Work has been difficult.

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I still feel out of sorts. I am able to take the high blood pressure medicine and I am able to stay awake. Concentration is tricky, but I am working to expand that. That I am beginning to expand my concentration is saying something. The homework is not easy, lots of material has been covered and it is sometimes exceedingly complicated. With the answers to the problems, I am able to reverse engineer most of what I cannot figure out up front. That takes a bit more time and concentration but it is necessary. I am not sure how much time I have, but my goal is to be as ready as I am able to be by Monday. After that, I will use any time left in order to work further and to begin doing physics. Physics has been languishing as might be expected.

Though that sounds murky, the truth is it is a good sign. I still need to nap often, work for short periods and then back off and relax by blogging or whatnot, and then get back to it when I can. My body still feels like I was assaulted a few days ago. My headache is no longer migraine quality and the bodily soreness has lessened. The nausea is only occasional now. Things are looking up. I have covered a little less than half of the material. My goal is to go through all of the homework (at least once), to rewrite my notes, to complete the quizzes, and to study the more difficult aspects separately by Sunday. I am working diligently to finish the homework today. I do not pass a problem without solving it and understanding it unless the theory will be covered specifically later, which has allowed me to pass up only one problem so far. I am able to do most of the problems quickly. A quarter of them, however, need a thorough review of the material, including searching through the book, the notes, or both, in order to sort them out. My pace will only get slower as the later work is the most difficult, especially with my recent incapacities. I can only do what I can do, goals just add fire to the engine to push me a bit.

The blind study I have done has helped. Though as I expected, what I learned doing that was not functional. Knowing a formula does not necessarily equate to using it in a particular question, though remembering the particulars of why to use geometric versus hyper geometric distributions can be useful. I really do enjoy this work. It is demanding, intricate, interesting, and real. There is only one right answer (though there may be more than one ways to get that answer… sometimes… okay, rarely). I am a bit confused about the studies in general though. I know I would never be able to just pull this up and be able to functionally operate a problem from memory. And more, I would be even harder pressed to see what I am learning here within another type of problem and then begin figuring it out, or which part of it to use if I did see, when confronted by a problem which is soluble, or which could be more easily solved or partially solved, by these operations. This frustrates me greatly. I really DO want to get to that level. I do, however, realize that this is not practical. The same is true for calculus. I really enjoy both fields of math, even if I am a math weakling. Still, I do enjoy this when I can be awake and aware enough to do it. I just wish I had enough extra to play with some of this. That, however, is not within my capacity, at least not yet.

But, darn it, I am not going to quit! I have just enough juice to maybe do this now. And, should I fail, it will not be because I did not use every ounce I have to my name and then some.

My moods, of course, have been all over the board. With exhaustion, my body trying to come back on line, the medications effects, politics, and such, this is to be expected. Actually, emotionally, I should be in the tank. Everything is difficult, daunting, even threatening. I am actually, and in spite of how it might seem here, doing fairly well emotionally, if with some occasional and serious dips. At least that feeling I had before is with me still, and it does not fade in my worst moments! I take it as a gift, if I wish I knew more about it. Though I must admit, with or without that, my ultimate and mundane hope and faith do not fail me. My worries and doubts are only temporary, like a headache. And, yes, I believe God is with me, but more, I want Him here with me. Even at my worst, I share this with Him (and His), and it is good. I do not know His plans for me but I am quite comfortable that even if it is harsh, it will be something I can bear. Well, it is harsh actually. It could become worse. :p Walking on the coals of life I walk on, carrying the cross I have been asked to carry and in spite of my complaints here, I am actually rather happy. Not a happiness from getting things, succeeding, or such, but a deep, sincere, true contentedness which does not rely on success, how I feel emotionally or physically, or other worldly affairs, events, or realities. Yeah, I guess you could say I am good.