To be honest…

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Things went down hill quickly when I left school and stopped medicine. I do not think it was the medicine, as that was becoming as much a problem as it was helpful. I started playing a computer game and was not dealing with real life at all. Phone calls were ignored, mail was stacked and properly ignored, and I left the house only when I was able and then only to go to the store for food. Well, my lady friend dragged me out into to the darkness from time to time. Which would have been fine, if my assumptions were correct. My assumption, the primary one, was that everything was on automatic pay. My bad.

My credit cards were not being paid. Neither was my automobile payment. I found out this month my auto was 3 months in arrears. My cards were a bit behind as well. I have not been spending money, but then I had seen my balances and thought they were completely available for the move. After finally paying some attention, and then realizing these things, I got busy. I paid one of my cards off whole (I do not charge unless I have the cash, so no big deal there). The other card received a healthy pay, and is scheduled for another good chunk this coming month. As for the auto, I agreed to pay one payment this month and 1 and ½ payments from here on until I am caught up (and I think I will just continue that payment plan, to have it paid of well and early). After looking at my balances, I actually paid my first payment and a half this month. So, I am taking care. As well, I would still have enough to move this month if I chose to. Therefore, in a few months, I will be in really good financial shape for the move and my credit cards will be clean too, for emergencies or whatnot.

However, I became a bit tweaked yesterday. The car company called, asked for more than what we had agreed to, and indicated they need to call every three days. I really cannot handle that stress, and I told the woman that if this is indeed the case, I will return the vehicle. They have already messed up my finances and I cannot handle that much pushing. She said it is policy, and I indicated that policy will get the vehicle back in their lot in hard financial times. I then hung up. Yeah, grumpy, I think that might be it. But I just cannot stand this touchy push stuff. I was set to return the vehicle today, in my mind, but I had a dental appointment and some other things to do first. And, I had reconsidered. I think I will call my dealership and ask them to make sure what I was hearing was correct and seeing if they would like to mediate rather than have another vehicle sitting there rotting. It is amazing what happens when other people find that their fingers are in the same mouse trap mine are in, too.

One thing I am sure of is that whatever else, I really want to find a way to keep my home kempt. I am not good at this. I can be lost from or to flesh, or as I have suggested before accidentally transcendental, for long periods of time. I only live here part time. Perhaps like the necromongers in the movies, or Hera’s daughter, living in the lands of the flesh only partly, or sometimes. Where I go I cannot be sure. Even things of flesh, like mechanical devices, can be excessively confusing to me at times. From what I know of Zen, I imagine the perfection of that philosophy. Things of flesh are almost abysmal to me then. I cannot seem to understand touch, texture, or even pain. I sense them, might even intellectually understand, but I cannot seem to connect with them. Still, I love cleanliness. I enjoy a maintained home. Oh, I will always need a clutter room, my room. But the rest of the home will, somehow, be maintained. I will figure it out, I think

I am slowly trying to catch you all up on my life, and helping myself by creating order to the recent seeming lost times. By writing, I cement the reality and am more able to plan the near future and create even longer term plans. Writing is powerful for me. Words, even spoken but more written, have a connection with what is. They lead to real creation, development, and develop the true future. Try it, some time, if you do not do so already. Be well.