Pushing Too Hard

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I have been doing too much simply by working out. I will continue as I can, but I am not sure how this will work. I have a trick up my sleeve, but it is temporary at best and may not work. My medicine has helped me to become more active. As I have increased my activity to take up the slack, I have pulled more than what was created as slack and I am well into an area of growth that is highly resistant. I have pulled far more than my medicine will allow and my body seemingly can manage. This is where I want to be, but it is also where I am on my own. This is the make or break point. I am back in the rapids.

I am worried, and some things have shaken my confidence. I am now, after the doctor “surgically removed resistance to some degree”, having to both recover and push. Sleep is becoming demanding, and I am not sure how to escape that demand. This is not whining, it is an understanding that I am still very disabled, that I am still quite weak, and that I may have real and hard limits. Can I get past that? The Lord knows I am afraid.

I have a busy week. I have many things I have to get done and I do not want to cut my exercises. Here lies the biggest obstacle I have faced. I will see this week if I can push into classes and maintain my routines. I have about a month to get things going if this week proves poorly. I also have a doctors appointment between now and school, which has some potential to be helpful. But, this is a new doctor and a month is tight. Sticking to my guns is what I will do, even if, no when, I mess up. If you want to do something, pray for me. This is my chance, my last chance, to try and make it out of disability and into a functional healthy professional life. This is what it has all come down to. This is the time. I either walk away with the goods or I find a lesser life of “leisure” with my brokenness as a permanent form of existence. This is not my final trial by far, but have no doubts, this is one of the biggest ones.