How did I not crash?

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I... pushed so hard to get the custard in.  And, yes, it took many hours to finally get that done.  And, then ate.  Couldn't go to bed.  My stomach hurt!  Then, when I could probably have gotten to bed?  I... was unstuffed enough to... have more!  So I did.  Then I wanted to wait to let that go down.

My body is processing that food well.  But it still takes time.  Oh, delicious, hot or cold.  Wow.  That's been a joy.  It melts on the tongue, before I can really chew on it.  Or... do much.  It just disappears on the tongue.  Like fine ice chips, only not cold.

Oh my.

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So very worth the wait!  And, another thing?  That bigger cooking vessel?  Doing the whole batch together?  Much, much smoother.  This is like eating... warm ice cream.  The best notion of that idea.  More?  I had a big helping.  I went crazy.  Then I had another!

I haven't eaten that much at one time in... since Thanksgiving dinner?  Right, about that.  Two servings, about a cup and a half per?  Or so.  Oh, absolutely delicious.

If I had to say?

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Only awake because I REALLY wanted custard.  And... it has taken me a long time to... get to the pot and form, get those washed.  Then redo a batch.  And... finally... get it going.  But, those things were done.  And, then, when I could, the batch was mixed.  And, finally, it was put together, and put in.

The beeper just went off.  And, boy was she right.  Longer, in a bigger custard form.  It's been thirty five.  The smaller ones were done at about forty five.  This... is still liquid!  It'll be a while.  Ah!  But I did forget something.  I set it for 350.  Last time I set it for 375?  Give or take, but goodly warmer.  Something to do with the elevation.  How, for me, things work better, is if I turn the heat up some... bit.

Still awake.

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I had meant to make a bigger batch of custard, eat, then go to bed.  But, something went wrong in the process.

I found a bigger container, in which to bake the custard itself.  And, I found a bigger All-Clad sauté pan... 6 or 7 quart?  Big enough for my needs.  I whipped the eggs, cream, and else.  Got it into the baking container.  Then filled the sauté pan with enough water, I thought, to come up to the edge of the baking pan itself.

Awake, again, for a bit.

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A few pork hocks.  But mostly water.  I want coffee, not ready for it.  So... water.  I wish I had something else to drink.  Can't do bone broth, just not up to that either.  Water it is.  I fed Sassy, when I woke a few hours ago.  Will game a bit.  Then feed her again before going on back to bed.

I had to check something.  It told someone something.  But I wasn't sure... I had done what I said.  I kept wondering if I had just dreamed doing it.  Then I would sleep for a bit, and... again... not be sure I did what I said I would do.  So, finally, I got up to make sure I did what I said I would do.

Still awake.

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I'm stumbling from barely awake to hardly awake to awake because of nausea.  So, it's... not like it seems.  I hurt.  My heart hurts.  I am tired.  The coffee didn't... do as was hoped.  It just caused a nearly flushing nausea, with the sweats from it.  Not... feverishness.  Just... that flush feeling.

I have been gaming, to keep my mind occupied.  And, I had packages arrive today.  Perhaps just a dream, that I will ever get to sewing the jeans, taking them in in places, and such?  But... I... live on, perhaps in, dreams.  So I ordered the needles I might need.  From 90/14 to 110/18 sizes, plus one in the middle.  Or... one batch.

If I can get to it, I have everything from standard jean needles, to heavier leather and upholstery needles.  Not a huge number of most of them, but a at least fifteen of each type.  If one really does stand out, as superior, I may order extra.  I have a lot of jeans to work with, on.  Both ones that were fitting me at 280 to 300, and those which were fitting me at 250 to 270.  None of those will fit, rightly, currently.  Oh, and the ones I was wearing when I arrived, and weighed more like 320.  

I'll start with the largest ones.  If I ever get going.  I will use every technique I have seen.  Decide which ones seem to work the best for my size and shape, and according to my eyes.  Then use those in the second tier out.  Then, eventually perhaps, begin working on pants that mostly fit.  Just need a bit of minor shaping, sizing.

Or... not.  And, as with many of my dreams, they will just... gather dust.  But I... have to hope.  I have to buy with hope, goals.

Oh, but I sure hurt.  It's bedtime time.  I'll sleep the weekend, and hope to be up and out by Monday, or Tuesday.  Or... Wednesday?  Ugh.  Goodnight.

Ugh, don't want to go.

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Not... so much that it is medical.  Though I will ensure some limits to their... practice.  But I can do that.  No, it's that I am so tired!  I just want to sleep.  May have to?  But... I did call.  The mask isn't required here anymore.  So, there is that.  And I know about where to find them, after looking them, and their map, up.

Oh, I want to get it.  But I don't know if I can.  So very tired.  I need... a day or three of sleep before I can get in.  Yesterday, the illness, and else, have taken it out of me.  Oh... the for the VA, I just have to call a number.

I was surprised they allowed me to go to the ER, locally.  But, okay.  Ugh.  I... just... can't today?  I'm going to have some coffee, see if that helps.  That's the only thing that might help.  Don't really want it, nausea remains.  And the thought of coffee isn't... terribly inviting.  But... it... might help.  Trying to do as told.  Will... try.

Later or goodnight.

Hmm... calls.

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I am still awake.  But they started it.  Got a call from the VA.  They want blood tests before the next visit.  So... okay.  I then tried to have them connect me with my primary care up there.  But that didn't work.  So I called through again, went through a different system.

They sent me to a nursing management system.  They took way too much time verifying, but... It's done.  Then, set me up with a nurse practitioner?  Or such.  Hopefully to be simply sent medication, so I don't have to go out.  I... have doubts.

I've been up for a while.

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But it's hitting bedtime.  I'm hoping to wake later, to make some calls.  But who knows.  I did have the last custard.  But had to add some sweetener.  Just couldn't eat it without that.  As well, had pickled pork hocks.  Which... it's... just been nice to be eating carnivore food that I have truly liked.

Mostly, though, just water.  No coffee.  Not much else.  And really not all that much of those things.  But I have consumed a goodly amount of water.

Up, sure...

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But... what time did I go to bed?  15:30, at a guess.  I was up slightly after 1:00... five... ten... minutes after.  About that.  An hour and change later, here I sit.  I was looking over some of the posts someone viewed.  How many viewers are there?  One?  Two?  And... a bunch of... hired viewers?  From somewhere?  I wonder how much it costs per "click"?  Or... maybe that can be automated these days?  *grins*

I don't mind the vagaries of life.

The... odd things they.... catch?

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I let out in a conversation, my station as being the son of minister.  Then... this.  And... a collection of others.  It's... almost as if they know something or think they do.  The devil you say?  Aye.  Not... the devil you know.  *wink*

Made it.

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Not barely, but... sort of barely?  What kills me is how long it takes to get there.  Some days it takes two, even closer to three hours.  Some days it takes just a bit over an hour to an hour and a half.  I just can't tell which it will be.  I meant to head out around 4:30 this morning, but didn't get started until 5:30?  Or so.  I... was a bit worried, had an eight appointment.  

But I got there by just at 07:00.  I mean walking in the door at 6:57 type.  Which... was fine.  I decided to go have breakfast... after checking the time.  The open at 7:00, so the long walk would see me just in at the opening.  And there were a few workers there before me.

The newest food trick?

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I have been making soups.  And... leaving them on the cooktop.  Eating from them for days.  I... just... don't like that.  Though, I don't think putting metal pans in the fridge.  Nor do I like plastics, anymore.  I do have glass containers, but not of the right sizes.  Ugh.

So?  So... I bought some glass pots.  So as to cook the soups.  Let cool.  Put in the refrigerator, perhaps with clingwrap over the top as well.  Then, to pull back out in the morning, remove the wrap, let warm.  Then, later in the day, to heat up and redo, over and again.

Brutal?

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Perhaps, but more loosely today.  Just... still so very tired.  Most aches are eased, most pains have subsided.  Not even hungry.  I found some test strips, after looking everywhere.  Who knows how old they are, but they seem to work.  Reading 144, which... is really wrong.  But... oh well.  

I have had three cups of food in the last six days, seven?  Eight maybe?  And one fatted coffee, maybe two?  And I have been careful with any sweeteners, both using them how they work best, so as to limit blood sugar impact.  So it doesn't make sense.  But, as I mentioned, oh well.  The way I do coffees usually lowers blood sugar.  I'll make one of those before I crash again.

I wanted so to go to bed.

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But I really wanted something to eat.  Then I remembered.  I have eggs!  And, a carnivore recipe, for custard.  Really simple, if it took longer than... a simple scrample or such.  But... is much easier sounding, on the weak stomach I have.  So... I... got it all together, set up, in, and finished.

Then I ate.  I did make two types.  One just as plain as Jane.  One with a keto sweetener, vanilla extract, and cinnamon.  I could barely get the plain one down.  But the fancier one went down like a dream.  I made four containers of the stuff.  Two remain, for later.  I'll see if I like the plain one better, then.  If not, I may melt cheddar for on top?

Ah. Still awake.

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Went looking for waist reduction, and hemming, videos... for jeans.  Though I'm sure that will work on slacks.  Not sure about cargo pants, but those are sort of born a bit sloppy... up to a point.  Still, if I can obtain the skills, and get the look and such right on a few practice items?  Then move one to newer pants?  We'll see.  May try even the cargo pants.

I won't do the vids today.  Maybe soon.  Just... but I did find and view them.

Coffee.

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I almost skipped.  But, no.  I wanted something something.  Not... to stay awake.  I doubt I'll finish it tonight.  Might not even finish half?  Close, so... maybe.  Just... everything is heavy right now.  Except water.  Water is... good.

While looking around I bumped into some things that have been on my mind.  As I lose weight, clothes... are... changing.  But, do I want to buy all new?  At most, not yet.  If possible, no.  But, I don't want to walk around looking like a bum.  Or... more like a bum than I already do.

Well, another short uptime?

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Not sure when I woke, last time.  But I went down a bit before 14:00.  Now, am up around 22:30.  Won't be up too long.  Just wanted to feed Sassy.  Though, this time, I'll tend her litter boxes.  All fresh, across the board.  I did get her fresh water earlier.  I... fell behind on that, too.  But... we'll... be doing better, now that I am not frozen in chills and fevers and sleeping for days on end.  I had no choice.

Dreamed my house disappeared.  I... woke up in the downstairs bed.  It and a phone, not my original, some odd type, were all that remained.  Clothes, canned foods, all other furnitured... everything... was gone.  No trace there had been a house here.  I didn't, because it was dark, go check to see if there was a hole where the basement had been.

Couldn't get to coffee.

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Just too tired.  And... a bit of a fever came back.  I sat here, hoping... I would be able to get that going.  But, no.  I will brush my teeth then go on to bed.  I may be up before too long, say in three or four hours again, to feed Sassy.  But probably not much more.

Getting queasy again, as well.  Stupid situations.  Still, even as uncomfortable as it is, again, it is far better than it has been.  And, sleep will solve most of this.  Still the 6th?  Ugh.  It seems like a week that I have been down, since last time.  Strange, this time, that the timer seems to be ticking, in the back of my mind, as I sleep.  But on a fast timer.  Hours seems like days.

Yes, I'll feed Sassy, brush my teeth, then go on back to bed.  Good... day and night.

Awake, again.

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Just for a bit.  I wanted to get up and feed Sassy, since I was awake enough, and feeling good enough to get up.  I'll have a fatted coffee, for something... slightly nutritious, or fatty anyway.  It's... been days since I've had anything other than water.  Couldn't even eat much fruit or yogurt.

I'll do a bit of looking, online.  Then, after the coffee, brush my teeth and go on back to bed.  Sleeping as needed, which... will probably be... the next day or two.  At least I am feeling better.  Simply tired, sleepy.  Too much of those latter to escape sleep, for the moment.  But that is far better than it had been.

It's bacK?

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Not... as bad as it was.  But, yes.  It's back.  I tried to eat, but that just didn't work.  I'm finishing off the fruit, for that is slightly edible, and it is something.  But yogurt and fruit just didn't work.  And yogurt alone, as a first shot, didn't work.  And... nothing else could have gone down.  Just... nothing else is able to be eaten.  And, the fruit really... isn't all that good.  Like I said, it is something, and can mostly go down.

Aches, really, are what is back.  And exhaustion.  The painful kind.  I played the game, for a bit.  But was falling, am falling, too hard and too fast to continue.  So, I'll... go on up to bed for a bit.  At this point in life, I need to sleep when I need to sleep.

That water really helped.

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Initially it didn't seem so.  I felt as rotten, initially, as when I forced myself to get up.  Horrible.  Terrible.  Rotten.  So I had to go on back to sleep.

I must admit, when I got up there, and tucked back in, I felt better.  Not great, but sleep was easier to attain.  And more comfortable.  I slept well for a few hours, then began to wake.  I wasn't sure I wanted to wake up though.  So, kept trying to sleep.

Finally, though, I felt good, and comfortable about waking, right at 3:57.  I turned the light on and... thought about it for three minutes.  Finally I realized waking up was a good thing.

There are still some aches.  But not nearly as bad as before.  No fevers, or chills... or at the moment.  That fluid just... did something.  Hoping to get back to some sort of health again, in these next few days.

Not hungry.  I haven't eaten in days, and probably won't for a few more days.  In part due to illness, in part due to going carnivore.  Just... can't eat.  Food doesn't sound good.  Anything.  I'll admit, if fast food sounded good, I might just go that way.  But it doesn't.  Nothing sounds tasty.  I may try some yogurt.  And, if that doesn't work, see if I have some fruit cups around somewhere, and try it with that?

I don't want to eat, but I need to eat, I think.  Food, like water, is sort of... needed.  Or, I suspect.  Oh... but on the scale...  Wasn't sure I should, after drinking so much liquid, and not yet peeing... but... on I went anyway.  At 238.6, it's... still... better.  My last weight was 242 even, on February 2nd, so... yes... all good.

Well, on to... something.  Later.

On back to bed.

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I tried to stay up a while.  Did, really.  But that's done.  I am so absolutely crushed.  I have to go on back to bed.  I will take water, five cans.  I won't drink whole cans at a time, perhaps a third, or quarter of a can when thirsty?  Or less.  Just... a sip, really.  I did drink three cans, while up.  But that is because I slept for three days and... was so very thirsty.  Fevers do that, as do chills actually.

I fed Sassy one more time, and refreshed her water.  I'd like to clean her litter box, but I... just... can't.  I hurt so bad that I just have to go on to bed.  Brutal.  I hurt so very terribly bad, in so many ways, that I can't do much else.  Just getting up to go to bed will be a trick.  This time I am taking three pee jugs up.  That should last me... maybe a week?

Oh ouch.

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I have been sleeping for... days?  It sure seems like it.  The fever, and chills, and aches, are impressive.  Collar bone, my stomach, belly?  Kidneys, legs.  Thighs, hips.  Everywhere, pretty much.  Oh,  True agony.  

It took a long time to finally be able to wake, so as to feed Sassy.  She... isn't going to eat well or much.  It's just how it goes.  I can't.

Absolutely freezing.

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The chills, hard.  Going on back to bed.  Oh, I'll feed Sassy first.

Couldn't get trash or else out.  Just... so... terrible.  Shaking, feverish, chills, it's... as bad as it has been in a... few days?  Damn, but life has been uncomfortable lately.

All good.  On to feed the twerp, then sleep.  I'll... turn the electric blanket on as well.  Odd to have chills and a fever at the same time.  Can barely type.  Later.

Or... goodnight, really.  May sleep for... a few days.

A response.

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Shaving that one a little close?  True, if I had to lay odds.  Someone knows... something about which they speak.  They know my name.

Good sleep.

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I... needed sleep.  Wasn't sure I would get it.  Sassy sure wanted me up.  I fought her, my own inclinations, and all else.  And, made it to 1:30?  Giver or take ten.  Even so, I'm... it's... tough.  A bit of a fever.  Just light, under the skin, on the fringes, edges.  But it's there.  It's been there for weeks, months probably.  Not as noticeable when warmer.  Not always noticed, even in the cold.  A slight, permanent, infection?  Or... of late.  Though, I think I have had something in me for... since I became ill nearly forty years ago.  Something that comes and goes, or is more present or less more like.  Fever is always there, just doesn't show as much this time as that.

Which is why, while they found nothing in the biopsy, the antibiotics still did a lot of work, on various parts of my body.  Did... strange things.  There are terrible things living in me.  I suspect doctors knew, just were hoping those things would take me out, if the heart didn't get me.  Or that these things would make life so miserable that I would commit suicide.  Which... actually I did.  Even that didn't work.

Awake, yet.

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Probably just because I became too numb to remember to go on to bed.  It's nearly noon.  So, okay.  I don't mind procrastination, through incident or accident, working toward my providence on some rare occasions.  All good.

Having some more water.  I couldn't have coffee.  And food is way out.  But... a few sips of lightly flavored, totally unsweetened, sparkling water will work.

Good, but very light.

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Life, for the moment, that is.  I... don't hurt.  Yet.  I will, if I can push it.  If... I don't think I can push it today.  But... soon.  Still, that it doesn't hurt most places, or much?  And, I was able to eat, and really enjoyed the burger soup.  Made more... for tomorrow.   Plus, I have... a plan on how to keep soup ready, and a bit safer.  Just... leaving it on the stove isn't the wisest.  But, putting a steal pan in the fridge isn't the best either.  And, I am trying to get away from plastics.  So... a plan.  We'll see if it works.

A coffee, which was fine.  A bit filling, along with the soup, but... It helps me get a few more calories in.  And, yes, I... now have to fight to do that.  There have been times when I got too much in.  But that is no longer the case.  Which... is fine, mostly.  I just don't want to push that too far.  So, I... do try to get that extra dollop of cream in.

Ah, that might have been it.

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The soup I made last night?  I... was thinking it might not have been done right.  Well, and it wasn't.  First, it was far too flat.  Then I oversalted.  And... then, somehow, I made or left it too fat, but the wrong kind of fat.  Burger juice, when it is the main fat, is... too... wrongly fatty.

So I worked it again today.  Adding sour cream and whole cream, water, salt in moderation, and put that on heat.  And?  And that turned out wonderfully.  I love it when it works.  And that worked.  And is so very filling.  Though, I did have two bowls.

Then again, yesterday, I feasted on chicken.  So... right.  That, I was full, on top of the soup not tasting good.  From the problems.  So it was a double thing.  Oh, but simple beef soup?  I'm telling you, you really can't beat it.  If I could figure out how to pull the meat off a chicken, that would work well too.  Hmm... may have to make another whole chicken, roasted.  Eat what I can while it is warm.  Then shred all the rest after it cools.  That might do, it's just... it's a bit of work.  Between the prep, baking, and eating.  Having energy over after.  Though... I could put the remnants in a ziplock bag.  That would do, if I didn't have the energy left to pull the meat that night?  Sure.

Because, chicken soup would be better, IF the chicken is good.  And I have been having great luck with whole chickens, but they cost $15  bird, or more.  Ugh.  That's more than I pay for steak!  And... probably per pound of meat, too.  Double ugh!  Still, soup lasts... a week.  A chicken, for a pot, for the week?  Or even three or four days?  Yes... maybe.

I have been looking at grass finished beef.  But boy do those cost.  Not sure I'd go for a quarter or half, or such.  Just... no.  I don't eat too much of what is offered.  Have little interest in tri-tip roasts, or sirloin, definitely not bottom round roasts.  Just... haven't found a good use for them.  Too lean to eat.  Though sliced, could make jerky.  But... that'd... be far too expensive for jerky.  If I make jerky, I'm looking for beef at half that cost, or less.  I also don't piss in silver vessels, let alone gold.  Just saying.

Still, the ribeyes?  If they actually prove out to taste better, and I get the sense there is a better health factor to grass fed and finished?  Maybe.  Especially since a full placket of ribeye, a box of burger, and couple of chuck roasts would last me three to five months.  So... yes, maybe.  Although?  The prices vary from one ranche to the next.  Some are as much as double the price.  I'm suspicious of the cheaper.  But also suspicious of the more expensive.  If... my suspicions are different per.  :p

Hmm, coffee is even good tonight.  It wasn't yesterday.  But, then again, I was full.  Something about being full, or nearly, or having been recently?  It... changes my whole attitude toward food and even drink.  If I've been full withing twelve to eightteen hours?  I... don't like food anymore.  A good thing.  I don't mind that.  Sometimes I even have to push water.  When I know I need water.  Still, all good.

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Walked off and forgot to post.  Its...three hours and change later.

I gamed.  But may be quitting the Arc game.  There are all sorts of troubles with it.  It loses stuff.  Important, big items, that took a very long time to create.  Makes it impossible not to cheat.  The game just... forgets.  Fails.  And, it's so complicated, that... remembering how to make things is nigh on impossible.  Plus, some of what is required is... very difficult to even find, even with some sort of cheat on.  Plus?  Some of the rare items disappear (planned this time) over time.  It's... just... too much.

I like what they thought to do with the game.  But it is asking too much.  More so on consoles.  Which have memory limits/problems and too few of inputs.  I hate spending three days making an item only to have the game just... forget I had it?  Wow.  It kills any incentive to work it.  Then one just uses the cheats to create it, then starts... making other things while at it.  But... that totally kills the game.  My mistake in buying it.

It is an improvement over the previous game.  But, it is broken in ways the old game wasn't, too.  Oh well.  I'll see if the other game has some sort of race going.  Both games, though, try to force you to play online.  Penalize, even cheat against you, if you don't.  Which... is a reason not to play those games.

Either they are fishing for data to steal, or somehow using your system for their uses, at best immorally, probably illegally, to hack other machines or systems.  Or, that's my guess.  No one does anything because all the big players are doing it, or trying to do it.

Well... on to something.  Maybe just back on to bed.  Not sure yet.