Going through?

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I received a call from my broker today. There was a failure to upload, yesterday. The inspection report did not reach the V.A. lender. Calls have been made but nothing has been heard about whether the report has again been sent or whether the lender has received. Neither the inspector nor the loan agents are easy to find, unless of course they need something. I have another paper to sign, merely an extension to the agreement to buy. Is this the third, fourth, maybe fifth extension? I can not keep it all clear.

He did mention that a large part of the problem was working with the right, or in this case wrong, people. I have a very good idea who the wrong person was, but feel I should not say a whole lot at this point. I will say that walking into a house that is 150 years old, give or take, and expecting it to be brand new, is probably not a really good plan. Being anal retentive is neither good for one's health nor good for business. It all has to come out in the end, pun may or may not have been intended. However, one can always hope for appropriate measures which seem to occur naturally, no? I have it, the scoop as one might say, that the deal will go through as quickly as this Friday or be delayed as long as next Wednesday, depending on the financiers' speed in deciding.

I must admit, at this point, I am torn. Do I really want this? Is this the right thing at the right time? I am 70 percent in favor, 30 percent against, roughly. In the dead of night, or in times of doubt, it seems much closer, or even the reverse of the percentages given. But I know that is merely fear leaking out and spilling shadow on my thinking. Owning a home, the upkeep, the work that does need doing, the gardening I am planning, and all the rest is a huge responsibility. Oh, and keeping up the yard, the house generally, and appearances generally.

Am I ready? Of course not. No one is truly prepared to take command when it is there time. Can I become a good landowner and minor lord of the small plot being purchased? That is where fear creeps in. I think I can do a good deal of the work, organically or natively. But the details, the more protracted and complex tasks (like rebuilding the kitchen from floor to cupboards), and maintaining the yard (like planting trees to ready for replacement when the older trees begin dying), and such... I simply do not know. A wife, I can tell you, would help... and hurt. I would be able to do less directly but more in the reality of the coupling. Ackh!

So be it, what will be will be. I will simply do what I can and live with the consequences. There are no direct and right answers to these types of questions. There is only probability and speculation, doubt and fear, some joys and work. And so it goes, as do I, into the nether of thought. Silly, perhaps, but true.

Have a great day!

Additional thoughts:

If this does actually go through, though, I will be quite thankful to that ol' stick in the mud. So, never mind my terse words. Well, not completely... And, of course, conditionally. Bah!

Medical update.

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After half a dozen calls, some disconnects, ignorant operators, being passed around like a cheap bottle of wine by hobos, and a few people who had some kind of clue, I may have solved the $406 at time of billing a week ago as per the bill, but is now $550 dollar bill according to the woman I spoke to today, regarding the emergency visit. Uhrm, this was for 5, count them 5, stitches.

The V.A., who I called after having called the hospital's service line initially and been turned away from their automated system because neither my social security number nor the assigned account number were found in their system, sent me from office to office three times, dumping me at a message center which gave the number I was to call too quickly for me to catch. So, I called back and went through a myriad of phone centers to reach the office I had been told I was being connected with before the far too brief message was received and then being promptly disconnected. This time I spoke with a human. I asked her what the number was that I needed to call in my predicament. She gave it, then said I was already speaking with someone in that office. Okay.

So, I explain the situation and I am told that I have to report non-V.A. medical treatments immediately. But she listens as I explain that I did not know this and add the fact that the incident happened on weekend. She informs me that immediate means within 72 hours. Fine, now I know. I best keep that number on me, well, no, I will just leave it to the hospital to figure out, whatever. She looks through my file and can find no billing request from the hospital. She suggests I call them and have them submit the bill, which will be reviewed (at least paired, perhaps not accepted) by a nurse. Things did become more friendly when I said I was 100%, her files showed no previous billings like this, and her records showed something else... I heard a slight... change in her voice and her presentation to me after something specific but unmentioned, certainly after those things in total. She lightened and softened her voice and manner a good deal. Whatever.

So, I call the local hospital at which I was seen, this time I call the hospital itself and ask for billing. They do not have my social security number, they have the case filed as workman's compensation (in spite of it being a recreational firearm accident), they have nothing about a V.A. claim, they do not even have me listed as a veteran or with any connection to the V.A. in spite of my having filled out copious amounts of paperwork, them having taken photo copies of my V.A. disability card and driver's license, and having had to tell an initial interviewer secretary (guy, yuck), an initial medical screener, a second screaner, a man who did the work (a physician's assistant), an anesthesiologist, and the final reviewer of the work (a doctor I think), about my billing data and V.A. status. I guess incompetence is the new medical mode of the day.

In any case, it is between them to figure out at this point. I would be curious to know how it ends up, however I doubt I will ever be informed. My guess is the hospital is trying to stack the bill since it is the deep pockets of the government it is trying to pick, and the government in this case is already socialized medicine and so will decline the padding and probably some of the meat and give them an offer they cannot refuse... that of little or nothing. Call me a humble to entertain critter and leave off there. Let the monsters enjoy each others' throat and blood. I have popcorn and no skin in this game anymore otherwise. Oh, and the beauty, to me, to add, is that this medical network, as well, has socialized to some degree. Ha, state versus federal vampires. hahaha

No news, still.

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I called my broker yesterday afternoon. Nothing to report. I am never quite sure about what he says regarding inspections though. He said that the place had been inspected, and that to his knowledge, the inspection was successful. This having been a familiar and incorrect notice before, I initially took the thing with a grain of salt. Then he suggested that some sort of work remained, or had been done, though this too was not clear. When I started asking what, when, how, money, why... He said his brokerage and the seller's broker agreed to pay to have it done out of their pockets. Well, interesting, but... So I am not sure if this is done, if it is whether it has been inspected. If it is not completed, I know it will have to be inspected, so have they arranged for an inspection as soon after the work is done as possible or are they waiting for the work to be completed to call for an inspection?

Today is the day I am supposed to begin searching for an apartment! I have no choice but to go forward with that. I have two options here. First, I can simply find the least expensive place I can and crawl away to horde money. Though to be honest, I do not think it will matter. My guess is that if the finance companies and banks are in such trouble, and doubting the Federal government through the V.A. loan process, next year will not be good either. Once houses have dropped to a certain level, and they remain unsold, they are simply removed from the market through one financial mechanism or another in order to "create" value once again. As well, though many see deflationary flags, to my mind hyper-inflation is the beast to watch (though in truth, watching either one and ignoring the other would be a disaster in spite of the fact that once policies are in play for one, switching them over to protect the other would be so slow and clumsy as to more likely do more damage, fiscally, than doing nothing would be... although here the terms of the disaster may be mitigated over time if the initial damage might be greater in the short to mid-term of the thing). Well, that is my thinking anyway. My other apartment option is to hold out for a rent by the month place, usually dives, plan on taking this over again in the fall, and work it that way. Or, to go "camping" for the summer.

So, what I am saying is, I am not sure houses, loan packages, or any such thing will necessarily be available even by next year (let alone favorable ones, if the uncertainty that exists today passes for that). Further, after having done this much work with the V.A. mortgage center, I am not sure I ever want to work with them again. I really think they have been working to kill what they cannot legally deny since the whole operation began. I get this mental picture of drunken U.S.S.R. bureaucrats, who drink because they have a miserable job, doing harm which is technically illegal in spite of having been hired to do good, developing reason after reason, demand after demand, knowing in the end people have only so much time to pause their lives in pursuit of what was promised and which they swore to do. Beyond, they know that should the politburo change the course it is on, they could be tried for their unofficial ordered actions. What they are currently doing could land them in jail, or worse, bureaucracies being highly populist as they are. High crimes, high times... for another round of Vodka! The grind goes on.

I have been packing bits at a time, doing laundry, and feeling like a cat too far out on too thin a branch, far to high off the ground for any kind of safe landing. No worries, unlike a cat, I do not panic. Worse comes to worse, I will merely become homeless. And, to some degree, I am considering this anyway. I am not sure I will have time to close this deal before my allotted time here is done. So, if I cannot find a rent by month place in a reasonable fee bracket, I am strongly considering being homeless. Heck, if I like it, I may just keep it. I do have a tent and some minor gear. My auto can work as a temporary safe place for gear, if a weak one. Not a fun life, but preferable to year (and sometimes 2 year) contracts, missing out on a house, or some of the other options. So goes it.

Well, that is all for today. Or, now at least. I will tinker, hope the day warms enough that I may begin a bit of work, and begin looking for a place while hoping for a call. No, no, there is one more bit of information. It seems the V.A. is not paying, or has not paid for, my emergency room visit. I received a bill from the hospital yesterday. I will call them sometime today and let them know that this is between them and the V.A. If they razz me about it again, I will raise a stink or ignore them, at my leisure. If they try and damage my credit, I will sue.

Have a good one.

Hello, hello!

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A fine Sunday morning to you all. I hope you find some time to visit your house of worship, or should you not be of such an inclination through a variety of reasons, that you find time to enjoy this day in a pleasing, restful, kind way. This day was set aside by God, not just or even mostly for Him, but for us. Most of His rules and regulations, seen rightly, are much the same. In any case, I do hope you find some rest and a bit of peace this day.

As I said, next Sunday is my goal to be to church. Shoes need polished, a minor wardrobe needs set aside and prepared, and nerves need to be adjusted. And, of course but not of the lesser of important things, confession is to be performed. I do not fear as I used to, though make you no mistake, I do fear. The closer to the time, the more the fear. I do not fear God's rejection, only my complete understanding of my wayward manners. In there my sins become exposed to the light of day, of the light of Christ, and it is an ugly thing. But the release, the cleansing as it might or perhaps is called, is of such beauty. It is always difficult to see through that initial dark tunnel to the light though. It is a heavy chore. It just so happens to have such a beautiful ending that I believe in it.

My host and hostess are, indeed, kind people. We disagree on much, agree from time to time, and simply do not understand each other well enough to agree or disagree on some things. To my mind, however, we enjoy a quite friendly relationship. I certainly grant an honest respect for who they are, what they believe and understand, and that they have come to abide a world in the ways they feel necessary. Though they have some things tended, they have done so by diligence and care. They have tended their finances and lives so as to attend some greater hopes, and have done so quite well. And yet I find them, perhaps especially in their happy situation, to be merely (no slight here intended in even the most minor way) salt of the earth people. I hope that I continue to be a party to their dinner invitations for so long as they have them, and perhaps have them to my place or even out to dinner from time to time should the house I am hoping for not come through.

I have finished the novel I was reading. The ending, it is said, was a poor ending. To my mind, however, it was a good ending. I must admit I had, at times, hoped him to be arrested. Fie, but my anger, at times quite justified, lead me to the devil's hope. In any case, though I disagree thoroughly with almost every aspect of that book, I must admit that the writing is of exquisite form. Though it is not simple reading, it does not leave one confused in the least. I am torn as to whether read a few more of the author's earlier works or whether to read "The Idiot", by another Russian dissident type. Or, to be honest, to turn these anarchist manuals over to some library where some librarians can drool over them and find works more suitable to my mind and station. Bother but for the complications and considerations one must face in life!

Well, back to tinkering. I am rebuilding my browser bookmarks. I had quite a collection of places, faces, names and such. But the wiping of the memory has left me unsure what I had, where to go, what to get. Much of what I had was developed while need was more current. Others are business connections for paying bills and such. Others were purely personal. Thankfully, merely finding my blog has reunited me with most of my blog sites.

Bit by bit, as always, the tasks I pursue will find their place and time and be done or will drift away on a sea of empty promises. There is, after all, only so much a man can do, no matter how great or small he is. Sometimes I wonder that the littler man can do more as he is not defined or confined by the realities of "great men". Which, uhrm, leaves me wide open! *smiles*

Peace be with you.

No news.

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I have heard nothing about the house. I did get my bills paid this month, late as usual. However, I will endeavor to get these things automated no matter where I end up living. With a local account and most of my income coming here, SSDI checks are still AWOL, I may more surely arrange automatic payments. I have not started looking for an apartment, but I would be looking at places that would most likely be gone by the time I went to seriously inquire, so I do not see the point. I have picked up a large number of boxes and mean to have them filled and probably out of the house by Monday, except for a small selection of clothing, toiletries, and such.

What to do, when to do it, how to go about it. The fundamental question everyone is faced with every day, at times. At least until they get themselves into such a rut, debt, or other corner that they have no choice. I know people who like it that way. I am not one of them. Still, a house, and payments, and being tied down. Perhaps even a wife, then children. These things do not fit my life up to this point. And, of course, perhaps I am going astray. Yet, it is the foundation of all I have ever wanted. I know I am not ready, though I know no one can ever be ready. I also know if I do not do it soon none of it will be done. So, I do what I can.

Oddly, my hostess here, suggests I get off my duff and get to church. The one thing, from reading "Resurrection", that was good and which I discussed with her, was visiting prisoners on death row. As I told her, my intentions are not to preach, nor do I believe in their innocents, or any bleeding heart stuff. I merely wish to be there, perhaps to give them an opportunity to choose, to speak with them and be of service in manners that are reasonable, and to be a friend as I may. It is not something I look forward toward. Rewards be damned, I see it is work and trouble. And yet I feel called to it. God sort of gave me a choice, hospitals or prisons. I begged out of hospitals, I have been in them too often and have too many bad memories there, one hospital being no different in sooth than the next. So, He offered prisons. And, should the inmates I visit wish it, I will even be there for their execution. But, as she intimated, if I really want to do this and find a wife, the Church is my best bet. She is right... bother!

A few beers this morning. Well, it is actually my afternoon. Perhaps even my evening. A few beers and I am now quite tired. I may take a nap and, should I get up at a reasonable hour, go find my friend, go shooting, go shopping for a bit of soda (Splenda diet of course), and just kick around a bit. Who knows. Two beers? Sad what a right proper lush falls too from a bit of engineering school and a change of ways.

Have a great day! Hmm, church on Sunday? Not quite yet. My available clothing is a bit rough and I need to go to confession first as well. I will be working on those things this weekend, lining up the times for confession and the Church schedule otherwise. Yes, do have a great week! Think of that, pushed to Church by an avowed atheist. God, indeed, works in mysterious ways. I AM ashamed, if I see no end to the humor of the thing as well.

While the machine was down, reading was left to me.

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Therefore reading was what I did. I have number of books on my list, some of those in my possession in a manner so as to lay my hands upon the novels easily. I have read many of the classics, and wished to continue doing so. Of the books available, I picked "Heart of Darkness" as my first read. Not so much because it is what "Apocalypse Now" was based on if I liked the show before dots became connected and I understood the farce from whence the movie came. No, it was on my list as a lad and I had simply never arrived at the point in which it was read. Next was a continuation of my reading of Tolstoy in the form of "Resurrection". I have read the former and I am nearly finished with the latter.

To my mind, understandings, and sentiments, "The Heart of Darkness" ("A Heart of... "Heart of... whatever), was a fine read. I clearly understood both the narrator and the subject, in finality if not always particularly or specifically. The book is not always very clear, or I should say the narrator is not always clear, well actually they can both be quite vague. There are points missed, as well, due to the differences in language from English to American English, the time in which the novel was written, and other factors. Still, I think I came away with a rather clear understanding, sometimes quite in spite of what was written but because of a sense of how the written material was arranged so as to lead one past the vague and into the light of understanding.

I enjoyed the book, if far too short, immensely. The story is good, as per the telling. It is engaging if not simple, light, or kind in a fashion. What is portrayed are not the happiest realities of man, but often the darker images of mankind. From the subject character to the little corporate bureaucrats, to what happens when nothing happens. I found the author to have seen and responded to the real world in a real way using the device that is fiction. I would highly recommend this book to serious readers.

As to Tolstoy, having read two of his more famous novels, if in my youth, I am torn. I understand, much more fully now, why I was initially a socialist. My readings of "liberal" writers such as this must have fomented such drivel in my youth and while quite tender, naive, and impressionable. Should I have never read in as straightforward a manner history as I read these, I should be an academic today, with flighty foolish notions which mean nothing, cannot work, and are childish to the core. This book has been and will continue to be painful to read. Thankfully I became better educated before I acted upon any of the impulses of the socialist cast. I may be embarrassed purely for having been duped in my ignorance.

The book covers the whole of the atheist, socialist, and other sentimental notions which, today, seems to have infected politicians world wide. The notion of equality, the idea that the system must fail or be crushed in order that something better should arise, and many other such follies. However, even a simple reading of this anarchist's manual will reveal the horrid disconnect from reality, logic, and such. I honestly think Tolstoy believed in this drivel fully. Unfortunately, to my mind, he died before he got to be a victim of the machination he and his like minded "high minded" kindred unleashed on the world in such a murderous fashion. I wish he had lived to see what he wanted, the royalty, rich, bureaucratic, and powerful tumble to be replaced by far worse. And further, to watch the retched poor he said he so loved driven further into the dirt and trampled even more and by the very ones he worked with and trusted in order to bring about such a dismal reality that became the U.S.S.R.

However, in reading this stupid thing, I am able to slowly develop both my dislike in the thoughts in an ordered manner and to intellectualize my disdain for this thinking in bits and then on the whole, over the course of imbibing the poison pages. And so it is nearly done. Some of my thinking follows.

Today, his kindred, in large part, are heavily counted among the dissatisfied children of the rich, criminals, and academics (which I term, now, academic nobility). These are people who have, often, never worked honestly a day in their lives. Reading is a frivolity, and though I do it, I do not say it is anything but a frivolity. Even research is merely a pleasurable thing to those who do it. I would say my gaming is little different and about as effective in the end. Well, okay, I do allow a good deal of latitude in this manner for engineering, however, engineers actually produce results that must fit real world criteria.

I also see the same demand in his book by himself and his kindred as I see amongst those described above to intrude on everyone else and force by hook, crook, gun, or whatever else is at hand, their foolish notions. It amazes me to see these people are no different today, having survived the atrocities of a most recent history, most of them having thrived outside of such. But their collective push to overthrow what is good for what has never been but once that I have recollection (namely the U.S. Revolution) a greater good still baffles me. It is a form of insanity.

As to the rest of us. Sure, we are fools and foolish. Certainly our beliefs can and are questioned and doubted. However, we do not attempt to impose insane human thinking on the rest, merely, for the most part, to be left alone to our own devices by which we muddle along in life. I claim to see no better than the next man, and sometimes will advise that I can see far less. And yet, rather than turning to other men (who we all, "liberals" included, deride as fools) either singly or collectively, I turn to an objective proposition, which for me is God. What do they do, after clambering about the fools in power and the foolishness of power? Why, they want MORE!

Ugh. But what can be said for childish, idealistic, failures except that they have no choice and must demand what they are become the norm or they must face the fact of what and who they are. This brings anger at them, indignation toward their notions, but it finalizes in a deep and foreboding sadness. For as I am doomed forever, I have hope. They have nothing, and less I should think. Thus the need for power, insults, irrational behavior, chaos, nihilism, atheism (which really is agnosticism, since I get most atheists to finally admit that they can neither prove or disprove God so they simply do not know but reject anyway). Bah!

I will finish this book and then never read the fools work again.

Are we there yeti?

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More paperwork, twice. The V.A. Mortgage Center wanted not just the 6 months checks for rent, but the full 12 months. That is in the works. I called my bank in Iowa, the customer service rep sent the work order to another department to be filled and faxed to the V.A. service center in 1 to 3 business days. Then, since this has apparently taken too long, they wanted my most recent 30 day transaction sheet from my bank (now two banks). The one from Iowa was easy, as I have online access. The bank in Utah is proving difficult. First I received a print out of my last 31 days of transactions, which simply was not enough for them. So, I went and got my last two months records, reprints of what they send (and what I am not receiving). My broker noted that one is not for a full 30 or 31 days and the other did not print completely. I will do no more on that account, they either accept it or do not accept it. Then I needed another version of a letter I had mailed to them previously that they either lost or thought not useful. Plus... More stuff.

I have let my broker know that I am done with paperwork. Not even a signature will I go in, give, and have faxed. That is it. I am about to call the V.A. consultant and suggest the same. Further, if this is not in underwriting by next Wednesday, the deal is off. I do not care what the reason is. I do not care if a tornado knocks out the fax half way through, I do not care if a paperclip is missing, and I do not care if they need a signature, blank piece of paper, or bubble gum. I am done on this deal.

The structural engineer was in today and signed off on the house into all of the places he is now able to access. Another two inspections were also supposed to be completed today, of which I have heard nothing in spite of requesting they keep me informed and for whatever reason have not been informed. All work, supposedly, is actually done. If I do not have the news I need by Wednesday, I will find an apartment.

The owners here have had enough. They do appreciate that I attempt to stay out of their affairs, way, and all. But that is not enough. I am getting strong feedback that staying until the 1st is fine (it is not) and that they will keep their agreement (which they would, but not without continued and growing protest). Fair enough, I want out as much as they. So, I will begin my search for a place over this weekend.

Why have you not heard from me? Why indeed. My computer, or other computer, broke down. It has been in the shop the last few days. On the good side, it runs like tops now, the software issues have been fixed, and all is good. It set me back $169, but that includes a new virus protection system, working hardware (it was a power supply issue), and an updated and slightly tweaked operating system. First it was a lot cheaper than a new machine, second I did not lose all data with two harddrives, and lastly it was needed for a thousand and one reasons anyway.

My sleep has been hit and miss. I am sleeping the third shift, sort of. From 14:00~17:00 until 0:00~2:00 Usually in the shorter of periods. I have and continue to push to get purely to days but that simply is not working. I can miss a day of sleep but I either simply continue that cycle, or bounce around trying to figure out how to stay awake or asleep and then fall back into the old cycle after all again. So, for now, I will stick with my sleep cycle as it is still mostly productive. Much more so than bouncing around and not even knowing what day it is or... anything and not being able to think until I get enough sleep (and yet not too much). Ugh, but such is my simple harmless life. Which, after all, is not horrid, extremely painful, or fruitless (completely).

Back in the saddle, internet wise. I will have to rebuild my internet bookmarks, rearrange some data that was saved, and figure some other things out. All in a days work. I guess I have become accustomed to messes and straightening those out, then cycling that way in more major or minor ways by now. As I said, such is my lot.

Oh, chest pains. A low dull throb, once in a while, more often now and growing. Heartburn? Heart condition? I neither know nor will do a thing about it at this time. I can trust the V.A. medical about as much as I can trust the V.A. financing. Which, if you have no clue, means that I cannot. They are fail. I think they should accept my 4-F, and not just as an honor. They deserve it far more than I do.

Good Day.

The IRS, V.A. Home Mortgage, and all.

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43?

I think not. I was not able to wake up today until after 13:00, in spite of having gone to bed at no later than 1:00, probably closer to midnight. And, yes, I set my alarm, for 8:00. I do not remember my alarm having gone off, oddly, either. This is actually unusual, so I wonder if I messed up setting it or turning the alarm part on. I will check in a bit.

After rising, I had a bad headache, so I took some Tylenol and tinkered until I could get past that enough to process data. At about 14:00, I called the IRS. An answering machine, of course. I left the information they asked for and a brief message. About that time the people who own this house came in from wherever with the mail. In the mail was more paperwork from the V.A. lender or handlers, or... whatever they technically are. More papers to read and sign, with a note indicating what was needed to be returned. I signed and dated where indicated throughout the pile of paperwork. I grabbed that and the IRS packet and headed into my broker's office.

He was not sure about any of this either, so he called the V.A. handlers. They needed nothing signed and returned from the packet they had sent me and they have already received the information packet from the IRS that they need, so... I have done everything on my end and my weekend worry was for nothing. At this point, to the best of my knowledge, all that is left is a final inspection. And everything, to my knowledge, is completed for the inspection. At least nothing of mine is holding things up.

As it sits, once the inspection is completed and assuming the completion of that is in the positive, the loan package will be sent to underwriting, which will then begin processing the loan. If that is successful, within 48 and 72 hours later, we can close the deal. I must admit, if one more thing gets in the way, I will have to either add some demands (for the efficiency aspect of the loan) or back out. Or, heck, why not both. As foolishly as this thing has gone at times, why not! Well, maybe not, but it has been a bother. All will be forgotten in time, or to some degree.

And to think that my problems with the world were simply that. No, the world is complicated, messy, unsure, problematic, and tiring. My take on life is pretty accurate. It is not merely my situations, many understand this and live in it. Perhaps more so for those of us who believe there is a right and wrong way to do things. This leaves out, often, expedient methods (such as lying, cheating, ignoring responsibilities, etc). Yes, life is a bit more difficult without cutting corners. The only reason for not cutting corners (too drastically anyway) is if there really is a God and heaven is something that is considered a positive to attain. Otherwise, whatever goes works. Oh, well, and those of us who, beyond our belief in God, like things done properly, legally, socially acceptably, and cleanly.

Sunday, a day of rest.

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I have been, and usually do, feel guilty about not being in Church on Sunday. I am working up the nerve to go in. Being more settled would help, though perhaps just figuring out where I will be could be enough to see me back in the pew. It has been too long and it is nearing the time for me to return. I have it on good account that this Church is not as the other, but from an outsider. I suppose the only way I will know with any certainty is to go.

Today, for me, is not going to be a day of rest. Shooting in the early afternoon, then a barbecue. I have been put in charge of the liquid refreshments. Or, a type of it, if the weather cooperates. It is supposed to warm into the mid 70's today. If it is going to do that, though, it had best hurry. It is rather chill as I write. Cold drinks on a chilly day will not fly and I will have no task left to me!

As I said, I have looked over the paperwork the IRS sent. They want me to give them my last known (to them) address on record, which to the best of my knowledge, was when I was in the Navy. Further, it was probably before I was hospitalized, which would mean it was some mobile command. I would guess a submarine crew, but I would not even be certain if that was when the command was "at sea" or when it was stateside. No, I will have to call the number, or one of the 3, and try to get them to understand. If somehow it was an address after the Navy, well, I have lived in... 12 or more places (cities, more than that number of physical addresses) since then. I have no idea what their address of record might be. Further, if I had used my mother's address, she moved twice when I was in the service and 2 or 3 times since. Can they not take the V.A.'s word that I am me? Ugh.

Oh, yes, an off topic minor thing. My old two blade razor was on it's last legs. The handle would not take new razor heads well, the clasping strength of the device was failing. Now, I did not want disposables, or wholly disposable razors. I have found them to be totally inadequate and a large waste as well. So, I looked for the two headed razor I was using or one like it. I looked to no avail. I finally settled on a 3 head razor, and I felt certain I was being ripped off by a gimmick. I was wrong. The thing shaved through the beard which was nearly fully formed due to my lack of shaving cream and weak memory. It was a fantastic shave. I usually burn my face, especially with this much facefur, but not this time. Close, smooth, comfortable, and as I thought about it rather inexpensive. I think my two bladed razor cost more when I first purchased it, as did the blades. So, if you are on the fence about a three blade razor, get off the fence and on the ball! You will not regret it.

Have a great day:)

A refugee?

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Perhaps not in the most literal of ways, though if a looseness of meaning or a more simplistic approach is taken that is what I am. I have been floating about for a year now, with only some hopes, a little money, some income, and the favor of those around me to get me to this point. Everything I have is fluid around me or situated so that I may not obtain most of what I have. My income is tied up in things that are intangible at the moment. I am lost while knowing right where I am.

Still, it is better to be a refugee in the right company than to be a solid standing citizen amongst beasts. Yes, this is where I needed to go and be. Even if I continue to be a transient for a while, even a long time, it is the company a man keeps that will sustain or diminish him. One's own company becomes stale and dated swiftly. Not even I believe everything I say, so spreading it around will...? Caught myself there. See what I mean?

I received paperwork that needs filling out from the IRS. Apparently the form I was sent was the wrong one or simply not enough. I will be looking it over today and doing what I can with it. I will then take it in to my broker Monday. Hopefully we can simply fax it to them. Though as bad as they are being, I am not sure that will work either. They do not like people out of their system of control and power. It unnerves them or something.

I have plans to go out shooting today. The first since my little scrub with becoming wounded. My hand has, pretty much, completely healed. I think I left the stitches in a might long. The skin puffed up and just got weird. Perhaps though, that was just part of the healing process. In any case, I removed the stitches myself. It did sting, so I know my lack of feeling pain was not due to a lack of nerves in the area. After shooting, my guests are hosting a dinner. A barbecue of some sort. They had hosted meals before they left, and are continuing to do so. I hope they continue to invite me once I move. And, I hope to host a meal or two a month as well. It is, simply, fun and good to have people to dine with, to socialize, and to discuss various topics. Especially as varied on the different subjects as we all seem to be. Civil disagreement in genial discussion is very pleasant.

Well, doing what I may as a disabled man, hopefully an intelligent man, in a world I cannot quite yet claim to own or technically be a part of is not ending up to be a difficult thing. I am even working on becoming a member of the local society and a homeowner, or trying. It is surprisingly easy in the right environment, with the right attitude.

Oh, I looked over the paper the IRS sent. They want my last recorded address in order to both verify who I am and then update my address for their records. The last time I paid taxes I was in the Navy, somewhere. What the... I am calling the number provided, and then taking these other forms in with me to my broker after the call. I will speak to whoever, their supervisor, and who ever else I need to speak with. I am starting to think this is simple harassment and am not pleased about it.

How to get day and night rearranged?

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I am attempting to change my nights into days, or virtually, the reverse. I have been sleeping days and that is inconvenient. Not only with the homeowners home, but with the house hopefully on the verge of closing. Taking possession, moving in, and setting up do not require daylight living. Setting up utilities, arranging other business transactions, and getting help do require a day life. As well, and beyond those things, is my long time effort to make day time my awake time. Wrestling with this has never been fun or easy. I do not know how normals do it, I would buy that if I could, or rent it from them if allowed.

Not much else for today. I just wait and wonder. I have some idea that the waiting and wondering is not helping my sleep. I will figure it out, or at least well enough, soon enough.

Have a good day:)

Good, bad, and paranoid?

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I found the roll and one of the cans of tobacco. It was my deal. My mistake. And, I am happy with that. I had asked them this morning about it, and by how they answered, I easily believed them. I just happened to look out onto the patio and saw it. Then I remembered I had helped move something out there, quite out of my usual routine, and had left the items there after the task was complete. I do feel bad, however, I have had some history with certain behaviors from people with a particular political notion. My mistake.

The house is set to close the 19th. Will it happen? I had been told that the inspection was done. I have now been told it has not been done. I understand the misunderstandings, they have plagued this deal from the beginning. It has been almost too much to track. I gave up trying some time ago. Every requirement met has brought about more requirements or refinements which add to the requirements. That is, well, the good. I think.

The bad is that the new furnace and ac will not be a part of the package. What I had been asked for was a quote and an estimate of savings. Between the owners not giving me copies of their utilities and the installers only giving partial information, one of them even excluding potential efficiency differences, I was already in a troubled area. Beyond that, and to my knowledge, a new requirement for the efficiency loan expansion, was an efficiency audit. That, according to the utility company, would not be done until the 20th. Which means nothing would go to the underwriters until that information was supplied. Which would add another week, at least (depending on how fast they got that in and how fast it was processed), to the closing date.

As to adding that package to the loan later, that would require a renegotion of the whole loan and a new loan taken out. Who knows how much that would cost, if it is possible, and how long it would take. As well, who knows how complex that would be and it would be without anyone else to help, guide, and try and keep the thing on track. It looks like I will be using, assuming I still get it, a large chunk of the $8,000 incentive toward a furnace and ac. I will use whatever remains toward the house. Furniture, water softener, reverse osmosis water system, washer and dryer, or whatever else I had been considering will simply have to wait until my cash funds can cover those needs. In the long run I am probably better off. In the short term, it will be a scramble to cover some of those (particularly the washer and dryer). Perhaps a good washer, and air drying until this fall when I can by a matching dryer? Yes, very possibly, that will be the way of it.

The good, the bad, the paranoid... just another typical day in the life of Doom. But, it's a good one in any case. The sun is shining. I have stayed up until after 14:00 in my move to make days my official operating time. The rest will just have to happen or not.

Have a good day yourselves!

At home.

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Lots of discussions about different things. They believe in evolution, they are atheist (one more actively, one more passively), they believe in the government (but not in people somehow) which also goes for science and scientists. I believe in little, less in men and flesh and science, not even necessarily in those who proclaim religion. I do believe in God, the bible rather much, and a few precepts bio-mechanically which modern science is probably based upon. Though in truth, science was created by religion and the military, both of which are eschewed by modern academics.

Debates require agreed upon terms, rules, and such. We do not truly debate. We take turns at the podium, give or take, and question the notions we oppose or attack those notions. I less attack or question than state how I see things. Debate is, to my mind, worthless. I have studied what I need to study, worked toward knowing what I think is important, and ignore the rest and pretty much set aside my studies once completed. I think they would really like me to believe what they believe, or not believe what I do believe. I, for my part, do not care if they believe cheese is actually soft gold, or that the moon is really the sun in disguise.

Now, when I hear things that do not make sense, I do query. If one does not believe in men, what they say or do, then how could one believe in a collection of men's work or government? If one believes in equality, then how can one believe in quotas? If one believes there is no God, that is one thing. But to say that science does not require just as much faith is not being honest or it is an ignorance that should be tended. Just because one has studied what other men say does not mean one understands or even that what one has come to believe is therefore true. That, simply put, is indoctrination.

My chew went missing the other day. So, today, I went out and bought a roll of tins and a separate can, a new kind to try. Both the roll and the single can went missing. I went and bought another can, which I will keep close. I am not sure if passive aggressive behavior is in play, but it would not be the first time. It is what I have come to expect from those who cannot cover for the holes in their theories or beliefs, and only because while being questioned or teased about my beliefs, I offer up the reasons for and the reasons against our disparate positions. My lady friend, several family members (to include my Mother), and others have this sort of behavior phenomenon. When they cannot debate or hold their ground, they continue on as if it is all good and then do little things, potentially expensive things, and what they perceive to be costly things (to me). Playing with my head, or attempting to do so, as a means of retribution for having weak arguments or simply understanding they have no leg to stand on in the naked light.

I actually do not defend religion as a logical thing, though I do claim science has no more claim than religion. I do realize that between education, indoctrination, choices, our inability to know much let alone to know all, our emotional states, and our physical and mental limitations, we are not a fundamentally reasonable creature. We have more in play than what we consciously know. We buy into things for our own reasons, or buy out of them. However, and we have not gotten to this point in the discussions yet, my ace in the hole is simple. Does evil exist? If they think so, then their must, by physics and almost every science of which I am aware, be an opposition. If nothing is evil, then nothing is wrong, and we can all go our merry way. Why, then, the need to try and enforce social codes, government actions, or anything? If there is no evil then nothing needs to be done, period.

Oh, I did sink Al "Internet" Gore though. I suggested, first, that he has made well over a hundred million dollars on his false science. They suggested it was not false, and I suggested that if it were not false, he would not be spending $24,000 dollars a month on "utilities" (at just one of his mansions), and spilling untold amounts of CO2 about the planet jetting around to wherever would pay him a little more (and windshield time and expense). Bah! Why I bother I do not know. They are no more logical about their beliefs then the best of the worst of religionists. Go figure, but I have known this forever.

Still, it passes time, has remained civil, and if I find my chew in a place I did not look, then whatever. Or, perhaps, it has simply been moved and they told me and I did not hear (it happens). I will see in the morning.

Tomorrow is another day at the office. I will first contact my V.A. financial worker and discuss the efficiency aspect of the loan (which they say can happen after closing but which I doubt, and even if true, I doubt there would be any real effort put into it). Like I said, even with new vehicle salesman, no matter what they promise you before getting your name on the line and you out the door, unless it is written in stone, even then only maybe, it is probably worthless. That is how I am viewing this new furnace and air conditioning aspect of the loan. If it does not happen now, it will not happen the day after the loan is completed. I do not see how it is possible. But, that is tomorrow.

Good night.

A close by the end of the week sounds possible.

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My broker came by today. I had planned to visit his office, however, he beat me to the punch. I did not wake until 14:30 or so, and was not moving fast then, so beating me off the line was not exactly a heralded event. I signed the form I thought I was going to have to track down myself, and my brokerage is sending that to the appropriated government agency which will complete the tasks, probably, it requires and pass the form the form frees to the agency in primary need for... Argh!1!!!!1134!@ Whatever. Enough. But I think that was the last one. All that remains is a final inspection after all the work has been completed. My broker believes the end of the week will see this done.

A couple of fried ham and cheese sandwiches were needed after my visit. Though the cheese I bought, what I had thought (and was packaged as) chipotla (sp?) cheddar, was horrid. It tasted like American cheese, or as cheese makers actually tried to get it mandated to be called, embalmed cheese (traditional cheese makers really did try to force that name on processed cheeses). The last cheddar cheese slices (this time just plain cheddar) tasted like this as well. I need to find good sliced cheese or a decent block of cheddar and a process by which I can slice my own in small batches while still storing the larger chunk longer term. Blathering, still not awake, but there it is. Just in case you wanted to know what was on my mind.

What else is going on I have no idea. Oh, I need to talk with someone at the local Verizon store. Someone has stolen my old phone or simply my phone number. It is being used for text messaging, phone calls, and has caused problems. I have known about this, if not the extent, for a bit, but I have been busy with business or busy hiding from business, and this is my first real opportunity to begin tending these side issues. I may be contacting a lawyer regarding this. On this matter I might well sue. Especially if it ends up that my phone walked out without being deprogrammed or if I believe any other shenanigans took place.

Well, tha, tha, that's all folks! Bidaba, bidaba, bidaba, good day!

Good, I think this will work.

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The owners are home and I think they were, for the most part, satisfied with my efforts. The lady of the house had a few issues with the kitchen. She prefers her counter spaces open and completely uncluttered. She did most of the work, though I loaned what efforts I could toward that goal. The rest of the place, to my knowledge, passed muster. What a relief.

As well, I was not sure about time here and how to work things. They had probably discussed this on the return and have a pretty good plan. First, the living situation is rather open. Coming and going is not a difficulty, nor is my odd schedule a problem. I may keep my hours, and usual affairs. However, for my part and own good to boot, I will maintain as slim and quiet of a profile as I may. My one thing is cooking. I will do this but I will also have to be more kempt in that affair. I think they will enjoy some of the foods I prepare and will be welcome to any meal. All are welcome and invited guests to my meals, that is just how that goes. I think I got that from my mother. A good woman to be sure. Next is timing. I was not sure how long they would willing allow an intruder in their domain. They also had a plan for that. The suggestion is that if by the end of the month the deal has not gone through, it is time for me to find another place. That is perfect and gives me enough room and a reasonable window to maneuver. I had some ideas, but this is not my house. The offer is generous.

I did leave for a bit, ostensibly to visit my friend. This I did do, however, my real motive was to allow them alone time to get settled, look over the place in my absence, and readjust as they saw fit. And, a little, to shake the nerves about the experience and get out myself. All good. I also took another load to the storage unit. I took one last night, if a little too late for a second trip. But I loaded the vehicle in preparation for another delivery when I returned from last night's trip. We went out to supper, and of course had breakfast. I love all day breakfasts! Then we drove by what may become my new house. It looks like the painting has been completed. It looked like nobody was home. They have two vehicles, neither of which have I ever seen in the garage, and neither of which was in the drive. The lights were off as well, all of them. But the curtains are still up and their cat (owner?) was there, looking out the window.

Tomorrow I get to visit my broker and finish the last pieces of an epic run to home ownership. We will see what we will see. I think everyone has had their doubts, their grumps, their failures, and their successes. It really did take a team to get this going. Successful or not, I would suggest that all, including the V.A. people, did precisely what they were supposed to do. I did my part too. As with, say, a basket ball team, even if everyone does everything they should and could, only one team wins. So too with this. Win or lose, we played the game and hard.

I was pleased to hear the owners of this house suggest that a good side to the house sale not going through is that they would have someone reliable, someone they trust, to live in their house again this winter. And, to be honest, that does not sound bad. I would find a summer rental and figure things out from there. It was nice to hear that they never had a worry about this place because I was here. That DOES say something. These are solid folk. Strange, academic, experienced in the world, propertied beyond their home, and practical in many ways. Yes, I will take that as a compliment.

Well, back to gaming. I am going to enjoy some relaxation time (as much as that is as deep into the inner working of the game as I have 'fallen'). But I love it and it does keep me active, on my toes, thinking, and learning. Cannot knock that. Oh, and it keeps me awake!

Have a great night, morning, or wherever in your day this finds you.

I have done what I could.

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They are set to be home shortly. I am bushed, but told them I would wait up for them. They said there would be no need, that they would be quiet and plan on doing some visiting anyway. I suggested they could tromp around like elephants, I would sleep right through that. Ha! And it is true.

I did pretty much everything I intended to do. Perhaps not perfectly, perhaps not as someone else would have done those things. But I am satisfied that I have done what I am able to do, about what I can see, in the time I had. Still being here was quite a surprise, so adjusting to a changed schedule while figuring out what to do with the time, and having no place to move what I needed to move, all really put a crimp in my planned escape.

I have heard that the situation with the house might work. No details were relayed, and as a phone message I could not ask questions. I am done for the day, so following up on some things they want done (the tax form(s)?), digging into what the message eluded to by calling back, or such, are just not in the plans. I have nothing left. But I am satisfied. Tomorrow will work almost as good as today, further, tomorrow is all I have. There is no more today.

On that note, good day, night, morning, afternoon... ugh... Night night!

Nearly done.

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Nothing is perfect, there is still work to be done, and even when I am finished there is more. I am discussing the preparations for the return of the owners of this house I am staying in. They are returning, to the best of my knowledge, today. I have been sniping the various tasks on a very long list of tasks. Bit by bit, one at a time usually, and over time, I have done most of what I wanted to do. There remain a few jobs which I will be completing before going to sleep. Oh, and I should leave a note so that should they return in my sleep cycle, they will have some options.

I purchased a few gifts for them, replaced an item or two, and of course I have been trying to get the house in presentable shape. I will not win awards on that last, though perhaps they will not be in shock (or at least not in the bad (or worst) way). I am trying to do a little extra for a number of reasons, to include that we will be sharing a house for a while, their house with their rules. It is complicated. I am, well, not kempt in my general ways. I like to clean up from time to time, but my... how to put it... tolerances on the day to day are rather loose. I am not able to overcome that, so it will be interesting. Perhaps if I contain my messes to a few localized areas, it will not gain as much... attention.

In any case, tomorrow is their return date. I will have done most of what I needed and wanted to complete by this time (surprise surprise!). After that, it is all up in the air all over again. If I rise in a reasonable hour tomorrow, I will begin figuring out where to find the form I need to file to have the form sent to the people who will use the form for... something. None of my affair, I suppose. Still, I think most people in this effort have been doing what they can and must. Everyone is scrambling for the goal and their own goals. Those goals, quite by the nature of things, are contrary. My broker, for example, is playing on the needs and wants of the seller, as well as mine. I am playing the brokers against each other, against the seller, and against costs, the price, and the underwriter's notions. The seller has his own situation. It is confrontational, selfish, harsh, and difficult. And, really, that is how it is supposed to be. It is not a flaw in the works, at least in a fallen world, perhaps even in a perfected world the haggle will prove necessity which will grant access? Who knows.

I remember when my brother wanted something of mine. I knew him to always be shy of money, so money was important to him. I also knew that he wanted everything I had. So, to distinguish real want from fake, I would ask for money if he said he really wanted something of mine. If he saved, I knew he was earnest. I would check the progress. Not ever time, otherwise he would have learned the trick and just abused it, I would give it too him when he got to the half way mark of savings (over a couple of weeks of allowance), or sell it to him at half what I had suggested. I like to think, now, that this is a part of all sales... How badly do you really want something? Are you willing to work? Are you willing to do a bunch of useless paperwork, are you able to complete the paperwork? Do you have the money? So be it.

Well, back to work. I have been tinkering as well. A bit of play, a bit of work, a bit more play, and so on. But that has been successful, mostly. Now it's back to work.

Good night, good day, whatever. I want to sleep but I am almost done.

Today and tomorrow.

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That is what I have to finish up my work on and in the house. I think I can get much done, probably all of it. Doing a little at a time, where and when I could, has left me in a decent position to finish out. One thing that bothers me is that it has been a bit too cold to do a decent airing out of the place. I had hoped to have the furnace off and the windows open for a week. And though I am a hot body and can handle the cold, the 30's are even a bit beyond my ken (at least to be in AND work). I suppose I could handle the cold if I did not also need to be more high functioning.

Boxes have still not been moved. That will be a tomorrow thing. As well, I need to find more boxes for what I have here. I also need to gather my items down to the basement room in a retreat from their spaces, while we figure out what is happening with the house or a rental. This is insane, in a way. The house was supposed to be closed April 23rd. Here we are almost midway through May and at a standstill, no further along than we were on the 23rd. Yes, I will take some blame. Up to, say, May 1st. After that, it has been out of my hands. And to that point I was only partially to blame. Then again, blame is not quite the operative word. Things happen, documents and this and that are needed, and the world turns. Blame is overused and incorrectly used too often, it is a lazy man's word. But, there it is, you figure out the proper word?

A bit of coffee, a small list of items needed from the store, a few dishes to knock out (and they are soaking in hot sudsy water) as I start my final offensive on the final tasks, and I am blogging here on my way to work. I hope the day is as fruitful as I intend. Have a great day, or night as the truth is here and may be in your case too. What Ever, Man.

The form.

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I have received correspondence back regarding which form to file in order to get the other form from one government office to the next. Now, where I get this form, whether I have all the pertinent information with which to fill it out correctly, and why it would matter as they have no greater of an idea about who I am from filling out a form than they do from talking to me on the phone is beyond my speculative powers at this point in time. If this was information I was obtaining for my records, sure. But since it is information going from one government office to another, they should be able to skip this. Of course, without layers of bull shit, half the government "workers" would be out of a job. All vital jobs, all the time. Sort of like CNN being US news and colleges being about education. Then again, one might speculate that all of those (public or private schools, through grants, student loans, and whatever else) are government workers too (media obviously, for reasons all their own).

Rambling, bedtime, sleep, good night... morning actually but that is not the point. Ugh.

I do not think so.

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I am getting the feeling that the owners were not working in good faith. Whether they decided not to sell, believe (or actually do) have a better offer, or simply cannot believe the financial situation they are in and the loss of value (perhaps complete loss of all they money they put into the house and used as a down?) and so are going to make it as hard on a buyer as they can, I don't know. But they are not even trying and I feel, now, as if they never really did.

They are going through the motions to make it look like they are selling, but they really are not doing so. Whether that is just about me, whether it would be that way with anyone, I do not know. I am positive that this deal was dead before it started. Maybe I am wrong, but... Having met the owners, I felt as if... something was up. I felt like there was something going on behind the scenes. I could be wrong, I am not without paranoia, still... I got a nagging feeling and it will not go.

I am becoming more and more sure that the deal is dead. I think it started out dead, but whatever. The only left is for the doctor to a final bureaucratic check and then call for the boys at the morgue. And yet, who knows. Perhaps the owners are being forced out by financial and familial situations that make the whole thing simply hard to swallow. It can be difficult to deal openly or nicely when one feels cornered. A buyer to a house they love would, in some small way at least, perhaps seem to be a part of the crowd which cornered them. The economy, perhaps bad (or even good but failed) financial and or business plans, changing family situation(s), and... everyone can seem the enemy. Then pile on the V.A., a seeming slaggard, a pile of paperwork, and the meanness of the real markets. Still, even with that, I sense the deal was never intended to be completed.

So be it, but I am stuck between places until "the doctor" makes the call. It is not my favorite of "places", but it is one which is familiar. At least I am not the one holding a house in a dead market. If I do find a place to rent, it is going to have to allow for a cat. I will get a cat, one way or the other. My one concession to my needs, I think. Stupid cats... women... people! Bah! :P

I've been looking at this...

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and chuckling for some time now. This is what happens when I 'fall down'. People can try to help, pull, push, or whatever... but it just ain't happening... This is me when nothing works.



Or, as I have titled it... getting things done my way.

A troubled proposition.

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My broker called today and suggested that the sale is seeming quite unlikely. The work needed, from a rough quote, could be from $500 to $4,000, and that is just to open a space for further inspection, as well as doing a few required by inspection fixes. The actual quote will cost another $50. Nothing I had not seen coming miles away and already been considering. And, yes, I do have a plan.

The current owners, most likely, will not be able to sell their house without those fixes, at a minimum the need to open a space to allow for a full inspection. What had been lax has become draconian, as far as home sales, inspections, financing, and such. The mood, reality, and financial situation of more and more people do not favor a quick sale, perhaps any kind of sale. So...

If they can allow another month to slip by, bring half of the cost in cash, and perhaps do some of the work with me, I think we can salvage this deal. I have one caveat. If the inspection once the opening is created happens and there is a further outlay required, I will have to be exempt from my half of the payment. At that point, it becomes impossible for me to help more or to lose more. I will be discussing this with my broker this morning, and have it relayed to the owners for a decision.

Barring that, the deal is dead. I will not fork out, or even risk, more than what I am offering, soft as that is. If nothing else, it would put them one step closer to an actual sale, if the inspection ends up worse than expected. On my part, it will mean I did not merely get cold feet. All I will risk, at this point, is some sweat equity, as some are wont to call it. Perhaps that IS sweat off my brow, but it is something I would gladly shed, even if only to help another. Or more precisely, intentionally to help another with no gain to myself. That is never a bad thing. What you lose here, in a good cause, you store where it is important. Though that I have a potential stake in this makes that moot, I think. Then again, God has His own calculator and tabulation tables. Sorry, but I am not privy to those.

Oh, I also need to call the IRS. It seems that the V.A., knowing I am 100% permanent and total in their disability, still needs IRS vindications of some sort or other. So, a phone call, some fibbing (not about my tax situation or for financial gain, mind you), and a chat should deal with that. All, of course, under the notion that this will mean anything in the end.

Well, is that not how life is though? It seems to be happening more often and more harshly now. The banks are going under and the government is doing what it can to help them to do so. It is all a sham, but it always has been, since we failed the first test. We simply have not improved and are not likely to improve, collectively or singly. I suppose we could just up and quit, but... I am not seeing that as any kind of solution. Even God sort of frowns on that. So, on we go, through the nether of our own decay, fault, folly, and seeming irrelevance. I think, in the end, that is our lot. Blind, foolish, lusty, and hungry, we learn.

Live long and prosper.

The cleaning.

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Much is yet to be done, some may not get done, but some has been done. I did a little research and found a vacuum I thought I could trust. It's a Eureka, uses bags, full size (or as much as vacuums get to full size, since they are made for women), and works well. Hepa filter? Meh, it has it but so what? I do not think they make them without it now, do they? Still, at $140 or so after tax, I cannot complain so far. And, yes, it has been taken out of the box, assembled, AND used!

The living room, kitchen, and dining room are pretty much good. The bedrooms need a bit of work and laundry, the bathrooms need a good run through, and I need to get boxes moved. Today was going to be boxes, but I simply could not sleep last night. Why, I cannot say.

I missed an appointment this morning, but it does not matter. They were going to do a blood test for the medicines I am taking, but after ordering them and checking on them, they have failed to arrive in this last 2 to 3 weeks. I will have to order again. I had meant to call, but the lack of sleep just did not allow the simple concentration to do so. Wait, I might still have time!

I am hoping, after a bit of a nap, I will still have time to load one or two loads of boxes over storage. That should be all of the boxes I currently have here. Then, of course, I will need to get more boxes and begin working on the day to day stuff I have around the house. I will leave some food. Some of it replacement for some of their stuff I used, some of it simply in gratitude (things I like that they may not have tried). I do not know how fussy they are, food wise, so may get some of it returned. I plan on offering them a small monetary token of gratitude as well. Perhaps $150 dollars as a thank you. Trust me, having a house, garage, and privacy for the same price as a busy college dormitory (essentially) was worth far more than what I paid.

After the boxes today, tomorrow is bathrooms for sure. Perhaps some yard work as well. The days are getting short for their return, and I am nervous. It is almost like having one's parents return from a visit somewhere for an extended time. Perhaps they know the place will not be perfect, but they will be disappointed if there has not at least been an attempt made to give some credence to their trust in me. Then again, I am a man, a bachelor at that, and disabled on top of it. Still, it would be nice to be surprisingly kempt (seeming). These are people who I think I would like to remain friends with. For their age, and probably any age, they seem alive, interesting, and active. Atheist? Yeah. Academic? Sure. And? Like is sometimes simply chemistry. And perhaps a mutual way that is parallel, if not exactly identical. I may be wrong but I fail to skip the chance at hope. Even in people, maybe especially in people.

Well, let me get to that phone call, get a nap, and then hopefully get more done today. Here is hoping that your and my day ends up with successes. Even the small ones count. Be well, find love, and... I dunno... hush! :P

Update:
I called the V.A. in time, I think, to let the clinic know I would not be arriving and why. Then I had them transfer my call to pharmacy. While waiting, I was disconnected. I called back and after another goodly wait, I did get through. The woman spoke with such a heavy oriental accent that I could not, for the most part, understand her. What I did pick up is that one of my high blood pressure medicines has been discontinued, she will send the Lisinopril, but she will have to speak with my "doctor" before sending the Ritalin. I can guess on that answer. It looks like the gig is up. No Ritalin, no medicine. I simply will not be force to sleep like that, and cannot take my medicines effectively without it anyway.

Another day in a dogs life. From what I am hearing about my brother's "care" at the V.A., I am realizing it really is not me, just me, or about me. It does not matter if it is a back injury suffered in the service or whatever it is that is wrong with me. It is simply a system that is broke, was broken on purpose, and no longer serves the purpose for which it was intended. Thank the Democrats for throwing money at a solution that was meant to fail.

Ouch, or as I like to say now, "Wouch".

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I slept hard. I mean rock hard. I had my alarm set for 10:00. Getting to bed by 2:00 or 2:30 should have seen a wake up at that time as feasible. Not so. I would not give up though. I kept pressing snooze in the mad hopes of being able to arise the next alarm. I finally surrendered at 11:30 or so, turning off the alarm. Waking at 14:00 or a little before or after, I still feel like a rock. Stone cold tired and in some pain. I just will not sleep anymore anyway. Chalk it up to a rough one and call it good.

I have only a week to get the house ready for the owner's to return, the one I am staying in. It is not too bad, but there is some work. To that end, and in preparation to my own home ownership, I think I will investigate vacuum cleaners and buy a good one. The rest after vacuuming is just a bit of neatening, moving a few boxes to storage or the house, a bit of mopping and such, and some airing out of the place (whether the weather agrees or not). A bit each day should see me in good shape, and by God, this time I will do it! I really appreciate staying in this place, a home, rather than in that retched apartment. And, I like these people. Bother that they be academics and atheists, I like them. It is just how it is. I am, sometimes, quite picky about who I like too.

Well, a little tinkering to wake up, a little work, and then on with whatever happens today.

You all have a good day. Remember God too. Beside it being His day (for us, even so, and oddly), understand we are on His mind every day. Do not feel blessed? Perhaps you do not understand. Your very breath is His blessing. If that is not a blessing to you, I dare you to simply stop doing so. But before you do, look around, talk to someone, find someone who cares (there are many of us who do), go have a nice dinner, and fiddle with a project or craft or distraction. Then decide. Maybe even a good nights sleep will get you over a hump. Even my rough one allowed a good control-alt-delete for me.

Be loved!

It is way too late.

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Good night.

*chuckles*

It is a go.

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I finally got an straight answer. They decided, definitively, to have someone in to do the work. The last thing, that I know of, was having the crawlspace enlarged. Of course, the work will have to be done and then it will have to be inspected along with all other work. As well, what can in theory be accessed through the enlarged opening must also be inspected. That is as good as it gets for now. But that is enough that I will take my foot of the brake and go ahead with anything I can do.

Why it took two weeks or more to get a definitive decision on these things in spite of having everyone press ahead ignorantly, I have no idea. Why the conflicting reports of what would and could be done, again, I do not know. I feel like the world merely messes with me from time to time, to see if I will go ahead and jump off a cliff or something. Well, no, I will not. I will not blindly follow someone who has no skin in the game while they set me up for failure. I simply will not do so. Faith in men falls somewhere between lacking and non-existent. Especially business men. And woman are simply business men in skirts and dresses, so no leeway there either.

If my broker and company end up not liking me, I can deal with that. They did a lot of work but they messed up just like the rest of us. Same with the seller, their agent, and the V.A. I really do not think anyone knows what they are collectively doing, to be honest. Or, the way things are usually done is quite... loose. The V.A. and myself seem to be a bit more particular, if in our own ways.

Oh well, if it gets done, and rightly, it is all good. And, yes, I will thank the parties involved and be grateful for their efforts. Mistakes happen. I certainly was not perfect, or even very on the ball. I did what I could, when I could, how I could. And I would guess that is all anyone did, if some were better at staying with it and getting some things right than others.

Well, good night.

Missed a call.

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My broker called while I was otherwise busy. I called him back moments later. No answer. Since I had no information for him I did not leave a message. His "message" only indicated that he wanted to see what was going on. Well, nothing is going on or will go on until the repairs are complete. Repairs I cannot order, financially cover, or handle in any manner. They have had 3 weeks to decide to do or not do these things and they have not done them. As far as I am concerned, the deal is over, the owners simply need to admit it and return my money. Perhaps they will surprise me, though I have great doubts.

I went out to eat tonight. Ribs. Not the best, but okay. And, of course it being a college town, a gay waiter. I despise male servers, but I really despise gay ones. Then again, are there non-gay waiters? I am sure there are a few. Or at least the smart ones do not lisp like they have something in their mouth. Get outta here!

Well, bedtime. I will find out more when I find out more. Perhaps they want me to end the deal so they can keep the $500. It is not going to happen. They will have to admit they are not going to have the work done or the financial deal will just have to time out. I will do nothing more, but I will also not end negotiations, such as they are. I will sleep well and begin looking for a place to rent. Somewhere away from the gayness that is academia. Blah... Good night.

The house.

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The update is that after talking to the owners, my broker, their broker through my broker, and the engineer, I know nothing more than I did before. A simple yes or no would suffice. I have heard the floor and electrical are done, just need inspected. But I have been told the crawl space cannot be expanded, which I do not believe to be true. However, if that is the case or they will not have it expanded, then the deal is a fail. The crawl space needs to be expanded, as what the engineer needs to inspect is both an expanded crawl space and what he needs to see when he is able to get through there (whether there is enough space between the wood of the house and the dirt underneath it).

Why, when they hired an engineer, they did not also fax or email him what they needed him to inspect or wait to hire him for the work to be completed (my broker agency) I have no idea. But that is it, in a nutshell. As I have said, until I know that the work will be done, all of it, I cannot put another nickel, cup of gas, or hour of thought or work into the deal. I am not sure if the sellers realize there are no eligible buyers except the few that trickle through from FHA or VA mortgaging. If one is harsh, I think the other (whichever that is) will be even more strict.

Add to that, their broker has the gall to push for a closure without pushing his clients to complete the work. It is more than a double standard as it is his side holding things up. I cannot order floor work, I cannot call in for the enlargement of the crawl space. I cannot even really do much work without their approval an allowance.

Oh, the painting. I tried to rent scaffolding but could not find a single rental. I made about 7 calls to that end. I can, if I am assured they will get the crawl space enlarged, do two more windows and anything on the garage. I cannot do the eaves or some of the other tricky to get to places. I will not go out on a very thin ladder to do that kind of work. And, I suggested that the $750 quote was quite high and that we needed to get quotes from other painters, not just one.

Who knows, but a close by Friday seems unlikely. Even if everything else goes well, the inspections (the initial inspector has to come back and approve the work and the engineer will obviously have to return) will take more time. They simply do not just show up, taking several days to fit a visit into their schedules. So be it.

Like I said, I know nothing more than I knew before. I know more detail, but not whether the list is going to be completed. They have to know that no inspector will now sign off without them doing the crawl space, as that will be required for even a regular bank loan at this point. Everybody is getting quite particular. And buyers are drying up due to many factors. I wish I could help them, or just pay for it, but I cannot. I am sure they have lost money on the loan, the deal, and such. But they are in line only to lose more. Possibly a lot more. Plus, as I have said, they will have to do everything on that list, and maybe more.

But I am not freaking, panicking, or even terribly bothered. I want this, but it is not the end of the world (probably, or at least not due to a house loan not closing, even this one). I want in, they want out, everyone wants their cut, nobody can or will spend what they do not have to see it happen. Still, the prospect of a rental for a year or three is no fun. I will have mere days to find a place if this falls through. Actually, I should start looking for a decent place to rent now... Ugh... Morz junk to research, negotiate, and such.

Well, have a good one. Bedtime hereabouts.

Weird about the wound.

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It has never hurt. It hurt a bit when they were scrubbing it, but more some burning of the torn skin, not the wound itself. It did not hurt initially, it did not hurt shortly after, it has not hurt since. The nerves are fine, I guess. I can move my fingers and thumb well. I have simply felt no pain from it. And it is quite a rip. I often do not feel pain though, I think. I have some small belief that I am usually in a great deal of physical pain, running from moderate to high, but I simply have no sense of it.

Painkillers usually do nothing for me, except in a few rare and rather extreme situations. Well, except exacerbate my exhaustion. I wonder if the unfelt pain is part of why I am always tired? Yes, that is probably a part of it. Oh well, perhaps someday medicine or science will understand these things. They certainly do not at this time.

Well, good night.

I am starting to doubt.

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After talking with my broker today, I have heard nothing. I suggested that unless I get an itemized update on the requirements for the loan regarding house repairs and that is all positive, I would not put one more minute, dollar, our cup of gas in on the project. I have spoken with the owners, but I have to drag out every discussion about every issue. Without having the list there, I cannot remember every item on the list. And I often get very weak or simply no answers about some of the items I have asked about. If they have bailed on the deal, then we should just be honest and quit the deal.

As I said, I have heard nothing back since this noonish discussion. No email no phone no visit. I am guessing this is bad news. I am sure that someone has spoken to whoever by now. If they are making up their minds, it is a bit late. If they were not in this from the beginning, and I do not think they were, then this has been a huge waste of everybody's time. Perhaps they have just hit the wall. It is a rather harsh time to do that though, two feet from the finish line. I suppose it happens. That they love the house and do not really want to move does not help things.

I guess I simply have to wait for what I am expecting to be bad news. There goes $1,500, a bunch of paperwork, some actual work time, lost sleep, and such. I probably will just skip even looking until next year. Thank God I do not need the V.A.'s approval for rentals. I may look around a bit further afield when I go to rent though. I like Logan, but it is still city. I might find an affordable place a little more rural with access to more of the things I like. I guess time will tell.

The stupid alarm clock is not working.

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I am up in time to do a few tasks and make some decisions, but it is quite annoying to have an alarm fail. No, I am quite sure it failed. It has been doing that a lot lately and inexplicably. So, a replacement is on the list. Maybe two. I need to throw the failures away while I am at it. Some of them, even when you pay a little more money for them, are really cheesy these days. This one was a Timex, as if that matters or seems to anymore. Stupid cheap labor, design, and manufacture offers what we pay for. And no, the wit, logic, and wisdom of Confucius (by the way, he and the study of him is outlawed in China, along with Christianity and others) does not translate into manufacturing. A society whose language is based on poetry is not going to fair well in a modern age.

I will have to talk to the people who did the inspections. They keep forgetting to add in a prospective efficiency rating on the new equipment. I was not there, however, so that is partly my problem. Hitting the 9:00 one would not have worked with my stupid alarm, but the 13:00 one I missed was my fault. Could not get in gear for that one. I was not as motivated since I had already missed one.

Time to make a few calls, collect some quotes, and make a decision. Sardines and crackers for breakfast, but that should do nicely.

Have a great day.

Painting.

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It is more of a chore than I remember. Climbing the ladder, chipping, brushing, sanding, and then schlacking it on thick. I did what I can, if I have only done two windows. I will be seeing about renting scaffolding tomorrow. Barring that I will have to pay someone to do the eaves. I simply cannot do those with what tools I have. The scaffolding has to be light enough for one man to move and set up, cheap enough to be worth it, strong enough to hold 300 pounds (my weight and any tools), and yet fold down so as to fit in the back of my Xterra. Quite a bill, but it's either that or pay someone a fortune to do it, most likely.

I can tell the broker is running out of patience. Which is fine, he can join the rest of us. It feels more like trying to reel in a whale than to merely catch the trout it is. This should be easier and smoother. I think part of it is pure bureaucracy and part of it is a test of will... to ensure I really want to buy this home.

I spoke with the "better half" about the house today. It sounds like she regrets having to move. They really do like their place, but life is pulling them other places. I asked if there was anything that I should know about, privately. Anything I should be prepared to handle. She did not know of anything, she just merely wished that they could stay. I told her it is better to be moving into a loved house that will continue to be loved than to be moving into a house that was hated.

Her husband can and does talk, but it is very much not his strong suit. He is always thinking, though I do not think it is about what is in front of him. His mind is on work, projects, and such. People are sort of there, but not. Yep, I have to think he and D.C. could have a fine not chat. lols I am not sure if these types get along well, though I would guess so. And they probably communicate with far fewer words, once they have laid some basic ground works regarding meanings, depths of understanding, and rules of communication. Just a speculation, and assuming they do personally like each other and have some respect for one another. Otherwise they merely butt heads and disagree and digress?

I will be over to paint again tomorrow. I will find out about a rental then go over and do what I can do, either way. I would like to have it finished by Wednesday afternoon, for the sanity of all. We are due to get snow toward the end of this week, so time is critical. Well, that and the hope to have this close by Friday. What a load of work and hassle, but well worth it if it works. So goes any worthy effort? No risk, no pain, no cost, no value... Yeah, I think so.

Good night. Sleep well, I know I will.

Hmm, that is odd.

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I lowered my blood pressure to 130/83 today. Then dropped it to 90/63. It just took a sacrifice. Namely my hand, or parts of it. We went out shooting today. My friend brought along a .32 acp. He had sold it back when he drank and "needed" the money. He sold it to a friend, of sorts. He was able to buy it back now that he is, for the most part, on the mend. It is a very small pistol.

I had fired one magazine of 6, I think, bullets through the thing. About half way through the second magazine, the slide (it has now been determined) returned and bit well and solidly into my right hand. It sliced right in the crook between thumb and main hand part, anywhere from 1/4 to 1/2 inch deep and about 2 to 3 inches long, a little more if you count the slice as it first entered and then trailed off.

I went into shock, oddly. I became lightheaded, nauseous, and out of sorts. Quite odd, to be honest. I have never had such a bad reaction to so little pain. It still does not hurt. I took a bit of time to collect myself. After about a half an hour or so, I finally was able to drive to the hospital for stitches, four did the trick. When I first arrived, my blood pressure was right at 130/83. Someone came in and cleaned it out. Then there was paperwork. Then someone gave me a tetanus shot. Then I was given some local, and asked to irrigate it, which I did with no problem. I think it was the local that caused me to go back into shock, as irrigating, the cleaning, and the stitching really didn't bother me and there was no pain. That or the tetanus shot? Not sure, but my blood pressure dropped to 90/63.

Anyway, I went and had a hearty meal and feel much better, mostly. Nausea and sweating have come back a time or two since eating, so... I am disappointed in my autonomic responses. Sure, it was traumatic, physically. A gun slide moves very fast, and I think it did shock my system. But I have had much worse and done much better. Oddly I did not curse like a sailor. I used to do that when damaged a bit. I do not know, age, diabetes, high blood pressure, or the medicine I am on have made me quite weak. I might even say fragile. It sucks.

Well, have a good day!

Could not have said it better...

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This and that, an inspection here and there, and the work goes on.

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The structural engineer visited today. The place seems to be in rather good shape. Old, to be certain, but in better shape than many new houses. He pointed out areas which would cause concern, notably the absence of issues was what I saw. No cracks near doorways or windows, the plum being fit (except for one small area in the back porch, though it looks to have been built out of plum and it has not changed since). Everything was in order, though he was not 100% (what engineer works that way anyway?).

I had the first furnace man in for a quote today. It was more than I had hoped, but so be it. At $5350, I will have no extra money for a washer and dryer. Well, maybe a dryer? I may have to use some of the incentive to buy money toward one or both the washer and dryer. It looks like some work will need to be done beyond simple installation, but nothing unreasonable. Things just cost more than the last quotes I had heard from other situations.

The electrical inspection was supposed to be happening today. I have not heard how that went, though I suspect it went well. If it did, that is another thing off the list. The last thing remaining, untended due to weather, is painting the trim. My broker's company has asked for extra time, and to allow the closing to go forward, should the weather not be cooperative. It would be a stupid thing to hold up closing for a lackluster paint job rather than allowing us to do it right and close on time, in a timely fashion anyway.

Not much else is happening. I seem to be functioning much better, making appointments well, and such. So, perhaps it is not stress, or not all stress, being the reason I collapse as I do. Right now it is more complicated and higher stress than before. I am invested of time and money on a project which could still fail quite easily. I might be the cause of that failure. I still have a lot to do, so, like I said, not or not completely stress related.

I am exhausted, but in a good way. Sleep well, I know I will. Good night.

I think, think, the deal has stabalized.

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The current owners and myself both understand the score. He probably will not get a better price, or even a sale, any time soon. Passing up a sale, for him, would be uncomfortably unwise. For me, however, waiting would probably be in my best financial interest, at least for home cost. When one adds in potential interest rate spikes and a loss of the $8,000 tax credit, my lower cost may not actually result in a lower long term cost. With both of us, it is a rose... with thorns.

As for inspections, quotes, and repairs, those are ongoing. Waiting on people to get work done is not fun, but there is nothing any of us can do to get that done quicker. Of course, I was not told about the requirements for an efficiency package for the loan until way late in the game as well. But that is not quite as important. Tomorrow I will be calling several places to find out about this aspect. I called the owner today to discuss other matters, and he has agreed to allow me to give out his phone number to facilitate getting a quote on furnace replacement and central air installation.

I am back to a day schedule. I am also back on my initial doses of medicine. As best as I can be. I seem to be messing up on that a bit. I have been out of the house enough when the 'medicine time' alarm goes off. And without something to remind me, I simply forget.

I think all things will work out. Barring that, they will not and I will be a homeless dead guy. Ha! Whatever. I do not worry. I have, most likely, had worse and far worse than anything that would probably result from most of what could happen. Sure, I have not been crippled by a stroke, but I have been nearly as crippled by... something, and for over a decade, right after I became ill. Still am crippled, if I have come to better terms with it and learned to negotiate with that status a bit. Not bad for a dead guy!

Have a great life. Maybe a grapefruit? What... ever...

The thing is still chugging along.

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More money. Of course. The next big expense, for me, is the fees, expenses, and travel to have an engineer inspect the foundation (mostly the earth to structure aspect) of the house. That will be between $300 and $500. I will then have $1200 to $1500 tied up in a house I may not end up being able to buy. How much the owners have put in I can only guess. The thing about their investment is that it will pay for itself, potentially, in an easier future sale (if they comply fully), probably. I still need to get an estimate regarding the cost of installing a new furnace, and adding central air, and projected cost savings... from three sources. I do not think this will be an expense, as I will be getting these as prospective work quotes from installers. However, I will not hold my breath on that.

I have, finally, received contact information so that I might speak with the seller. I have offered my services in order to facilitate the sale. He suggested that there is paint and painting to be done. Trim, it is what he has suggested. So, today is the day though when I start is fairly lax. And a good thing it is lax, as I had almost forgotten about another event today. Remember the neighbor lady? Yeah, well, last Saturday while I had friends over (drinking beer on the patio no less...), she arrived home from work and decided to stop over and talk for a short bit. She thought Tuesday, today, around noon or 13:00 would be a good time for her to do something.

I had a few things in mind, and asked if she had a preference. She said she liked it all, and that it was up to me. So, that is the way of it. I have a few things brewing. At first I thought a local bread and soup place, for lunch, might be the way to go. Then maybe a movie. But the weather has been wonderful and I have not been out in some time. I have revised my itinerary. I think, instead, a small collection of fried chicken (not from KFC, perhaps from one of the local stores), coleslaw, perhaps mashed potatoes and gravy -NO- potato salad, and something to drink would be the trick. There are several parks in town, or up Logan Canyon. Then, if there is time and interest, a movie. Something to get me, and probably her, out of our normal routine. It offers some privacy without being completely secluded. And there is space and time for discussion.

Oh, it all sounds so pat. But that is not what it is about. It was not merely designed, it was considered and the reasons and and such where created a bit during and somewhat after the final social crafting was completed. I will have to see what goes on to know more. I will be honest, this is merely social. I am looking for a female sidekick, not a lover, not a wife, in this woman. Though it is not a bad thing, it is not more. Friends. That is the way of it.

After that, I will need to hurry, dress down a bit, and get over to do some painting. I may grab a scraper on my way out, perhaps some sandpaper too. I am not sure what grit would be best, though I think course would be enough. I suspect someone at the hardware store might be able to offer some guidance as well. If I do work, I like to do it as well as I am able, to arrive prepared, and then to see the task completed. To that end, I will be working diligently until that, and any other tasks offered within my means, are completed.

If this does not go through, the house sale, I will simply have to find a cheap place to stay and stock up on cash. In the long run, it might be better. Prices will fall, so long as the anti-business and anti-capitalist (among other things) sentiments are being spewed from Washington. Even if or when that is ended, I suspect it will take many years for an actual recovery. Though with the way Republicans are now, I am not sure recovery is possible. We may simply be in the dying days of the last Superpower before international socialism brings bane to all. In which case, no plan is good. Nothing will be owned, not be peasants anyway. But, that is still getting the horse before the cart in a few too many ways. Besides, planning must take place regardless of the situation one finds themselves in. Either act or re-act. I prefer to act, re-acting is already crisis management. Acting, in an informed manner, can be a good way of avoiding crisis. Bah!

Have a great day.