Pushing to stay awake.

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It's just a bit after ten.  Trying to make it to 13:00~15:00, though today I'll try to go lighter, get to bed earlier.  I pushed really hard yesterday, almost got stuck in insomnia.

On the good side, a bit of food and painkillers helped.  I've been rather miserable.  The heart hurt, the neck, shoulders, ribs.  Why I can't quite be certain.  As mentioned, doing a bit better now.

Can't really do much.  Even gaming it off the doable list.  Can't focus.  So I have been watching y.t. vids.  On everything from poverty around America and Canada, to African nations generally and the worst and best of some of them.  It's... always good to see a dark people with hope.

As well, I've been watching vids about fentanyl.  Some of the discussion about deaths, and other things.  Some of the tough stories... like a guy who made it out, only to have an accident that broke half the bones in his body, among other things.  Yea, he... got back on and will probably never be free.  His pain will literally never allow him to be free.  His body never healed, it can't.  Though most are there by choice.  Though it seems, with this stuff, one dose can be permanent addiction?

Not sure I believe that, fully.  But, I think when people are doing that, their friends are also doing it.  It becomes a habit, then an addiction very quickly.  A little dip into death.

I was listening to one of them talking about taking the stuff.  He got tunnel vision.  Then it closed, tightened, shrunk, then was gone.  He died.  They brought him back, obviously.  But, as I sit here, and have for a while, I am going in and out of tunnel vision, if for very different reasons.  I know, eventually, it will close down, for me too.  Only, when it goes dark, there isn't anything they will be able to do.  Surprised I have made it this long.  Then again, I honestly suspect I have another thirty hard years to me.  I'm... not... standard equipment.

Oh, I best get my last dose of medicine.  And, maybe, a few more painkillers.  Those really helped.  Not the sort of painkillers they take.  My strongest, is aspirin and nsaid, or such?  With caffeine.  And... I go through weeks of pain, only using them a few times... if I even remember.  But it's been rough, and I kept forgetting.  This time, though, it will only be simple aspirin with caffeine.

I'll tell you, the world is in trouble.  These things won't stay in the West.  They will get out.  And it is so very cheap.  If I think that is the plan.  The plan is to get rid of a whole lot of people, as fast as possible.  Only, over there, they won't be treating overdoses.  Not certain they should here.  The real reason they do it here, however, isn't to save people, it is to keep the blood profits flowing... to dealers, makers, politicians.  Evil doesn't fund itself.

I don't know.  But... the world has issues.  Always has, but some of these things are so powerfully weaponized.  From debt to drugs to propaganda.  Still, I believe it is the small things.  Simple acts of love, kindness, and doing the right thing.  Every time?  Close enough.  I refuse to lose hope, to surrender to fear.  Faith and charity are there when hope gets weak, and the reverse.  Amen.