It always amazes me.

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I've been... honest about my past.  The various stages I have gone through, the things I have done and may have done.  Some of the reasons for some of the shifts.  And I have been as honest as I can be about where I am.  Folk just don't always believe, or they want to test, or this or that.  No skin off my nose.  It honestly doesn't bother me.  Never was good at going along, and my failings are mine.

I started out rather rough.  I tried to find God, to understand Him and what He wanted.  I saw too much too fast to believe that what He wanted was possible.  I saw men and women having affairs, out of wedlock and many other sorts of propriety, I had my own before I knew it was wrong.  I saw thefts, and not just the punks on the streets.  Bankers, businessmen, and men who had "enough" wealth that they had no reason to steal.  I saw corruption at every level of life, in many ways, and from the very people who were supposed to be the examples.  Sometimes they tried to hide it, sometimes they flaunted it.  I saw, either way, and understood from a very young age.

So I tried to become the generic "good guy".  I knew stealing was wrong, so didn't do it, save by need.  A slippery slope that one, as they all are, when we add but a single qualification.  But basically I kept clean.  One woman... at a time... usually.  And only women I wanted.  Then no wives.  Then more limitations over time.  I never have understood the guys who will take whatever lines up to them.  I don't care if they are supermodels, or whatever trips a particular man's trigger.  It always, always, had to be my way or no way.  Even so I was a busy man that way.  Until I met her.  And lost... everything.  I don't know if I changed or... matured... into a darkness.


Things started to go downhill after that.  Then I lost the rest of it.  I never did care for money, or rank, or power.  I carried mine with me, used it as necessary, saved it for when the battle was ripe and I liked the stakes and odds... or had no choice.  King, beggar, policeman, housewife... all the same to me unless or until it became personal, one way or the other.  I still hold that as my way.  Don't ask me if I know who you are.  Even if I do that won't mean squat.  What you do, and how you do it, and what intentions you have with myself and others will get you the keys to my kingdom or more pain than you have ever known, maybe a quick death.

After burning the world, with war.  After trying to drown myself in sex and booze.  After trying to get it all to end in a blaze of glory.  I reached a point where something changed.  Really, it had started before I consciously knew it.  While I really did trash the place, there were certain... lines... in some sands... that I would not, could not, quite cross.  Destruction, mayhem, and debauchery, but only up to "here".  Not one step further.  Even taking a step back to make sure I didn't cross in my rage or lust or drunkenness.  God must have seen this, probably helped.  Time and again, up to a point.  No further.

Oh, I am sure, when everything burned, I probably was literally mad enough that I couldn't see lines.  But that is... a different thing.  A sad thing.  A mad thing.  I became animal.  Animals, while incapable of sin, are also incapable of choice or innocence.  They are the living dead.  And so I was, at times, in places.  Neither conscious nor culpable.  Unaware, save that everything hurt beyond words, thought, sound.  Even then, what I burned with me was only what offered itself for sacrifice.  Evil eats evil.  Specifically some sorts of evil.

Now?  Now I am more akin to a monk.  While I do not take all of the vows, I often live them.  I do not live a life of poverty.  I do live no more than the manager of a station or such.  Stocks, food, and equipment I see as becoming necessary for myself and others.  Though I am not bound to silence, I usually am.  I have taken a vow of chastity, to the point of marriage, and to a degree beyond, and keep to that to the best of my abilities.  So many, who read here, or otherwise know me, have heard this... are like I used to be.  They can't believe.  They limit others by what they fail to be able to abide.  It does make me stop and think, though, about those who are even better than I at vows and oaths, and right living.  Though I realize not all are called to that, including me.  I am merely called to a better living.  But I know both sides, if this new side only as well as I can.  I ought to tell you though.  I know what you were thinking.  I do see in the dark, better than even in the light... by far.  No, no worries.  Just... making sure you understand.  I do see, even if I ignore.  I won't judge you, especially if you keep it as a mild... opportunity... trap... test.  I won't fail.  My hunger is still terrible, it's just that my obedience is greater.  I tell you no lie.