Not just sore arms.

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A grand headache, a bit of a heavy stomach, a mild fever, throbbing neck glands, and a bit of a sour note to the day greeted me when waking this morning. You just have to love booster shots. There are even slight heart palpitations. I am surprised they would give these considering my blood pressure puts me at imminent risk of heart attack and stroke. Then again, medicine is not really medicine, as we would like to think of it. It is a bunch of people doing their own little things with little interaction, foresight, or planning. The cynicism I see there is beyond contempt.

Given that most of the doctors I am seeing are women, and most of the medical I receive is more bureaucratic than scientific, I cannot but suspect that is all that can be expected. All you have to do is look at the studies regarding critical thinking and women, understand that medicine is purely about the patient, understand that emotion has little place in the medical field, and realize the gig is up. I hate to say it, but that is just the way it is. Until feminism is conquered within or from our fall, all things are going to become this way. Feminism will kill me, but I die knowing it is doomed. I guess that is enough.

I must be honest though, when I broke, I was pretty sure it was not something that could be fixed. Even animals know when they are doomed, and many have the capacity to stop eating and go away to die. I was unable to stop eating well enough or for long enough to die, so suicide was the logical next step. Given the cynicism of medicine, I am truly surprised they bothered to bring me back. I am guessing it had more to do with the doctor trying to defeat death and prove his 'godhood' than it had to do with healing a patient. Or, at least, medicine tries to be blind to who it heals as much as modern law tries to ignore as much as possible when delivering "justice". I live in a failed society, though that is nothing new.

Frustrated, every time I go there, of course. Still, I am pleased to have had a chance to find redemption. I am happy to live even this secluded, partial, odd life I have left to me. I suppose I am more frustrated that now that I have it and now that I have seen medicine can actually help, that now medicine has turned away from what did work. Or at least it worked better than anything I have ever seen in 20 years of a gimped life. I almost had a half of a full life and my blood pressure was down to 140's over 90's. That was not good enough for them, so now nothing is considered better by them. You have to see my frustration. I have considered taking matters into my own hands. As I have said, however, I know that will lead to very bad things. I cannot reliably self medicate. I have to have oversight, oversight I can trust. As I would kill to save another from damaging their soul further on this plain, I would die rather than see myself become a monster.

Well, back to tinkering. At least I was able to wake this morning. And I will probably do some more in the kitchen, finish laundry, and do a few other things. Small things, but they are the world to me. Just a little function. It is not all I want, but I will take the little gifts as I may. Good day.