Why so variable?

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Yesterday night, waking happened at 21:30, I think.  Tonight, 23:37.  Each night for the last few weeks, month... ah... medicine.  Until I get used to it, things will just be different.  When I get back on it, there will be variability, but generally only in one direction.  Currently I can lose two to six hours (or nothing, depending on variables I don't know).  When fully on, or off, medicine, I generally only lose time in one direction, later.

I have been fighting that since I first got ill.  I can't keep time static.  No matter how many alarms, or what requirements I have or create, waking on a regular time isn't possible.  Which is why I don't work.  I think the longest I have been able to keep days, generally, is about three months.  But even that wouldn't have allowed me regular work.  Unless there was a shift change half way through.

When going to college, I did everything I could to regulate my days and nights.  I also had a woman, who in theory would help.  Toward the end, she began sabotaging me.  Why?  Because it was killing me... the failure.  Not the academics... it was the attempt to get up and be there.  Surprised I didn't die.  Pushed way too hard.

Strange thing is, when I have a woman, but no external stresses, I can lead a much more normal life.  Not... perfectly, but better.  Especially if... I like being with her.  If she becomes too stressful, I... drift.  No choice.  Add external efforts in, and that goes away.

Pain?  Just a bit, on the feet.  And kidneys, if more when trying to sleep.  I would wake to them barking a bit.  Now that I am up, they seem better.  Or... behind the veil.  Something still there, but my body's pain management keeps it from conscious sensation.  Feet are okay though, across the board.  A lot better than they have been for the last week.  Odd that they hurt while I slept, and more right while waking, to only just stop hurting.  I'll take it.

I didn't do any work yesterday... other than chores... if barely.  As for food, I just heated parts of the roast.  I am hoping to do dishes, and maybe make something to eat.  I'm not hungry, at all.  I just... know I should eat.  I wasn't hungry yesterday, either.  I haven't been hungry for a while.

I need to get the waterers refilled, do dishes, hit the laundry, and get a shower.  Plus food.  The girls have been fed, but I need to hit their litter.  It is 45 outside, but a pleasant general feel.  No wind, no moisture in the air, just... a rather good night.  I put the ducks in.  Looks like the rabbits need water, but they don't drink at night so I'll just get them first thing in the morning.  I may need to get a pail or water, two... to change the girls' water.

First, though, to wake.  Look around the web.  Play the game a bit.  Then some work.  I think I can tonight.  It has been a month, on medicine.  One day missed, out of twenty eight... right?  I think so.  I have another month set up.  I have three more packs I could fill.  And, I may do just that... if I have enough medicine.  Then, mostly, refill as I finish.  Try to keep on top, so I don't lose track again.  Bleh.

Later.