I was sure...

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A couple of funnies for the night.  Someone suggested that underage smoking of marijuana stunts intellectual achievement, even the capacity for it.  No guff!  Have you ever spoken to a teenaged regular smoker of the stuff?  You can almost spot them.  Sometimes they even begin to sport a serious set of facial features allowing you to know them much more easily.  This next one... Well, it is like I have mentioned here and elsewhere.  When a woman is beginning to nag, grump, become just plain mean, or a few other things, it means... well, she needs attention.  And, yes, this helps.  It isn't the complete answer, but it is a large part of it.  A guy still has to keep up his end of things, help her with her things from time to time, and run the ship solo for and at random intervals.  But, sex helps keep everything else in place, especially female psychosis.  Another problem with plasticized false romance?  Yes.  Even thought I was doing things the wrong way, I never could plasticize.  So... at least I sort of made some number of women happy, for a while?  Something.  

I was positive I could be out by 22:00.  Then 23:00.  Now?  I'll... I am pretty sure I can make it out tonight, I just don't know when.  It's not that life is brutal today, I just can't get going.  I did run the whites through a little more drying.  Everything that needed to be hung or folded, save my underwear, has been tended.  I simply can't seem to move much beyond that.  Cigarettes, yuck!  But, for now, it is enough.  I am hoping to get in early enough to hit McDonalds for a burger.  They aren't great, but after half a week of near fasting, anything would be good.  Why McDonalds?  I love their fries!  I am trying to get out while it is dark, cool.  Though that may mean I can't get more than a can or two of my preferred tobacco.  Sometimes they simply run out.  Though, sometimes, I can get a whole carton (actually five cans).  Those last a month, give or take.  Pain and stress can have a carton used in three weeks if ongoing.  Sometimes though a carton can last almost two months.  Beats smoking, in every way.  When I have had to smoke, I end up smoking up to six packs a day.  Summit summit obsessive compulsive on some things.  Yeck.

I didn't get the trash out yesterday, which means it didn't make it to the curb and recycling didn't go.  No problem.  I think I only had one bag of trash, and I have plenty of room in the recycling bin.  I may, if I can get to it, take the trash and recycling to the bins tonight, changing out the cat litter while I do so.  I think I have enough of the traditional cat litter for one more go, then I change over to one of the newer types.  I really need to start tending the litter each morning, right after feeding, though.  If the new stuff works it will in part be because I do my part.

Later.

A new day.

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I woke fairly pain free.  There was some notion of pain back there but milder than it has been for some number of days.  A dose of aspirin just... to make sure.  A call.  It seems dinner was late and I think they hoped not to have to deliver, but I did ask them to.  I was just waking up and I am hoping for a run to town tonight, so food... might really help.  An email telling me that the Saturday event went well, with plenty of hands on deck.  All good.

I found a pack of cigarettes that allows me some tobacco hit from time to time.  While it is my house, and actually for that very reason, I won't smoke inside.  The smell lasts for weeks, even months.  While I was outside puffing, Sam decided to join me.  Yuck by the way, that instant massive hit of nicotine is... too much!  I don't know how smokers do it.  If there is a link to heart attacks and such, my guess is it has more to do with that instant huge hit.  Anyway, Sam kept checking my hands for treats.  Ah, I remembered.  When my mom is here, Sam is always out with her.  My guess is my mom is Sam's treat vending machine, same with Sassy.  I got a little peeved, then I realized... she is probably a candy machine for the children of my brother.  *chuckles*  And it doesn't stop there.  She probably spoils any small to medium sized children she can, and some adults too!  It's just... how she is.  She is called grandma by more children than you can imagine or than I can count, literally.  And, actually, I don't begrudge her that.

Of course, this lead to the notion of the fine art of seduction.  Oh?  Well, yeah.  No matter how fancy or complicated we might try to create the notion, it always comes down to a very few things.  Giving and getting.  My mother gives to my cats to get attention.  My cats take what is given in exchange for proximity.  It often ends up that there is more to it, the proximity allows the cats to be petted, which is good for them and us.  We change the cats by our notions, and lead them to a more human understanding through when, how, and if we choose to treat.

And there are many things that can and do seduce us.  Often our education, then job, lull us in.  Our loves and lovers, potential and realized, certainly draw us in.  Our hungers and thirsts, both right and wrong, can pull us strongly.  Which pulls us the most depends more on our needs and wants, or perceived needs and wants, than anything else at any particular moment, within our ability to accept.  We are so easily purchased, we sell short, we know the end.  With death as our future, and the time being completely unknown, plus the notion that even if we live we might not be able to earn, it is difficult to bet by holding out.  Best to sell while the animal is still viable? 

I doubt if much of this goes consciously into the equation.  That is why tradition, standards, and other things are so very important.  Without those we have no real idea.  When those have been set aside, or we are told all traditions are equal so we should just pick, then we are fodder for the control of fools who will lead us into our own destruction.  You don't need children, they say?  Oh?  Genetic suicide is wise?  Really?  Who will tend us, or at least take a measure of our needs and wants, when we are old?  Why, everybody will, they say.  Oh, I see.  Stick with tradition.  I have never known such a thing.  It was never involved in my equations.  Then again, I look around me and see... people coming from good homes have absolutely abandoned traditions.  I actually cling to a Euro-based traditionalism more strongly than most who were gifted it.

All that from a yucky cigarette, a begging cat, and a few days of pain.  Hmm, I don't think I'll make that trade again though, given the choice.  :p

Another smoke, another shower, then into town.  I hope.  Soon...  Later.

Hey, not bad.

I still had to dose a time or two, and am about to dose again.  But I almost feel as if something is getting better.  I did three loads of laundry.  One was quite small, just three or four shirts, two pair of jeans, and a pair of slacks.  The other loads were large, typical really.  Underwear doesn't have to be folded, if I much prefer that.  But for now, at least I know I have clean unders, a few shirts to add to what I already still had, and fresh pants to wear, several clean towels for the bathroom and kitchen, and a few other items that just... add to life.

I even did a partial load of dishes.  Some of them needed more of a soak for this reason or that, so I put them to it.  I wasn't sure I would get a shower in though.  Time was passing by, my function juice was being gulped by little and big things here and there.  But, no, in the last inning... outta here!  Showers feel so good when you have been robbed of them for a while.  I begin feeling a little Golem-esque.  I don't quite consider raw and riggling a menu item descriptor, yet, I do sense that whole cave recluse thing going on.  Mine!

I was actually hoping everything would come together quickly enough that I could make it to town this morning, or earlier this morning really.  I am out of tobacco and some other things.  Again, it shows how ill I am when I can't get to town for a literal addiction, doesn't it?  Caffeine?  Meh.  Nicotine?  OMG where is it!  Still, I can't get in.  Maybe tonight, with this prep work done.

Another hour to dry off, then to bed I hope.  Good morning and good night.

Same same.

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Yeah, it has been a rough half of a week.  It's like I am not getting enough oxygen.  Which really might be the simple case.  Even with medicines, sometimes things aren't going to be right.  Perhaps my liver and spleen demanded oxygen for survival so my body decided my brain could go without for a bit.  Only, I didn't get the memo.  Well, okay, I got the memo in the form of a sledgehammer hit to the head every morning and throughout the days.  These things are going to happen from time to time.  I am honestly surprised my body hasn't cannibalized itself, shrunk to an easier form to work with, or such.  I suppose, when the end approaches, if my body can keep some balance, I will know because I will fade to bones and skin.  On the upside, if my body is keeping balance, I am far from fading. 

More aspirin.  And I will certainly be on the horn tomorrow.  I can't keep this up.  I will figure out a way, get a ride, and if I were in better shape might even have considered hitchhiking.  As is, if I set up an appointment, I might head up the day before and stay over to make sure I will be there without having the stress of driving while struggling with too much pain.  I think there are places to stay within a few blocks of the clinic.  Further if they send me to the hospital, but at the hospital the hotels have drivers to take you to the hospital.  A further expense, but... At some point gold has very little luster.

One thing or another, I heard someone say recently.  Why, yes it is.  I am glad someone else noticed!  I am not even really complaining, it is my lot.  Sometimes the thing is beyond simple help, sometimes I try to solve it myself, sometimes I just have to wait it out.  I won't even say it is worse now than ever.  It's... all about the same.  The only difference now is I don't have people telling me I should just keep a stiff upper lip and get right in and get a job to fix my ills.  Like what they said for the first twenty years.  Doctors, friends, family, they all had the same script.  Shame the gimp, that'll snap him out of it.  Yeah, okay, some bitter taste there.  And, fairly I do believe.  Bleh.

Another handful of aspirin, a shower if I can pull that off, and I really need to do some laundry.  Everything is so very wrinkled.  Maybe just three or four shirts and two pairs of pants at a time.  Something I know I can handle hanging up.  Then underwear and then socks, wool socks have to be done separately.  A few light loads per day.  Ugh but I have gone soft!

Enjoy your day.  I'm going to do my absolute best to enjoy mine.  I just won't give in, out, or up.  I won't.  Now... where are the girls!  I ought to see if they are still ticklish and independent minded.  *grins*

In spite of the grinding start, the runtime isn't too bad.

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Every four to six hours, roughly when I feed the girls, I dose.  It does seem to keep most of it at bay for the moment.  I had been trying to stick to eating very small bits of this or that but my body, last time I tried that, pretty much just shoved me aside, shoveled it in like it knew what it was doing, then looked at me funny when I went to grab another little snack bit to add to it for my own gratification.  Stupid body.  So far, though, so good, with that. 

These times make me more nervous about stroke.  A massive heart attack, while not pretty or painless, is quite often quite lethal.  A stroke though?  Yeah, you could die of it too.  Though I think you would die of thirst first.  And you would half know it.  No, stroke bugs me.  That is part of the reason for dosing with aspirin too.  They say aspirin can... mitigate the affects of a stroke if taken right away.  At the doses I am needing to take to allay much of the pain I would already be dosed.  Hmm, doesn't it also help with a heart attack?  Though I think you are supposed to put it under the tongue or some such in that situation?  Something.  I just... hear things.  My dad (foster dad, and his was from arterial blockages unlike mine, so... not genetic or family or such) had a really bad heart so I heard a great deal about stuff then, and sort of had my... antennae up when new things came out about the topic.  His heart eventually gave out and killed him.  He lived for several weeks after, beyond the doctor's understanding.  I know he was waiting for me, but I was not allowed to see him.

I finally got what is to be the perfect run up and going in my game.  What I have found though, is even with foreknowledge of most things in the game (some things are random events so cannot be planned as they are more likely not to be experienced in three whole playings than to be found), is that... it still doesn't matter to some small degree.  In otherwords, if you optimize one area, thing, field, experience, it often comes at the cost of some other area, thing, field, experience, or even several other things are affected.  There is too much to truly plan for an honest optimization, though you can do a great deal more toward your various goals with the experience garnered from playing through a time or three before.

I am using... cheats.  Not literally cheats, bugs in the game that allow... early advancement.  Just pretend I had parents that could and did arrange things a bit, or... serious natural talent?  Something.  Still, the bugs I exploit don't honestly make the game easier, just easier to set up the way I want to play.  Actually the big one makes the game more difficult as it seems enemies advance and get more powerful relative to both the player and his allies.  So that when random events or even static "pops" occur, I have to hustle to make sure my peeps don't eat dirt.  Still, I enjoy doing it.  In part to order things all at once, ie leveling choices.  But I also like, a bit, "sticking it to the man" (the game makers).  So much in games is scripted, a series of jumping through hoops.  Sometimes it is nice to just get the damned treat NOW!  hehe

Well, back to goofing.  Later, maybe.

Okay, now it doesn't just hurt, it's getting annoying.

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I had honestly hoped to wake up today, clear and clean, healthy and well, and make it to the event.  I woke up late, I woke up in pretty good pain, and I was doing good not to try and stay in bed to hide from the pain.  It simply was not going to happen today.  I took a handful of aspirin as soon as I woke, and ate a bit too.  Keeping on the fringe of starvation means sometimes eating isn't about choice.  I did keep my meal small.  The nausea isn't back yet but sometimes it takes a while for the pain to grate on my nerves enough to upset the stomach.  I suppose if I feel the pain in my sleep, I wake up pre-disposed to nausea some days.  As I said, while it does hurt, it has become less of an opponent than an annoyance.  I still game, I still blog, I do pretty much everything I would normally do... if I specifically remember to eat less (which sometimes isn't an issue as I don't always eat anyway) and move even more slowly.  Actually, when I move, I move fast.  I just move rarely.  While in this condition I do move more slowly.  Sometimes checking to make sure I am not exacerbating the pain, nausea, or getting dizzy.

Yep, I best get in to medical soon.  I don't know if this is high blood pressure related or not.  Only that it is... a bit too persistent to let continue whatever the case.  I doubt if I will schedule an appointment just for this, I will simply mention it when I meet with the nurse and ask about what D.C. recommended.  Oh, it's a migraine.  I have regular headaches from time to time, even bad ones.  This one involves sensory input like vision, hearing, even smell in some odd way.  Plus, there is something odd about migraines.  It's more like they are alive than just a pain.  Mine moves, rather than thrumbs, like electricity, in pulses or waves.  Headaches can thrumb, and hard, but they are generally static and often I can't define exactly where the pain seems to be coming from exactly.

The aspirin helped settle things down a bit for now.  It's about time for another handful.  Later.

Not bad if not quite good yet either.

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I received an email thanking me for letting the group know I would not be helping today, and offering assistance if needed.  There is no help anyone can lend however.  While tonight was relatively pain free, I have to keep eating aspirin.  It is right there, the pain, on the verge, and butts in once in a while.  The stomach is still a bit topsy-turvy too.  I almost suspect the rawer chicken from the other night, but that illness usually doesn't include this kind of headache.  But mostly it was a relatively calm night.

I love being able to comment again.  There is nothing like being able to not just hear but speak as well.  I love blogging for the very reason that we can reach out and... speak our minds.  Oh, I know, some people would rather I just sit right down and drink a tall glass of shut the hell up.  I don't agree with... anybody, sometimes.  And, really, I don't think I am supposed to agree, more so if I don't, somewhat so if for no other reason than to gently shake to tree to see what falls out, why, and how.  Whether I am simply asking a question or asking a pointed question, I like people to think.  Even if I agree with most of what they say, I might still have reservations, actually I always have reservations, even about what I think.  Never worry, I would have flabbergasted Christ.  He might have particularly asked me to walk on water with Him... with... mildly dark intentions... if you know what I mean?  I know my mother... has had... thoughts.  Bless her poor soul.  I am not an easy thing to consume.  Still, I am what I am.  I am my Father's child.  So... neee!

Another handful of aspirin and it is time for bed.  The nights have been nice and cool, almost to the point of being crisp.  Still, a little rain would be nice.  It is too late for the crop, but rain would go into places for next year, but more... it would just feel good.  It isn't seeming to be on the horizon though.  Anyway... good night, and good morning.

Ah, that's better.

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I've been trying varying doses of aspirin over the last few days.  It seems 2100 mg will pretty much give me a lot of breathing room.  I don't want to take that dose too often or for long, but for now it works.  There is still a mild ache, I can tell that demon headache is just looking for a chance to claw it's way out, or in, again.  Vision is a little funky at times too.  Typical migraine stuff though, nothing fancy or unusual save the tenacity of the attacks.  I did send an email letting the KoC know I would not be in attendance and roughly why.  Just trying to take care of business.

It is amazing, in my games I am quite organized, even if there happens to be a ton of gear options, weapons, collectables, trade goods, and such.  I run my games like I would run my life if I had legs.  A place for everything, and everything in it's place, for the most part.  A life lived means that can't always be true, but it can be for the most part.  If I could honestly be up and on my feet, doing even little things even half of the day, my home would be immaculate as an earthly home could be, and squared away.  Food wouldn't be an issue either.  It actually doesn't take that much to organize, work, cook, and clean, if you have three to four hours of functional time a day.  Sad to realize, I honestly don't have that kind of time for even that kind of effort.  I might get that in a week, though sometimes I can get twice that in a few days.  I just never know.

I am trying to keep from having a full belly.  Or, actually, as little in my stomach as I can tolerate.  It is still queasy, making a constant but light form of hunger preferable.  It's a difficult balance to maintain.  Still, it beats having everything in there tumbling around once in a while.  While I won't vomit, I'm almost unable to anymore, it is probably worse that I don't sometimes.  This is one of those times.  So, just very light snacks every four to six hours.  Ugh, I can't wait for this to pass so I can eat something substantial.  I was looking forward to tomorrow.  Beside helping out, I planned to have a hot dog, a hamburger, and some tacos.  Right now none of that sounds at all tempting, but it did a few days ago.  I did want to meet some of the people too.  Just a little face recognition and vice versa.

Well, back to goofing I guess.  Later, or maybe good night.

Oh? Now that's rich.

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So ill I should be institutionalized, really, just too... energetic for that to work.  Look, when they are talking heart transplant you know it's bad.  On top of that, still sore from nausea with mild aches from my head to foot as if I was beat.  And I still... have to struggle with celibacy?  Come on now, something HAS to give.  I could be upset, angry, put out, or whatnot...  But really, it is one of the funniest cosmic jokes I have ever heard.  Twenty years ago I would have been larfing hard if disbelievingly at such a tale.  And... some things don't change.  The only thing that has changed is that I am forced to believe.  Come on, that is funny right there.  God HAS to be playing some role in this.

I slept well enough, finally.  I am still pretty rough.  I am going to be taking doses of aspirin throughout the day in the hopes that the pain doesn't return.  When it hits it is like a bomb going off.  It rips from the outer molecules right on in to the very nuclei of my structure.  Fire and electric pain surge through everything and infiltrate my vision and hearing.  On the good side all other worries vanish!  *laughs*  Yeah, no.  I'm going to try and avoid that more actively today.  I prefer my other worries.

I do believe I am going to call off tomorrow.  I am worn out, still in a state of worry about such pain.  If it happened while out of the house, getting home would be... difficult.  Sure, I can drive in full on shock, or with a migraine, but it's not something I would put myself in a place to do on purpose.  It's not just about me, it's about other drivers, pedestrians, and such too.  A little responsibility must be taken.  Sometimes there is no choice, but when there is I'll take it.

The girls have been fed.  Sam wanted 'brunch on the patio', so she got that.  It's a little more work to get their food and water prepared separately, but... she so loves being outdoors that I can't really usually disregard her wishes.  It will mean I will be doing that most of this day.  Some days she is an in-home girl, some days she is a nativist.  All good.  Actually, reminds me of my last lady friend in many ways.  Cwazy wabbits!

Good day.

Headache!

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Oh, not a typical one.  Aspirin is cutting the pain, but just a touch.  If the brain could feel, I would liken this to a railroad spike having been driven from my upper left forehead to the top of my spinal column, crunching that column just a bit, with all the gentleness of expression that a jackhammer can exhibit.  On the good side, I am nauseous too.  Wait, did I say good side?  Never mind.  I could not sleep.  There wasn't a good angle, or a way.  Sometimes I can sleep my way out of it, sometimes I just delay the sense of it.  These are usually rather rare, but two in a row makes me nervous.  At least I have been being good with the girls.  Yeah, that is more important than how I feel.  Feeding and petting, chasing around just a little bit, and running in "terror" from their ferociousness.  They have been giving me extra niceness, knowing that poppo hurts I think.  They just know.

I may be able to get to bed shortly.  A second dose of aspirin went down the hatch.  While it doesn't look like it will fix it, it might buy me the time I need to settle in.  I may have to call tomorrow off.  I'll see when I wake.  If so, I will send an email letting them know that I am simply in no shape to help.  It is good to know why, not just not show up for things.  While it is still a sort of demerit, it isn't as bad as being MIA.  They know I am at triage.  Even if a homebound one.  Yeah, if I wake early enough, I really need to set up medical again.

Hey, it's good.  I have people that love me, people that like me, people that don't one, and people that don't either.  Oddly, that is comforting.  Funny thing, sometimes all of those are the same person!  I love that, I really do.  Until it's my turn?  Heh.  All good.  Be well.  Enjoy your day, more so if it is pain free.  Crunch some numbers, arrange some flowers, smile at someone, tell a good joke, and be pleased if you are doing what you can do.  Even in great pain I have been... enjoying my little life.  Youch though. 

Good morning, and again good night.

It was going well.

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I woke, fed the cats, goofed, enjoyed commenting again.  But as the day has progressed I have slowly become quite ill again.  I have an headache the size of Washington D.C.  Leaning my head seems to help, a bit.  I'll grab another handful of aspirin and see if it helps.  I'll probably crash a bit early too.  Wowza is that nasty.  Yeah, I best get back to medicine.  It does cut down on some of these things.  It's just a matter of being able to make appointments, stick with them, and such.  They do care, but they don't.  There isn't a lot they can do, or myself, at times.  It's not really about want or will, but ability.

Good night.

Oh... how to tell people things?

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At another site, I flummoxed someone who just couldn't understand how I can take an Orthodox view of the bible, not call it the Bible, and reject the role and titulature of classical education all in one fell breathe. How do you tell someone how different the world looks after having died once. Or what you saw your second death. Or that dying a third time didn't really have an effect. How do you explain the synaptic changes from having a loaded shotgun in your face, the trigger pulled, and only hearing a click. How do you add nuance to... the insanely impossible?

I tried to explain that the bible, as I see things, truly isn't like... science. It doesn't attempt to formulate reality, to graph it, to chart it, to define it. It simply represents it, is a part or means of reality. Science fails because it doesn't know. The bible doesn't fail because it simply is reality. How does that work? Well, history is the key to undoing science, and the classical notions of education. They don't mesh. Science is struggling to fill in holes, more so by trying to fill them with anything but God. It is like trying to stop a leak in a pipe with anything but something solid. Try water they yell, when that doesn't work, try smoke! Oh... darn... how about good wishes and smiley faces they plead? Anything but metal or glue, or even higher pressure water, or something that might work, they demand.

As I said, classical education is undone by history, completely and irrevocably. I would classify the classic education as a poet's wet dream of how things could or should be, if I as it turns out I do not agree with those notions of should or could, when it comes right down to it. The world, as is, shouldn't be soft, or inclusive, or benign. As sinful, and even animal, beings, we would be totally ruined by such a life. We would have to be forced into it, and those who would not or could not fit would have to be destroyed. Basically, most men over the age of 17 to 21 would have to be put down. And my guess is the closer a woman gets to 27-33, depending on her hormonal fluctuations, would have to be put down just the same. Old people would be fine, but none would make it through those screwy years, or they would mess up the whole thing. Essentially, classical education teaches theory that is wholly unworkable, untenable, and unwanted, save in the throws of passion and ecstasy when all higher thinking is gone.

I tried to explain that the bible should be lower case as it is not holy. It may be the Word of God, and it might be living, but the book itself is not holy. It is a placeholder, a vessel, for the holy. Christ was self-animated holiness, so He IS different. As is God and the Holy Spirit. Not even angels are, only given capitalization when named. Then again, the one I confused was a socialist atheist, so... go figure. Why would they want the term "bible" capitalized though? I... never really get these folk. Oh, and I tried to be... reasonable, as I am here. No need to yell. They aren't going to change, or probably learn. Still, why send people all aflutter. They are already confused.

They thought I was silly to try to keep all the pieces of my derangement in order, like it was some odd Rubric I had developed all on my own without the sum of all I had seen, heard, felt, and learned as the backstop. Something about having to step through a thousand little idiosyncrasies to survive to my end notions. Not at all, I suggested. No more do I need to hold this together than I have to concentrate to keep clouds in the sky. It stands on it's own or it doesn't, there is little for me to do but notice. It always amazes me that some people cast stones at their own shadows rather than at their perceived opponents. This writer told me their 'dirty little intellectual secret' merely by casting the aspersion. It is they who live in a fraudulent glass house. Fearful of any and all... things out of line. Ah, but... what fun we have in an afternoon when... we play with children? Summit like that.

Later?

A better day.

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No headache, up a bit earlier, but not to bed any earlier.  The problem is the thing Saturday.  I can't sleep until 16:00, but I can't seem to... not.  I'm headed for a cliff.  If I can't make it, that is just the way it has to be.  Tonight, since I have brots ready, I am going to fire up the grill.  A good burn first to get the muck off from just sitting, then cooking, then another 15 minute dry run to get THAT gunk off it.  I have tried a number of degreasers, different detergents, and a number of other mechanical and chemical cleaners, all to no avail.  A grill is simply a filthy thing.  Now, I didn't go for a typical grill.  No, of course not, I had to go techy and get one of these.  No, I think my next grill will be a plain old regular grill, give or take.  I would actually like to get one for Saturday but I simply don't have the green for it.  Assuming I can figure out how to be up and there in time in the first place.  Gah!

Anyway, today is good.  No headache, no sense of over sleeping or over-extending yesterday.  Just... another day.  The cats have been fed, Sam has been let out, I have tinkered with my final game of Fallout 3, which may end early as some things in the game have stopped working as they should, or possibly.  It seems when such a large game is fully utilized once it sort of breaks.  Old games somehow carry into new games, and the whole thing bogs down.  I suppose I could remove the game and all old saves.  But, that would take some homework to even know how to do.  Homework, at this point, I am not interested in doing for a game I am about done with, for a number of reasons.

Laundry needs to be done.  Much of my clothing is clean, but I haven't been folding/hanging/putting away.  So... it is all quite wrinkled.  Not a terrible thing, here at home.  But going out with wrinkled clothing is... a sign of something I don't care for.  While neat clothes give off a sort of false signal, considering my reality, it also gives off intent.  It is that intent that I... want to exhibit.  So, laundry.  Lots of it.  But making sure I fold, hang up, put away, so perhaps just a load at a time, then a break.

Ah well.  Good day.

Chicken part deux.

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While the chicken I cooked the other night was splendid, for the most part, it wasn't... quite done.  The meat was done, but... something about it.  Let us just say it moved me in a way that I knew I had to rebake the remainder.  What doesn't kill you and all.  If... that doesn't mean you want to repeat a mistake either.  Now, I don't really like twice cooked chicken.  Some people and places can do that successfully.  I know of a restaurant that has twice baked chicken as a star menu item even.  Not so much here.  Still, knowing it is fully done is worth the slight odd taste I always end up with.  And my lower, and maybe upper, g.i. will thank me.  Having eaten one of the recooked pieces, I already know it is right.  At least the skin stayed somewhat crisp.

It has been a rough day.  I finally surrendered and took a handful of aspirin.  I am trying to take aspirin since that seems to be what the docs prefer I take.  That helped a smidgen enough to mostly not be too grumbly.  While not grumpy, exactly, pain can make me terse.  I prefer neither terse nor grumpy.  I enjoy loving my girls, not being an ogre with them.  Though vomitters will always be chased out if I think I can get them out in time.  Ugh...  The sound alone gets me to the core.

I think I have been dreaming of fights lately.  It hasn't really been getting to me.  I wake up and it feels like my fist has been used.  I know, dreams aren't supposed to allow for motion.  But I tell you sometimes it does.  If my hands felt like that every few weeks or months, regularly, I would just assume arthritis or something was setting in.  That isn't the case.  It happens once or twice a year, or even every other year.  It's rather rare.

It does look like I have figured out the problem with commenting on other blogs.  Not only do my comments show, they are there when I have gone back to check on them... so far.

All is well.  Good morning and good night.

Could it be?

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I seem to have had some things blocked, including google.com through an add-on for my browser.  I am checking to see if that is why I couldn't post.  The thing is, I haven't changed my settings in those.  Could they have been tinkered with by others?  Hackers are nasty, insidious, little critters and know how to do just enough to cause problems... gremlins.  We will see.  I'll keep tinkering, if this doesn't fix it.

Odd how a group of memories can all come together at once.

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Yesterday and today a group of things came together to form a picture I had not quite seen in such a complete form, or all together, or something.  I blogged about it yesterday, if it was nothing really new, just... I saw it and other things fit, in a sequenced pattern.  Tonight it isn't about me.  It is about some academic types I knew.  Quite liberal, in the neoliberal sense.  Feminine equality, social justice, and the rest, were all top priorities and beliefs.  Even Chesterton, in his day, knew and despised the lie that is "social justice".

Anyway, through various times and conversations, odd things began to happen.  While, publicly, with or without his wife present, the man presented that women were wholly and fully equal to men.  When I was discussing the coming economic calamity, he seemed to know about that which I speak.  When it was just us two, we would pick each other's minds for... notions about it, clues, concerns.  And, really, we were quite on the same page.  But when I would consider discussing it around his wife he would... hedge me to a different topic.  Oh, I saw that, just... I'm usually amenable.  When queried in private, he suggested he doesn't... want to worry his wife with such things.  Later I even got the idea that... she came apart when... introduced to the notion that tomorrow would not be like today, unglued.  There were several areas he was fully aware, but areas he kept from his wife.  As I think about it now I realize he had no notion of feminine equality, he was just... playing the role.  I am not sure if his lip service, however, was fully conscious.  He might actually, consciously, believe what he was saying about equality in spite of living his life quite the opposite.  How... many other academics, liberals, progressives, are just the same?  Most would be my guess.

In Russia, they called this something special, if I can't remember the term for it.  Yes, I knew it at one time.  It wasn't just academics who talked the talk but walked the reality.  It was living the grand lie.  Many still do, worldwide.  Many don't realize they live one way and speak a totally different way.  No, tonight, memories of those conversations and interactions finally made some sense.  More interestingly, she... knew.  She even outright used her feminine frailty as a means of changing subjects she couldn't, wouldn't, handle well.  Oh... just... enjoying some... things...  And sharing them.  Way too funny, if I am not really laughing at them, just... at the world they have created within to live.  And fearing it, a bit, too.  That is a very fragile world.  Any blip on the radar and it can all come crumbling down.  Impotent rage does nothing against the tides of reality, hordes of barbarians, or... any other real threat out there.  How many live in that deluded worldview?  Too many.  Too many elites, perhaps almost all of them?  Trouble ahead.

Later.

Rough one.

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Not getting to bed until 6:00, then not waking until 18:00 and only then because of a phone call, a headache to beat the drum.  *youch*  Bad analogy at the moment.  No, two beers wouldn't do it.  I'm chalking it up to just a typical blue moon bad day.  At least I'm not grumpy too!  No one, cat's especially though me included, enjoy grumpy days.

The call was for dinner.  Apparently they had stopped by but I had not heard the doorbell.  Thankfully they tried the phone.  Dinner was good, of course, but there was something special in there.  It was a taco salad, which is generally pretty good just as is.  But there were cherry tomatoes in there the likes of which I have never tasted.  I now know why tomatoes like that were ever given the name "cherry".  These were sweet, some a little tart, with very high sugar content.  I was absolutely flabbergasted.  Perhaps it has just been a long time since I tasted such treats.  I just can't remember them ever tasting that seriously sweet.

Now to figure out how to get my life back on track.  It will take getting back to medicine.  While that isn't perfect, it does help.  I may start at least taking the aspirin and vitamins for now, items I don't have depend on a doctor's okay to get or take.  Then, if I can shake a leg a little earlier, resetting some appointments.  I'll keep trying.

Later.

Sometimes it all just fits. History.

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Sometimes it all just... fits.

All good.

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I made it to the meeting with plenty of time.  After setting up the room and laying out snacks I had an half hour to wait.  It seems the district *mumble something or other* decided to attend the meeting tonight.  I had no idea.  In any case, he arrived in goodly time so I had company my last fifteen minutes of the wait.  It was interesting talking to him.  And... remembering that while we are all men too, sometimes we are our station.  It was interesting watching that played out.  Sometimes I was talking to our next up in the chain of command, sometimes I was talking to the man who fills that role.  Sometimes he was talking to a knight, sometimes he was speaking with me.  Throw in women, wives, and whatnot, and it gets really funny.  Anyway, no women were present, for good and ill, so...

Few ate and little was consumed of the liquids.  No beer, just a soda or two?  Yes, but the meeting is right after dinner.  I seemed to have set up properly, and asked.  As I said, it is not too technical.  I asked anyway, as much to let leadership fill that role as to learn if I had made a mistake.  Further, there was a mixup in when people where supposed to arrive.  If one read the email, which... *cough* some of the knights did not, the meeting was supposed to be at 19:00.  Though someone got back in time to reset the meeting by calling around, and back to 18:00, though only some got the call (I didn't get the call).  So our recorder was not present.  No problem, I had meant to ask about that role.  As I said, I would like to learn to fill in, when I am able, and when I am needed.  So, I... learned on the job. 

The meetings are interesting.  They can be rather passionate, when something gets in someone's craw.  And... that is not always agreed with, so there can be... interesting discussions.  Some people take these personally, I... enjoy these almost as much as I enjoyed them with my last lady friend.  Oh, and I am involved.  Make no mistake.  If I want something, need more information, and whatnot, I speak up.  No wall flower here, that way anyway.  We have a number of meals planned, including this Saturday.  I was half volunteered to bring in my grill.  I don't know how I will do it, but by God, I will.  Oh, and my coolers, they need those.  Plus I will be doing something.  They suggested that those who bring in grills will be stuck to them, but I can't do that.  I simply can't be on my feet that long in a station.  I will probably make sure I have at least one tank pretty full and if they are both full I will bring them both, filling whatever is needed.  I would like to help with the prize bingo.  This is the first year for this, and it is a bit of a clusterfuck.  But... that is common.  I told the guys, twice, not to panic.  Do the best we can, and next year this thing should work a little better.  Too many unknowns this year, this first time.  Next year, with more planning and some things we learn this year to fall back on, it should be smooth as nails (instead of broken glass albeit).  It just takes time to get things off the ground from thought to fruition.  People don't mind, and if they do, and speak up?  Why... We have our NEXT VOLUNTEER!  I love this game.

One thing I am interested in is learning how to run meals.  Oh, I don't mean doing everything but eating the food, I mean planning, making sure the donated items are set, making sure what needs to be bought is set, organizing the cooking crew and taking my turn, but for smaller meals.  I can't do a four hundred people meal.  I can, however, learn to organize, say... a Friday fish fry, or a Lenten dinner, or something on the smaller side.  That would give the big guns, the guys who get leaned on hard, a little bit of a break.  Further, if absolutely pressed and our big guns are ooc, I might be able to squeeze out a big meal prep with prayer and help.  I let it be known in general, and then I spoke with one of the gents afterwards, specifically.  And, yes, he heard, and had me... in mind.  On the big meals I will happily just serve, or set up, or tear down, or all of the above, within the limits of my ability.  But, for a bit, I need a tutor in the field of making a meal come to life.  I've always said that is something I wanted to do, remember?  Even in Iowa.  I had hoped to do this work.

I was speaking with another member, an officer, on the way out.  I had something else I would like to do.  While I can't always make meetings, and I can't always help every time something comes up, I would like to become involved in ways that I might.  One of those ways is to become a retention officer.  I have plenty of time in the day to call non-attending members, let them know that we are still working and would like to see them, and if nothing else, just let them know that they are on our minds and in our prayers.  A bit of a little thing, but for many who have busy lives, families, jobs, and "stuff", quite a task to keep up on.  My goal would be figuring out how many members are not attending, then giving some number of them a call each week.  A quick chat or a longer talk.  Heck, even inviting them to coffee somewhere or such.  Sort of being a friend, or whatever is needed.  As well, this would get me into some meetings I am interested in attending.  Yeah, I know, health.  But... I am going to try. 

Oh, he was telling me about his health problems, the last fellow I spoke with.  And they sounded rather severe.  I am never sure about my health, really, considering how well I sort of do.  But when someone says they have heart problems I like running my problem by them.  A double or triple bypass was my cue.  I told him I had a 15% ejection refraction.  He stopped, turned to look at me to see if I was serious, believed, and just said... "Wow!"  Okay, so, yeah, my condition is probably serious.  It's hard to take it serious though, even if it does slow me down a lot. 

So, some things on the move.  But... I need, now, to get back to Church!  Yeah, okay, one thing at a time, one crisis at a time.  But Church supersedes KoC.  Now, I have been trying to add KoC, and have done so rather well.  Now to get back into the full groove.  God kept me alive, and sort of moving, I... would like to serve Him.  Not really out of thanks in some ways, as I am not sure my life is a favor.  The favor that allows me to be grateful is is.that I was able to use that time to come back to and find Him.  Yes, that... is a favor.  He called, and called, and called, and I toyed with the idea, and ran away, and came back a bit, and finally entered His home.  Like a dog gone feral, not quite remembering his Master, but... almost.  A steady voice, a bit of His Body and Blood, and...  No, I am still not well heeled.  He knows I never will be, fully.  But I am His... (again?)  Half feral, all gnarly, not so keen on cleanliness, but I'll do His will the best that I can.

Welche tag ist heute?  Dienerstag.  Must be, our meetings are on Tuesday.  Hmm, the next Mass is... Friday I think.  I will need to try to make it.  It will be at noon.  Sort of tight with my weird sleeping.  But I can at least... schedule it in and try.  The next is Saturday at 17:00, I believe, with confession just before.  Then two on Sunday, one at 9:00 or 10:00, then one at 17:00 again.  Something like that.  I'll... recheck those.  Hmm, those used to be on the calendar on my phone too.  My phone must have... glitched.  It lost my mother's birthday and Mass times.  And you wonder why I fall, I can't depend on a single damned crutch!  Bah!

Well, have a good night.  Sleep well.  And know I try every day... except those days I can't be bothered to give a damn.  Yeah, they... happen too.  And, it isn't all a health issue.  Meh.

Up late, late rising, of course.

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Ah, but the chicken was worth it.  Though, that wasn't really the problem.  I was done with cooking, and eating, by 1:00 or 2:00, give or take.  The house had even stayed cool and eating hadn't heated me up.  No, just... I simply am not able to sleep until very late recently.  But it is a bit past 15:00, which means I need to rush a shower in, though if I do I have time to simply dry off well before dressing.  The snacks and such will go together rather easily.  All good.

I noticed some big stink about a senatorial candidate, Akin.  Yeah, sure, he said something he probably shouldn't have.  Sure.  But since he isn't pulling out it behooves Republicans to get behind him rather than standing in his way.  They supported Brown, for GOD's sake.  They better figure this out before the election.  This election, from what I am seeing, could be an absolute and perhaps final smashing of Democrats.  It is not the time to be picking out "unwanteds" who are definitely in the lead (on the GOP ticket side anyway) and definitely running.  It almost looks like they are TRYING to lose the senate by further inflaming the situation.  The only way for this to work is for them to be a team.  Besides, changing horses this far across the river would be a losing strategy anyway.  DON'T take sides with the enemy, for their reasons, ever.  And that is what Republicans have been doing forever, doing what Obama does best (and worst), leading (from behind).  Teh Gey.  Quit the silly shit, and get on with it already.  And, no, reach arounds don't make teh gey kosher.  Shut up, back the man, and let's get on with it.