sit a spell and watch some t.v. and talk, then walk home. I think he likes visitors too, right to his place. Though I think more than twice a week or for more than a few hours and he might become a bit impatient. It is good to be grumpy and become more private, or since I am like it that is how I see it. The medicine is not as harsh this time. Still, I would like to stay ahead of that crash a bit, should it be on the way.
I had some neat dreams as I was waking up this morning. The first one regarded my mom and my lady friend. In the dream, I had purchased my home and I was settled in, happily and well. The home had a mother-in-law apartment. Both of those women wanted it. So, I brought them both out and told them they had to fight for the apartment (but I had a trick up my sleeve). They fought, though I cannot remember who won. Anyway, I enjoyed the fight. When it was over and they both looked at me to hand over the apartment, I told them that they had to split it or no one was staying. hehehehe I suppose I made them fight to settle things between them up front and in advance. Well, that and to help them understand where they stand, physically, with me. I told them they could veto anything I wanted to do or buy, all they had to do was get in the ring, with me. Perhaps both of them, if they were serious. What a dream!
Then I had a short political dream, where I was struggling to say something that has been bugging me. I have it, mostly, I think. I will try to write it as I remember the final result:
To be liberal* is to be a driver on an highway* not only without a speed limit, but with a requirement to drive faster and never slow down or stop.
Think about that literally and then apply it to their idealism, their "practical applications", and even their personal and social lives. I was comforted in some part of my mind by finally being able to put a term to the notion that was free-floating like a virus back in some part of my unconscious mind. It was almost as good as finally being able to have a bowel movement after not being able to "go" after a day or two of trying. All I can say is... Ahhhhh...
*liberal, as it has become commonly misused in America
*economic, immoral, amoral, unethical, pick one or all or others
.
For the first time in a long time, I actually went ahead and let myself stay up late and then sleep in. Oh, I do that, to be certain. The difference is often there is not much choice involved. Either I cannot get to sleep, I cannot wake up, or both. This time, I made the choice both times. Why? Because this is the first time I have done something every day for a week. Though I did not go out Monday, I did make a number of phone calls and I was otherwise busy regarding other business and social efforts. I think I did some cleaning on Monday, as well. I used to love staying up late and sleep in on the weekends, back when I worked all week and lived a relatively normal life.
I am hoping to push through again this week. I do not want the medicines to win, so I am really putting my effort in. I might simply walk over to my friends place, sit a spell and watch some t.v. and talk, then walk home. I think he likes visitors too, right to his place. Though I think more than twice a week or for more than a few hours and he might become a bit impatient. It is good to be grumpy and become more private, or since I am like it that is how I see it. The medicine is not as harsh this time. Still, I would like to stay ahead of that crash a bit, should it be on the way.
I had some neat dreams as I was waking up this morning. The first one regarded my mom and my lady friend. In the dream, I had purchased my home and I was settled in, happily and well. The home had a mother-in-law apartment. Both of those women wanted it. So, I brought them both out and told them they had to fight for the apartment (but I had a trick up my sleeve). They fought, though I cannot remember who won. Anyway, I enjoyed the fight. When it was over and they both looked at me to hand over the apartment, I told them that they had to split it or no one was staying. hehehehe I suppose I made them fight to settle things between them up front and in advance. Well, that and to help them understand where they stand, physically, with me. I told them they could veto anything I wanted to do or buy, all they had to do was get in the ring, with me. Perhaps both of them, if they were serious. What a dream!
Then I had a short political dream, where I was struggling to say something that has been bugging me. I have it, mostly, I think. I will try to write it as I remember the final result:
To be liberal* is to be a driver on an highway* not only without a speed limit, but with a requirement to drive faster and never slow down or stop.
Think about that literally and then apply it to their idealism, their "practical applications", and even their personal and social lives. I was comforted in some part of my mind by finally being able to put a term to the notion that was free-floating like a virus back in some part of my unconscious mind. It was almost as good as finally being able to have a bowel movement after not being able to "go" after a day or two of trying. All I can say is... Ahhhhh...
*liberal, as it has become commonly misused in America
*economic, immoral, amoral, unethical, pick one or all or others
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