.
.
For just a bit, this afternoon, I made it out of the house. I took my friend shopping a bit and looked for swimming trunks. I couldn't stay and do more shopping though. I... just didn't have it in me. I hope to get out again soon though. Friday, perhaps for shooting. Actually, I may sneak back out yet tonight. I need some groceries, cat food, and to look for trunks at Walmart perhaps. I'm simply not into those spandex type "trunks". Just can't go there. Though the guy at the store I shopped had an idea (since I like longer trunks). Long beach type shorts and compression underwear. An interesting idea. I no longer fit extra large. Even large is a bit loose, if medium is just too tight. But my legs themselves are huge. I have very muscular legs, which makes finding underwear difficult. *blathering*
I'm into a new game, one that hasn't glitched at the end, so far. Dead Space 2 is a decent game, if extreme on the intensity side of things. Don't play this if you have a bad heart! Uhrm, unless you are cocksure and rough around the mentals. Definitely don't play it if you are female. I would not let any child play this one. I wouldn't even let some twitchy adults play it. I'm not sure I should be playing it, either, to be honest. It's not just game play. There are scenes that are extreme in that, no matter the difficulty the game is difficult. I played on casual the first time and it ripped me up as if I was a five year old game virgin. Some things are extremely difficult to figure out.
I didn't read up on it first, and I didn't seek a guide before or during the first playthrough. I used my own raw gaming abilities. Well, there was a cheat, near the end of the game, that I had heard about. I did use that. Doesn't help with the first game since it is pretty much at the end. It does help set up the next game if you use alternative weapons (which I don't, save for trophies). I just wanted to see if it actually worked. It does. But intensity? I have to remember to breath, which does put a bit of a strain on my heart at times, literally. I honestly think they need to dial it down a little. Then again, you are starting with bad weapons and little or no armor. But you are on the run, outnumbered, with little or no lighting, and sometimes being shot at from things you can't even find. It's too intense. Even when I improved my primary weapons and armor (before the cheat), it was difficult. I am playing through on a difficulty two levels higher than the "casual" setting this time. And it is still a kick between the quads. I think it's making me poop dark matter of the physics sort though.
Hmm, on to town again. I don't want to go. It is late. But I do need some things and want some others. And I have just enough juice to get me back into town and back. I compete with the Volt for incompetence, I just don't start fires, mostly. Later.
Monday, March 5, 2012
A window.
.
.
Okay, looks like something might be opening up. I did a goodly bit back when without a window, hopefully I can do more with one. Perhaps even get back on track with a few things. I took a shower this morning. Long overdo and well deserved for no other reason than that humans deserve cleanliness. I was able to sleep until just before 6:00 too. Usually I put a timer on, then feed the girls after two hours (it cuts down on their begging, almost have that licked). Being that they usually eat at 2:00 or 3:00, and have for weeks/months now, and that it was almost 6:00, I fed them right away this morning, and then fed myself a bit of cheese and summer sausage (nummm!). I brushed my teeth before that. Before getting into the shower I looked myself over. I am looking... thinner. Not thin, not by a long shot. But I noticed I am losing fat/size. So, before jumping in the shower I weighed myself. I came in right at 262.2! That's twelve pounds down from my last weighing in, and forty pounds off my entrance (to Utah) weight, a nearly 20% sale! :)
What am I going to do today? I need to get to Mass. I need to find swimming trunks that fit, preferably with pockets. I need to do some shopping. I need to see my friend. I want a meal out of my home, but a good restaurant type not fast food. What will get done today I can't be certain. A couple more hours to get my brain working, then maybe a bit more food down the tube, a little home cleaning, and I'll be thinking about it. Oh, and I think I will restart my medicines again today, minus the diabetes stuff. It gives me a severe fever for about two hours after taking it, and the shakes like I just chugged a pot of fresh, hot, top-notch, high-powered coffee. Can't do that.
A local man brought by some of his wife's cooking last night. Do you like elk, he asked? As my friend might reply... Do I! Absolutely delicious. He's a lucky man. I am pretty sure the carrots with it were home-canned! At least he appreciates his wife's special nature. And she can cook quite well. She even has a job of some sort. On top of being mother, wife, cook, gardener, canner, and all that jazz. And she's a pretty woman. That type of woman actually scares me. Men can compete with "high-powered", "intellectual", "rich" women with ease, one way or another. Same with your average celphone gossip do-little woman, your typical self-absorbed woman. But a good woman can't be denied, or topped. The best a man can do with such a woman is try to compliment her on the guy side, and that is a tough racket. Just saying. Delicious food though. I'll have to cook them a chicken dinner, my way. That and send them out on a date somewhere nice. If I can't have romance, I at least like to see someone else enjoying the sport.
Well, on to a few other things. Later, maybe, if an update is needed.
.
Okay, looks like something might be opening up. I did a goodly bit back when without a window, hopefully I can do more with one. Perhaps even get back on track with a few things. I took a shower this morning. Long overdo and well deserved for no other reason than that humans deserve cleanliness. I was able to sleep until just before 6:00 too. Usually I put a timer on, then feed the girls after two hours (it cuts down on their begging, almost have that licked). Being that they usually eat at 2:00 or 3:00, and have for weeks/months now, and that it was almost 6:00, I fed them right away this morning, and then fed myself a bit of cheese and summer sausage (nummm!). I brushed my teeth before that. Before getting into the shower I looked myself over. I am looking... thinner. Not thin, not by a long shot. But I noticed I am losing fat/size. So, before jumping in the shower I weighed myself. I came in right at 262.2! That's twelve pounds down from my last weighing in, and forty pounds off my entrance (to Utah) weight, a nearly 20% sale! :)
What am I going to do today? I need to get to Mass. I need to find swimming trunks that fit, preferably with pockets. I need to do some shopping. I need to see my friend. I want a meal out of my home, but a good restaurant type not fast food. What will get done today I can't be certain. A couple more hours to get my brain working, then maybe a bit more food down the tube, a little home cleaning, and I'll be thinking about it. Oh, and I think I will restart my medicines again today, minus the diabetes stuff. It gives me a severe fever for about two hours after taking it, and the shakes like I just chugged a pot of fresh, hot, top-notch, high-powered coffee. Can't do that.
A local man brought by some of his wife's cooking last night. Do you like elk, he asked? As my friend might reply... Do I! Absolutely delicious. He's a lucky man. I am pretty sure the carrots with it were home-canned! At least he appreciates his wife's special nature. And she can cook quite well. She even has a job of some sort. On top of being mother, wife, cook, gardener, canner, and all that jazz. And she's a pretty woman. That type of woman actually scares me. Men can compete with "high-powered", "intellectual", "rich" women with ease, one way or another. Same with your average celphone gossip do-little woman, your typical self-absorbed woman. But a good woman can't be denied, or topped. The best a man can do with such a woman is try to compliment her on the guy side, and that is a tough racket. Just saying. Delicious food though. I'll have to cook them a chicken dinner, my way. That and send them out on a date somewhere nice. If I can't have romance, I at least like to see someone else enjoying the sport.
Well, on to a few other things. Later, maybe, if an update is needed.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Gaming.
.
.
It's a junky thing. I know if I have kids they won't touch games. I only do it because, at this point, it is either that or lots of sleep. I need significant neural activity along with little physical exertion in order to stay conscious. And while it doesn't lead to productivity it does give me some sense of accomplishment. Further, it requires me to do things I don't want to do, it does stimulate some of my core capacity such as reflexes and hand-to-eye coordination, some logic, and requires some creativity. Most people shouldn't play games, just like most people shouldn't take Oxycontin. For those who need it there is a price. Now, if you can truly limit your game play to a few hours a day, it is better than television. Then again, television is as bad, perhaps worse as an anesthesia... a painkiller for the stupid/lazy. Games are at least interactive. Hey, if I am going to toss a bomb that bites me in the ass, I might as well make it nuclear. :)
Medicines are reset. Dishes are soaking. A new game is getting DLC added.
By the way, don't buy or play Mass Effect 2 on PS3! I have had two "insanity mode" games go belly up at the last mission. Something about playing more than a few hours can cause the save file (for that whole game, even the old saves, to become corrupted. Each of those games cost me 50-60 hours of 'heavy lifting'. Don't waste your time. I have heard that they are coming out with a patch. Haven't seen it. Trust me, it isn't worth it. The game is a fantastic game. The level of difficulty can be extreme, but the payoff is there mostly. But to get to the final mission only to find your game, all the saves, are destroyed? Not worth it. Oh, their work-around is to quit the game every few hours, backup your saves, then play on, hoping you know when your saved files are corrupted (though how you will know I can't be sure) so that you can do a restore (hopefully from before the corruption, if you caught it). DON'T BUY OR PLAY MASS EFFECT 2 ON PLAYSTATION 3!!! 'Nough said.
The new game is Dead Space 2. I bought and played the first one, for context. I think I played the first one on the computer. Way back when. It must have been one of the last games I could play on the computer before age ate the machine's capacity to play. Still, it was like playing it for the first time with four or five years over the bridge since. I'm adding DLC (download content) to it now. With PS3 there are few or no cheats. Glitches once in a while, but usually time intense ones not worth the effort. Playstation makes some of it's money 'selling you cheats'. Better weapons, armor, more content for added money, additional "glitches". And glitches? Those are created. Do you think people actually "accidentally" find a glitch? Those were created for the programmers/gamers by themselves. Some get leaked. Free money accidental glitch my butt. Never mind. I rarely use those, there is a chance they will bug the game/saves, too. Didn't use them in Mass Effect 2 and it didn't matter. DON'T BUY OR PLAY MASS EFFECT 2!!!
Heh. Never mind, I best get to some other things.
Later.
.
It's a junky thing. I know if I have kids they won't touch games. I only do it because, at this point, it is either that or lots of sleep. I need significant neural activity along with little physical exertion in order to stay conscious. And while it doesn't lead to productivity it does give me some sense of accomplishment. Further, it requires me to do things I don't want to do, it does stimulate some of my core capacity such as reflexes and hand-to-eye coordination, some logic, and requires some creativity. Most people shouldn't play games, just like most people shouldn't take Oxycontin. For those who need it there is a price. Now, if you can truly limit your game play to a few hours a day, it is better than television. Then again, television is as bad, perhaps worse as an anesthesia... a painkiller for the stupid/lazy. Games are at least interactive. Hey, if I am going to toss a bomb that bites me in the ass, I might as well make it nuclear. :)
Medicines are reset. Dishes are soaking. A new game is getting DLC added.
By the way, don't buy or play Mass Effect 2 on PS3! I have had two "insanity mode" games go belly up at the last mission. Something about playing more than a few hours can cause the save file (for that whole game, even the old saves, to become corrupted. Each of those games cost me 50-60 hours of 'heavy lifting'. Don't waste your time. I have heard that they are coming out with a patch. Haven't seen it. Trust me, it isn't worth it. The game is a fantastic game. The level of difficulty can be extreme, but the payoff is there mostly. But to get to the final mission only to find your game, all the saves, are destroyed? Not worth it. Oh, their work-around is to quit the game every few hours, backup your saves, then play on, hoping you know when your saved files are corrupted (though how you will know I can't be sure) so that you can do a restore (hopefully from before the corruption, if you caught it). DON'T BUY OR PLAY MASS EFFECT 2 ON PLAYSTATION 3!!! 'Nough said.
The new game is Dead Space 2. I bought and played the first one, for context. I think I played the first one on the computer. Way back when. It must have been one of the last games I could play on the computer before age ate the machine's capacity to play. Still, it was like playing it for the first time with four or five years over the bridge since. I'm adding DLC (download content) to it now. With PS3 there are few or no cheats. Glitches once in a while, but usually time intense ones not worth the effort. Playstation makes some of it's money 'selling you cheats'. Better weapons, armor, more content for added money, additional "glitches". And glitches? Those are created. Do you think people actually "accidentally" find a glitch? Those were created for the programmers/gamers by themselves. Some get leaked. Free money accidental glitch my butt. Never mind. I rarely use those, there is a chance they will bug the game/saves, too. Didn't use them in Mass Effect 2 and it didn't matter. DON'T BUY OR PLAY MASS EFFECT 2!!!
Heh. Never mind, I best get to some other things.
Later.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Back in the rut.
.
.
I do okay for a day or two, or get some projects completed, then I have to cut and run. Run being entirely figurative. My plans for Monday failed miserably. I didn't even realize it until Wednesday I believe. Never mind all that jazz, I'm still pointing in the right direction and waiting for traction. At least I know I can do some things even without a window of opportunity. That is a seriously good and new thing. I have and can do amazing things, but usually it requires the silky whip of a woman's tongue. Can't hurt my ego, I'm actually too strong for that. But if a woman is all sweet, or better vulnerable like, she can get me to hoist my bullocks and sprint. :)
I just made a fried hamburger. Deep fried. Well, I fried the outside to get that crisp outer then baked it. Not bad at all. Next time I think I will do it the other way around though. Delicious. I made fried potatoes yesterday. I'm seriously loving these fried foods. Oh, no worries. It's a fad. Though, while I experiment, I am learning a technique that will last me the rest of my cooking career. Fried fish, chicken, giblets, chops, and even cheaper cuts of beef, add variety. Further, it is one of the fastest methods of cooking out there. If you go to try it, remember... HOT! You want a drop of water to bring the oil to a boil. Just a drop though, even that can be slightly to very dangerous so USE CAUTION. Now that I have the oil right, I bet I can make fried chicken like my mother used to make it. The batter is my next trick to make it truly correct to memory. She used to make it with a thick crunchy exterior a quarter inch thick it seems. Yeah, that is the plan.
It snowed, that went away. Did it again. Snowed again just recently. That will be gone before long too. Very little snow this year, and the mountains only had 40% snow pack last I heard. But the rain has actually filled the reservoirs so it's all good. As I was telling a local man, though I'm not a farmer, living in farm country makes me 'pull for the team'. Who do city people pull for? Themselves, mostly.
The girls are doing well. Sassy is getting closer to being a lap cat. She is amazing and just over a year and a half or so (is it). Sam stays so slim and Sassy is such a chunk-0-catbunny. Same amount of food. I don't mind, and Sassy isn't rotund or anything, just chipmunk chubby. Sam must think she is going to try out for Cat Style Mag cover girl or something. Heh.
I have called my mom a time or two, tried to call my gal-pal, and tried to do a few things. I just can't keep anything on target for very long. I have much to do and no capacity to get to it. I am waking at midnight and staying up until somewhere between noon and 17:00. I am trying to stay up later, to adjust my day, it just isn't happening. I'm not yet back on medication, but it's... a goal.
That's that for that. Plus I got to use three "that"'s in a sentence, so hush. Later.
.
I do okay for a day or two, or get some projects completed, then I have to cut and run. Run being entirely figurative. My plans for Monday failed miserably. I didn't even realize it until Wednesday I believe. Never mind all that jazz, I'm still pointing in the right direction and waiting for traction. At least I know I can do some things even without a window of opportunity. That is a seriously good and new thing. I have and can do amazing things, but usually it requires the silky whip of a woman's tongue. Can't hurt my ego, I'm actually too strong for that. But if a woman is all sweet, or better vulnerable like, she can get me to hoist my bullocks and sprint. :)
I just made a fried hamburger. Deep fried. Well, I fried the outside to get that crisp outer then baked it. Not bad at all. Next time I think I will do it the other way around though. Delicious. I made fried potatoes yesterday. I'm seriously loving these fried foods. Oh, no worries. It's a fad. Though, while I experiment, I am learning a technique that will last me the rest of my cooking career. Fried fish, chicken, giblets, chops, and even cheaper cuts of beef, add variety. Further, it is one of the fastest methods of cooking out there. If you go to try it, remember... HOT! You want a drop of water to bring the oil to a boil. Just a drop though, even that can be slightly to very dangerous so USE CAUTION. Now that I have the oil right, I bet I can make fried chicken like my mother used to make it. The batter is my next trick to make it truly correct to memory. She used to make it with a thick crunchy exterior a quarter inch thick it seems. Yeah, that is the plan.
It snowed, that went away. Did it again. Snowed again just recently. That will be gone before long too. Very little snow this year, and the mountains only had 40% snow pack last I heard. But the rain has actually filled the reservoirs so it's all good. As I was telling a local man, though I'm not a farmer, living in farm country makes me 'pull for the team'. Who do city people pull for? Themselves, mostly.
The girls are doing well. Sassy is getting closer to being a lap cat. She is amazing and just over a year and a half or so (is it). Sam stays so slim and Sassy is such a chunk-0-catbunny. Same amount of food. I don't mind, and Sassy isn't rotund or anything, just chipmunk chubby. Sam must think she is going to try out for Cat Style Mag cover girl or something. Heh.
I have called my mom a time or two, tried to call my gal-pal, and tried to do a few things. I just can't keep anything on target for very long. I have much to do and no capacity to get to it. I am waking at midnight and staying up until somewhere between noon and 17:00. I am trying to stay up later, to adjust my day, it just isn't happening. I'm not yet back on medication, but it's... a goal.
That's that for that. Plus I got to use three "that"'s in a sentence, so hush. Later.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Ha-ha!
.
.
Hell's yeah. I got out tonight. Don't know why not last night or any day in the last week. At this point I don't care. I purchased enough food to last a week or two, and tobacco to last nearly two months. Since I didn't know when I would be in again I decided, after doing my major grocery shopping, to call my friend. While late I thought he might like the chance to get out. He did and so out we went. Nothing fancy. He picked up some bullets for reloading, I bought the one thing my usual store doesn't stock... the type of wet cat food I feed the girls. Then I grabbed a meal and ate it at his place while we watched some tube. Every time I see television again I am reminded why I dropped it. Commercials and all around shitty product between the aforementioned.
Really nice. I also sort of promised-suggested I would try to make it in again Monday. I am not sure I can, but... it's a goal. I let him know that too. I hope to go to Mass Monday, and maybe swim. Hmm, I need trunks that fit though. Everything I have is now too big, way too big. I'll have to figure that out. This weekend I hope to get my act together and finish my place. With the clothes and the bedding and most of the dishes sorted out, I need to do the sweeping, mopping, bathroom, picking up here and there.
What is the final goal? Well, I suppose all of those things ARE the final goal. Dreams of more are fading. Keeping myself and my home up, then doing what else is necessary, that will be as good as it gets and probably only something I will be able to do once in a while. I'm driving on three flat tires, I'll never get up to even highway speed, forget about 200 like I used to go. Not really complaining, we were only ever meant to go fast for so long anyway. Beyond that it becomes false bravado. If only I may truly know what has happened, I know I have nothing left to prove to men, or even women. To God? Well, that's an everyday thing now. I will always have to prove myself to Him. Personally, if not completely on the moral side just on the living side, I would guess I impress Him. The man with both no heart and all heart? Yeah, perhaps.
Well, on to things. Hmm, breaded fried chops and a salad are in the offing later, I believe. Yeah, I got some salad makings. I also bought spinach for some fresh steamed goop. Love that stuff, once an occasional. Mostly meats though, that's just what I do.
Good night.
.
Hell's yeah. I got out tonight. Don't know why not last night or any day in the last week. At this point I don't care. I purchased enough food to last a week or two, and tobacco to last nearly two months. Since I didn't know when I would be in again I decided, after doing my major grocery shopping, to call my friend. While late I thought he might like the chance to get out. He did and so out we went. Nothing fancy. He picked up some bullets for reloading, I bought the one thing my usual store doesn't stock... the type of wet cat food I feed the girls. Then I grabbed a meal and ate it at his place while we watched some tube. Every time I see television again I am reminded why I dropped it. Commercials and all around shitty product between the aforementioned.
Really nice. I also sort of promised-suggested I would try to make it in again Monday. I am not sure I can, but... it's a goal. I let him know that too. I hope to go to Mass Monday, and maybe swim. Hmm, I need trunks that fit though. Everything I have is now too big, way too big. I'll have to figure that out. This weekend I hope to get my act together and finish my place. With the clothes and the bedding and most of the dishes sorted out, I need to do the sweeping, mopping, bathroom, picking up here and there.
What is the final goal? Well, I suppose all of those things ARE the final goal. Dreams of more are fading. Keeping myself and my home up, then doing what else is necessary, that will be as good as it gets and probably only something I will be able to do once in a while. I'm driving on three flat tires, I'll never get up to even highway speed, forget about 200 like I used to go. Not really complaining, we were only ever meant to go fast for so long anyway. Beyond that it becomes false bravado. If only I may truly know what has happened, I know I have nothing left to prove to men, or even women. To God? Well, that's an everyday thing now. I will always have to prove myself to Him. Personally, if not completely on the moral side just on the living side, I would guess I impress Him. The man with both no heart and all heart? Yeah, perhaps.
Well, on to things. Hmm, breaded fried chops and a salad are in the offing later, I believe. Yeah, I got some salad makings. I also bought spinach for some fresh steamed goop. Love that stuff, once an occasional. Mostly meats though, that's just what I do.
Good night.
Friday, February 24, 2012
Bah!
.
.
Still haven't been able to get out. Not sure what the deal is. I did, however, change my bedding, leaving my bed to air out overnight. I have been eating, cooking, and tending the dishes rather well as well. I just can't get things arranged to get out. Everything is ready. I've taken care of my list. I honestly don't know what else to do. Then again, there was no 'window of opportunity'. Perhaps there are limits to what I can simply create out of thin air. It sounds impossibly stupid, when looked at directly. And yet it is the truth. I am stuck. At least I am stuck with clean clothes, mostly clean dishes, and a clean bed now. Oh, and I am clean too. All of that is an improvement, some are needed for when I finally am able to get out.
I simply don't know how to shake free. Eating well isn't doing it. I tried the Anacin to see if it would work twice. I think it only gave me a jolt because it was combined with relieving pain. There must not be enough of a hit of caffeine in them to otherwise give me the boost the first dose gave me recently. I would use a prybar if I knew where to apply it. Hah!
Well, later.
.
Still haven't been able to get out. Not sure what the deal is. I did, however, change my bedding, leaving my bed to air out overnight. I have been eating, cooking, and tending the dishes rather well as well. I just can't get things arranged to get out. Everything is ready. I've taken care of my list. I honestly don't know what else to do. Then again, there was no 'window of opportunity'. Perhaps there are limits to what I can simply create out of thin air. It sounds impossibly stupid, when looked at directly. And yet it is the truth. I am stuck. At least I am stuck with clean clothes, mostly clean dishes, and a clean bed now. Oh, and I am clean too. All of that is an improvement, some are needed for when I finally am able to get out.
I simply don't know how to shake free. Eating well isn't doing it. I tried the Anacin to see if it would work twice. I think it only gave me a jolt because it was combined with relieving pain. There must not be enough of a hit of caffeine in them to otherwise give me the boost the first dose gave me recently. I would use a prybar if I knew where to apply it. Hah!
Well, later.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Could be?
.
.
Tonight might really be the night that I escape my digs for the first time in... I don't even know when the last time I left was. It's not important to the task, to know. I've definitely had worse. And while I did sink into the morass a bit deeper than usual for out here, last winter was worse if for it's own particular reason. I am surprised I am climbing out on my own. That truly is a first, if an inconsequential thing if viewed from the outside. It must be like watching a fast slug compared to a slow slug. While relativism as a human notion is bunk, there are applications where it does apply. *grins*
I showered last night in prep to shower again tonight. Sounds silly but, just go with it. I fixed a more real meal tonight, spaghetti and meat sauce. This time I had a small collection of extra spices to add my own real touch to it. More garlic, of course. But also more oregano, a touch of my gnarly cayenne, a bit of cumin, and a few other things. My sauce does not taste like it was store-bought. It brings a twinge to the jowls like those bitter-sweet candies, only without the regret and not quite so sour. Loverly.
I see it is February 22nd already. Time flies when you are unaware. Oh, and I have been keeping up on dishes. I won't plan anything else beside going to the store tonight. I think that was my undoing last time. Too many things on my list and I bog down like a computer with bloatware! At least at this point. I also collected some of the trash, and all of the recycling, and that will be the one thing to do beside shopping, but it is as simple as going out with me as I leave. Bit by bit I am getting my feet back under me and my wind back. I'm just faking it at the moment but I can live with that.
Later.
.
Tonight might really be the night that I escape my digs for the first time in... I don't even know when the last time I left was. It's not important to the task, to know. I've definitely had worse. And while I did sink into the morass a bit deeper than usual for out here, last winter was worse if for it's own particular reason. I am surprised I am climbing out on my own. That truly is a first, if an inconsequential thing if viewed from the outside. It must be like watching a fast slug compared to a slow slug. While relativism as a human notion is bunk, there are applications where it does apply. *grins*
I showered last night in prep to shower again tonight. Sounds silly but, just go with it. I fixed a more real meal tonight, spaghetti and meat sauce. This time I had a small collection of extra spices to add my own real touch to it. More garlic, of course. But also more oregano, a touch of my gnarly cayenne, a bit of cumin, and a few other things. My sauce does not taste like it was store-bought. It brings a twinge to the jowls like those bitter-sweet candies, only without the regret and not quite so sour. Loverly.
I see it is February 22nd already. Time flies when you are unaware. Oh, and I have been keeping up on dishes. I won't plan anything else beside going to the store tonight. I think that was my undoing last time. Too many things on my list and I bog down like a computer with bloatware! At least at this point. I also collected some of the trash, and all of the recycling, and that will be the one thing to do beside shopping, but it is as simple as going out with me as I leave. Bit by bit I am getting my feet back under me and my wind back. I'm just faking it at the moment but I can live with that.
Later.
Moving on.
.
.
But not going very fast or very far. More dishes were done, including the cleanup for the last few meals. I redid the stove going over the whole thing this time. Just trying to keep up. Then a major headache hit and that was that. I haven't had a migraine in months, perhaps a year or more? I really ought to get back on my medicine. You would think I could just do... whatever. But I can't. I did play the game, it took my mind off the headache, mostly. I finally gave in and took aspirin, the type with caffeine, 1200 mg.
In other words, I didn't get out, I didn't change and wash my bedding, and I didn't finish the last of the dishes. So be it. I have today, or really tomorrow. I am doing what I can. For the moment I am stuck. I'll get there. Like I said, this is new territory. I am making a window, not simply going through one or trying to go through something presented to me. And, actually, I am pleased that I have come so far while blind. Blind you ask? Yes, when I am without... mind, body, something... I am blind in a way you can't quite know. Most of you have had times where you didn't know what what the moral, correct, right thing to do was. Just imagine if everything from eating to dressing to checking the mail, and definitely anything more complicated became just as... unsure to you. It is a type of blindness, though I am not sure what it is I don't see, only that I can't figure things out. If you have watched (or better read) The Lord of the Rings series, the Nazgûl might be a type of similar irregularity. They don't have normal spacial reasoning among other things. They 'understood' differently. Just... a sort of example. Never mind, just trying to explain. To you and me.
The medicine worked, the headache is mostly gone, but it is nearing bedtime. I try to stay up between 15 and 18 hours a day, sleeping between six and eight hours. I am not using my alarm clock though. When I am in this sort of haze, an alarm clock will irritate me to sleep longer, to try and escape it or... ignore it... or beat it... or surrender... or something. I haven't figured out how things work in the fog, I just know that a few things do function differently and know some of them. Not all of them. Footdragging seems to be a method of sanity for me, in these times. I suppose that is how I have survived so long with such a bad heart? Probably.
Well, on to a bit more gaming before I crash. This is becoming quite annoying, even with my modest but appreciable and real successes. Later.
.
But not going very fast or very far. More dishes were done, including the cleanup for the last few meals. I redid the stove going over the whole thing this time. Just trying to keep up. Then a major headache hit and that was that. I haven't had a migraine in months, perhaps a year or more? I really ought to get back on my medicine. You would think I could just do... whatever. But I can't. I did play the game, it took my mind off the headache, mostly. I finally gave in and took aspirin, the type with caffeine, 1200 mg.
In other words, I didn't get out, I didn't change and wash my bedding, and I didn't finish the last of the dishes. So be it. I have today, or really tomorrow. I am doing what I can. For the moment I am stuck. I'll get there. Like I said, this is new territory. I am making a window, not simply going through one or trying to go through something presented to me. And, actually, I am pleased that I have come so far while blind. Blind you ask? Yes, when I am without... mind, body, something... I am blind in a way you can't quite know. Most of you have had times where you didn't know what what the moral, correct, right thing to do was. Just imagine if everything from eating to dressing to checking the mail, and definitely anything more complicated became just as... unsure to you. It is a type of blindness, though I am not sure what it is I don't see, only that I can't figure things out. If you have watched (or better read) The Lord of the Rings series, the Nazgûl might be a type of similar irregularity. They don't have normal spacial reasoning among other things. They 'understood' differently. Just... a sort of example. Never mind, just trying to explain. To you and me.
The medicine worked, the headache is mostly gone, but it is nearing bedtime. I try to stay up between 15 and 18 hours a day, sleeping between six and eight hours. I am not using my alarm clock though. When I am in this sort of haze, an alarm clock will irritate me to sleep longer, to try and escape it or... ignore it... or beat it... or surrender... or something. I haven't figured out how things work in the fog, I just know that a few things do function differently and know some of them. Not all of them. Footdragging seems to be a method of sanity for me, in these times. I suppose that is how I have survived so long with such a bad heart? Probably.
Well, on to a bit more gaming before I crash. This is becoming quite annoying, even with my modest but appreciable and real successes. Later.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Deep fried chicken gizzards.
.
.
In lard. Like I said, my arteries are clean as a whistle, I don't have gout, and I doubt if it would matter anyway. I have a strong suspicion that most "food science" is about as politically motivated as "global warming"(tm). The more they have gotten people to eat less meat and fat, the fatter people have gotten. Then again, with an aging, dying, population, that is just what happens. Only a few genetically special people remain svelte their whole lives. Well, those and the moderately poor and those too foolish to use their slim moneys for food.
I am hoping tonight is the night to sneak out. I just haven't been up to it so far. It's not, always, that I have an order by which to do things that cannot be altered, save for having clean clothes but that is fair. It has to do with having enough stored energy, or the sense that I do, to risk leaving my home. Like a very long drive with no gas stations, if you aren't sure your vehicle will make it don't take the risk. While I am almost certain, and have never failed, to go out and come back, I realize this is just a sensory thing. Then again, I have seen the devistation to my life when I push too hard too fast. Eventually it will be fatal, one way or another.
The fried gizzards where splendid. I kept trying to figure out how my mother made them so crispy. When we were kids, she made them ever so often. And her regular fried chicken was the stuff of county fair blue ribbon material. I figured it out, hot. Not just a little, not mostly. HOT. And you really have to keep an eye on those things while they are in. But crispy? If I can make this and fried chicken like this every time, if it wasn't unconstitutional, I'd marry myself! Sex wouldn't suffer (can't). *shrug* And, no, I'm not a narcissist. But who marries for love anyway. But excellent fried foods? You bet!
And, yeah, all of my meal dishes are soaking. I need to redo the sudsy water and try and kick out more of the remnants of the other dishes that remain. Something about a clean, tidy, decent to live in home that makes one happier to be alive. My mother had here faults. She had here qualities too. Beside letting us know, very often, that she loved us she instilled in us manners, propriety, and certain ethics, including work ethic. I had thought the work ethic failed on me but I think I was a bit ill even back then. Not at disability levels, just... a nagging lack of energy at times. And she did it mostly on her own. Two boys who would otherwise have been orphanage rats. I like to think she did the world, and us, a great favor. She did what she could with what she had, and like most country girls, that ain't bad.
Yeah, yeah, I know. A soaking of some dishes, stripping of the bed to air out, a bit of laundry, and a few hours of gaming in between, and maybe to town tonight. The cats are getting very long in the face about hard cat food. And I really have to keep an eye on water for them now too. Still, it's good for them to learn to live lean from tine to time. In summer I ought to go solely to hard cat food to induce mousing. And I am thinking about having weekends be hard cat food only days... call it 'chef's holiday'.
Later.
.
In lard. Like I said, my arteries are clean as a whistle, I don't have gout, and I doubt if it would matter anyway. I have a strong suspicion that most "food science" is about as politically motivated as "global warming"(tm). The more they have gotten people to eat less meat and fat, the fatter people have gotten. Then again, with an aging, dying, population, that is just what happens. Only a few genetically special people remain svelte their whole lives. Well, those and the moderately poor and those too foolish to use their slim moneys for food.
I am hoping tonight is the night to sneak out. I just haven't been up to it so far. It's not, always, that I have an order by which to do things that cannot be altered, save for having clean clothes but that is fair. It has to do with having enough stored energy, or the sense that I do, to risk leaving my home. Like a very long drive with no gas stations, if you aren't sure your vehicle will make it don't take the risk. While I am almost certain, and have never failed, to go out and come back, I realize this is just a sensory thing. Then again, I have seen the devistation to my life when I push too hard too fast. Eventually it will be fatal, one way or another.
The fried gizzards where splendid. I kept trying to figure out how my mother made them so crispy. When we were kids, she made them ever so often. And her regular fried chicken was the stuff of county fair blue ribbon material. I figured it out, hot. Not just a little, not mostly. HOT. And you really have to keep an eye on those things while they are in. But crispy? If I can make this and fried chicken like this every time, if it wasn't unconstitutional, I'd marry myself! Sex wouldn't suffer (can't). *shrug* And, no, I'm not a narcissist. But who marries for love anyway. But excellent fried foods? You bet!
And, yeah, all of my meal dishes are soaking. I need to redo the sudsy water and try and kick out more of the remnants of the other dishes that remain. Something about a clean, tidy, decent to live in home that makes one happier to be alive. My mother had here faults. She had here qualities too. Beside letting us know, very often, that she loved us she instilled in us manners, propriety, and certain ethics, including work ethic. I had thought the work ethic failed on me but I think I was a bit ill even back then. Not at disability levels, just... a nagging lack of energy at times. And she did it mostly on her own. Two boys who would otherwise have been orphanage rats. I like to think she did the world, and us, a great favor. She did what she could with what she had, and like most country girls, that ain't bad.
Yeah, yeah, I know. A soaking of some dishes, stripping of the bed to air out, a bit of laundry, and a few hours of gaming in between, and maybe to town tonight. The cats are getting very long in the face about hard cat food. And I really have to keep an eye on water for them now too. Still, it's good for them to learn to live lean from tine to time. In summer I ought to go solely to hard cat food to induce mousing. And I am thinking about having weekends be hard cat food only days... call it 'chef's holiday'.
Later.
Dishes.
.
.
After days of monkeying around with the drain plug I just went back to the trusty old dishpan. Well, that and the other-other sink. Two loads and two pots done, plus the stove top receiving a proper scrubbing. While there are some things I don't like about glass top stoves, their fragility spooks me, there is much to like. Cleanup is an absolute breeze.
With laundry done, save bedding, and dishes well over half way completed, I simply need to police the place up a bit, take out the trash and recycling, redo my bed, and life will be back to some sort of sanity. I hope, yet tonight, to sneak out. I need to check my mail, get more canned cat food, milk, and a few other things. I am thawing chicken gizzards, hamburger, and a couple of t-bones currently. I need to keep the food supply up or this will all fail. It may anyway, but food is vital.
Oh, yeah, I ought to grab some more salami and cheese. It makes for a perfect meal. And while expensive, even the $10 chunk lasts for four meals or so. Too rich to just down, especially with some cheese and crackers on the side. Cheese can be pricey too, but as with the sausages, it goes a long way. Let me see, $20 over 5 meals is $4. I think I can do that. I am not sure I have much choice. Only beans and rice are cheaper but I need meat in there which shoots the cost way up. You just can't get away without spending, and spending, and spending. Even when you think you don't have it.
I was trying to figure out what day today was. Then I realized I didn't know which week in the month it is. I finally realized I have no idea what month it is. I still haven't checked. I would guess it's February but I simply don't know. I would actually say I think it is January I just don't want to sound dated. :p
Well, I will need a shower before going to town. I am not sure I am up to it. If not, I am getting much closer. Later.
.
After days of monkeying around with the drain plug I just went back to the trusty old dishpan. Well, that and the other-other sink. Two loads and two pots done, plus the stove top receiving a proper scrubbing. While there are some things I don't like about glass top stoves, their fragility spooks me, there is much to like. Cleanup is an absolute breeze.
With laundry done, save bedding, and dishes well over half way completed, I simply need to police the place up a bit, take out the trash and recycling, redo my bed, and life will be back to some sort of sanity. I hope, yet tonight, to sneak out. I need to check my mail, get more canned cat food, milk, and a few other things. I am thawing chicken gizzards, hamburger, and a couple of t-bones currently. I need to keep the food supply up or this will all fail. It may anyway, but food is vital.
Oh, yeah, I ought to grab some more salami and cheese. It makes for a perfect meal. And while expensive, even the $10 chunk lasts for four meals or so. Too rich to just down, especially with some cheese and crackers on the side. Cheese can be pricey too, but as with the sausages, it goes a long way. Let me see, $20 over 5 meals is $4. I think I can do that. I am not sure I have much choice. Only beans and rice are cheaper but I need meat in there which shoots the cost way up. You just can't get away without spending, and spending, and spending. Even when you think you don't have it.
I was trying to figure out what day today was. Then I realized I didn't know which week in the month it is. I finally realized I have no idea what month it is. I still haven't checked. I would guess it's February but I simply don't know. I would actually say I think it is January I just don't want to sound dated. :p
Well, I will need a shower before going to town. I am not sure I am up to it. If not, I am getting much closer. Later.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Hmm, well, let's try that again.
.
.
Was all geared to go out last night. No clothes, no clean clothes anyway. So, through the night, I have done about six loads of laundry. I folded, hung, and put away all as appropriate save a large basket of socks that need sorted. I would have done dishes along with it but for some reason my sink simply won't hold water. Damn plugs. Never you mind, I'll figure it out. With clean clothes I am more sure to get to town tonight or tomorrow. I am still... grinding my way through this. Stupid heart just isn't there. And it's not just the gaming keeping me occupied. My wounds aren't healing. A sign that what is ailing me is quite real and very physical.
Not much else to report. It was good to get the laundry done though. Next, the bedding and dishes, if I can get the sink to plug up properly. I may look around online, see if anyone has advice about that. Whatever.
Later.
.
Was all geared to go out last night. No clothes, no clean clothes anyway. So, through the night, I have done about six loads of laundry. I folded, hung, and put away all as appropriate save a large basket of socks that need sorted. I would have done dishes along with it but for some reason my sink simply won't hold water. Damn plugs. Never you mind, I'll figure it out. With clean clothes I am more sure to get to town tonight or tomorrow. I am still... grinding my way through this. Stupid heart just isn't there. And it's not just the gaming keeping me occupied. My wounds aren't healing. A sign that what is ailing me is quite real and very physical.
Not much else to report. It was good to get the laundry done though. Next, the bedding and dishes, if I can get the sink to plug up properly. I may look around online, see if anyone has advice about that. Whatever.
Later.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
No window.
.
.
I'm not seeing a way through. So, for the first time in memory, I am going to try to make my own path. To that end, I roasted a chuck roast the other day to feed up, then roasted enough chicken to see me through a few days of good solid eating. I got a shower in today, and the phone is charged. I plan on another shower, then a trip to town tonight to tend shopping needs. Perhaps tomorrow afternoon, or the day after as I can't make promises yet, I will go in and get my friend out of his place. I don't know if it will work, but there it is. Oh, and I need to get back on medicine. Tonight or tomorrow I will be resetting my medi-set.
I just don't have what it takes. Everything I do is a major effort. While I enjoy the games, they actually become more like work as I go to the higher levels and try to carve out specific plans. I tend to think games do enhance intelligence, if they are played at the harder levels and without cheats. No pain no gain works for the mind as much as it works for the body, and hard game modes are painful at times. The games don't add to my life in some ways, and yet that create something I can do in my time, at my pace, and at the level of difficulty I am prepared to participate with.
I best get going. A bit more gaming, then a shower and to town. I don't know how well it will work just forcing things. But at this point it is as much as I can do and the only option I have. I am absolutely tired of being sick and tired! :P Life is still good, it just has no meaning currently. I'd like to fix that.
Later.
.
I'm not seeing a way through. So, for the first time in memory, I am going to try to make my own path. To that end, I roasted a chuck roast the other day to feed up, then roasted enough chicken to see me through a few days of good solid eating. I got a shower in today, and the phone is charged. I plan on another shower, then a trip to town tonight to tend shopping needs. Perhaps tomorrow afternoon, or the day after as I can't make promises yet, I will go in and get my friend out of his place. I don't know if it will work, but there it is. Oh, and I need to get back on medicine. Tonight or tomorrow I will be resetting my medi-set.
I just don't have what it takes. Everything I do is a major effort. While I enjoy the games, they actually become more like work as I go to the higher levels and try to carve out specific plans. I tend to think games do enhance intelligence, if they are played at the harder levels and without cheats. No pain no gain works for the mind as much as it works for the body, and hard game modes are painful at times. The games don't add to my life in some ways, and yet that create something I can do in my time, at my pace, and at the level of difficulty I am prepared to participate with.
I best get going. A bit more gaming, then a shower and to town. I don't know how well it will work just forcing things. But at this point it is as much as I can do and the only option I have. I am absolutely tired of being sick and tired! :P Life is still good, it just has no meaning currently. I'd like to fix that.
Later.
Oh, right. I am still in here, are you still out there?
.
.
Time flies when you aren't aware. Last I knew it was... the 25th? Yeah. Now it's already the 17th or 18th or something. I think I've been out of the house once in that time, maybe twice. I've been out of soda for days, that always gives me huge headaches. I'm almost out of tobacco. I buy tobacco for two months at a time now, when I can. Running out of that and not being able to get out is really harsh, especially when added to the effects of caffeine withdrawal. Never mind.
My friend has called a number of times. My lady friend called too. Lots of email. I couldn't have answered or read, my phone has been dead for... a week, two? Just not on things right now. The phone still isn't charged enough to use yet but I am not ready to get out in any case. I hope to sneak out in the next day or night or two to take care of my own stuff first, as I don't have what it takes, atm, to shop for myself and help my friend browse at the same time. If I take care of my needs first, then I can go in and just let him go where he wants and get what he needs or wants.
Gaming is going well. The game I am playing is non-linear and a bit buggy. It's a fantastic game but it has it's drawbacks. What I mean when I say non-linear is that missions can be done in a large number of orders which makes going back to replay something very difficult unless you save after every mission and catalog the saves somehow, as you don't get to name the saves. It's not perfectly designed, either, in that if you do the missions one way, you may not get something. And more, the way to "win" doesn't always work. The gameplay is fun, and varied though.
I took a shower today. Absolutely wonderful things, showers that is. I am sure a bath would be even better but you have to draw it, then figure out how to keep it hot, and... all that stuff. I'm not sure why women love baths as much as they seem to do? It seems like a lot of work to my mind. Or at least a lot of fuss. Hmm, they don't have to stand? I dunno. Then again, like I have any real clue about the human female mind. Though I have come to suspect that they rarely have a grasp of their own mind, wants, and needs either. How did I get on the subject of women? Bah!
Later.
.
Time flies when you aren't aware. Last I knew it was... the 25th? Yeah. Now it's already the 17th or 18th or something. I think I've been out of the house once in that time, maybe twice. I've been out of soda for days, that always gives me huge headaches. I'm almost out of tobacco. I buy tobacco for two months at a time now, when I can. Running out of that and not being able to get out is really harsh, especially when added to the effects of caffeine withdrawal. Never mind.
My friend has called a number of times. My lady friend called too. Lots of email. I couldn't have answered or read, my phone has been dead for... a week, two? Just not on things right now. The phone still isn't charged enough to use yet but I am not ready to get out in any case. I hope to sneak out in the next day or night or two to take care of my own stuff first, as I don't have what it takes, atm, to shop for myself and help my friend browse at the same time. If I take care of my needs first, then I can go in and just let him go where he wants and get what he needs or wants.
Gaming is going well. The game I am playing is non-linear and a bit buggy. It's a fantastic game but it has it's drawbacks. What I mean when I say non-linear is that missions can be done in a large number of orders which makes going back to replay something very difficult unless you save after every mission and catalog the saves somehow, as you don't get to name the saves. It's not perfectly designed, either, in that if you do the missions one way, you may not get something. And more, the way to "win" doesn't always work. The gameplay is fun, and varied though.
I took a shower today. Absolutely wonderful things, showers that is. I am sure a bath would be even better but you have to draw it, then figure out how to keep it hot, and... all that stuff. I'm not sure why women love baths as much as they seem to do? It seems like a lot of work to my mind. Or at least a lot of fuss. Hmm, they don't have to stand? I dunno. Then again, like I have any real clue about the human female mind. Though I have come to suspect that they rarely have a grasp of their own mind, wants, and needs either. How did I get on the subject of women? Bah!
Later.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Weird.
.
.
Despite not knowing the day of the week, or... much else regarding the outside world, I have been eating fairly well. And, somehow, losing significant belly size. I'm slimming down. I haven't been this "slim" since I first became ill. Though, to be fair, much of the medicine I have been asked to take caused weight gain, and further the real cause of my illness caused me to gain water weight excessively. Still, it is fantastic to be slimming down, if my clothes, even the newer smaller clothes, are beginning to seem more like gunny sacks than clothes. I still weigh 270, so it doesn't make sense. I guess it is all a matter of were you lose and what you lose.
I haven't been able to get to anything, pretty much. Gaming, still, continues. And I play incredibly long spells. I quit the gaming and I just end up sleeping and even more confused, so I will keep it. Medicines... I keep dropping off that. I just don't understand. It used to be easy to take. I need to reset the medicine container and begin trying it again. As I said, I have been eating. Two meals a "day", and decent meals. They are neither too big, mostly, nor too small. I can't keep up with the six meal a day thing, but when I can I will get back to that. Just a bite, now and again. Never hungry, never full. But it is a high maintenance operation when you add in shopping, prep, cooking, and cleaning. Fruits just don't do it for me, even when paired with peanut butter or something.
I absolutely destroy games. Now, I don't get every last detail known, and how it functions. But for using (mostly) unscientific methods, I learn how to crack a game open, rip it apart, and assemble the play to my liking within (and sometimes outside a bit) of the design. While it is not profitable, I learn nothing functionally useful for the world in general in real terms, and some other problems, it does give me problems I can solve given the energy I have. It gives me something nearly real to do. And it keeps me out of that FUCKING bed. Sorry. I just hate being bed-bound. I hate being even more down and out, confused, in pain.
I'm thinking about life. I just don't have a way back to it. But it is good. I'm not in bed and I don't think my health is deteriorating. I think diabetes is on the retreat as well. Later.
.
Despite not knowing the day of the week, or... much else regarding the outside world, I have been eating fairly well. And, somehow, losing significant belly size. I'm slimming down. I haven't been this "slim" since I first became ill. Though, to be fair, much of the medicine I have been asked to take caused weight gain, and further the real cause of my illness caused me to gain water weight excessively. Still, it is fantastic to be slimming down, if my clothes, even the newer smaller clothes, are beginning to seem more like gunny sacks than clothes. I still weigh 270, so it doesn't make sense. I guess it is all a matter of were you lose and what you lose.
I haven't been able to get to anything, pretty much. Gaming, still, continues. And I play incredibly long spells. I quit the gaming and I just end up sleeping and even more confused, so I will keep it. Medicines... I keep dropping off that. I just don't understand. It used to be easy to take. I need to reset the medicine container and begin trying it again. As I said, I have been eating. Two meals a "day", and decent meals. They are neither too big, mostly, nor too small. I can't keep up with the six meal a day thing, but when I can I will get back to that. Just a bite, now and again. Never hungry, never full. But it is a high maintenance operation when you add in shopping, prep, cooking, and cleaning. Fruits just don't do it for me, even when paired with peanut butter or something.
I absolutely destroy games. Now, I don't get every last detail known, and how it functions. But for using (mostly) unscientific methods, I learn how to crack a game open, rip it apart, and assemble the play to my liking within (and sometimes outside a bit) of the design. While it is not profitable, I learn nothing functionally useful for the world in general in real terms, and some other problems, it does give me problems I can solve given the energy I have. It gives me something nearly real to do. And it keeps me out of that FUCKING bed. Sorry. I just hate being bed-bound. I hate being even more down and out, confused, in pain.
I'm thinking about life. I just don't have a way back to it. But it is good. I'm not in bed and I don't think my health is deteriorating. I think diabetes is on the retreat as well. Later.
Friday, February 10, 2012
A fluke. Bah!
.
.
The few good days I had seem to have been more of a kind accident than a path forward. My days and nights are all messed up again. I've fallen and hard. At least the game keeps me occupied, so that I am not sleeping all of the time. And, yes, that is a nice thing. When you sleep for many hours a day, or even days on end, the world seriously gets out of control.
I am continuing medicines and food, mostly. Dishes are, of course, becoming a problem again. Well, and laundry, neatness, vacuuming, sweeping, mopping, KoC work, other efforts. It's all conspiring to... not get done. I have been feeding the cats, too. Though I really need to change the litter boxes. I simply can't quite think myself to action. I don't have that vital something. I had hoped getting out would do it. I hoped too that the tree work (little of it that I did) would shake me up. Nope. I really just want to sleep. I don't even want to play the stupid game. How odd, having to force yourself to play video games? As a gamer?
I never said it would make sense. I try to make sense, but my world, my reality, they don't work out no matter how well designed the equation. My heart should have given out long ago. And my sanity, from being falsely accused of being mentally ill, should have collapsed. I shouldn't be able to do the things I can do. I shouldn't be able to even scrape by on my own. Should, could, would, all have meanings. In my world though those meanings are suspended.
Still trying to angle toward recovery. I just don't have anything to grasp at that might get me there at this time. There is no window. I am just here. Never mind, this will pass. Good night or day or something like that.
.
The few good days I had seem to have been more of a kind accident than a path forward. My days and nights are all messed up again. I've fallen and hard. At least the game keeps me occupied, so that I am not sleeping all of the time. And, yes, that is a nice thing. When you sleep for many hours a day, or even days on end, the world seriously gets out of control.
I am continuing medicines and food, mostly. Dishes are, of course, becoming a problem again. Well, and laundry, neatness, vacuuming, sweeping, mopping, KoC work, other efforts. It's all conspiring to... not get done. I have been feeding the cats, too. Though I really need to change the litter boxes. I simply can't quite think myself to action. I don't have that vital something. I had hoped getting out would do it. I hoped too that the tree work (little of it that I did) would shake me up. Nope. I really just want to sleep. I don't even want to play the stupid game. How odd, having to force yourself to play video games? As a gamer?
I never said it would make sense. I try to make sense, but my world, my reality, they don't work out no matter how well designed the equation. My heart should have given out long ago. And my sanity, from being falsely accused of being mentally ill, should have collapsed. I shouldn't be able to do the things I can do. I shouldn't be able to even scrape by on my own. Should, could, would, all have meanings. In my world though those meanings are suspended.
Still trying to angle toward recovery. I just don't have anything to grasp at that might get me there at this time. There is no window. I am just here. Never mind, this will pass. Good night or day or something like that.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Getting back on my feet.
.
.
Two days, two goals. Done. I didn't get to Church again today, but I wasn't sure that was possible anyway. I seem to be doing a bit better, a lot better. Tomorrow the goal is to make it to Mass, go swimming for the first time, and then visit my friend. I have checked for a price for another pistol he wants to buy. I might be able to get him a slightly better price through my contacts. New, all else same-same, it is just that the seller is pretty much simply not looking for profit and has no overhead.
Not much else in the news here. Good night.
.
Two days, two goals. Done. I didn't get to Church again today, but I wasn't sure that was possible anyway. I seem to be doing a bit better, a lot better. Tomorrow the goal is to make it to Mass, go swimming for the first time, and then visit my friend. I have checked for a price for another pistol he wants to buy. I might be able to get him a slightly better price through my contacts. New, all else same-same, it is just that the seller is pretty much simply not looking for profit and has no overhead.
Not much else in the news here. Good night.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Awake and in time?
.
.
I am awake and considering Mass. It is just a matter of watching the clock closely enough that a shower and getting dressed in time. It's a minor trick for most of you, a major one for me at times. Alarms don't really work, not when I am like this. It's more a matter of having the strength of mind to remain focused. It's a goal. No more than that. I can't allow myself to become too upset about missing a goal, it then just comes to focusing on the next goal should I succeed or fail.
For the next three days, today included, I have timed events. Oh, and I just received an appointment card for the 7th to top those things off. As well, I hope my goggles arrive in time to begin swimming on the 5th. Every other day with swimming, along with Mass mostly. Thankfully gas prices have dropped just a bit.
I have been keeping up on eating, but the kitchen needs some... work. So that goes though. Between food and medicine I have been able to keep from simply not being for a while. An empty husk I may be, but aware enough and with some memory. I at least know I have missed something. Crazy from lame, I suppose. Still it's better to coast than free-fall.
I really want to get that automatic cat litter box. That would make me and the cats very happy. Automation, it's your friend. Gaming is going well. You really don't learn much from them, not even how to play the next game. What I would love is a game that actually requires you to learn math and science facts in a functional manner. I think people would be surprised how well that went over. Seriously, calc and physics based games where you have to use the basics to launch attacks, or figure out puzzles. I'd buy it, I just can't write it. No fudging though. Engineering students (gamers) would eat it up.
Best get going. Later.
.
I am awake and considering Mass. It is just a matter of watching the clock closely enough that a shower and getting dressed in time. It's a minor trick for most of you, a major one for me at times. Alarms don't really work, not when I am like this. It's more a matter of having the strength of mind to remain focused. It's a goal. No more than that. I can't allow myself to become too upset about missing a goal, it then just comes to focusing on the next goal should I succeed or fail.
For the next three days, today included, I have timed events. Oh, and I just received an appointment card for the 7th to top those things off. As well, I hope my goggles arrive in time to begin swimming on the 5th. Every other day with swimming, along with Mass mostly. Thankfully gas prices have dropped just a bit.
I have been keeping up on eating, but the kitchen needs some... work. So that goes though. Between food and medicine I have been able to keep from simply not being for a while. An empty husk I may be, but aware enough and with some memory. I at least know I have missed something. Crazy from lame, I suppose. Still it's better to coast than free-fall.
I really want to get that automatic cat litter box. That would make me and the cats very happy. Automation, it's your friend. Gaming is going well. You really don't learn much from them, not even how to play the next game. What I would love is a game that actually requires you to learn math and science facts in a functional manner. I think people would be surprised how well that went over. Seriously, calc and physics based games where you have to use the basics to launch attacks, or figure out puzzles. I'd buy it, I just can't write it. No fudging though. Engineering students (gamers) would eat it up.
Best get going. Later.
Perfect, perhaps not.
.
.
But I am off my butt. At least for today. My friend called, but he has been calling for a few days, off and on, I think. Yeah, yeah, I heard the calls. No one was home. Just because I hear it doesn't mean I can do a thing about it. It busts me up too. It reminds me of those times when I was truly torn up in a hospital somewhere, lying on my back, and the phone would ring. I really am no better at answering the damned thing now than then. At least it gives me a goal. It is real, somehow. Oh, and I finally got in and joined the gym. Just for the pool at the moment. But that could change.
I keep looking at the chainsaws. The man that came and cut the tree had the exact one I am considering, a Husqvarna 455 Rancher. He takes about eight trees a year, he would guess. And he likes it quite well. He said that or a Stihl. After a bit of research, it was suggested that either would be fine, if there was a local dealership and repair shop. So, a bit of digging and? I find a repair shop for each, locally. More than that, I find a shop that sells and services both brands. A good place to visit, don't you think? I have a lot of wood to dice up and more branches to bring down. And I might know a way to it.
More than that, plans are in the works. I have a Mass to attend tomorrow. Don't know how, I just know I have to get there. It's making it on time, I have no... measure or rhythm that allows me to... gauge time? I don't see it coming or going. It would be like you, while drifting at sea after a few weeks, to be able to see a wave and then touch it, or... something crazy like that. Anyway, Mass tomorrow. Then catching a football game, the game, with my friend in Logan on Sunday, and maybe another Mass. No, I just like to go to Mass. I really do, I am simply fettered.
As well, I have an appointment for a haircut next Thursday and a meal two Wednesdays from now, so about two and a half weeks away. I invited the man who cut the limb, and his wife. I hope to have the wood cut up for him by then, and my home cleaned. Ugh! And, swimming Monday, along with Mass and taking my friend out to shoot one of his pistols. He is getting 'shooting cranky'. It's almost as bad as a young man not getting any female attention. As well, I need to get going on some KoC affairs and making appointments with the V.A. I clean missed two of those. I saw them coming, sort of. And I saw that I had passed them. Like the wave to the sea-blind man, I could not touch them, couldn't even see them as real. Yeah, yeah. Believe me, I try.
So, plans and more plans. Some things done, more to do. So be it. I will do what I can. This crazy lameness has gone on far too long. Hup! Go, go, go! *shhhh* Just... do it while they aren't watching.
.
But I am off my butt. At least for today. My friend called, but he has been calling for a few days, off and on, I think. Yeah, yeah, I heard the calls. No one was home. Just because I hear it doesn't mean I can do a thing about it. It busts me up too. It reminds me of those times when I was truly torn up in a hospital somewhere, lying on my back, and the phone would ring. I really am no better at answering the damned thing now than then. At least it gives me a goal. It is real, somehow. Oh, and I finally got in and joined the gym. Just for the pool at the moment. But that could change.
I keep looking at the chainsaws. The man that came and cut the tree had the exact one I am considering, a Husqvarna 455 Rancher. He takes about eight trees a year, he would guess. And he likes it quite well. He said that or a Stihl. After a bit of research, it was suggested that either would be fine, if there was a local dealership and repair shop. So, a bit of digging and? I find a repair shop for each, locally. More than that, I find a shop that sells and services both brands. A good place to visit, don't you think? I have a lot of wood to dice up and more branches to bring down. And I might know a way to it.
More than that, plans are in the works. I have a Mass to attend tomorrow. Don't know how, I just know I have to get there. It's making it on time, I have no... measure or rhythm that allows me to... gauge time? I don't see it coming or going. It would be like you, while drifting at sea after a few weeks, to be able to see a wave and then touch it, or... something crazy like that. Anyway, Mass tomorrow. Then catching a football game, the game, with my friend in Logan on Sunday, and maybe another Mass. No, I just like to go to Mass. I really do, I am simply fettered.
As well, I have an appointment for a haircut next Thursday and a meal two Wednesdays from now, so about two and a half weeks away. I invited the man who cut the limb, and his wife. I hope to have the wood cut up for him by then, and my home cleaned. Ugh! And, swimming Monday, along with Mass and taking my friend out to shoot one of his pistols. He is getting 'shooting cranky'. It's almost as bad as a young man not getting any female attention. As well, I need to get going on some KoC affairs and making appointments with the V.A. I clean missed two of those. I saw them coming, sort of. And I saw that I had passed them. Like the wave to the sea-blind man, I could not touch them, couldn't even see them as real. Yeah, yeah. Believe me, I try.
So, plans and more plans. Some things done, more to do. So be it. I will do what I can. This crazy lameness has gone on far too long. Hup! Go, go, go! *shhhh* Just... do it while they aren't watching.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Alive and... something.
.
.
Life is simply moving forward, pretty much without me. No serious problems, mostly. The things that exist are beyond my ability to manage at the moment, little and big things. I am, for the most part, back on a day schedule, for what it matters. I am pretty much just alive, not quite living. I wish I could say it was the gaming. The gaming is helping me to regulate my days and stay awake. When I don't play I simply end up sleeping long cycles, running into days.
I would still like to figure out how to set up the 'day lamp'. It is not that it takes a great deal of effort, but it means making choices, creating space, figuring out how to plug it in, minor things that attack my fragile consciousness like mosquitoes attacking my body in heavily wooded swampy areas.
I'm working on working on things. I am back on my medicines, after many tries. The last week has seen to regular taking of medicine. I don't take it perfectly, sometimes remembering later in the day to take my "morning" dose, and then taking my evening dose shortly following. That is as good as I have been able to do in quite some time. The medicine, at times, will help me take it simply through whatever it does for me. Not now. It is a struggle.
I may need to buy a chain saw. A very large limb came down out back. Further, I may need to learn a bit about electricity and risk turning off electricity. The branch snagged one of the power lines to one of the outbuildings. This whole process will be somewhat risky. The missionaries plan to help. Just having someone around in case I... do something else exciting and interesting will be good. At least they could call 911 for an evac.
Enough for now. Just letting you know that I am alive. Later.
.
Life is simply moving forward, pretty much without me. No serious problems, mostly. The things that exist are beyond my ability to manage at the moment, little and big things. I am, for the most part, back on a day schedule, for what it matters. I am pretty much just alive, not quite living. I wish I could say it was the gaming. The gaming is helping me to regulate my days and stay awake. When I don't play I simply end up sleeping long cycles, running into days.
I would still like to figure out how to set up the 'day lamp'. It is not that it takes a great deal of effort, but it means making choices, creating space, figuring out how to plug it in, minor things that attack my fragile consciousness like mosquitoes attacking my body in heavily wooded swampy areas.
I'm working on working on things. I am back on my medicines, after many tries. The last week has seen to regular taking of medicine. I don't take it perfectly, sometimes remembering later in the day to take my "morning" dose, and then taking my evening dose shortly following. That is as good as I have been able to do in quite some time. The medicine, at times, will help me take it simply through whatever it does for me. Not now. It is a struggle.
I may need to buy a chain saw. A very large limb came down out back. Further, I may need to learn a bit about electricity and risk turning off electricity. The branch snagged one of the power lines to one of the outbuildings. This whole process will be somewhat risky. The missionaries plan to help. Just having someone around in case I... do something else exciting and interesting will be good. At least they could call 911 for an evac.
Enough for now. Just letting you know that I am alive. Later.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Clear skies.
.
.
And, actually, very little snow on the ground. Much of it melted. The ground here just wasn't cold enough to pile the snow on, with the rain for the last few days softening and warming it all up. It, thankfully, doesn't look too slick either. I really enjoy having mountains to look out my window. More the reason to open my curtains.
I slept until about 6:00. My sleep is not very satisfying lately. No matter. I am eating and sleeping much more regularly, even if I don't feel like it. Something odd I am finding is that, in my games, the periods where my reflexes are the fastest have no correlation with how I feel. Whether I feel very tired or not, that is, I can be at my best. I don't understand that at all. I would have thought that when I am very tired feeling that I would also not be fast in the game. I really don't understand this illness. Now, when I am tired, I don't always feel like playing, but sometimes I do anyway. Which is why, in part, I am a gamer. It eats time, it keeps me somewhat more functional, and really... it keeps me out of bed. I hate being bed-bound. I hate it when I can't stay up.
I think I need a nap, so morning Mass is probably out. I don't mind naps, if I can keep them to just an hour or two. It is when they begin to take over my days and stretch for many hours, ruining my work and changing my schedule around that "naps" become a problem. And, fight it as I may, often it matters little. If I have to sleep then I have to sleep. I don't have any tools to fight that at times. I just wish the medicines, now that I am back on them more regularly, might help more. It might be the diabetes kicking back in though too. The V.A. finally sent those. They must have realized I hadn't picked them up (they sent the scripts to a local pharmacy, but though it was on my list, I simply couldn't be there, on time, to get them, in a timely fashion). I still haven't started those.
You would think that it is quite easy to just add a medicine to a routine. Odd as it seems, that isn't as easy for me as it might seem. I have to think about it. Do I really want to take this stuff? After the decision is made, then I have to find the stuff, and then I have to add it to my medicine set. Being that everything moves slowly when I'm in this kind of a funk, it just... doesn't happen. Well, until it does happen. I need to reset my medicine-set, and I have decided to take them, so it should be on the schedule tomorrow... a month after they were prescribed? *sigh* I really do try.
Oh! The sun just rose above the mountains to the east. What an absolutely beautiful morning. Perhaps God just wants me to see a little more beauty, to realize a little more love, and to buy a bit better property with minor suffering before I go? It is nice, even in my odd little sad ways, to finally actually enjoy this life. I won't mind trading it for heaven, but I'll take what I get for as long as it is mine to have. Good day.
P.S. I haven't been editing lately. I just don't have the juice. So if it looks bad, reading here, that is why. I can't focus.
.
And, actually, very little snow on the ground. Much of it melted. The ground here just wasn't cold enough to pile the snow on, with the rain for the last few days softening and warming it all up. It, thankfully, doesn't look too slick either. I really enjoy having mountains to look out my window. More the reason to open my curtains.
I slept until about 6:00. My sleep is not very satisfying lately. No matter. I am eating and sleeping much more regularly, even if I don't feel like it. Something odd I am finding is that, in my games, the periods where my reflexes are the fastest have no correlation with how I feel. Whether I feel very tired or not, that is, I can be at my best. I don't understand that at all. I would have thought that when I am very tired feeling that I would also not be fast in the game. I really don't understand this illness. Now, when I am tired, I don't always feel like playing, but sometimes I do anyway. Which is why, in part, I am a gamer. It eats time, it keeps me somewhat more functional, and really... it keeps me out of bed. I hate being bed-bound. I hate it when I can't stay up.
I think I need a nap, so morning Mass is probably out. I don't mind naps, if I can keep them to just an hour or two. It is when they begin to take over my days and stretch for many hours, ruining my work and changing my schedule around that "naps" become a problem. And, fight it as I may, often it matters little. If I have to sleep then I have to sleep. I don't have any tools to fight that at times. I just wish the medicines, now that I am back on them more regularly, might help more. It might be the diabetes kicking back in though too. The V.A. finally sent those. They must have realized I hadn't picked them up (they sent the scripts to a local pharmacy, but though it was on my list, I simply couldn't be there, on time, to get them, in a timely fashion). I still haven't started those.
You would think that it is quite easy to just add a medicine to a routine. Odd as it seems, that isn't as easy for me as it might seem. I have to think about it. Do I really want to take this stuff? After the decision is made, then I have to find the stuff, and then I have to add it to my medicine set. Being that everything moves slowly when I'm in this kind of a funk, it just... doesn't happen. Well, until it does happen. I need to reset my medicine-set, and I have decided to take them, so it should be on the schedule tomorrow... a month after they were prescribed? *sigh* I really do try.
Oh! The sun just rose above the mountains to the east. What an absolutely beautiful morning. Perhaps God just wants me to see a little more beauty, to realize a little more love, and to buy a bit better property with minor suffering before I go? It is nice, even in my odd little sad ways, to finally actually enjoy this life. I won't mind trading it for heaven, but I'll take what I get for as long as it is mine to have. Good day.
P.S. I haven't been editing lately. I just don't have the juice. So if it looks bad, reading here, that is why. I can't focus.
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