Went down late but hard.

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As 2:00 rolled around, I was able to sleep.  I remember something, something, then rolling over at noon.  Waking wasn't as tough this morning as it was yesterday.  Medicines down the throat, brushed the teeth, but it will still take a bit to wake.  I have no clue what is on the menu to even try today.  I'll figure it out sooner though.  A ten hour sleep, with a nap yesterday, probably just means I am in recovery a bit.  Fine, fine, but I'll try to push through.  Hey, at least I haven't given up, from pain, or in the doldrums, and just set everything on autopilot.  You have no idea how tempting the notion is.  Then again, as I harden to the rigors of life again, and illness, I may be losing the ability to drift.  Not that it used to be a choice, and maybe it is just barely an option now.  I have just enough health to still suffer greatly but not enough to suffer beyond my means?  Maybe.  I hope for more improvement.  Barring that, I actually think the literal situation has gone from bad to worse, as to feel.  I literally have to hope for more.  Push for better.  I guess, the old saying, that things must get worse before they can get better, is true.  At least in this case, for me, now.  Fine, fine.  As long as it gets better.

I'm still feeling odd organ pains.  Triceps are just a touch sore still.  But all in all, today is a vast improvement.  Another day or two and I may be completely pain free.  And while I did sleep hard, and a little longer than usual, I did sleep well, woke well, and am feeling up to a full day... if not much activity probably.  One thing at a time.  I sometimes wonder if I focus to much on this stuff.  But if you had felt the pain, or even what is left of it today, you would understand... it isn't so much that I focus on it, it is that it is intense enough that I can focus on almost nothing else.  It's not so much a choice as a reality.  Same for most of my complaints.  Go to a hospital, where if you were me you would be.  Look around the heart clinic, at the guys who don't do as well with our condition as I do.  Talk to them.  The ones who can talk through whatever they give them for the condition, the ones who can talk.  The only real difference is I am not hospitalized for it.

Hmm... I just realized something...  When the heart clinic heard, from some nurse practitioner at that despite them not finding it, that I had a heart arrhythmia, they were hoping for it.  You see, they don't like messing with medicines.  They, really, are hoping to do some sort of surgery.  They really don't have any other use for clients.  Since I won't do a heart transplant, and shoot down every false prognosis like the winner gunslinger in the Old West, they really aren't interested in continuing to see me.  Now, for my part, I need them, but just for medicine updates and tests my gp can't order.  I need them to monitor my condition in a way a gp can't and shouldn't be trusted to do.  So, I will, if I have to, and again, fight the V.A. for my right to have a specialty clinic.  Yeah, I see that coming.  I've had to fight them before, and usually win.  They are not in it for me.  They are in it to make money as a teaching hospital, for the unions, and for cushy jobs that don't require lawsuit coverage.  But it's what I've got.  Gotta keep an eye on them, they are crafty bastards.

Later.