Evil and me.

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I keep having a strange notion. This notion indicates that if I simply let go I may see my worldly aims hit their mark. If I release my belief that there are right and wrong I may more freely roam the plains of success. Should I relinquish my understanding of sterling character I may find more friends. And should I give my ideals the slip I might easily find a relief from my pains. My successes would include a career and access to power, my new friends would cover my back while I do whatever I please, and I would no longer need to worry about the hurts that come from betrayal and the many wounds caused by powerful enemies who live outside of my worldview. Beyond, I know that I have been given all the gifts to rise to the top of the dark pile of human moral detritus. To be honest, I think I was born to that. Free will has a way of messing up the best laid plans of mice and demons.

I suppose what I am saying is, if I would just let go and do what my darker instincts suggest, I could have my way. I could have my way with women, I could have a pile of gold, and I could do pretty much anything I want. I am built strongly and smartly enough that I could take what I want and outthink and outmaneuver most, if not all opponents. If I joined others like me, life could be quite pleasurable. Why do I resist? It seems the more I resist, the more resistance I encounter. Whether the resistance is active, in people who know and wish for me to let go, or passively, in people who are drifting in life and who’s hands are evil but who also do not know or understand what they do, I face a formidable enemy who only wants to “get along” so long as I and others offer no resistance.

I remember as a very young pre-teen being offered a “joint”. I refused. I was attacked. I broke his nose in two places, barely getting off my butt to do so. Sure, his friend, a sophomore, came along and beat me down (no broken anything, happily), but I did not submit. I remember being offered a “train”. Not only would I not join, I first asked the woman if this was her wish and when assured she was in on it, I left before the thing left the station. I have been offered evil often. Though I have certainly failed some, no, many tests, there has been a line I have not crossed. I guess I am a prude. I like being a prude. I not only cannot tolerate that step over the line, I recoil from it. Even in those times where I walked, for my part, away from God, I could not walk there. I had walked, for my part, away from God because I thought some of those who claimed to be his people were participants in walking over the line (some where) and because I thought the world itself was so inherently evil that God must not exist, so worship was foolish. Though I still see many of those who claim to be His are false, I now see that is not Him or His will, only the power of His perfection to allow choice. No simple nuance there, only truth when one chooses lines of an objective nature and the truth of our failure therein. I was made to sin, and sin well. I have chosen otherwise.

You know what though? For a prude, I enjoy life so very much. If I am kept from my idea of success, with my God and an attempt to do His will, I cannot fail. If I am not able to find a wife and procreate in praise of His first real command, my life will not be lost and I will not die even then. Sin has never offered me satisfaction. From what I have seen, sin only satisfies itself into further sin so that in the end, those who “enjoy” sin are merely addicts and slaves to their wants, eaten up by the evil of the cycle. They enjoy what they do so little that many commit suicide and other more serious sins as a sign of how dissatisfied they are but which are offered up as “proof” of an enjoyable pleasurable life. They, most of them, know their hands are not their own. They know, by giving up, they have lost control. I pray for them, if I would kill one should he cross certain lines in front of me. And, I pray that God will have some sympathy on my lot and guide me. Should he decide to test me, after what he did on the cross, I must simply submit.

Just some thoughts.