Shocked.

.
.
I saw it, recently.  Questions, doubts, fears.  But, I thought you were a good guy?  I thought you were reformed regarding women, life, God?  I thought... many things?

Oh, I am reformed.  The truth is, however, once you understand things, you are able to paint pictures of reality that are difficult for many to cope with.  There are many good men out there who either don't see what they are doing in order to maintain what they have or have buried it in the picture postcard life they lead.  As hard as that life may be, they aren't seeing the whole picture.  And, once there, they probably shouldn't.  Everything is pretty much in order.  They don't need to hit the gas, slam on the brakes, and life has mellowed for them.

Even a good man, a true one, is a terrible thing.  If he does what he is supposed to do, he will hurt his love, he will be destructive, he is a dangerous creature.  Even if he tells the truth.  Actually more so if he tells the truth.  I only promise that loving me will hurt but that the payoff, at this time in my life, is beyond golden.  The return is eternal.  But, too, love IS war.  I know each very well.  Better than average, even among my peers.  While I hold no great value in the wisdom of Sun Tzu, I do hold that some things written have some serious value, in war, thus in love too.

All warfare is based on deception. Hence, when we are able to attack, we must seem unable; when using our forces, we must appear inactive; when we are near, we must make the enemy believe we are far away; when far away, we must make him believe we are near.

And so it is.  Especially when vying for the best.

If your enemy is secure at all points, be prepared for him. If he is in superior strength, evade him. If your opponent is temperamental, seek to irritate him. Pretend to be weak, that he may grow arrogant. If he is taking his ease, give him no rest. If his forces are united, separate them. If sovereign and subject are in accord, put division between them. Attack him where he is unprepared, appear where you are not expected.

And so I do.

It is said that if you know your enemies and know yourself, you will not be imperiled in a hundred battles; if you do not know your enemies but do know yourself, you will win one and lose one; if you do not know your enemies nor yourself, you will be imperiled in every single battle.

And I do know myself, and my enemy.

It is a terrible thing to be a man, a master, a king prophet and priest.  It is being a shepherd and lord.  It is filling some mighty big shoes.  It means going all the way after going all the way.  If done correctly, it fundamentally changes a woman.  She is no longer a girl.  It is a blood exchange.  It is both horrible and beautiful to see, more so to be an actor in the change.  It is taking two lives, forfeiting them to an ideal, and then living with the consequences.  It is a blood oath with God and then each other.  It is a darkly beautiful thing.

So, yeah, I may seem evasive, or harsh, or dark.  But that is not all.  My hope I keep to myself, holding it to my breast as I would a gift from God, which it is.  But it is there too.  I just... sometimes...  It is the heavy part I share here.  Mostly.  To be a man, or man-like, son of God is... a lot of things.  Some of them are very heavy, hard, shadowy.  Do not fear.  It is not all of it, for me, or of me.  But I am terrible and I do know some of these truths intimately.

Amen.