Rough, tumble, low.

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Life.  A difficult thing often enough.  Toss in being over one's head, suffering seriously physically, while having abandonment issues exasperated, and there I go.

I have too much to do and currently no good way to do it.  The house, the fridge, new and old business, projects, probably more.  It wasn't work that brought me down.  I was down physically.  Working through it was most likely a good thing.  If nothing else it offered real, or causal, pain to balance the system failure based suffering.  I need to get back on medicine for one thing, if I am not sure that helps anymore.  Did it ever?  Can it.  I'll... give it a go again.

My body feels bad.  Ever worn a compression sock, bandage, brace for what seems like too long?  Imagine a whole-body compression device, worn way too long.  Or being gassy, but having that sensation everywhere from torso to shoulder joints to calves.  No bloat or water retention, so there doesn't seem to be a simple actual physical cause.  I haven't been complaining, through the weeks, more maybe, as that doesn't help.  A grumpy body, lack of focus, exhaustion.  Warm sunny days would, might, help, if I truly fear blisteringly, blindingly, hot days.

After my masseuse left for unknown reasons, my pedicurist is leaving.  At least I know why with her.  And I got to say goodbye.  Just someone, but when you have few you deal with pretty much at all, each has an... extended value.  And then on top of the rest. The inverse of the cherry on top.  Such a mood.
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A dream, though.  Pinocchio.  Again?  I am almost sure this isn't the first time.  If this is a vastly different take.

I was Pinocchio.  Of a different sort.  Of flesh, but not what I thought.  I knew the one who crafted me, but knew him to be false... a corrupter and deceiver.  I went seeking whatever it would take to set things right, to understand, to know the truth.  Most of my kind refuse the truth for the vanity of their corruption.  I... just couldn't stop digging at, doubting, even hating, my corruption.  Still tied to it, but not enamored of it as most of my kind... the mirror just never was my thing, less the deceptive mirror.

The search began for the one who imbued what I then, originally, thought was my maker/father, with his will.  Or further, to the first or great Maker.  Most of my kind, in many ways, can't and won't see that far around, let alone attempt to approach that Being.  Reality is too painful for most.  Then again I wasn't sure there was anything out there to be found.  I... just suspected.

After a very long, harsh, seemingly empty, search, in a last desperate ploy, I cast myself to the sea.  Perhaps in part seeking Truth or dissolution, after much and great tribulation, I ended on the shore of some unknown place, deposited by terrible storms.  I slept right in place, unable to move, as the terrible weather lashed and threatened to consume me even on the shore.  I could do nothing.

I woke to the breaking of the storm, clouds having distanced themselves to a threat but on the far horizon.  I had no idea where I might be.  Only I had become part fish, so being out of the water, and unable to return to it for the selfsame reason, I realized I was choking out.  I couldn't believe this was going to be the only answer.  I called, if with no voice.

Right then a man approached.  He was coming right at me.  I panicked, then realized it probably couldn't get a whole lot worse.  He picked me up, mumbling to himself something along the lines of 'Well, let's have a look at you'.  He seemed kindly, in a wise way.  As he picked me up and set me down, I realized I  was me again, no longer of a fish sort.  Then I realized Who it was.  In that moment all of my anger, questions, doubts fled, if answers did not fill that void.  Reverence.  To be in His presence is to know... special things and ways, starting with absolute adoration and reverence.  Joy.  It is, in a few words, to be perfectly alive.  And, so, I was.

I couldn't ask questions, He didn't actually speak, but over time, which isn't the same near Him... at all... forever in a moment while... no... I don't think words make sense.  I did begin to understand.  I got that many, even of my kind, end up where I am.  Not all for acceptable reasons.  Some are there only with questions.  Is, is the answer.  Others can't call, or have no hope or faith.  Foolish, childish, things?  Even if that was the whole truth, better than hardhearted options.  So many fail to let go of self and see Him, only Him, forgetting self fully.  He was well pleased that I had not lost the ability to see and lose myself to Him.

Then He told me a secret, or at least something very few "mortals" know in any age, and goes forgotten for some ages of man entirely.  I heard that God was the first to learn to forget Himself.  It was in the process of choosing What, Who, Is God?  You cannot serve, let alone perfectly, with self.  Well, that is what I understood.

Healed.  Yes!  And no.  Nothing changed, except everything.  I am still Pinocchio.  I am even still part fish, His grace in order to find Him.  I am still broken, a liar (sometimes), and all the rest.  But I know, truly know, hope faith and charity are true.  That I have a real Father, over the failures, and that there is a place for me.  As a friend *cough?* insinuated not too awfully long ago, I yam who I yam.  But now I am Nemo, too.  And, ultimately, that is dominant and more vital.

Such dreams.  It still hurts, in the many ways, but the stings are put back into perspective.  Even should I be dying, I'll still do what I can to live.  If all fails, I'll deal with that, and anything between.  Amen.