Wrestling with a new beast.

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I did get the shower in.  I did get ready.  I then tried to call my friend, but his phone was still off.  I went on into town and picked up a partial of my list at the first store.  Tobacco, paper plates, garbage bags, and some of the other bits the store held.  Back in the vehicle, I called my friend again.  Yellow?  Blue!  No, but close enough.  Sure he would be glad to have me visit and run around a bit.  He just wanted time to have a smoke.  I told him I would pick up my coffee.  The line was long, the help wasn't fast, so I was a bit later.  Still, he was glad I showed.  One of his other friends had tried to help, to no good ends.  Could I come in, for a bit, and see if I could... do something... anything?

Not a problem, that is part of what I meant to do anyway.  Windows 8, or 8.1, or 8.x?  This was my first jab at this new piece of junk MS was trying to shove down our throats.  I have seen it, but never messed with it.  Nor did I read anything about it.  Junk is junk.  I was a bit nervous about looking too much like a boob.  Not that... well... a boob in the right perspective is a beautiful thing...  But you know what I mean.  I lit up the machine, gave him some advice about charging, and pulling the plug until the laptop says it's hungry.  Then to work.

It was a bit disconcerting, as I knew it would be.  I knew where nothing was, how well it was set up, or such.  A good ten minutes figuring a few things out and then my friend said, what he really wanted, was to set up the printer.  The disc was in the machine, if I could find the access to that.  Okay, that wasn't how I had planned things.  I had hoped to learn well enough to find the links Desert Cat proffered regarding Win 8 fixes.  Still, I would try.  Within moments I found how to access the dvd, and get the driver setup going.  I couldn't remember if this was wi-fi enabled, so asked for the manual, and... nope.  I asked if a cord had been packed with the machine.  Only this... just an rj-11, or  such... the phone cable, for faxes.  Nothing else?  Nope.  Still, I did look through the box, just in case.  The manual was useless and I wasn't into reading fine print to come up with nothing anyway.  So I looked the printer over.  Ah... a place for the cord, but no cord.  Drivers installed, the system was just waiting for a way to talk to the printer.  Off to Best Buy.

Cords were easily found.  The system seemed to indicate that the cord was purely usb.  I didn't trust the system.  So, I opened a package and checked on the same printer as his that was in the store.  Nope, not what the system indicated.  My next try, what I would have guessed, was the right thing.  As I was opening THAT package, help arrived, quickly and nearly breathlessly.  Nothing like a huffing doll of a redhead to... ignore.  Hey, it's how the game is played.  Still, I did listen to her, a bit, even gave her a noncommitted head-to-toe and back visual review, as I finished unpacking and checking the second cord.  Now I know how to get help quickly.  The last four times I have been in the place I couldn't get help for asking for it.  Simple, start opening packages.  Wee!  We paid for that and headed out.  Lunch, my friend asked.  Lunch indeed. We both... had our usual.  I was able to eat it all this time.  Plus my usual five glasses of tea.  Nothing tastes better, or worse.  It's just that I had room in my stomach, and used it.  It's been a while since I have eaten, or been able to eat, strongly.

Back to his place.  I fitted the cord, then finished setting up the printer.  It said everything was good, so I went ahead and registered it.  Oh, the printer we purchased, just a month ago, for $69 was up to $99.  Just in time.  I could not find a picture to print.  And when I tried to print from a search engine, I was only given the option to save the photo, and something else just as useless.  I did save a photo, but couldn't find where it had been saved.  I looked in the titled photo area... nothing.  Ah well, perhaps his sister, or his other friend, can help him check the printer.  Or I will, next time I visit.

I then set about to hook him up with YouTube.  I knew it would be very foreign, but knew how to draw him too it.  What, I asked, is a song or movie you would like to see, from way back.  Some war movie, about the flying fortresses, or some such.  Boom.  While YouTube suggested the full movie was in there, I could not find it.  But... I wasn't going to stay to watch it.  A song, I suggested.  *blank*  How about a dame you used to like?  He asked if I had heard of Brenda Lee.  Of course.  I may have used her here, sometime long ago, or at least considered it.  Not sure.  He gave me a specific song to seek.  I found it quickly, then played it.  The speakers on the laptop aren't so good.  I suggested we look for proper headsets when I visit next.   He had some, earbud types.  We tried those.  While those are much better as to sound quality, they were still rather weak.  Still, better is better.  I think he enjoyed.

Then I tested his rock bona fides, and searched for and played Tales of Great Ulysses by Cream.  He... may or may not have heard that song, or group.  I just couldn't tell.  Well, okay...  White Rabbit, by Jefferson Airplane.  Bingo.  Watching Grace Slick, in her tender years, brought back... well... I think my friend actually went back in time.  I think I touched a nerve, but a good one.  He became a much younger man, right before my eyes.  Booyeah.  But... that was exactly what I was looking to develop.  It's that... thing... that magic... that will draw someone past their fears and inhibitions about a tech, or a woman, or... whatever.  I had fed him some other things, like perhaps there might be a documentary about his aircraft carrier.  He is a Vietnam vet from the Navy.  There might be things showing where those planes that left his deck went, what they did, and such.  No promises, just a maybe.  I also showed him the penguin baby showing joy at being tickled, and a confrontation between a younger bear and a pack of wolves, to give him some other examples of what was out there.  Then, once I set the system up, I showed him how to find YouTube, canceled that out, and had him do it several more times.  There aren't a lot of steps, but for someone who has spent a life and a half without having touched a keyboard, with the novelty and... natural fears, it is daunting.

I told him I would be back Monday, if not for him to call me.  He suggested his sister will be there Monday, and then asked if Tuesday would be better.  Sure enough.  I will just go over some other things with him.  I know how to check his email.  Perhaps we can figure out the printer, and I can show him a few things about it.  And I did get those Win 8 to 7 fixes on, temporarily.  I would like to tinker with that and see how it works a bit more fundamentally.  Sometimes, on some things, I could revert to windows frames, sometimes the option didn't appear.  I'll try to figure that out and get it straight, then teach that.  I was getting far too tired.  Especially with the meal.  I had to head out.  Oh, but groceries!

I had done so well.  Some dry goods, coffee, tobacco, but milk, cream, a few veggies, some fruit (saw blood oranges, yum (go figure)), some soda just to not be only drinking coffee, water, and milk...  But could I do that?  How to convince myself?  Mc...  What?  Don...  Hmm?  McDonalds, you dolt.  Go to the store, and McDonalds is on the way back out.  Oh?  Oh!  You are a bastard!  Yeah?  But I'm YOUR bastard, innit?  Yeah... *sigh*  So, I made it to the store, and McDonalds.  I was still full from lunch, but that didn't matter.  Yum!  I even picked up the mail on the way in.  My 7.62x39 mag reloader was in, and fit in the box somehow.  Those ladies are great.

Oh, and I have been up all day.  About to die, but...  Not... really die.  Just pretty dead on my feet.  I just have to come down a little, then I'll hit it, hard.  And... set the alarm.  I'll give myself ten hours, since I have been up a day and an half.  More if I really need it.  But, back up, early, if I can.  I have already fed the girls twice, for their normal day.  But, since I am up, and feeling generous, they got another dose of the yum stuff.

What a day.  I am spent.  Well worth it.  I just hope I can get him ready to handle the brave new tech world he is just about to engage in.  I think my Desert Cat's fixes will make it easier for his other friend to help, maybe, and his sister.  Win 8 well and truly sucks.  Never mind, deal with the hand you are dealt, which I did.  And... better than I thought I could.  Tight small keyboard, Win 8, no mouse when I was initially messing with it in the recliner...  Don't complain, just do.  Complain... later, or to someone who has a micro fiddle, or...  you.  :)

Oh, right, there is one more trick that helps people become natural computer users...  The simple free games.  As you are trying to get good at those silly things, your typing and mouse skills improve dramatically, automatically, without you having to think about them.  Games were initially created just for fun, but some well thinking software engineer realized their worth to skill enhancement, which is why they are included with many OS's for free, I do believe.  Yeah... maybe I can help him out, and turn him into a cyborg.  There has to be an interest, if some of that will have to, initially, be... artificial.  You... didn't think war was the only thing ol' Doom could teach, did you? 

Good night.

Okay, looks like a green light.

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Unless that is a short range sniper using a green laser?  Never mind.  I do believe I have enough going to get a shower, clean up a bit on top of that, and get to town.  I have no idea how much juice I have.  The best thing, in this situation, is to move as fast as I can.  I want to hit... one, two, three, and maybe four stores...  Hmm...  I might be able to consolidate two of those.  Yes.  Wait, there is still the coffee shop.  Yeah, four stores.  It's basically getting on to well past bedtime.  Still... I think I'll make it.

Shopping, then a meal.  Before I eat, though, I will call my friend and see if he wants to get out.  That'll require me to dig a bit deeper, but... while I'm at it... if I can.  Just to knock my shopping out of the way first, so I don't have that hanging over my head.  Hmm, could show him my new scope and take-down iron sights.  If he answers.  I'll be just about calling him somewhere between 11:00 and noon, if I get the hustle on and push through the shopping slalom at speed. 

Hmm, I am curious how is machine is running and if he needs anything that way anyway.  My turn to take him to lunch.  But where to go!  Never know.  Never mind, food takes care of itself.  I best get going.  Later.

Days and nights are almost perfectly inverted.

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There has been little movement in several days.  I am out of coffee, but I saw it coming this whole week, so much so that I regulated my usage, hoping I would alter my schedule so as to push my schedule around enough to make it into town at a time the coffee shop would be open.  It's a specialty shop, so...  I guess I have made it later in the morning a few times, but have always been too tired, then, to take advantage of it.  I am running out of a lot of things.  The goal is to make it into town today.  Well, that is the goal again, again, again, again... 

My sleep has been decent.  But something is just off.  Food has not been digesting, as I had suggested.  I have a lump of food, it seems, feeling like the remnants of my few meals for the week.  Oh, I'll fix that too.  One meal at McDonalds is almost as good as half a cabbage at... well... draining the swamp.  Further, taking my medication regularly has taken a hit.  It's a short term, I hope, system shut down.  It has been raining... for a while now.  Days, but I can't tell how many.  At least the last three nights, perhaps more.  It is, actually, quite a lovely thing.  And we do need the water.  Between nights and rain, though, the sun has not been a part of the equation, which doesn't help.  It is cool, but not what I would call cold.  If it is warm enough to rain, it just isn't cold.  That, too, is probably part of the mix.  Rain weather is, really, a bit warm for my blood, at least coming out of winter, until I acclimate again.  Bleh.

Never mind, I'll keep plugging away, fixing what I can, trying to push were possible, restarting meds when I inadvertently drop them, and so on.  It's just the way it happens sometimes.  Oh, but I have been keeping up on the girls.  Litter, food, water, hard food, attention.  They keep some part of me in the flesh.  It's a pain, at times, but they are worth the effort.  And that is good for me.  I can only imagine what kids and a wife do.  Nutses!  :)

Oh, with warmer weather I have been inundated with boxelder bugs.  I have some other problems as well.  To that end I did a bit of research regarding problem solvers.  I mostly worry about the girls, I can handle such things.  I found what I can use, various forms, and did a little bit of deeper research and have decided on the solution.  The next time I am in town I will look for it.  There is a decent chance local stores don't carry it, but I have found a source if local buying fails, or proves prohibitively expensive.  I'll try the entryway, first.  If that doesn't work, I'll have to hit several parts of the cave, but the girls will have to go out and play until it dries, three hours and change, or that is what I have read.

Well... 7:11 eh?  No, the time.  I might just make it to town.  Ugh.  Later.

Why, Doom? Why do you hate?

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Hate?  My turn to do some laughing.

I don't hate.  It, beyond being against the nature of my Lord, is very bad business.  I'm not even IN business, but I am very much a believer in economic realities.  I believe in the principle of people offering coin from the sweat of their brow for goods, services, and properties.  Choices, with some regards to fairness, both implied and unspoken, are how life really works best.  Actually, free-market economies that are raised to a level of reasonable expectations fall perfectly in line with my notions regarding faith.  They are two legs of the human triangle, the third being non-economic social relations.

My notions regarding, for example, advanced education, is not based on biases.  It is based on seeing education not as a right, but as a product, an investment, a cost.  Now, given that something is seen in this light, who should receive it, and what should be expected of those who receive it?  More so with government involvement, transferring money that could be spent on other things into the pool to allow education for more people, many of whom are simply not competent to receive it.  The expectation is that any expenditure result in a net gain.  For the individual, for society, and even for the government through increased tax revenues.  If it does not do that, then it either becomes an expense that prevents other, positive, goods and services from being presented, or it has to be ended.  And much of the education dollars that go to people who never end up producing the cost of their education has become a drain on society.  That actually starts with public education, where the schools are forced to educate children who are forced to be there.  It is unsustainable, illogical, and impractical.

The simple notion, that one has to understand, is that, in America, right now, we are living large.  We live as if we have an endless supply of gold, cheap enough labor to make that profitable, and an endless supply of gold buyers.  The truth is, we have none of those things.  Before we started buying our own debt (in laymen terms, that is writing our own checks to ourselves, then cashing them, somehow), we were borrowing 41 cents per dollar spent, from China.  China doesn't want to buy our worthless checks anymore, so we have, as noted, started buying our own debt, somehow.  Oh, and printing more of them to buy from ourselves, as well as handing those out to political cronies for companies that go bankrupt.  Now, when this catches up with us, we will have some very limited choices.  They will not include educating everybody and to no good end.  Education, will, again, become a commodity, as it really should be.  How many women are paying for an education they never used in such a way as to pay society back through tax base increases?  While, if they are having children and raising them, they have done a far better thing, the cost they incurred is now irrecoverable in a timely fashion.  They could have had children without incurring a cost on society.  How many women are single, pursuing a dead-end career, or even the few in successful careers, having surrendered having a family, while a million aliens a year, legally and who knows how many illegally, are flooding our borders taking up the lower level employment slop and changing our demographics and politics?  Seriously?

Every ill we have going on now, in society, in government, in economics, is an attempt to avoid the facts that we are not rich enough to actually live the way we do.  With every new notion, such as gay marriage, being either a distraction, or an attempt to disrupt the natural course of things to attempt to keep the fiction we live alive.  The longer we dig, the harder we push, the farther we get into it, the worse the eventual outcome.  Something has to give, and it will.  For those who are completely vested in having a good, bloodless, nice life, with no costs or doubts or fears or truth?  Oh, this is going to hurt.  If you want to see how bad, simply cut electricity off to a major city for a week, without telling them it is coming or when it will come back on.  *blink*  And... it is coming.

So, as to hate?  None here.  Just an understanding of the economic and social factors that are, and have been, true to man, since he bit the forbidden fruit.  It's just the way it is.  There are two ways to deal with it.  As practically, judicially, logically, and morally as is possible, or by mob rule... i.e. socialism and communism.  Those are, really, the two choices.  Neither are completely fair.  There will be losers and winners, though in the former the games are based on who is fastest, smartest, best and in the latter the outcomes are based on who has the guns.  Simple choices.  Socialism will guarantee, for those who can choke it down, aren't butchered because they aren't willing to go along with it, and aren't murdered as an example of who has the guns, a small life based on social, political, and economic rules by the rich is guaranteed... as long as they obey... whatever the rules say.  In that sense, I suppose, it is safer.  But it will never be utopia.  There is no such thing, here on earth, now. 

Just... clearing some things.  It's a... hobby of mine.

What I believe, what I want, and what will be.

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Many people truly despise my notion of how things should be.  Segregation and laws balanced differently according to ability and accountability?  You bet.  Women, mainly, kept out of academia, most professions, the military, and so on?  Sure.  An end to public education for the most part?  To a degree.  Although a serious shake-up in that system, and the creation of various tracks, along with a different set of educational goals, away from propaganda, for example, could convince me that an 8th grade education might be a reasonable thing to provide for those who can't or won't do that.  Then again, an 8th grade education a century ago was more than kids are getting all the way through college at this point, and at a fraction of a fraction of the cost.

Oh, but... no worries.  There is nothing I could do to create these things.  Right?  Absolutely correct.  I have no power to enact any of this.  But then, I don't need to do one solitary single thing.  Your current leaders, the ones you vote for, the ones you think are so clever and are on your side?  They are doing it for me.  If I didn't have an objective moral compass barring me from simply using logic, I would simply support exactly who you are supporting.  Definitely Democrat for speed, but Republicans are keeping that cattle car rolling from behind.  They only get conservative when conservatives try to push the train in the right direction.  They slam on the breaks, deciding to think things over, until they can surrender to the Dems for the next great leap forward.

No, you go on.  Keep voting as you have been.  There is a serious dip coming, regardless.  Essentially this train has gone too far out on a poorly constructed, ill advised as to location and design, bridge.  It won't hold for much longer.  That's just the way of it.  From the government's undercutting of social norms and familial ties, to social allowances and acceptance of drugs and crime, to lots of other things.  The load is too much for the support.  How that all will shake out is anyone's guess.  Socialists/communists think their side will win.  The problem is there truly are more good people than there are thieves and wolves, and they haven't, yet, been able to disarm those they are wanting to rob.  While some in the military and police might consider joining the bad guys, for "our sakes", they aren't suicidal.  Conservatives think they will win, but the problem with conservatives is that they really aren't well organized.  Which is how such a small group of robber politicians have been able to assume power.  The military is in a civil war, top to bottom, which... like in the civilian sector, won't end up well if Custer decides to charge.  Christians are just as divided.  It will get ugly as resources become scant and choices have to be made.  Tribal, boys and girls.

Yeah, so, keep voting for your gay marriage supporting politics.  Even if you don't think you are, you are.  Keep voting for union support.  Keep voting for the guy that is on your side.  It doesn't matter, I have already won, even if I lose.  If you want to know what socialists do with gays, once they are in power, read a little history.  They don't, like me, kindly and not so, suggest they keep in the closets and their hands off kids, they kill them.  If you want to know what they do with minorities?  Even in Russia, today, blacks are out and out called monkeys.  Some socialist blacks moved there, thinking it was utopia, and found out just what a socialist utopia means for them.  And women?  If a state can give you the power to kill your children, it can force you to have them.  The state is for, and of, the state, when it has the guns.  Your interests are of no concern to it.  It isn't safer.  It truly doesn't care.  And, no, Obama does not love you.

I simply, almost, wish I could join you, profit off it all, and still get my way.  As is, I have to keep fighting the inevitable.  Well, and socialists always take it too far.  Instead of segregation and exclusion, they just jump whole hog into genocide.  Well, the train wreck might end up changing things up in the right direction.  We'll see.

Just weird.

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But I'll show you an example of the things that happen to me all of the time.  I would love to say that I am the one who nails things.  The truth is, I simply notice them.

Advice?

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Remember, advice is usually worth exactly what you paid for it.  Assuming you don't include the time investment.  When you get good advice, on very rare occasions, and it's something you don't already know, however, then it can become quite valuable.  Then again, if you are given a ton of gold, but never sell it, you have gained nothing.  In other words, even good advice is only as valuable as you make it.

While looking around on YouTube, the internet, and other sources, I find a lot of people handing out advice that is less than valuable.  I do look at ideas, both to compare and potentially learn.  Combat, truly, is an act of the mind.  It takes on a form of reality when it goes from the mind to the environment.  So... thinking on these matters is important.  Every man, whether he knows it or not, on some level, is a warrior.  Some have quit beforehand, and will surrender.  Some have chosen to be the warrior within a family unit or clan, and thus have a slightly different ROE.  And, most will never have to do more than social posturing... that's another term for bluffing.  And yet, when God calls, sometimes all of our best laid plans, our hopes, our intent, are swept aside and we are left to deal with the realities at hand.  So... better to be ready.  And know... surrender will not see you to survival, just a quicker, possibly less painful, death.  Unless someone deems you healthy enough to work to death.  Still, it's your choice.

I saw a man, decked out in a t-shirt, bluejeans, a highly modded m-15, and tattoos costing more than his clothing and gear.  He was describing how to stand so as not to be thrown off while shooting in a standing position.  Ostensibly for tactical training.  Now, that is fine for the range, or plinking in some field, I guess if I would still argue against that as a general rule (shoot as you plan to shoot), but that should never be conflated with a tactical stance.  Unless you plan to mow down unarmed people.  If that is your plan, don't answer that.  And you are doomed.  The thing is this...  In a tactical situation, if you are on your feet so as to purchase territory through advancement, or find cover (I would go with the cover, then advancement, mind you), and you are in a hostile environment, you won't be planting your feet so that you may shoot from a standing position.  I suppose there is some call for that, in very limited situations, but not enough to give advice as to how best to do that.  The best advice that can be given regarding how to shoot is... to tell people to get out and shoot.  Experience will demand that you begin to figure things out on your own.  The cost of bullets and the marks on the ego from missing will fix teh stupid.  More?  What works for me may well not work for you.  Trust me hard on that last.

I guess what I am saying is, if you really want to understand some things, go do them.  True, you can't reasonably be expected to train in live-fire conditions.  Too many of you will not survive.  You can't just do what you wish, and some people can't handle surviving in a tight corridor.  Raise your head?  Lose it.  But you can, while target shooting, consider exactly what you would really do if someone was shooting at you.  Stand there, plant your feet just so, take aim, and shoot?  Yeah, no.  You drop to your belly, or lunge toward cover as fast as your little legs will carry you, depending on some factors you won't understand, always, even if you survive.  Though, with a little real life experience, assuming you survive, you will begin to make... better choices.  If the truth is, in a long enough war, survival rates on any individual drops to zero.

If you want to learn tactics, first, get out and shoot.  Then, think of the situations in which you might find yourself, and consider what you might do.  After you have filled out the notions as well as you can, practicing what you would do, and if you still feel the need, find tactical trainers.  While they might well take a noob, and your money, fresh off the boat, you won't be getting your full money's worth if they are having to teach you how to reload your rifle, or deal with your phobias regarding scratching your rifle, 'touching the dirt' with your clothes, or even keeping a solid safety barrel position.  They will babysit you, but only up to a point.  Don't bug them until you deserve to bug them.

Now, that is advice you can take to the bank.  But I can't do that for you.  You want it?  Go get it.  Now... get off my damned porch!

Why science is failing.

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Why?  It is very simple, no matter how complicated the math, no matter how sure the observed, no matter how solid the physics, science isn't about proving, it's more about the opposite.  Too much of science has invested itself into engineering.  Engineering is based on what is known, calculable, doable, not why or how or such.  A good scientist will look for why not, and keep that as his premise.  There are shelves upon which to set things.  This, is true, for these variables, as far as we know, for example.  The next step is to find where that doesn't work, not to then suggest that it must therefore be the truth.  Lazy, corrupt, ignorant, coddled.  Science is the cold hard fact that no matter how much we know, we are still wrong.  But that, like science's mother faith, is too hard.  Even that, which is much less than faith, is too hard for too many, in their own field.  So... they go with the easy, with the candy, with the junk food.  And it shows to those of us who know both child and parent.

Laughed, she did.

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The other day I posted a response to a woman, and what I assumed was fear about a certain topic.  Not long after, I heard this tinkling laughter.  Oh you, I seemed to hear.  That was not the fear.  And I received a clarification.

What was feared, it seems, was not what I had suggested.  Then again, the fear was hidden.  I don't even think it was meant to be presented to me.  It just eked out a little message, somehow, and floated my way on the threads of consciousness.  Can't blame me completely.  But now I do understand.

The fear wasn't about men as mates, or me in particular, or any such thing.  It was the notion that my take on equality, and some other issues, between men and women... might just be right.  Oh, don't think she is surrendering her pride, or giving up her place in the world, if that isn't what I have ever asked or implied.  And don't believe she is... fully agreeing.  Her pride, ego, won't let her... considering how she views my assertive stance.  But she is, after great care in thought and consideration, beginning to question much of what she has believed to this point.  A pivot point, after solid reconsiderations.

Changing a mind does not come without fear.  We build domiciles for our minds and wills.  We strengthen the walls, we learn and adjust the maze within, we add justification to support.  So, when we tear out a wall, remove a room, or even consider moving to a new psychic castle altogether, there is fear.  That, I am told, is the fear which I felt.  Who?  Don't know, or... won't say.  Might just be in my mind, you... do know that I am crazy, right?  Never the mind.  That is what I felt, how I responded initially, the clarification, and... my final thoughts.

Don't worry, ma'am.  There is no issue with your value here.  If you sidle over to my side of the force, you would only... be seen as more... important... in terms of valuation.  I myself had to surrender much of my ill-conceived self valuation and ego to become... much more, and by becoming much less.  And, at least for me, I was happy to let go of my fleshly appeal to my own worth and find value in being less than what I simply wanted, demanded, or could take.  I grew up.  It hurt, I feared, now I am loving it.  No lies to bury, no hate to carry around, no ideas have to be avoided, and my intellect is satisfied that what I understand matches with what I now believe.  Harmony.  So I'm not my own, or king in flesh, or superior, or even my own.

Even if you didn't change, what many don't understand, is that I still love them.  My Father taught me these things, my Brother gifted me with an pure example, and the Holy Spirit filled me with what it takes to do so.

Still, if you are coming over, do not fear... for long.  Just enjoy the free air.

As the situation worsens.

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I find myself considering issues much more seriously.  This includes the notion of police, sheriff, and other leo officers.

I remember, as a child, rooting for Bat Masterson, Wyatt Earp, along with a host of other real and fictional good guys.  The Lone Ranger, Batman, and others come to mind.  Of course, there were notions of anti-heroes, and cheering select among those on, of whom Batman would probably have been the first.  And while my notions have matured, many of my understandings of those earlier heroes went unchanged.  In this time, even those are being reviewed.

The most recent such man to come under very close review regarded Wyatt Earp, and the O.K. Corral incident.  Why?  Because the story hinges on the lines of gun control, personal responsibility, legal and potentially illegal use of force, and a host of other notions.  It hit me like a brick, while recently watching a pseudo documentary.  I have, several times, studied the events that took place.  And, everything about the docu-drama was rather spot on, from what I remember.

A town, with a number of industries and standard townfolk, was having issue with, essentially, rather lawless cowboys.  A gang of them.  The leader had been killed in Mexico while trying to rustle cattle, or perhaps he was robbed of stolen cattle and killed.  Hard to say, down there.  The thing is, he was known for stealing cattle in both the US and Mexico, moving them across the border, and selling them.  The members of that gang held together.  And, because of the money they brought to the town, and their less than civilized social order, expected and pretty much were allowed, to be rather lawless.

The city chose to shut that down.  They required that guns be turned in when in town.  Now, in a lawless town, that is a risky proposition, more so to those who cause much of the lawlessness.  This is where I had to consider the factors involved.  "Shall not be infringed", is rather plain.  And, yet, this wasn't outside of the realm of reason, considering that alcohol was often involved.  States can, and all of them I am aware of do, limit people with guns regarding alcohol consumption.  Often even not allowing guns in bars.  Having been a bouncer, however, I know just how well that law actually works... even in a state where permits to carry were rarely handed out to mere civilians.  Yeah...  You learn to see prints, if nothing else than to know who to watch.  The thing is, that law imperiled city citizens and the law was weak as to their defense.  I have to wonder if any civilians were killed due to being unarmed while the Cowboys were allowed to ignore the law at times?

On the other side, you had two different groups of lawmen.  One which went strictly by the letter of the law, and pushed it.  The other whic was pretty much against infringement, at least for their outlaw allies.  Neither of which was strictly on their chosen side for strictly legal reasons.  Each had a cut of some enterprise or other to protect.  Nothing clean here.  Business, all business, all the time.

Up until recently, I generally gave leo the balance of favor.  I can't say that is at an end.  Only that the review of current events is a bit more stringent.  I never offered a blind eye, though, nor a wink and a nod, save in very select situations.  As for literal civilians?  Generally I don't trust them either, and less than officers.  Simply put, there are a lot of trouble makers and troubled folk out there.  Drugs are becoming a huge issue.  Meth, heroine, and some other new and old crap is coming online.  People who use those, or even pot, can't be counted on to act rationally or be trusted even if they are sure of what they saw.

I have always known that there is a bit of... imbalance... in every leo personally and agency wide.  I know things are done, allowed, and not allowed, that have nothing good to do with the law.  Only in a fabled world of utopian dreams could it be different.  Police, to a degree, are there to maintain order, offer justice, and protect and defend.  But they are standing in a very precarious position.  Further, they are simply human.  The whole justice system is also slightly rigged, for fear, for money, bowing to power.  It is just the way it is, and will remain, until perfection is had.  It's a matter of options.  There are some hopes, and limits, with any force.

As an individual, among individuals, I am reasonably competent at bringing my own order to the game.  However, that is not how this game is played.  People group up, guns are equalizers, and the reality is that without the law officers, things would go tribal, more tribal, and fast.  If you want to see what that looks like, visit some of the places in the city where law is broken.  If you want to test your metal, go there, alone, at night.  I have, but you aren't me.  It's not what you want.

The trick is making sure that the actual innocent aren't harmed in the rigging, that wolves are kept with wolves, the sheep with the sheep, and some order is maintained, and just realize that it is the way it is.  Further, whether perfect, always right, or what, the law has to be bent so as to be applied relatively evenly.  It isn't as simple as many naysayers wish.  There aren't enough law enforcement bodies to make it so, and if there were, that itself would become a huge injustice.

So, yes.  I still give cops the edge.  I'll still back them.  And yet I'd like to see some grooming in there.  It is becoming clunky, those who shouldn't be being hassled are, and too many who should be hassled aren't being dealt with.  Things are becoming unbalanced.  And, to an extent, I do blame drugs, though having an unconstitutional government is bending lots of things out of true.  The whole place is falling down, big cities first.  Thankfully, at the moment, and to my knowledge, I live in a relatively reasoned legal environment.  But just a few towns away, I am hearing that break-ins of autos and homes is taking place.  Meth, I hear.  When people can't be dealt with reasonably, they must be dealt with unreasonably.  The problem is, those who are law abiding, especially if armed, can easily land in the crossfire in a war they may not have even known existed.

Things to think about.  Best to think about them ahead of time.  I still have to think that unless they can perfect no-knock searches, they need to end those.  And, if break-ins continue?  It will be difficult to lower a weapon if someone breaks in while people are asleep, then yells "Police".  What are your odds?  Police better rethink, just as we are.  Things are getting ugly.  Decide who your allies are, check your adrenalin, and check your fire.  Go after the ones that are a problem.  Shut down meth and the other actively bad drugs.  I hate to say it, but when you know?  SSS.  Just make sure you are hitting the right target.

One notion hit me, as I was getting ready to get ready.

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I got this sense that a woman feared me.  And that it has been... bothering her.  I had to laugh.  Gently, no need to be snide about it.  Not for me, in any case.  It matters little to me.  Why?

Find me a standard, typical in most common senses, woman.  Let me discuss a few things with her.  If she is still at home, does she fear her parents?  I mean it, downright fear, on some topics.  What about her teachers?  Does she fear them.  Does she ever break out into a sweat if she realizes she forgot to prepare for class in such a way that her instructor will know, directly?  Or even have had the thought pop into her mind.  Does she fear her peers, her nakedness, our even being ignored and overlooked?  If she is faithful, does she fear God?  Does she know how she fails in her faith, and understand the price of that.  Even a slight sin displeases God.  Then... why on earth would she not fear me?

As a fact, if a woman doesn't fear me, she has no worries.  If she finds a man who scares her a great deal, that is a man she might consider, or run away from.  If he is righteous, she should understand her fears are no more and no less than any of the fears she already has, just a new one in a new way, and it is given for a reason.  She, as a woman, is a fearful creature.  And that is good.  It is what she does with her fears that will decide if she goes on to be a rightfully fearful creature or just another woman, scurrying between temporary shelters, to end up as most emancipated women have truly feared, old, broke, unemployed, and alone.

Deal with your fears, that is bravery, and the safer path.  Hedge your bets.  It's no guarantee, much as hard work is no guarantee of success.  Both, however, in their place, certainly offer more hope than simply hiding from fear, or hard work in the latter.  Do both and you almost can't lose.  Actually, even if you lose, you will not have lost.  I think of the story of the talents, given to slaves.  While most gained, one buried the talent to keep it safe, and lost everything.  There is no clue as to what would happen if the holder had pursued greater wealth and lost some portion.  My guess is... he would have been simply allowed to keep what of his loss remained.  Just... something to think about. 

Bah!  Best get going.

A bit of research while waking.

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An email brought a reminder, and a hint, about something that had been introduced here.  APAs, or Amateur Press Alliances, where both reading and writing are involved, on specific topics, to interested and hopefully better informed fellows interested in specific topics.  A bit of a review has turned up some APAs.  So far, most have been of various sorts of arts and gaming, from comic book purveyors to fans, role-playing gamers, studio insiders, and such.  I am hoping to find, perhaps, some groups more focused on maths, sciences, engineering, and such.  Although technical shooting, haiku poetry techniques, and some other topics would be given a solid review.  And, really, a linux or BSD-Free (or other format) open architecture OS group wouldn't be bad.  Better a more general than more specific group for that latter, would be preferred. 

I will be starting all over in some of these areas.  My articles would probably start out rather simple, compared to old hands.  And I will probably never rise to the cream of the crop on cutting edges of any of those topics, perhaps maybe haiku in my alternative nature of it.  What I have found that I can be exceptional at, however, is taking a micro piece of an area, and defining and redefining it for clarity.  Too small and you lose cohesion, too big and you are simply dealing with generalities.  The question is, how well can you dial in psychic scope to review, and truly clarify, the mechanisms involved.  That I can be good at.  Still, I will be a spanking new padawon learner, in whatever topic(s) I might choose to pursue.  That is, of course, assuming I can find, or even create, such a group.

The problem, save for, potentially, haiku... is that most in those fields of my interest are not literary minded.  As well, the internet, professional outlets, and small relational groups, fill much of the void of in-field exploration in a more relaxed setting.  So there simply might not be a real draw for some disciplines.  Getting such a thing started, might be possible, probably recruiting in colleges.  Starting with students, but that might well draw a few professors in, and possibly students who go on to a career might enjoy staying in the thing, once started.  It allows for mistakes, and possibly rebuttal, but without career-affecting issues.  And, it allows for improvements in one's own understanding of particular problems.  Students might have difficulty simply with time management issues, though summers are a good time to do... off schedule revisions of notions that were problematic.  Dunno... dunno... looking, checking, thinking.

Life isn't easy.  You can get what you need, not always what you want.  But this notion is interesting, if I can get it to fly.

Oh, right.  I'm awake.  Time to get a shower, get to town, and... see what else I can do.  If I am up to it, vacuuming when I get back.  Later.

Crappy night, stupid sleep cycle, but that isn't the end of it.

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What is happening I can't be sure.  It's not sickness, though medicine might be playing some odd part, as with weather.  As the days heat up, I am having difficulty adjusting the thermostat just right.  The days are too hot right until they hit frigid.  I can sense the relative heat out there.  It's already creeping in.  So, perhaps, my schedule is changing as my body chases the cool.  I really do prefer cool.  As does my body... two very different entities, mind you... not always in accord.  Like a magnet, with cool being north, and the seasonal change being a slow magnetic change, I didn't notice this particular, and potent shift.  I have finally nailed down what my seasonal problem is.  It's two-fold.  Light.  But full spectrum lamps don't actually help.  And temperatures, but radiant not "felt"... or natural worldly temps, not what a furnace can offer.  And, really, it is when those are in greatest flux that I have the most problems.  Cold?  I love it.  Heat?  If it is dry I can rise above it, surf it sort of... mostly... if I have a cool cave to escape within as needed.  But this flux leaves everything all crazy and all over the place.  I don't think there is a solution to it.  It must simply be suffered, as with much of life.  King to pauper, knight to lady, life is about suffering what cannot be changed, changing what can be, and attempting to gain the wisdom to know the difference.  My age and health actually aren't large parts of the problem, or yet.  This thing is all it's own.  I wonder if the equator would hold any solutions?  Yeah, for stability.  But also for third-world living.

I think there is much to be said for withstanding suffering.  Look at the nations which live in weather, or seasonal, "paradise", and their lack of advancement.  These places have, and probably never will, advance.  In these nations, when you have eaten, your job is done.  Shade you can find under a tree.  Clothes aren't terribly necessary.  I suppose a hut can be built, if you are bored.  Maybe boats, goes to food.  If food becomes scarce, just kill each other until there isn't a problem with food again.  I suppose you could call these places the fallen gardens of Eden.  That being both a blessing and a curse.  And... all good until iron boats and big boom-booms show up.  Well, honestly, no better or worse than civilized nations, just much simpler... if perhaps a bit more honest, and always imperiled.  Yeah... no.  I'll stick with large landmasses, the four seasons, the Northern Hemisphere, and right proper suffering.

Have you ever noticed, when even a beneficent advanced civilization shows up,  and decides to help?  What it is really about to do is destroy the simplicity, add layers of expectation that are impossible for the locals, steal the good land and pretty women, and take the prime food, water sources, and whatever else could equate to easier living and greater wealth.  Conquistadors are actually better.  They are honest about it, up front.  The others hide guns behind smiling faces and skirts who go out to teach and help the people "transition" (aka social workers).  They even bring law and order which is totally on their side.  Oh, I'm not in to reparations or anti-colonial, at all.  Christ actually... suggested doing just that, and He certainly was not a pacifist, merely a sacrifice in that time.  There are martyrs and their are soldiers of Christ.  Doing His work is simply sometimes... rather bloody.  And we can't always do it well, and abuse the notions from time to time... or often... whole cloth too often.  Still... it's how life goes, and will go, with or without Christian notions.  Rome was similar, as were Khan, Attila, Alexander the Great.  More honestly than modern globalists, but the results were quite similar.   But without Christian notions... the... urhm... resettlements are... much less advantageous to the indigenous.  As we are seeing with globalists. 

Never mind.  As I mentioned, last night was an ugly thing.  Sleep was just stupid, sloppy, and almost more irritating than pleasing.  I woke well enough.  I think I am feeling okay.  I am hoping to grab a shower and get to town, even as late as it is, though I am not sure what I can do.  But... something struck me today.  Like a bolt from the blue, I just became jazzed, juiced, electrified almost literally.  Yum!  It's the feeling, if much more fleeting, like when someone attacks me.  It is walking on the wind.  In those moments, so very rare as they are, that I can carry the world on my shoulders while juggling golden apples and figuring out how to give the world back, all without missing a blink.  It's those moments when body, mind, and soul are at their peak.  Oh, but... lads and lasses... that was a beautiful touching gift from God.  I won't say the corner has been turned.  I will say that I saw the light.  If it is an oncoming train?  It's mine or I will take it.

I have been trying to configure something in my mind.  My mom wants to visit, but when she visits she wants to redo the floor in the kitchen.  I can't do that this year.  Money, energy, time, health, add others, repeat twice for good measure, then take a nap!  No, not this year.  Next spring.  Sometime through this year I will be buying her tickets.  Then I will be saving.  I have no idea, so far, how much it will cost.  I am thinking... oh... $2k -$3k for a humble job, just for components.  I plan on redoing down to and including the sub-flooring.  I would love to redo the cabinetry, but that, if it ever does get done, will have to be homemade, and even that will be expensive just in materials.  I will probably have to redo the flooring under them at the same time.  I can do that one wall at a time in smaller doses, though.  Yeah, I'll need a pit boss and cosponsor... i.e. a nag with some mojo.  Thankfully, for me, if I have someone to track things, a wall of 3/4" plywood isn't beyond my ability to handle.  I am almost two men if someone else is around to help guide at corners or be brains for when brawn has used up that capacity.  However, I don't trust women to these things, so need to make up a plan and keep her to it beforehand.  She's a good whip, not an engineer.  And she might try to slide on things like leveling.  No huh-uh.  No will do.  Perfect, or as perfect as I can get it.

Anyway, yeah... I've figured out that problem.  It was ruminating in my haunted rooms, giving me no peace when it would rise from the mists and attack.  Handled.

This spring and summer is all about getting my shop in order, then redoing the bathroom floor, and finally fitting the water heater and new toilet.  I think I can, I think I can, I... nap?  Did someone say nap?  :p  The spring burn might be just what I need to kick the caboose into prime time.  If I keep on my meds and pack light enough to manage an easy return... it will do just that.  And... it is coming into spring, then summer, not ending and dropping into winter.  I will have little choice but to find my zenith.

Later.

I made it to bed. I did not make it to sleep.

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Down at 1:00, up at 3:00.  Sleep was so close and yet so far.  Feed has been off too.  I have tried to eat.  Since I had food ready too cook, I thought to go ahead with it.  I even, mostly, kept up on the dishes.  I pressured cooked thighs and drumsticks to well done, let them cool, then floured, dipped in egg, and finally coated in panko.  I wondered if my favorite food would... help.  Nah.  Food just doesn't taste good.  A bite and I feel full.  Three bites and I hit a wall and feel stuffed.  And it, none of it, tastes good.  I don't think my system is digesting food.  It seems to just sit in there.  Bleh.  Still, I gave it a stab.

I don't know what is going on, but lately I get the feeling I am stepping on toes, near and far.  Is everybody, my men friends as well, all of a sudden on the rag?  WTF?  I don't care.  I have tried to explain things.  At least for one, that seems enough.  Do I just talk (write) too much?  Do I get my peoples in trouble?  I just don't know.  If there women read here, or if they see where I am going, perhaps they...  That might be it.  Women, Catholic, Mormon, Jewish... don't like my notions.  And if they are in a particularly rebellious mood, or feeling exceptionally equal, or vulnerable, or just moody, they can send a lot o' hate my way, and direct it at their men.  There is that.  Funny thing is, a personal visit clears up all of that almost instantly.  Easy, for women especially, to hate from a distance, and sight unseen.  Though, on some topics... they can retain little undercurrents, eddies, of hate.  But then, many women have that.  It's the nature of the beast and the natural animosity between men and women.  It's... actually a God-given checks and balance to... maintain order.

I'm not too worried about it, save when the men folk start... grumbling and rumbling.  I'm never too sure if the women folk have broken them down or if they are in agreement on some point.  Then again, it is nearing spring and people are just a little grumpy when spring takes it's time to arrive.  I can just hibernate a wee longer, if need be.  Not all have that option.

I am still going to see about getting to town.  I might try a nap, in a bit.  The hope would be to wake in time to shower, primp, and get to town in time for a number of things.  Bleh...  It's going to be tough.  Later.

Bedtime?

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Strange.  But it looks like the lights are going out in Georgia.  All good.  I sleep when I can, or when I have to sleep, tailoring it as much as I am able.  Waking at 17:00 means I have only been awake for... seven hours?  But I am going to hit it, without choice, if gladly.  This is about what time I want to sleep, if the outer edge of the target.  I will simply set the alarm for 8:00 and see what happens.  Of course, that means I didn't get to much.  I'm good with that, if I can get back on a day schedule.  Crazy.

I think the common term to use here would be something like "Don't look a gift horse in the mouth".  Mind you, I think, if that saying truly emanates from the siege and destruction of Troy, assuming the story of said is true and all the mechanics work out, then the saying is idiotic.  Check the mouth of every horse that is gifted.  Perhaps do a colonoscopy while you are at it!  Check every gift unless you have the strength to ignore any hidden traps, tricks, or strings.

Use some... horse sense, and gloves... while checking.  Just... saying.

I couldn't eat much again tonight.  I simply am not hungry.  I forced a bit of it down, this time.  Something is just a wee off.  Nothing terrible.  I will survive.

Tomorrow?  If I get up at eight, and depending on if I need a nap, I will be getting into town, soon or late.  If I can.  That is the plan.  A bit of shopping.  But mostly I want to check in on my friend.  I'm a lousy friend, but... I am a friend.  I want to see how his computer is doing, whether he has it hooked up, and if I can help in any way.  Then take him out for a meal.  He has been eating cod lately, almost every time.  I was stuck on that for a long time too.  I understand.  Actually, at our usual spot, I am stuck on spicy italian sausage omelets, hold the green pepper, exchange for mushrooms. 

It would be nice to get out.  It's just been... winterish lately.  Not quite that cold.  No snow.  Just dark.  Though my sleep schedule might make it so that I wouldn't even see the sun, mostly.  Hmm, yeah...  Bedtime.  Good night.

Sometimes I don't realize my own... strength?

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I do things so naturally.  As ill as I am, at times, I am actually a slight miracle.  I don't see this.  Add in size and mind and purpose and will, throw in the humility to suffer God's will and bow to His reason, add in exceptional combat skills even if dated, and you have a creature whose word is powerful.  I don't see that.  And, yet, from time to time, while I play, others get nervous.  When I jest, people... even close folk, do checks to make sure everything is kosher.  It is difficult being a giant.  Even my laugh can incite terror.  And, yeah, I suppose I understand.  Which is why I do everything I can to keep my presentation as... benign... as possible.

Up, 17:00 when I got up, but...

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My schedule is doing it's thing.  It's a bit like a compass in a magnetic vortex, my schedule is unhinged from anything objective.  Actually, my system seems to prefer nights.  When I have tried to do a night schedule I can maintain that for a longer period of time.  The only exceptions are when I have a woman.  She can help me maintain a schedule a great deal better.  At this point I am not fighting for it, with it, against it.  I don't have the energy to do that and get the things done I want done.

Dishes last night, meat thawed and then put up.  I couldn't eat.  Dinner was good, but there was no capacity to eat.  I even tried to force it.  No dice.  Today?  I really am going to try to get vacuuming done, and sweeping.  If that goes forward, I might finally get to steam vacuuming the carpets, perhaps even the living room.  I may not move furniture, as that seems to be a complication.  The weight isn't the problem, it is more what to do with the furniture and such.  Bleh.  I just can't get it all straight AND do the heavy lifting.  One, or the other, sure.  Or even a bit of both.  Just not all of both.  See, this, again, is where a helper... helps.  For an ill bachelor, though, I think I do well.  Even if a little help, from time to time, keeps the thing in better trim.

So many things I mean to get at.  Cleaning, tinkering with the bathroom, getting the second bathroom working, setting up the workshop, tinkering in the reloading room, cleaning up then sighting in the ak, testing the new magazines for my pistol, target practice in general, getting some things going for my friend, prepping for the regional burn.  And, of course, staying on top of everything else.  The weather cooled, the sun seems to have started hiding away, and my schedule went astray, all complicating things a bit.  Oh, I'll get to it.  Never worry.  Insulin is the last medicinal hurdle, and I think even it is beginning to put a strain on things.  It does, sometimes, often, get worse before it gets better.  But if I ever get back on top of that wave, I should be... in pretty good shape.  As with all things, it is putting your pants on, one leg at a time.  I'm all but ready to get out and meet the world again.  At least, up to my potential, and maybe then some?  We will see.

Oh?  I've decided, in the bathroom, to redo the floor before installing the water heater and toilet.  I may even tear out the old water chest... sink facility... while I am at it, and just cap the lead for now.  The floor REALLY needs redone.  Further, I want a drain in there.  Nothing fancy, as to a drain, just a fitted stainless grate, piped to the drain, in case the water heater should ever give or the shower or toilet backflow.  When I redo the floor, I will also use thin enough materials that the bathroom is a lower than my bedroom so that it won't exit into the bedroom in almost any case.  I need to get to the kitchen floor soon as well, and will consider this solid practicum in a small enough space that I can figure it out pretty much solo, examine flooring materials, sub-flooring, and such, much more closely and practically (kitchen and bathroom flooring often share requirements).  Yeah, well... that is the thought for the moment.  Thankfully I can get under the bathroom through a relatively comfortable crawl space, to get a better look at things.  Yum?  Yeah, YUM!  :p

Later.

I'll keep at it.

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I did get the dishes washed a second time, then rinsed them, dried them, and put them up.  Meat should be thawed for a late meal tonight, I best put that in the refrigerator though.  Not much else happening.  Other than that, keeping the girls fed, in fresh water, and cat litter sorted is about it.  I would like to do more there just isn't, right now, much more to give.

I did meet a relative of a friend last night.  He has some common interests, and is headed into areas I am already in.  He may be stopping by some time soon to check out some things.  The nice thing about having various hobbies and past learning, is that sometimes you can help a newcomer just get a reasonable handle on things.  Sometimes I jumped in with both feet and then some, only to find it probably wasn't necessary.  Other times I have gotten some good information, some of which is ageless, timeless.  And I have the time and interest, with the correct candidates.  Oh, it's fine to have more than you really need, or would use.  But for most, especially those on a budget, it is good to hear some clear, reasoned, experienced thoughts on where and how to begin.

I set him up with a notion or two, on a subject or two.  Directions in one case, a couple of specific options in another.  I may end up helping him help himself on a few other topics.  Beside being a pleasure, understand that if you help your neighbor get a handle on some issues, that comes back to build your community.  I just hope he finds the time.  Oh, and he's a gamer too.  Better?  Good fellow, family man and all as well.  He's young enough, that if he digs in, as well as he can, as he really has, he... can get places in the areas he is discovering.  If I can help him save a nickel in the right places, and guide him to good ideas that streamline things, he might get just a bit farther a bit quicker.  Everyone will sell you anything, and everything, if you need it or not.  It's nice to have someone around who isn't in it for sales, but for your interests.

Nearly the end of the month, eh?  Well, I best get to a few things.  Where did the month(s) go?  Later, maybe good "night".

Can't call it a rough day.

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Up late, very late.  My schedule is toppling over.  My guess?  Insulin.  I have been working on getting that in order.  I am using old insulin, at lower doses.  But now that I have the rest of my medication going, I figured it was time to begin working on this.  I'm not too worried about daily stats, at the moment.  The dose is low, the medicine is old.  As I titrate up, and especially when the new medicine arrives, then I'll need to pay more attention until I get the blood levels right.  Then I can ease off on testing to three times a week, perhaps.

I soaked the dishes from my last meal, washed them, and have set them to a fresh soapy soak.  Two hours on the timer, which allows everything to soak well enough and the water to become workable.  As I was setting the dishes up for a fresh soak, I took meats out of the freezer.  Chicken will be pressure cooked, then fried.  As well, I will probably do a corned beef roast, with cabbage, carrots, and potatoes.  That just gives me some options.  I think I pulled out some pork steaks, as well.  Good for a change during the week.

What else is going on?  I guess just trying to stay busy and letting the schedule works it's way around again.  Yeah, I'm pretty toast, as to schedule.  I was using all of what I had of energy to fight for days.  Now that I am just letting it free-float it's way back around, I might be able to get to some other things.  We'll see.  Later.

Shocked.

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I saw it, recently.  Questions, doubts, fears.  But, I thought you were a good guy?  I thought you were reformed regarding women, life, God?  I thought... many things?

Oh, I am reformed.  The truth is, however, once you understand things, you are able to paint pictures of reality that are difficult for many to cope with.  There are many good men out there who either don't see what they are doing in order to maintain what they have or have buried it in the picture postcard life they lead.  As hard as that life may be, they aren't seeing the whole picture.  And, once there, they probably shouldn't.  Everything is pretty much in order.  They don't need to hit the gas, slam on the brakes, and life has mellowed for them.

Even a good man, a true one, is a terrible thing.  If he does what he is supposed to do, he will hurt his love, he will be destructive, he is a dangerous creature.  Even if he tells the truth.  Actually more so if he tells the truth.  I only promise that loving me will hurt but that the payoff, at this time in my life, is beyond golden.  The return is eternal.  But, too, love IS war.  I know each very well.  Better than average, even among my peers.  While I hold no great value in the wisdom of Sun Tzu, I do hold that some things written have some serious value, in war, thus in love too.

All warfare is based on deception. Hence, when we are able to attack, we must seem unable; when using our forces, we must appear inactive; when we are near, we must make the enemy believe we are far away; when far away, we must make him believe we are near.

And so it is.  Especially when vying for the best.

If your enemy is secure at all points, be prepared for him. If he is in superior strength, evade him. If your opponent is temperamental, seek to irritate him. Pretend to be weak, that he may grow arrogant. If he is taking his ease, give him no rest. If his forces are united, separate them. If sovereign and subject are in accord, put division between them. Attack him where he is unprepared, appear where you are not expected.

And so I do.

It is said that if you know your enemies and know yourself, you will not be imperiled in a hundred battles; if you do not know your enemies but do know yourself, you will win one and lose one; if you do not know your enemies nor yourself, you will be imperiled in every single battle.

And I do know myself, and my enemy.

It is a terrible thing to be a man, a master, a king prophet and priest.  It is being a shepherd and lord.  It is filling some mighty big shoes.  It means going all the way after going all the way.  If done correctly, it fundamentally changes a woman.  She is no longer a girl.  It is a blood exchange.  It is both horrible and beautiful to see, more so to be an actor in the change.  It is taking two lives, forfeiting them to an ideal, and then living with the consequences.  It is a blood oath with God and then each other.  It is a darkly beautiful thing.

So, yeah, I may seem evasive, or harsh, or dark.  But that is not all.  My hope I keep to myself, holding it to my breast as I would a gift from God, which it is.  But it is there too.  I just... sometimes...  It is the heavy part I share here.  Mostly.  To be a man, or man-like, son of God is... a lot of things.  Some of them are very heavy, hard, shadowy.  Do not fear.  It is not all of it, for me, or of me.  But I am terrible and I do know some of these truths intimately.

Even my man-friends?

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Yes, boys and girls.  It isn't just women who rage at the Doomster.  Oh, I understand artistic license, romantic notions, and lots of other fruity tooty.  I entertain the heck out of those myself.  But... never misjudge me.  If I see you floating on air, and outside of reason, I'm pulling out my blow dart and taking aim.  And I don't miss.  I told you, I am a bastard.  I also told you that I won't lie to you.  If I think you need a dose of the truth(tm), hold on.  It's gonna hurt.  But, be you a friend of mine, I am your bastard.  If, sometimes, a friend you would rather not have.  I've mentioned that, too, before.

Although, sometimes the feedback I get can be a little raw.  Knowing how sensitive I am about these things, you can probably guess my reaction.  *Oh tat tickles!  Quit it!  ahahaha ehehehehe ohoheheheahaha*

The good thing is, those who are in my circle... have learned through fire.  This shepherd of fire has earned some trust, some room for a bit of forgiveness if some see that need, and some things around and about allowing the friendships to last through rough spots.  And, actually, while it may not always seem like it, I have certainly learned to tap, rather than smash, with my various forms of mjolnir.  It may not seem like it, always.  You'll just have to trust me.  If I want to crack you to the soul, and not just into your psyche?  Done.  Still, spare the rod, spoil the boy.  I am simply not into spoilage.

You know, for an old, mostly dead, supposedly "out of it" old fart, I still have some whip action and potency left.  You should have known me when I was younger, stronger, and much more careless and carefree.  *CRACK*  I left mortals bleeding, gasping, writhing, in my tracks, and those were the ones I loved.  I trained them, taught them, hurt them, loved them, but...  Yeah... Never mind.  You wonder why I, sometimes, question how you all can remain friends... with an ogre.  Oh, no worries.  I'll remind you of why I wonder ever so occasionally.  Take it as a love tap, and since it won't kill you, let it make you stronger.  If you can, and see me in just such a situation?  Do me the same favor, innit.

Sure, I'm no longer a bad boy.  Mostly.  But that doesn't mean I don't know the particulars.  I've got some things as zeroed as those of flesh can.  Which, in some ways, is more than any angel, fallen or in graces, ever will.  Yeah, I can and do instruct, even if just for theory atm and for the most part.  Yum!
h/t Ace of Spades HQ (from long ago, I do believe)

Yeah, well, I'll keep trying.

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Messed.  Just messed.  Sleep, awake, functioning, down, all mixed in a big bowl of psychic goo.  I have moments where I feel okay, then I hit a wall and don't even know what happened.  So, for the most part, I just sit.  The girls do keep me somewhat involved.  They need food, and let me know.  They need water and let me know that too.  I've been keeping up on their poopper box, for a number of reasons.  They... are pleased with that recent add to my regular works, and show it.  Well, and they own poppo just as much as I own them.  My lap is their territory.  Usually, I say usually boy, they ask before claiming their territory.  Mostly, when I am down, they are making sure my autonomic reactions are inversely benign.  *smack*  Oh, teh sollies!  My flinch reaction to a quick movement and blur, at the worst of times, can be a little harsh.  I'm not in that bad of a condition yet, but, for them, it isn't worth the risk.  When healthy they jump, climb, swat, and pretty much own me.  Bleh.  Then again, I own them too!  Kitty helicopter time!  *MeOeW!?!*  Yep.  We have lots of fun here, mostly.  Responsibilities, and some... freedoms... liberties... 

Still, I'm just running into carburetor problems.  The choke is somewhat problematic too.  Some cold weather shifted in, and that might have done it.  Less sun, cooler air, and perhaps other weather dynamics.  Hmm...  I'll figure something out before too long.

Tonight?  I am going to get the dishes done before they begin to stack.  So far just a very small load.  Next, I'll pull something out of the freezer.  I am thinking chicken.  Pressure cook that to my tastes, let it cool and dry, then powder coat it with teh crunchy and fry it just golden brown.  I might even make mashed potatoes, and gravy from the drippings.  I'm sure I have a vegetable to toss in.  If I do both a package of drumsticks and thighs, I will have enough side eats to last until Friday, probably.  Hmm?  Yeah, maybe boiling a dozen eggs might get me going too.  Those are tasty little yums.  I think I have some bacon out, which... yeah...  The sacrifices I make for hunger!  :)

Later.

Haiku Monday - Balance

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You know the rules.  The theme is right there.  I am neither competing or negotiating on what I said.  Man of my word and I laid down the law.  Negotiations are for others, I have eyes and ears but no real skin in the game.  For now, this is that.

Odd

the kindest fury

loves with rage, strikes with a hug

it hurts so right

Our Simple Nature

impetus to good, evil

cannot truly own either

surrender to holy

Too Late, But...

the left and right eye

both see fine, no depth alone

open both eyes ~ breath

I may or may not add photos.  I'm back into the pits.  Gah!  I did it, for foam.

Sleep cycle is just off.

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Not much to do about it, but wiggle and see where I can adjust.  That and suffer.  I am good at suffering, at least minor indignities as such and physical pain.  So...  I'll keep trying to adjust as I can.  The bad thing is, when sleep is off, and the schedule is moving, I never quite feel rested.  I will simply keep pushing.  Oh, hello Rex.  I hope things are going well for you. 

I am hoping this is the last little hill I have to hump, and that spring, then summer, will bring about a bit of a relief.  But I know spring and into summer will bring just a bit more irregularity.  Sleep will simply become difficult to come by, and possibly cause insomnia.  I'm used to that now, so just grump about it a bit.  Hmm, a cup or two of beer can help there, though, too.

I am not sure when they will test my heart again.  They usually do that yearly.  I was off medicines, or at least struggling to get back on them, at the time of year they seem to prefer to test, so it probably won't be until next year.  After the first couple of years of medicine, my refraction ejection went from 15% to 21%.  I am hoping that isn't the end of it.  A healthy measure is between 50-55% and 70-75% (depending on which doc you are asking).  If I hit 25-30% I will have some hopes.  If the improvement is less... well... medicines are probably at an end, as to improvements.  If I am hitting 35-40% I might have a chance to improve to, or nearly to, full health.  I still can't believe I was running 15% for 23 years before they even caught it.  As I said, I have some doubts about... their intentions.  I probably won't know much more until this fall.

I probably need to start getting geared up for the regional burn in Arizona.  I will be taking a lot less gear.  I might even skip the cot, as that forces me to keep a portion of my tent unzipped.  The cot is fine for my size, just a bit big for even my four man tent.  Food is easy enough.  I could run on MRE's, if I wanted.  You really don't eat much out there.  Not nearly as much as I had thought.  It will be cooler, so appetite might be a bit more realized though.  Hmm, tent, pad, bag, a fifth of the clothes I took last time, water, food, some fun stuff, and a bit for gifting.  Really, it's not as intense as BMan, and with Desert Cat being a neighbor, and with a wheeled home...  Things should be a wee easier.  Bike?  I really ought to do some research on this encampment.  If I can get to it, getting out and testing my equipment would help make sure I have what I want and need, get me used to some things, and... just get me breathing again.  It's a bit chill, still, with the equipment I have.  But that might change.  It sure feels like spring is here.

Off to... something or other.  Hopefully good night.