Lord, about this cup?

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In discussions, thoughts, and prayers something has been nagging me lately.  You know, I have been through some very serious things.  From the time I was pounded to near unconsciousness but fought on, to the knowledge of women (loss of innocence) at such a tender age, to having a bad heart, and even to dying from pain and other things.  I have known pain so great I seemingly couldn't bear it, of both physical and mental natures.  I have scars, visible and not, from having my flesh cut, burned, scratched, poked, and crushed.  I realize too that we can't but do God's will, obediently or not.  We can only choose to participate or fight that will.  How... micro that is, I can't know, though I do suspect.  I know, for one thing, it isn't perfectly absolute as I do not believe God would, or even can, lead us into sin.  But that doesn't mean He didn't know and tabulate that.  And further, I recently thought, and wrote here, that there are only two masters in existence, one of them is not we ourselves.  When we part from God's will to do our own will, that is... decidedly... not whose will we are doing.

Some of these thoughts, and others, have coalesced into... something else.  At times, looking back, it almost seemed as Satan tried to say that if he couldn't have me, then no one could.  And God just said, "No, not yet".

I do believe that God will not give us more than we can handle.  I believe that is spiritual, as physically I can visit a morgue on any given day and see where people have had more than they can handle.  And yet I have seen what some Christians have endured.  Yes, true, our lives, if we are Christians, are forfeit by that very reason.  Only through real and holy forfeiture can we come to Grace.  But it is in that first sentence, and knowing that God strengthens us for our challenges, that... something looms.

I may have suggested, in the past, that I felt a very personal call to follow God.  I don't mean, as in, it touched me, if it did, if more as a thing and not an emotional, or even happy, call.  I didn't want to be called.  I don't mean that it was private, something just between the Trinity and myself, I can't even shut up about it so that wouldn't work.  :p  No, I mean, it was quite directional.  You.  Who, me?  Yes, you...  Doom.  Come, follow me.  I think you have the wrong... guy.  I knew He didn't. 
So, what is your purpose in God?  Most, I think, are here to learn and grow and do His will as best we can.  Some, however, have a very specific reason to be... called.  To live.  To be.  There have been many, in the bible, and in life since that Writing, known and unknown, who have been called and obeyed.  To be honest with you, most of those who were specially called had their lives ended... well... tragically, catastrophically.  How much more someone built and forged to endure almost death itself?  Putting a few things together, I am beginning to wonder just...  Why He did call me?  Oh, I've got to tell you, I'm sort of uncomfortable with this, right here, right now.

My training and ways.  My... will, within a certain... set of caveats.





His will?




I've got to be honest, I hope that cold wind that is and has been shivering through my spine and soul is just... the fearfulness of an old fool.  For if not, I have some serious suffering ahead of me.  But I say this, if with much more fearful trepidation than what Christ taught me...  If it be Thy will.  Thy will, not mine, Father.

I must admit to feeling just... a little trapped here.  But I can't honestly do otherwise than to submit to His will. This is going to hurt.  Oh Lord this is going to hurt, bad.  I best get back to swimming for sure tomorrow.  I'm going to need it and I wouldn't want to disappoint Him.

Without recriminations... so be it.