Beat.

.
.
A hard life.  I did find the paperwork.  It is now a matter of filling it and returning it.  I had held off, hoping for medical.  I got some of that but fell through on a final visit, with primary care.  Hopefully a few specialists to be consulted from there.  I am in some trouble, sorting out medicine.  It isn't helping, but will.  No more attempts at higher doses.

I didn't get the ducks twice yesterday, but will today.  Already got them as I am about to crash.  I will get the girls too, and their litter.  Blood sugar isn't as good as it's best, but is improving.  I'm working on it, mostly needing to eat better.  Always something.  Then again, I am absolutely certain they... my continued life baffles them.

Some of them find joy in it, others don't understand why I don't commit suicide.  They know I am in beyond terrible shape.  Numb is as good as it gets, and that isn't living.  As I have learned I tell them.  God's will, not mine.  Never was, if at once I thought so.  The horror that is my life, the humility it offers, are the greatest gifts I will ever receive.  Most of the time I see it.

I took a nap last night.  Or partial sleep?  I have no idea how long, or even roughly when it started or stopped.  Only that it was dark.  It didn't allow for a rested feeling, it simply was required.  Perhaps it will help rest today.  Always tired lately.  Way too tired to even think.  Waves of exhalation.  Can exhaustion kill?

I'd best feed the girls, get the trash out, and have a spot of tea and insulin so I can tuck in shortly.  A cooler day.  At 15° F, there is that.  But there is something else to it.  Good night and day .