Almost bedtime.

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I've been waiting for dairy.  It arrived.  Had a nice talk with the neighbor.  I try not to take too much of his time.  He... is truly a busy man.  Family, work, two jobs really, and church.  Plus, trying to take care of his health.  Still, I so rarely get to see a familiar face, that a bit of talking is good.

Works, about the house.  He was hanging a gate this morning, when I texted with the question.  I, later, texted back to ask... what the gate had done for that extreme.  He got a chuckle.  Oh, and his daughter hit ice.  Texted him that she had been in an accident, police were called.  Turns out she hit black ice and the vehicle flipped.  Saw pictures.  She came out of it just fine.  A few scratches and a sore area in the upper back area.  A miracle really.  If you saw the pictures, you'd be amazed.

I was wearing the boots, until I... had to take them off.  Those things will take some getting used to.  But I wore them around the house for three or four hours.  And, plan on doing that every other day.  Including walking around a bit, to break them in, get used to them, and such.  A bit hot, but I have thicker socks on.  I can modify that.

Blood sugar had risen, from 183 fasting to 196, for no good reason.  Not sure why.  But, after the steak lunch... dinner... and several hours, it was down to 139?  Yes, but strange.  Curious what it will be like tomorrow.  No sweeteners.  Ugh.  Very odd, to me, that it is falling that fast.  Ah!  Carnivore.  I have never done this on full carnivore before.  My body is totally primed to lower blood sugar with no carbs coming in.  None.  Well, the body can use protein, or even fat, to make carbs.  But... I haven't been eating enough for it to do that.  Skipping food every other day, lately.  So... okay, I get that.

I'll try the bike pants on when I go upstairs.  I won't take laundry up.  Just far too tired.  I do need a pee jug, or two.  Though I haven't been using those as much.  Dreaming of women, daydreaming anyway.  Not sure why.  Usually don't.  But... I like it.

A good day.  Tools, dishes, a shower, feeding Sassy a bit extra, her litter and water tended.  Cleaned the desk a bit, needs more work, but it's a start.  Lots of little things.  A few larger things.  And, food, with more food for tomorrow ready.  Small miracles?  And bigger ones.  I have some praying to do.  Mostly just in thanksgiving.  For... myself and for others.  So fragile, life.  And, yet, so gracious God.  Amen.  And goodnight.

Sometimes?

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I think they are paying attention?  You?  Maybe.

The steak...

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I had a new york strip.  Standard cut, so about an inch.  I have some of those and some that are 1 1/2" thick.  I... haven't been very happy with them.  The meat is good, but the fat has been... questionable?  Thawed, even rather quickly.  Put in the fridge right away, or cooked immediately.  It didn't matter.

The problem?  Something smelled, and tasted, off.  Rancid?  Or... so it seemed.  So, doing this one from frozen?  I doubted there would be any difference, regarding the fat.  Maybe that is the way of ny strips?  Still, was hoping the meat would be... less grainy?  Sometimes, when thawed, it seems grainy.

Okay?

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Maybe better than okay?  Yes.  Still tiring easy.  Still pushing through.

I started gathering the kit, to begin working on the tool roll.  I was partly into sorting when I decided to call my Philippine source.  He video blogs, about his life over there.  As it turns out, he provides a service.  Fine, as long as I know.  He went into rather great detail.

So very nice.

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A shower, finally.  But, before that, the freezertop was cleared.  Not cleaned yet, but... that will happen.  Meat was pulled.  I didn't find my favorite bacon, but I did find bacon, two pounds.  Should do.  As well, as several steaks, pork chops, and burger, taken out to thaw.

Sassy was fed, her water refreshed, and then her litter cleaned as a final act before showering.  I should put the shower stool in there.  I... was... getting weak.  The various tasks had wearied me, but... I'm not sure that would have mattered.  I was losing my legs.  Thing is, I wanted that hot, wet, nice, cleansing shower so badly that I pushed through.  Perhaps longer than I should have?  Almost too long.

Up a bit early?

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Down right around 17:20?  Up at 1:45.  A shorter sleep, but good.  A good sleep though.  Only had to pee once, as well.  Very nice.  And, I may know why.  As I said, yesterday blood sugar got below two hundred for the first time in... a long, long while.  Keto sweetener, it works... and it doesn't.

As mentioned, on a typical American diet?  My blood sugar gets to 650 or higher... basically beyond the range of my glucometer to read.  But, on mostly keto, with the sweetener, it stays around 350, give or take twenty five points.  On carnivore, with the sweetener, it stays right around 215 to 230.

All good?

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No extra work.  Well, I did bag the trash and recycling cans which needed that.  And had another coffee.  Plus fed Sassy a few more times.  Still, a few tasks completed, and the hope for more tomorrow.  Slow, but... something is being done.

The packages arrived.  Not as many tools in this group as thought.  Mostly parts and riding pants.  I'll take a shower before trying those on.  First thing tomorrow?  Okay, I'll write that in as a priority for the day plan.  Dishes after that.

A few things.

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Trash is getting collected, as is recycling.  I sort of let go in this front room.  For a long time.  Still, it wasn't as bad as it looked.  If it isn't finished yet either.  Still, for that part, I would guess it is four fifths of the way finished?  Yes, I would guess.  Well... trash and recycling... boxes?  That's... a whole other thing.

I am hungry though.  But I don't have much to eat.  Perhaps a can of soup?  Maybe.  With cheese.  And some hot spices.  This time I'll go with carolina reaper flecks.  I... really like that stuff.  I have to eat something.  And another coffee.  Soups are rather carby, but I've got to have something.  Hmm, perhaps adding mushrooms?  Canned, it's what I have.  But that works okay.

As I suspected.

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The fellow from the Philippines texted me back.  He seems to have gotten on a call with someone else.  I'm guessing his new woman.  Though can't be sure.  Just that he got another call.  He suggested I call back tomorrow or Sunday.  Which I most likely will do.  But I won't keep doing that.  I'll try to get a bit more information, as is possible.  But if he is too busy, that's fine too.

Just at 8:05.  Up five hours already?  Okies.  Hopefully up until 15:00 today.

Awake, for a while now.

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Up at a bit before three.  I set the alarm for three, but try to wake before the alarm.  Ten minutes will do.  Still, I was moving slow.  If I hadn't turned the alarm off it would have sounded before I technically was out of bed.  Though I was putting on socks and dressing while in bed, so it wasn't like I was still asleep either.

Most of the last of the orders for this month will be arriving today.  All save one item?  And a pair of winter boots.  But the boots are on free to try, for seven days... after they arrive.  I am hoping they will work for riding the bike, a bit more warmly.

Finally got to breakfast.

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Still cold out there.  Just at 30 F, when I went out to get the grill going.  Corned beef hash, first, ending with a few slices of cheddar.  Then four eggs.  A good breakfast, with tobasco and cholula sauce.  Those two didn't add any appreciable heat.  It's been a while since I have eaten carolina reaper, so I thought it would do something.  Nope.  Didn't even propose the blush of warmth.  Next time I'll just add my real hot stuff.

Why haven't I eaten recently?  Because, for the most part, I haven't eaten.  You can't really add something to nothing.  The little I have eaten, burger patties, don't really take to it.  Though?  I may try some, sometime soon.

Awake at the time I was hoping.

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Perhaps just a bit early.  The goal was 3:00, I was up, perhaps, twenty to?  Or so.  Sassy was fed first thing.  She has been only getting a can a day, as I have been pushing days and nights around.  Which is fine, mostly.  Just, usually two days a week she gets an extra half can for those days.  It's probably been... a while... since she has really gotten extra.

Her litter was cleared, first thing.  And her water was refreshed.  Not daily, lately, but at least every other day.  Which really is enough.  Only, I prefer to be more on top of it.  I keep thinking her litter box will be an absolute mess, but it just never is.  I'm remember back when I might miss it for a week.  Two days just isn't much of a mess these days.  Even so, I try to do daily diligence.

Far from perfect.

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Working with this flesh is like trying to work with a really old computer.  Even if everything works as was designed, which it may likely not, the clock-speed, memory, bandwidth, from a '90's desktop?  Just doesn't cut it.  If it is all you have, you... learn to use it as it is able to be used.  You don't try to use it as modern machines are used.  Within the limits.  So... perfection isn't possible.

Then again, perfection was never possible.  There is that.  Even a new machine is flawed.  If nothing else than because of the user, methods, logic problems, bugs, even "features".  Perfection is not for this form, in this time.  We were given the bible, Christ, hope, faith, and charity, after deciding we knew better.  Choose wisely, just don't expect perfection.

Time flies when it's working as it should?

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At least, if one is still in recovery?

Not doing much.  Did get burgers cooked.  It was 25 F outside, so below freezing.  I'm always amazed to see how much traffic there is out there so early in the morning.  Long haul truckers?  That I get.  They have to drive when they can.  If an unloading takes too long?  Their schedule will slip.  If they have to wait in a long line to pick up a load, so too their schedule will slip.  But regular cars and trucks?

There is that.

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While I am still feeling exhausted, and easily over extend by doing very little?  My blood pressure and pulse are... pretty good.  At 118/80, with a pulse of 72, it's not bad.  The pulse might be a little low.  That could be some of the problem?  Though, just three days ago it was 158/110, with a pulse around 85?  Strange that it would drop so much, in such a short amount of time.  Especially since I haven't change medicine.  Mostly.  Well, actually, I... dropped dosage, on the medicine that causes... problems.  I was, perhaps, being overdosed?

Burger patties have been formed.  I am catching up on water.  I like having three half gallon jugs full, the r.o. carafe full, and the reservoir for the next run on that full.  Filling the carafe now.  Afterward will pull the carafe and fill the reservoir for the next run.

Half way.

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To survival.  Whatever I did, I stabilized the heart.  It is no longer thumping like a mostly dead fish, tossed to a riverbank after half an hour.  Regular, solid, well paced, heartbeat.  That's... a start.  Was it food, getting trash out, some of it, the worst of it?  Was it pushing?  A bit of each?  I can't be sure.

But, now?  Doing almost anything completely exhausts me.  Still, I went through some laundry baskets, after making the bed this morning.  I pushed to a 1:00 wakeup.  I wasn't going to feed Sassy first thing, but she begged.  So, fed she was.  I had to take a break.  Am on the break.  Will be on the break for another hour, or two.

Pushing to stay awake.

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It's just a bit after ten.  Trying to make it to 13:00~15:00, though today I'll try to go lighter, get to bed earlier.  I pushed really hard yesterday, almost got stuck in insomnia.

On the good side, a bit of food and painkillers helped.  I've been rather miserable.  The heart hurt, the neck, shoulders, ribs.  Why I can't quite be certain.  As mentioned, doing a bit better now.

Awake, but in rough shape.

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I've been awake for an hour and an half already.  I had to push to stay in bed, but did until 1:00.  So, eight hours down?  A difficult task staying down that last hour.  Finally gave up.  Heart is having trouble.  Not sure what the problem is.  I really need a blood test, to look things over.  Too much potassium?  Too little?  Or... some other problem?  Or... I am simply running out of time?

Some water.  Then some coffee?  Yeah.  It sprinkling out there, so working on the grill is possible, but cooking maybe not?  Fine.  I'd like to get the griddle cleared, cleaned, and seasoned a bit.  Then just cover it until the rain stops.  Well, sprinkling.  It's not coming down hard or fast.  Just drops, here and there.

Ouch.

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Up way later then planned.  At 16:52, I am almost two hours beyond plans... hopes actually.  I had no plans to actually be awake until 15:00.  Just some whack hope with no real possibility?  Or... so I thought.  Oh, but everything hurts.

Hopefully, when I wake, the burger will be thawed.  Hungry to my hollow heart.  Hollow?  Well, it hurts like it has been hollowed.  To a degree, hollowed right out of my chest.  Neck, shoulders, ribs, lungs, heart.  Yea.  Bedtime.

I don't mind.  Oh... painkillers, before I sleep.  A handful.  I should take medicine, as this is almost when I should be waking up.  But I... just... can't.  It'll have to wait.  Goodnight.

Up late.

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Pushing.  Shoving.  Moving along, little doggies.  It's to 11:50.  I don't think I made it to nine yesterday morning?  And, was up later yesterday than... in a while.  So this is a real breakout.  Not done yet.  Hoping to make it to 13:00... 14:00... just maybe 15:00.  Or not.  I may crash in ten.  Can never be certain after a certain point.  I am well past that point.

Coffee.  But, this time, real rather than freeze dried.  The other stuff hasn't been setting well with me lately.  But I've kept using it because... I didn't have the energy to do more.  This time, more was done.  French press had to be cleaned.  Ugh.  It's stainless, all around, so that isn't difficult.  But... yeah...  I cleaned the coffee out first thing this time.  I didn't realize old coffee and grounds could smell so horrible.  Now I know.  But it really did clean up very... relatively... easily.

Are you a believer?

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Which... set of beliefs do you put your faith in, is the real question.  If you... don't know, in the secular plain, perhaps you would like to see a few possibilities?

Pushing the clock.

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Trying.  A bit confused... the clocks?  Ah... that time of year?  So... after a bit of reconsideration?  Up at around 20:00.  It was 48 out there, when I woke half an hour ago.  Fed Sassy.  But she was still hungry.  So I fed her again.  It's a rare thing, that she begs after having eaten.  So, when she does, I... add a bit more.  I do it for myself, if food wasn't enough... on rare occasions.  Why wouldn't I do so for her?

Someone is really digging into some of my, if more recent, blogs.  Need to sense various aspects of love.  The hard, gritty, parts, on to the parts which are beyond the senses, nearly.  The... joining part.  Not even necessarily the physical, though that was in there.  But the... changes that happen, when a man and woman truly become one.  I honestly don't think, if you ever go there, you can ever not be there.  Divorce doesn't change it.  Not even death will erase that.  It does complicate life, though.  Makes me truly believe we were made to be together for life.

Hmm, well?

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Still awake at nearing eight?  Trying to push on around.  If that is possible.  Warmth helps.  Last night, at nearly midnight, it was still 50 outside.  This morning it is only 44 (which is... comparatively to recent temps, quite warm).  It is probably only that cool because it is sprinkling.  Did it rain?  Or has it just been, more just begun, sprinkling?  I would guess the latter.  There just isn't a lot of moisture out there.

I did get out for food.  Had to eat something.  Not the best, but food, sometimes, is food.  And, sometimes, any food would do.  Any... food.