What a wuss?

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No sleep until sometime this morning. And I never really could sleep deeply. The heat isn't cloying and choking, bitter and blistering. It is simply 'there'. I am, oddly, finally relatively comfortable in it, if too I cannot really sleep when I want. Then again, and as well, when I do sleep it is refreshing rather than restive. I only complain about not being able to fall asleep on my schedule and needing cat naps more often either because of the sleep disruption or the sapping of strength the heat causes. Yeah, a wuss perhaps. But never mind, suffering isn't all that bad of a thing to be honest, and this is suffering of the cream puff varietal.

I received a call today, and almost didn't answer it. I was still in my near sleep state. The phone usually wakes me, if my sleep is solid and has been on schedule. Otherwise, like now, the ringing of the phone can seem unreal or distant and sometimes it simply can't be heard. I have an appointment next Friday with one of the Fathers. It only took two years. I guess that beats the ten years it took me to drag my carcass into the Church in the first place. He likes mornings so I opted for a solid morning slot. I will just be there, like I am to the doctor. I would far rather save my soul than my flesh, I'll tell you that right now. Doing both might be a bit better. Well, you can't really save your flesh. You can only tend it and only within reason. You, too, can't save your soul. Someone has already done that, all you have to do is figure out what accepting that salvation means. Never mind.

Something I just saw being argued struck a particular cord. The notion that suffering is not just a curse that accompanies salvation, a thing to bear or gift to God as one's perhaps only tithe, or some other simpler notions. While those are quite good, in their own rights, and to degrees, I think the speaker quite well put another, perhaps THE real reason, for suffering. Suffering, as he saw it, was a means of knowing pain, so that when we see it in others we react to it. It is a call to do God's work, right here, in our lives, in our times. Beautiful. Yes.

The next time someone asks me how God can allow such suffering, I will merely, before going on to explain more, ask how God could NOT allow such suffering. Why would God put an end to such things, while also suggesting that it isn't God who creates it, He merely allows us to choose it. Oh yes, I think that was a missing piece in my puzzle. I know great suffering, of many kinds. And I think, now that I see it, that pain has been a calling. If too I am having to stumble over it to get to what it calls me toward. It's almost funny, when seen that way. Again, never mind. I certainly have my own weird little way of seeing things and a darker humor than many.

Well, on to something. It is, again, a bit warm for jumping and shouting. As things cool, and since I am doing better, if I have any strength remaining from the heat I hope to use today to get to some cleaning. My mother will be here in a few weeks and I want her trip to be more pleasant than full, for both of our sakes. I would like to take her on a short day trip or two, into the mountains. A picnic or two. I will do the potato salad if she will do the chicken. I will pay for the gas if she sets up the basket. It should be cool enough when she arrives to enjoy the world hereabouts. And I don't want her working so hard that she is too tired to want to go. And she likes to work hard. It will be a bit of a trick.

Have a great day. Say a little prayer for those who are too into their suffering to enjoy life (not me, by the way), for those who think they are too strong to need prayer, and for your enemies.