.
.
I was not nearly ready, and even at this time, things are looking grim. At least all of the big things are in the truck, the Xterra is loaded, and just a ton of minor and little things are left for the haul. My lady friend came through, as did my neighbor and several friends of his. It was still too hot when I returned with the rig and SUV in tow, but my neighbor and friends did most of the lifting. After they finished that part I was able to jump into the shower, turn on the a/c, and get my core temp in order. Once that was done, I was able to dig back in.
I bawled like a baby when saying goodbye to my lady friend. We agree on nothing, we do not even think enough alike to disagree properly. I cannot say I ever hate her, though I do worry about her, disagree with just about everything she thinks and how she comes to think those things, and such. It is a weird relationship, but it was one of the things that was precious to me. I have moved, and often enough, that I am pretty sure that is the end. Tears well, the throat tightens, and I hurt even as I write this. But I know it is as it must be. Perhaps she will call from time to time, or write, perhaps email when she gets such. But at the distance and with so little in common, this is an end I believe.
My neighbors will be greatly missed as well. I feel I have been a great burden to them, though, so there is some comfort there. They are busy as a family and professionally. Now they can get on with their serious work, family, and such. They might not feel it, but I feel like it will be better not to have such stresses from a strange neighbor. That goodbye will be very sad, though, too. I will deal with it when it comes. Thankfully, those are the only long term goodbyes I have.
I had best get back to packing. Time is short, work, lots of it, remains, and a very long drive, plus unloading and sorting is left to me. After I am at the apartment, unloaded as I can be there, the rest in storage, and a few food items and amenities assured, I can then lock myself in, bawl to my hearts need, rest as I can, then begin anew. No more fear remains, only bated curiosity and a little hope.
Good night. I will try to blog on the road, well, at the hotels. Both have internet access. It depends upon how exhausted I am though too, especially that first night. Be well.
Friday, July 3, 2009
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Running around like a fool.
.
.
Oh, the reason I was not posting here or commenting at your place was everything went bad. First, I gave my computer desk to my lady friend, for her new computer, yes, the one I bought her. So, I did not really have a place for the (corrupted anyway) machine, so I bought a new (little) one. Which should have been fine, but my internet dropped. My ISP simply quit working. I was about to call them anyway, to see if I could keep my email addresses after I shut down my home service. Well, they are telling that, a.) no, I cannot keep my email services active and they do not service the city to which I am moving, and b.) my internet is down and they cannot have it repaired earlier than the 3rd! This service that is down, on their end, is saying I never had my modem initiated (I have had this same service and modem for 4 years!) So, being the cleaver monkey I am, I talked with my neighbor to see if I could connect to his wireless modem. No problem he says, and he gets to work. Only, it does not work.
Meanwhile, I am trying to pack, make calls, ensure this and that is being done, and overheating most of the time. I ended up having to go back to Best Buy and have this machine looked at. As I have said, two of the Geeks tag teamed the thing and got it going, though I was not privy as to how to fix it, only that now fixed it is fixed for good. I then purchased a printer, which I had not wanted to do, but ended up needing very badly. It, it seems, is missing a cord, so I need to go back and get a new box, the cord if they have it separately, or something. Nothing is going right on top of time being almost out.
I finally have this thing working, I am blogging again a bit, I still have the printer to take back, 4 packages to send, 1/4 of a house to finish packing, and now medical worries to add to the pile. Talk about a rough week. The good news is that when I get where I am going, I can take a week off (and I am going to) before trying to even get out of bed. When everything is safely in storage, the tow wagon and truck are turned in, and my appartment is in my control with the utilitities turned on, I am going to get half a dozen gallons of bottled good water, two gallons of milk, and some minor food items, shut my door, turn off all sound, get a room a/c if needed and sleep and rest for at least a week. Finals indeed, only add a weight lifting competition and walking marathon in there for good measure, in high Iowa summer.
At least today is cooler. I have internet so I can find a free open access email service, and begin logging things over, and hope I have enough time to finish packing. I spoke to my current landlord, and at least I think I am good there. It has indeed been a rough week, even month. I hope I do not have to throw too much away, due to not being able to pack it all, but at this point, I almost do not care.
Even with all that, I have been praying deeply and strongly each night, and more regularly during the day. I have been needing and taking mid-afternoon naps, and about every other day I send God words of thanks, remind him of people who are in need, and give up my doubts and fears as I am able. I only really ask that He help keep me open to His will, as He has already graced me beyond my due. And, in spite of extreme recent stresses and a severe temptation, I have remained chaste even in my women dreams. If nothing else, God made me stubborn. Ha!
Have a good. I have work to do. Shoo!
.
Oh, the reason I was not posting here or commenting at your place was everything went bad. First, I gave my computer desk to my lady friend, for her new computer, yes, the one I bought her. So, I did not really have a place for the (corrupted anyway) machine, so I bought a new (little) one. Which should have been fine, but my internet dropped. My ISP simply quit working. I was about to call them anyway, to see if I could keep my email addresses after I shut down my home service. Well, they are telling that, a.) no, I cannot keep my email services active and they do not service the city to which I am moving, and b.) my internet is down and they cannot have it repaired earlier than the 3rd! This service that is down, on their end, is saying I never had my modem initiated (I have had this same service and modem for 4 years!) So, being the cleaver monkey I am, I talked with my neighbor to see if I could connect to his wireless modem. No problem he says, and he gets to work. Only, it does not work.
Meanwhile, I am trying to pack, make calls, ensure this and that is being done, and overheating most of the time. I ended up having to go back to Best Buy and have this machine looked at. As I have said, two of the Geeks tag teamed the thing and got it going, though I was not privy as to how to fix it, only that now fixed it is fixed for good. I then purchased a printer, which I had not wanted to do, but ended up needing very badly. It, it seems, is missing a cord, so I need to go back and get a new box, the cord if they have it separately, or something. Nothing is going right on top of time being almost out.
I finally have this thing working, I am blogging again a bit, I still have the printer to take back, 4 packages to send, 1/4 of a house to finish packing, and now medical worries to add to the pile. Talk about a rough week. The good news is that when I get where I am going, I can take a week off (and I am going to) before trying to even get out of bed. When everything is safely in storage, the tow wagon and truck are turned in, and my appartment is in my control with the utilitities turned on, I am going to get half a dozen gallons of bottled good water, two gallons of milk, and some minor food items, shut my door, turn off all sound, get a room a/c if needed and sleep and rest for at least a week. Finals indeed, only add a weight lifting competition and walking marathon in there for good measure, in high Iowa summer.
At least today is cooler. I have internet so I can find a free open access email service, and begin logging things over, and hope I have enough time to finish packing. I spoke to my current landlord, and at least I think I am good there. It has indeed been a rough week, even month. I hope I do not have to throw too much away, due to not being able to pack it all, but at this point, I almost do not care.
Even with all that, I have been praying deeply and strongly each night, and more regularly during the day. I have been needing and taking mid-afternoon naps, and about every other day I send God words of thanks, remind him of people who are in need, and give up my doubts and fears as I am able. I only really ask that He help keep me open to His will, as He has already graced me beyond my due. And, in spite of extreme recent stresses and a severe temptation, I have remained chaste even in my women dreams. If nothing else, God made me stubborn. Ha!
Have a good. I have work to do. Shoo!
Wine is fine but whisky is quicker?
.
.
Yes, it is true. Most races are won by superior fire power. Bigger muscles, greater endurance, quicker responses, more potent product, whether the race is to the top, bottom, or end. When all else is equal, even a single greater quality can win the day heartily. I thought high blood pressure was my beer. Then I got diabetes. Ah, I thought, my whiskey! What may be now must then be called my heroine or meth, as per Ozzy's song.
I had been sore at a particular point on my body, a delicate place. I have been so busy or too tired to think about it. This morning, while I was waking up, it was bothering me again, so I investigated it consciously. It is not good. Between my torso and thigh, on the seem between the two, is a sore spot. Initially I did not pay it much attention. And, for the last week, or two is it now?, I ignored it, too busy to think, too tired when I had the time to consider it more. It is larger, now, by much, perhaps the size of a small grape. Half of it is inside my body, half of it is outside, and it is sore.
I know what this probably is. And, I will go the the VA when I get moved. They will probably want to do a biopsy. Fat chance. If they can figure it out without cutting, good. Otherwise, no dice. I suppose I just want to know what type of cancer it might be, what to look for, and to try and get an idea of how long I might have. I will not seek any more than painkillers if it is cancer. From what I have seen, asking the medical community for help on this is like giving a monkey an arch welder, a screw driver, and a wrench, and shoving it in the engine compartment. Many, especially men, die just as quickly, twice as painfully, with few original functional parts, and without hair. Who even knows how many parts they would cut off before deciding the experiment should be allowed to die. Too creepy.
Yes, I am worried. Yes, I would rather live, on the whole. No, being a medical experiment just does not do it for me. This is not how I saw the thing going down. And, who knows. Maybe it is a zit that got lost. Maybe I have just bucked the system and have become such a menche that I need a third one, so God planted the seed and I am on my way to being the father to 70. I guess things are just on hold, except the move, for a while. I just hope I can live on my own until the end. I hope I can get what groceries I might need delivered. I do not want to live with anyone or be in the hospital if this is cancer.
I do not mind dying. I have sorted it all out, spiritually, even physically. But I had been pulling for high blood pressure for a massive heart attack or stroke, while living alone. Or perhaps a diabetic coma from which I never regain consciousness. But this is going to hurt. That is the only thing I know for sure about cancer. And, at some point, the pain medicine will not work. I may, actually, need to give up my guns before they really do need to pry them from my cold dead fingers. I know how tempting that could be and I just do not want to fail now, after having survived two suicides and figuring out how to change my life away from that.
Yeah, go ahead, cheer. Some of you must be tickled pink. I cannot blame you. Even I know a rat bastard when I see one, even in the mirror. It could not happen to a nicer guy.
Back to packing. Have a good day.
.
Yes, it is true. Most races are won by superior fire power. Bigger muscles, greater endurance, quicker responses, more potent product, whether the race is to the top, bottom, or end. When all else is equal, even a single greater quality can win the day heartily. I thought high blood pressure was my beer. Then I got diabetes. Ah, I thought, my whiskey! What may be now must then be called my heroine or meth, as per Ozzy's song.
I had been sore at a particular point on my body, a delicate place. I have been so busy or too tired to think about it. This morning, while I was waking up, it was bothering me again, so I investigated it consciously. It is not good. Between my torso and thigh, on the seem between the two, is a sore spot. Initially I did not pay it much attention. And, for the last week, or two is it now?, I ignored it, too busy to think, too tired when I had the time to consider it more. It is larger, now, by much, perhaps the size of a small grape. Half of it is inside my body, half of it is outside, and it is sore.
I know what this probably is. And, I will go the the VA when I get moved. They will probably want to do a biopsy. Fat chance. If they can figure it out without cutting, good. Otherwise, no dice. I suppose I just want to know what type of cancer it might be, what to look for, and to try and get an idea of how long I might have. I will not seek any more than painkillers if it is cancer. From what I have seen, asking the medical community for help on this is like giving a monkey an arch welder, a screw driver, and a wrench, and shoving it in the engine compartment. Many, especially men, die just as quickly, twice as painfully, with few original functional parts, and without hair. Who even knows how many parts they would cut off before deciding the experiment should be allowed to die. Too creepy.
Yes, I am worried. Yes, I would rather live, on the whole. No, being a medical experiment just does not do it for me. This is not how I saw the thing going down. And, who knows. Maybe it is a zit that got lost. Maybe I have just bucked the system and have become such a menche that I need a third one, so God planted the seed and I am on my way to being the father to 70. I guess things are just on hold, except the move, for a while. I just hope I can live on my own until the end. I hope I can get what groceries I might need delivered. I do not want to live with anyone or be in the hospital if this is cancer.
I do not mind dying. I have sorted it all out, spiritually, even physically. But I had been pulling for high blood pressure for a massive heart attack or stroke, while living alone. Or perhaps a diabetic coma from which I never regain consciousness. But this is going to hurt. That is the only thing I know for sure about cancer. And, at some point, the pain medicine will not work. I may, actually, need to give up my guns before they really do need to pry them from my cold dead fingers. I know how tempting that could be and I just do not want to fail now, after having survived two suicides and figuring out how to change my life away from that.
Yeah, go ahead, cheer. Some of you must be tickled pink. I cannot blame you. Even I know a rat bastard when I see one, even in the mirror. It could not happen to a nicer guy.
Back to packing. Have a good day.
The new toy.
.
.
I am trying the new machine. It is a Toshiba nb200. Beyond having the biggest keyboard among micros or notebooks, the longest (?) battery life, and some other good features, it just felt right. Plus, I no longer trust HP and Dell spent my trust in them on their prejudice against guns (long story, but if you want to know, ask). There were other reasons I went with Toshiba over Asus, though I honestly think for the types of applications I am interested in for this machine, all of them would have worked. I can take this into the field, and write there, to send later or perhaps, to send with certain other electronic toys I am also considering.
Actually, this machine is not just for the field. I believe I will be using it for my email, online business, and internet browsing. The old machine will simply become an offline gaming rig for all of the games I have. I suppose I will just have to quit playing the online games. They are easy to steal anyway, and with a compromised desktop, I kept losing access or had aspects of those games compromised. That is so not fun that even the free games became more of an annoyance than anything.
I also think, when I can figure it out, I will change this to a dual boot OS, and then switch to using one of the Linux platforms. Which one I cannot be sure. I have some belief that Linux is more secure, and that can be tightened, for free, even then. I am not sure if I can learn C++ or some of the other programming languages on this, but that would be good. Without a DVD player, everything I put on this will need to be added via the internet, unless I wish to shell out for a external DVD R/RW, etc. Perhaps in time.
Okay, I admit it. This whole post was just to see if I could get used to the keyboard. To be honest, even with paws the size of bear paws, I am having no real problems with this. What I am finding a problem, however, is the heat. This thing is all but glowing. As someone who is heat sensitive, this could end up being a problem. There are devices that will help. And, really, in the winter, this thing could be a great hand warmer. But in the heat of summer, this will not be a favorable aspect. Time will tell. If need be, I have 30 days to accept or take this machine back. But I will only be here, probably for a little more than a week more, so… I will need to know by then. Though, there are Best Buys everywhere. Decisions, short timing it, and all that is getting rather old. I NEED TO LEAVE!!!
Good night.
Update: That post was from when I first purchased the machine. Since then, I have had no real problems with the heat, and the battery does seem fairly long lasting, if I have not timed it. My internet quit, and I had difficulty using my neighbors internet. I took the machine in and after a tagteam effort by two of the Geek Squad at Best Buy spent five minutes on it, they solved the problem. When I got it home, I was able to use it and reconfigure some things even though I have never done this before.
Since I gave away my computer desk and my own internet is down anyway, and add in that I cannot use my old email addresses once I turn in my modem and end my household service, I really need this machine to use the local wireless to get all of my email address connections fixed before I shut down the system. Go figure. All this in the middle of the mad dash to finish packing. I am doing okay, but I keep tripping over seeming isolated events which end up causing problems. Printer without cord, this system having something deep inside which would not allow IP addresses to be randomized (or even changed), ISP outage, and the list goes on. A few more days and one way or another I will be finished with this damned fool and evil place.
Well, now I really must sleep. Good night!
.
I am trying the new machine. It is a Toshiba nb200. Beyond having the biggest keyboard among micros or notebooks, the longest (?) battery life, and some other good features, it just felt right. Plus, I no longer trust HP and Dell spent my trust in them on their prejudice against guns (long story, but if you want to know, ask). There were other reasons I went with Toshiba over Asus, though I honestly think for the types of applications I am interested in for this machine, all of them would have worked. I can take this into the field, and write there, to send later or perhaps, to send with certain other electronic toys I am also considering.
Actually, this machine is not just for the field. I believe I will be using it for my email, online business, and internet browsing. The old machine will simply become an offline gaming rig for all of the games I have. I suppose I will just have to quit playing the online games. They are easy to steal anyway, and with a compromised desktop, I kept losing access or had aspects of those games compromised. That is so not fun that even the free games became more of an annoyance than anything.
I also think, when I can figure it out, I will change this to a dual boot OS, and then switch to using one of the Linux platforms. Which one I cannot be sure. I have some belief that Linux is more secure, and that can be tightened, for free, even then. I am not sure if I can learn C++ or some of the other programming languages on this, but that would be good. Without a DVD player, everything I put on this will need to be added via the internet, unless I wish to shell out for a external DVD R/RW, etc. Perhaps in time.
Okay, I admit it. This whole post was just to see if I could get used to the keyboard. To be honest, even with paws the size of bear paws, I am having no real problems with this. What I am finding a problem, however, is the heat. This thing is all but glowing. As someone who is heat sensitive, this could end up being a problem. There are devices that will help. And, really, in the winter, this thing could be a great hand warmer. But in the heat of summer, this will not be a favorable aspect. Time will tell. If need be, I have 30 days to accept or take this machine back. But I will only be here, probably for a little more than a week more, so… I will need to know by then. Though, there are Best Buys everywhere. Decisions, short timing it, and all that is getting rather old. I NEED TO LEAVE!!!
Good night.
Update: That post was from when I first purchased the machine. Since then, I have had no real problems with the heat, and the battery does seem fairly long lasting, if I have not timed it. My internet quit, and I had difficulty using my neighbors internet. I took the machine in and after a tagteam effort by two of the Geek Squad at Best Buy spent five minutes on it, they solved the problem. When I got it home, I was able to use it and reconfigure some things even though I have never done this before.
Since I gave away my computer desk and my own internet is down anyway, and add in that I cannot use my old email addresses once I turn in my modem and end my household service, I really need this machine to use the local wireless to get all of my email address connections fixed before I shut down the system. Go figure. All this in the middle of the mad dash to finish packing. I am doing okay, but I keep tripping over seeming isolated events which end up causing problems. Printer without cord, this system having something deep inside which would not allow IP addresses to be randomized (or even changed), ISP outage, and the list goes on. A few more days and one way or another I will be finished with this damned fool and evil place.
Well, now I really must sleep. Good night!
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Sleep was sweet.
.
.
Imagine that, a night without dreams, without pain, which was also a decent length and resting. I only get those occasionally. If I dreamed, and I think I did, it was just a normal decent dream. I did not wake up shaking or tired or stirred from whatever it was I saw on the big Eyelid Screen. I woke like clockwork, without an alarm, and rested. Talk about a dream sleep, that was it. I am not sure if nightly long prayers have anything to do with last night though I doubt if they could hurt my rest. My ribs no longer bother me at all, now, finally. Life is really good on mornings like these.
I have not heard from my lady friend yet. But that is good. It gives me some time to wake up before having company. I am hoping to get some cleaning done and a shower before she arrives. It is usually good to see her after she canoes. She regains health, mental balance, and quiet surety from such events. I will miss her when I go, even if she is a part of here. I almost think she might miss me, but more for the washer and dryer and sick calls. Cats!
I am looking forward to brunch though! I have been eating out, if fast food passes for that, to avoid needing to cook and clean as much recently. And, pretty soon, I will have no choice. The kitchen needs to be packed away. So a decent meal sounds good to me. I am not sure if the invitation includes the bill, that is often her way. Either that or she begs because her invitation was offered when she was flush and that has changed. Once in a while though, she actually carries through. I am not terribly hungry, but good food will change that.
I best take my shower and begin some cleaning.
.
Imagine that, a night without dreams, without pain, which was also a decent length and resting. I only get those occasionally. If I dreamed, and I think I did, it was just a normal decent dream. I did not wake up shaking or tired or stirred from whatever it was I saw on the big Eyelid Screen. I woke like clockwork, without an alarm, and rested. Talk about a dream sleep, that was it. I am not sure if nightly long prayers have anything to do with last night though I doubt if they could hurt my rest. My ribs no longer bother me at all, now, finally. Life is really good on mornings like these.
I have not heard from my lady friend yet. But that is good. It gives me some time to wake up before having company. I am hoping to get some cleaning done and a shower before she arrives. It is usually good to see her after she canoes. She regains health, mental balance, and quiet surety from such events. I will miss her when I go, even if she is a part of here. I almost think she might miss me, but more for the washer and dryer and sick calls. Cats!
I am looking forward to brunch though! I have been eating out, if fast food passes for that, to avoid needing to cook and clean as much recently. And, pretty soon, I will have no choice. The kitchen needs to be packed away. So a decent meal sounds good to me. I am not sure if the invitation includes the bill, that is often her way. Either that or she begs because her invitation was offered when she was flush and that has changed. Once in a while though, she actually carries through. I am not terribly hungry, but good food will change that.
I best take my shower and begin some cleaning.
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