Still listless.

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I did get a shower, loaded up one of the rifles and some of ammunition, and headed into town. Way late, leaving an hour after I had suggested even after giving myself a couple of hours leeway. Two days without medication is what it took to even get me out of my home. Perhaps another day medicine free is what it will take. I will go back on a cut dose though, after that. I know I have an appointment coming up, regarding this stuff, but so be it. I will just have to explain why I did what I did and see what we can do. I know I can't go up on medication, the question at this point is how far I need to go down on it.

My friend was feeling quite ill, so decided against shooting or shopping. And rather than a long visit, the stop was rather short. But this means he probably knows exactly how I have felt for the last week. Unable to wake early, wake well when I did wake, or do more than shuffle from bed to computer desk, occasionally eating and drinking, and taking medication. That was all I was capable of doing and it was pushing things even so.

What is so odd is that I don't look sick at all. You would not know, by talking to me for an hour, that I am completely snow blind. I stopped to pick up some tobacco. I can't quite afford to quit, quite yet. I need a month or two to get my finances back in line. When $26 allows me to feed the habit for a month while quitting would cost more than that per week for about six to eight weeks, I have to stick with the habit.

Again though, while purchasing my habit stuffs, I ran into my typical problems. Married women, that is, and quite interested and interesting. There are three or four of them, in town, who if I needed a lover all I would have to do is arrange the thing. I make virgins squeal and turn into little girls, which makes them ever so annoying. My guess is that married women have learned to deal with this... with me and their natural reactions, so that they can handle keeping some of their cool (not all married women or virgins, just the ones who do find interest in me). Trying to be a good boy is sometimes so damned hard. I'll... keep trying to do right. Sometimes I honestly wonder if even God wants to see me get laid. Either that or He is allowing me to be tempted so far beyond fair play that... Never mind. And, no, I don't relieve believe that God would really lead me into sin. You know how we rationalize our sins of flesh, and of thought. Bah!

Half dead and women still sway my motives. At least there is that. Oh, well, and... I still sway theirs. heh And I got a free cigar out of the deal. No, no, some cigars are just that. Mostly. Inside joke beyond the one you know, and I'm not sharing it. Just... chuckling. I will give you a tip though, no pun intended, and here it is. Women! I suppose I could have advocates explain the various notions.

Women seem to offer this:


No thanks. Bleh. A philistine I might be, but in some things so be it!

How about a little of this? In the secular realm, mind you. Back in the day.

I don't negotiate. I don't need to.

And how I answered their questions. wants. needs. before even that that.

There is a chance I've... been attracted to and attracted some of the damnedest women born though, too.

It's all changed though.

Later or good night.