I've been awake for a while.

.

.

Up late, running hard lately, not doing right.  And, with so many things on my mind.  Things which need doing, things which could or might really get done, and things which may or may not be in the offing.  So much of a world out there.  And so little.  I live in the mountains in part to remember who I am.  Just... a little man.  Even if I were as big as my biggest kin, as tall as cedars, I'd... still be a small man.  Somehow, I think God put that in the beans of those who choose to worship Him.  It is something even He knows.  A part of the divine.  His place is different, but... I think He knows some things far beyond even what the most humble of men can possibly understand, even in this.

What?  I mean... I am overwhelmed, at times.  Prayers.  They help.  I don't "leave things to the Lord", I merely ask for His guidance, wisdom.  I look for what is best, among friends and family.  They can't tell you, or force you, or lead you, but they can act as guideposts.  They have their own wants, needs, too.  But...

Oh, and dreaming... of a woman... last night.  With her, during sex, I would laugh.  I... learned not to do that.  She... took it personally?  I would be going to town, and then remember something she had said, and just burst out.  Keep going, but... laughing my ass off.  I would, later, try to explain.  But... she never believed?  And felt bad?  So, I learned to only laugh on the inside.  I really have enjoyed life in ways I don't think many people even can.

Though, it does make me wonder.  What did she think I was laughing at?  If the roles were reversed, I could guess.  But, why would she have gotten hurt feels over it?  Anyway...  A curiosity I may never know, or not here.

I think she has visited, lately.  A lot.  Several things I have written have gotten her attention.  Well, and some things from the past.  This song, a lot, on several different posts.  But... she doesn't get it.  It... resembles some... things.  But, the resemblance isn't what it seems.  It isn't about certain choices, or interests, it was about those, but without marriage, outside of it.  I don't... judge... certain things.  I, too, have preferences.  It... wasn't about specific proclivities.  Just the situation in which they were performed.

There are, actually, many things she has been viewing.  Doubting, or not being happy about, or enjoying quite truly.  Yeah, she still crosses my mind.  And, as I have mentioned, I still believe she has visited me, in her, or my, dreams.  Sometimes quietly, just a wisp of a shadow, sometimes other things.  I am sure of it.  But, yes, she is back.  Just clearing something I think she is still... sore about?

Chores done.  I'll probably go out, again.  I have a lantern with one group, and a porch light dimly lighting the back area for the other group.  I'll consider putting a different light out for the nearer group, if I get out again.  My sleep schedule, and running out of food, and other things, have made keeping up difficult.  I am catching up, but need to try to water them, if possible, three times a day for a while.  Just to catch up and keep them up.  At dawn, if at all possible.  Then two more times during the day.

Anyway...  Later.