.
The goal was to find a way to make it to mass. But, no. No, no,
no. Standing is still tricky. Sitting is still a spooky
thing. So far I haven't fallen while sitting. But it is taking
every bit of arm strength I have to keep that from happening, and balancing
ability. The chair, either, could easily tip if the strength I can bear
isn't balanced against whichever chair correctly. Oh, and going to the
bathroom is worse. It's lower. At least it can't slip out from
under me... probably. Or... as easily. I suspect, at nearly three
hundred, I can... dislodge a toilet without too much fuss if I really wanted
to, or serioulsy lost my balance.
No, the legs hurt still. And are weak. Getting better, but not
there yet. I didn't sleep well for them. Tossing, turning, too
hot, too cold, all night.
---------
I dreamed. While I don't believe in... soothesayers, in this dream there
was one I heard about. One who... spoke true. I could tell.
Though, too, I suspected she wasn't... what she seemed. She was in my
village. But I kept missing meeting her. She left just before I
entered whereever she was practicing... her arts. And, she was gone in a
flash.
The longer this went on, the more I suspected she knew... much. She knew
me. Avoiding? Or... waiting for... some sign, portent, or word
from God? She definitely wasn't what she seemed. Others saw her as
an average looking middle-aged woman. A bit past her prime. So,
that is what I was looking for.
She had various forms of soothesaying. I had wanted a certain form of
it. When I finally found her, I noticed two things. First, she
wasn't... what she was said to be. She was beautiful and sort of
ageless. I couldn't understand, at first, how others could see her the
way they did. Second, she wouldn't soothesay the way I prefered.
And, really, the third thing was... she did know me. She was kin, of a
sort... my sort. While I was of spirit and flesh, she was purely
spirit. This I saw easily... know my own. Probably why she hid
from me for the longest time... allowing the Ghost to... inform me, caution
me, and such. Not... against her. More that I would approach her
rightly, and consider things with caution. Some things shouldn't be
shared, spoken, with the... others. The normals. And so it was.
She let me know what I already suspected. An angel, to be sure...
messenger. She was giving out messages to some in the area. I was
an... inconvenience. Though, still, through my insistance, and potency
of my nature, she eventually relented... to speak with me. Give me a
reading, but only of the sort she saw fit.
In a roundabout way, she let me know my dreams, and other inspired notions,
were true. Without saying it in a way any other would understand, she
let me know I was... War... insurrection. That my time had come and
passed and would come again, in time, for a final time. And,
begrudgingly, she let me know that my works were... blessed. A gift to
the children of God, not a curse. Only a curse to the worldly, those who
had chosen... a path not to God, of God, but of another.
Though, too, she assured me something I already knew. The path was not
going to be easy, gentle, right, nor secure. Without depending on
Wisdom, my path might still be righteous, and do it's task, but that I might
yet be lost on it. Though, further, she assured that such was not the
intent of the One who sent me on the path. Nor was it guaranteed.
As with any, choices, if well made, would secure salvation or ensure
destruction... or a form of those.
---------
I tell you, some dreams are... more than dreams. This certainly felt
like more than just a dream. That "woman" was... more than a dream
character. She knew me, in and out of the dream. I dream awake, I
know a dream, inside sleep and out of it. It is my way. She knew
much. She was a truth sharer, and real, and of herself, not me.
She was alive in the dream.
There were... other things she said. For my ears only.
Terrifying? How terrifying is salvation? Damnation, for the
damnable, is... understood. Not... fully, or they wouldn't do it.
It is a form of immortal suicide. But salvation? For one who sat
at the table, if not a party to it fully... only it's fruits?
Nose-bleed, spinning world, change of whole being, terrifying. I assure
you. Losing a wrong family, for a right one, if not understanding how
that could be, that sort of horrifying. And, yet... so
peace-bringing. But peace, to a creature of war? I doubt if you
can understand. To see the light is difficult for a creature borne of
darkness. But there is something so... good about it. Like seeing
the beauty of the crucifixion. A vast horror brought to light, made
whole, good, great, divine.
---------
Not much more I can say about that. Though, another dream.
Something about explaining my caddish behavior. Not... accepting it,
just a discussion, with the wife... or good female friend... of one of my
brothers. He listened in the background. He... has... lived his
life, too. Sometimes wrongly, or rightly, but... he listened intently
while myself and this woman spoke.
In spite of all my ills, I... wanted children, a wife, and such. I
wanted to be a party to that, but... between this and that, it wasn't a
possibility which fully presented itself. Traveling, doing, going,
etc. Though, too, what brought me to such ways, and what took away some
possibilities. From health, to death, mine, hers, and else.
As mentioned, though, I always wanted just the plain, simple, boring(?),
frustrating family thing. I knew I couldn't do it perfectly. I
knew I would mess up. I only hoped to find a woman would could abide,
and be abided in her... ways, right and wrong. It's never easy. It
just didn't happen. Probably couldn't have, to this point. Some
very slim chance of something akin to it taking place, but... you... never
know.
---------
And, in that same dream, back to swimming? We'll see. It was, I
felt, a call more than prophecy. We'll see.
---------
Painpills today. The legs really do hurt. But the hurt... is... a
better hurt. Probably worse than before, much as it is often darker just
before dawn? Something like that, or I hope.
I am planning on making corned beef. The only real problem is I don't
have cabbage! I had planned to pick it up when buying butter, but
forgot. Then thought I would get it on the way home, but was far too
shot for that. I do have cauliflower and broccoli. So, maybe that
would work?
Oh, and a few vids which... got me thinking. Not sure about the one, or
all of it? I really would like try the trio. The tie one I will
definitely try the next time I need to tie a tie. The others I really am thinking on. Men and tricks.
Trying to do it the easy way, if there never is an easy way... save accidentally, sometimes. But... all good. Later.
Oh, and... just... probably... dreaming. But... a few thoughts.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Backsass Here