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I am not sure what the difficulty is, currently, other than it seems to be of a physical nature. My arms and leg muscles ache as if I have been physically straining them, I am once again exhausted but it feels like the type of exhaustion that comes from physical activity rather than from my other problem. I am sleeping in spats, staying up only 6 to 8 hours, and then needing sleep. And any real activity, such as grocery shopping or light packing exhausts me greatly. It is not worry, as I have pretty much taken care of those things which bother me. My dreams have been dark. I have found in the past, when I can remember dreams and they are of war that this can leech my strength. I cannot remember the dreams other than that they are dark, hard, and I am very physical in them. Odd that dreams can do that, but they do. I suppose it is those dreams that keep me in the shape I am in. Though I am overweight, and though I cannot seem to garner strength or fitness on demand, when need calls I seem to be able to function way beyond what a totally sedentary life should allow. Hike 12 miles, with a pack, no problem. Help people move, even in hot weather, not an issue. I wish this particular corpse I inhabit came with instructions, it baffles even the doctors.
I went to the dentist yesterday. I have poor tooth care habits, so I am always a little nervous when I go. It is not cavities that concern me, it is the displeasure of my care providers. As usual, I received an A+, and more. They found cavities that had started to form, stopped, and even reversed themselves and started healing. My gums had no recesses, or pockets. Neither the cleaning technician nor the dentist where particularly pleased, especially when I indicated I had only brushed perhaps 10 times since I had seen them last. My smirk does not add to their favorable view. But it is light, not heavy disdain they poor upon my tired head. And, I still have that smirk. I am sure, perhaps, one day God will wipe that smirk right off my face. And, should I be able, I will gladly trade it for a face indicating the simple sublime. Oh, I might as well be honest. That smirk comes not from pride but from a lack of understanding as to why my health is so good in spite of it being so bad. It is more like a perfectly healthy and more human being frozen into an inability to function for no health reasons at all. I am dying of aging… A slow process. An uncomfortable process. But while time passes me by, I remain fitter than could be imagined. Even this exhaustion, and the aching muscles, come from some form of my body’s work-out routine. It keeps itself fit this way, somehow.
I have not called the dealership. I really am just too exhausted, mentally and physically, to deal with that today. Actually, I could not get the trash out this morning, I could not wake up. I even set alarms, which while they woke me, I could not wake enough to do more than put them on snooze or reset them. I was not able to rise until about 14:00. Dreams, lots of them. I do remember a few lesser ones, but not the bad ones. It is now 16:56 or so, and guess what? I need to go back to sleep. Not even my game can keep me awake. I hope your sleeps are nourishing. If they are, feel blessed, for you are. I live two or three days in a day, lately. It is confusing. Anyway, goodnight, at least until later this afternoon or evening? Bah!
just happened by and read a couple of entries. I ain't a doc, but I can say from first hand experience with myself and several othhr family members, that everything I've read indicates a totally classic case of severe clinical depression and very possibly fibromyalgia which is generally presented with chronic fatigue syndrome.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure that writing is a fair 'venting mechanism', but even if you have tried meds before and they did not work out, there are many many good meds out there that still might work. So I would strongly urge you to find a doc who really cares and who will work with you until you find something that works, even if it takes a year or two to hit the right med or the right combination.
Wishing you all the best, and hoping for better days ahead for you-
j
Perhaps it is as you say. And, a year or two of working on the thing would be fine. But after 20 years of working on the thing, finding a solution, then getting a new doctor who would not continue a year and a half old successful regimen... Then, going to private medicine only to not be able to replicate the success... I quit.
ReplyDeleteAnd it is not just one problem. They could not help with an infection, which has only gone away after I stopped taking their medicine and going regularly to the hospital (I suffered with that for four years). And the diabetes they failed to control, even when I took the meds and ate pretty much what they wanted (which I have suffered with for three or four years now, which is no better or worse on or off the medicine). Add to that the high blood pressure which they have not sorted out after seven or eight years. Then throw in the primary disability which has been treated by everything but leeches, to my knowledge. They know nothing. They cannot or will not help. Private or V.A., no one seems to be able to help.
As for depression or fibro... I don't think so. The medicine I was given, actually to help prevent exhaustion (or, more severe exhaustion) due to taking high blood pressure medicine, was more like a minor speed, otherwise known as Ritalin, or actually some generic form of it. When a new doctor ended the script from the V.A., I went private. It just wasn't the same. Though I made it through my last classes, it was brutal.
There is some physical difficulty. I am not sure if the V.A. is unwilling to help or unable to help. Though at times I have definitely seen both. Perhaps they want to keep my diagnosis as it is, as they believe I am incurable and do not wish to risk my disability claim by mucking with the diagnosis. There are more nefarious explanations, including petty angers at my non-pc ways, my direct way of speaking, my disinterest in bowing as if they are saviors, and or my insistence that something they think should work does not work (in spite of it not working or making things even worse).
I refuse to self medicate, that has never worked. And, really, after that many failures over those many years on so many fronts... I am just being practical.
Thanks for your suggestion though. Just understand, I didn't throw in the towel willynilly. I just can't fight a war with college, doctors, and my disability, or even any two at the same time anymore. I am too tired of the fight. I am becoming okay with that. And, I will enjoy life as I may. If I am depressed, it is because we were so close. I will get over that, just like I always do, energy to live a bit more or not.
An A+ from the dentist and with such irregular brushing! Count yourself blessed Doom.
ReplyDeleteOh, I do... at least, when I don't... Something like that. That only makes sense if you learn to see clean through things to the heart of the matters.
ReplyDeleteThose muscle aches are not an uncommon side effect of statins--cholesterol lowering drugs. But the fact that you've ditched all your drugs makes it more of a mystery.
ReplyDeleteOh, my cholesterol has never been a problem either. In spite of consuming a pound of real butter a week (or more), 2 gallons of whole milk, and not avoiding anything like that, my bad cholesterol is excellent and my good cholesterol is divine. Yeah, the docs really don't like me sometimes, or dentists.
ReplyDeleteOh, my bp and glucose haven't improved or gotten worse, off the meds. Just a bumpy ride as usual.
Ribs are a bit tender this morning, along with those aches. It's not every day, just sometimes.