Some days...

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I have to ask myself, sometimes, why I am still alive.  Sometimes due to pain, sometimes from a fogginess which makes living so very complicated, and other reasons.  Today it is because I have been unable to function.

I have been feeding and tending Sassy.  I made myself a meal, and coffee a few times.  But, beyond that, it just isn't happening.  Even gaming is... difficult.  Focus?  No, that isn't too bad.  It's... a will, or want, that is missing.  Something inside me just isn't there.

I want it to be there.  I try tricks, push, pull, think about it.  Anything to get something to give, or go, move, or break even.  I love to work.  I love to do.  I wouldn't even mind figuring out how to get out for a walk.  If... I am a bit paranoid.  I... get the feeling that there are some who would kill me, if they saw me and thought they could even just hit me.  Some suspect they would walk, even if caught.  And, they may be right.

I seem to have friends, in the... strangest places.  High, and low, and middling.  Not... sure how far they would go for me.  But, in some situations, I think they would kill, maybe die, for me.  It would have to be the right situation, they would have to have the opportunity and equipment.  They... know who I am.  It isn't even... friendship.  It's... business obligations, if a bit more too.  Or... I believe those things.

Why?  Because.

More, I have been watching videos, about climbers, divers, and such.  Some die.  Those interest me.  Some succeed grandly.  Those interest me.  Some just... do mediocre achievements, within their domains.  Those, too, interest me.  Living, and dying, are... parts of life.  Being able to do neither seems... unfair, unkind, wrong.  And, that is because it is.

I have done some of these things, in less rigorous type of situations.  If I have done things just as serious, in different areas... such as... waterboarding a class five and an half flood.  But it was always my... intention... to go further, deeper, longer, higher.

But... I fell.  Like few can, from a height few can survive.  Not a bone was broken, not a stitch needed.  No wound was obvious.  And still, I am all but dead.  Jealous, of those who succeeded, and those who failed to finality.  Ah, but I don't begrudge them their dues.  Some are at peace, others still hunger.  These things I know.

I am not alone.  Sometimes people from the past, sometimes people I don't know, sometimes... someone I suspect.  Angels, God Himself, others?

I have found some peace in it.  I understand why most cannot... stay with me, visit or for long.  Watching someone die is hard, watching someone die over days, weeks, months, years, decades?  That'll take the heart right out of a man or woman.  Which is why I... do my best to chase you off.  Even if I end up outliving you.  Odd, that.  Though, even then, I am... not alone.  Amen.