For a friend.

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Why that note?  Who knows.  My job, if I should accept, is to match right music to like notions, as I see things.  Unless the music is aimed well, at my heart, as oft lately.  Then I play, show, tell, hope, and pray... or prey?  I... hope you enjoy.

Talk about a kiss with a fist.

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Hmm?  Oh.

Well I never!

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Such... feedback?

Could one of her possibly get it.  Are they ganging up on me, for good, or ill?  Sons of dragons have our ways, for good or ill.  What?  Pops, in specific places and orders.  See for yourself, think of it as you will.  The first three, the others are a return volley.  Check and mate?

Thinking on a few things.

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Some of what I wrote, this way or that, and sentimental notions.  The lyrics of a song matched, and fit tears from several womenfolk.  Not 100%, if it rarely is... close enough it is hoped.  I, life, can hurt.  And yet there is more to it.  Cheer up?  Here is hoping you can.  Several of you.  Fall, and the fall of life... the Lord knows I know.  That has been my world most of my adult life.  Pro tip?  When all seems to fail?  Relax into it.  Maybe have or go for a treat.

Waking can be so rough.

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I had meant to have the trash and recycling at least ready to go, possibly to the curb, last night.  Didn't happen.  It has been rough lately.  Sitting, gaming.  Would be sleeping if not for gaming, like it or not.  Being haunted isn't too bad, actually reminds me of good times, the value of love, even reminds me that I am still loved.  Even those who reach out as their time draws near, kin or other, it is good to be with them in a way few can.  Death is a terribly lonely thing, how well I know.

While awake, getting to simple chores doesn't work exactly as hoped.  Still, I often get to it in a reasonably timely fashion.  To deal with waste today I had to rise before I was really ready.  I had thought the bins full to overflowing.  So I pushed my way up and out.  After gathering all, as I was putting the bags in the bins... next to nothing, just the few, anemic, bags I had just attempted to fill.  Not worth dragging to the curb.  My change in diet involves a lot less packaging, and less shopping as well?  Dunno.  Still, my conscience is clear on the matter for now.

I would love to return to bed.  It isn't possible.  I used too much psychic force waking to undo.  As well, I need to hold days for a bit longer.  A nap, in a bit, perhaps.  Later.

I know a hiss when I hear it.

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I remember this one well.  A haiku song, the first time?  I'd have to look, not up to it.  I believe there was a difference of opinion as to what was truly signified.  A strong independent woman, or some such, on the other side.  A woman damned to solitude, deluded by her trust in her own beauty and favor by other women... or some  such.  I let it go, maybe even playing fool for her notions.  Don't have to grind the truth until they cry, not every time.

Not sure if this is a jab, as if her notions were correct, by her or another, just a recall, or algo's digging the dead.  Dunno.  If it was meant as a taunt, I do feel for you.  I even feel bad for having to believe, pronounce, the truth... that it stings.  Get myself often enough, if that helps.  Good night in any case.

A night full of dreams.

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Three of which stuck until morning.  I'll try to put them down, they seem to be fading.  I can no longer recall the order so will start with the most complex.

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In one dream, I was setting up a date with a girl from school.  I didn't want my mom to know.  Not because I was planning anything serious, it's that parents, and siblings, can be nearly ghoulish, harsh, in their teasing.  I think this was very roughly based on events and feelings from the seventh grade.  While I had already had sex, several times including a short affair, I was trying to restart with girls, to figure them out and start right, start over, quietly and on my own terms.

Family can tease, but some girls are rather intense by that age too.  It's a tough racket, trying to start over.  The world and all are against it.  The world became a puzzle.  In parting anything from a bed to a closet, as if full-sized three dimensional puzzles, I also had to learn how to put it all back together.  Because of our unique understandings, there ended up being multiple ways to deconstruct and rebuild any object my curiosity lead me to explore.  However, if I was too unique in my approach, I learned, others could tell both with what and how I had been involved with the world.  A risk because of teasing and all.

It turned out that I could fool most of the people most of the time, just not all of the people all the time.  My mother started piecing it together.  Done so well at first she saw it as standard life.  Then the patterns became clear.  Some trepidation, at first.  That level of concealment often wasn't good.  So she started tracking from the shadows.  When she realized what and why, she was well pleased and let it go, and stopped teasing in general... mostly.

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The next one dealt with being me, but not.  I looked like me, but to my watching eyes, I knew it wasn't me.  I, or who/what was passing as me, was driving through a forest in some valley.  Huge trees had been felled, by the weather, strong winds.  I bound them in chains and was somehow able to tow them.  A short distance on , I met a proper logger.  I turned them over to him, if I think some evil was about to befall him, from my doppleganger, evil twin.

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In the last, I met a rodeo rider who was in decline.  Somehow I was able to help him return to his best, and then some.  He became the champion for the next five years.

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There were more dreams, and the last two had been much fuller.  Still, that should do.  Later.

A nap, a dream, and a strange song upon waking.

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I could  not remain awake.  It seemed late for a nap, choice was not in my hands.  I seemed to sleep so very long, to my mind, that I attempted to sleep on through to some version of tomorrow.  I failed.  Waking, I looked at my clock. It suggested 7:30 something.  Couldn't be.  It runs as a 24-hour device, which... not possible for me to have slept that long, was it?  After a bit of confusion I checked again... 15:20 and change.  Don't ask, I simply don't know.  Wakeful dreaming, or perhaps I hit the button to show the alarm time?  Let me check that...  What a relief, 7:30 alarm and it is easy to bump that button.  As to why I thought I slept so long, however, I don't get.  Sleeping almost half the time of a usual nap.  Ah well, I'll chalk it up to free sleep, somehow.

I that mess a dream.  A women became... close... friends.  She seemed to wish for more.  Between doubting my own lying eyes, wanting to doubt, and concern that she might not understand fully, I had frozen any advancement.  Finally, frustrated, she just came out and asked.  She read here that I considered 30 to be too old, which to her meant I was looking for a youner woman to marry.

I had to laugh.  Aye, I had indicated that, true.  I failed to suggest all though.  While 30 was too old, it is also too young.  A... bit of a binding trick, one I never thought would be tested.  I, that is all I remember.

My video queu has again died at youtube.  Or quit for the last three days, as it has been for months, perhaps a year or more.  It's what they do to the politically incorrect, I assume.  From time to time something(s) sneak, or burst, through.  Even so, a song new to me popped.  The name, after recent songs and notions, plus the dream?

End of all hope?

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Not quite as it may seem.  Merely that things are rough and unlikely to improve.  Politically, socially, medically, and some elses.  Worldly hope is what is troubled.  Then again, living in a world at a time when death is the rule, even by one who has trounced that rule... for a time, worldly hope should always be slightly humble to a tongue in cheek thing.  There are times, however, like now, when the raw corruption is layed bare through McCain and the rest of his kind.  Not sure if he is playing spoiler for the team (actual single party rule) or if he is actually betraying the party.

Doing a bit better, in a way.  Resting has helped, medicine has both taken and given if that seems to have me in the black, doing more good in my preferred ways than not currently.  I am pushing for dishes today , and mild sorting in several rooms.  I held the schedule for today, and hope to keep it as I may.  I have a few tricks, if it is all temporary... so I have to use it soon.  With fall then winter, sleep will come to resemble hibernation.  Not a terrible thing, if life is tended.

Garlic? It was a bit stronger.  Actually the cloves sliced in simply roasted without imparting much flavor.  I can't really taste them when eating the meat with them in.  However, if I spot and remove them, most have browned to a carmelized form.  I'll try a whole head of garlic next time?  Well, and do some research.  It's fun.  Frustration and failure are the sauces which are laurels and flavor enhancers for eventual success.

Good morning and day.

Garlic!

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Don't believe all you hear.  I love garlic, in spite of some tales.  Then again, if some had power through time, wealth, access, and true cause for fear, wouldn't they misdirect?  Of course.  :p  I have been trying  to infuse it into pork and beef using fresh cloves.  There is something about fresh, if annoying to prep, which really is better.  If you can get the flavor to shine through.  I have, thus far, failed.

This time, on a beef roast, I am using an half head of garlic, placing slices in during the hour used to bring the roast to room temp, while letting salt and other spices juice through the meat.  Last time, I think, I used half as much garlic and put it in right before placing the roast on the grill.  I am also adding several dashes of powdered garlic and halved onion.  Really good stuff if you learn to eat right.  I am hoping for a stronger fresh garlic flavor.

If this doesn't do it I will begin researching the topic, then experimenting.  Roasting garlic itself, while a treat, more so when nearly candied, doesn't give what I am seeking, it tames the garlic.  I am seeking bite.  I'll let you know as results become known.  Trying the butternut squash while I am at it.  The acorn squash turned out very well, if you hadn't read.  Hmm, maybe a can of buttered veggies too?  Yeah, when I next check, flip.  Later, or good night.

A possible sense of things.

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Well, yes.  It needn't be true.  If it is, so be it. Today, next week month year decade century or more, in it's time, as men choose, it will be.  A friend none want, a template only fools will resemble if for the weakness of virtue in the men who remain who claim virtue as a good.  Never mind, here.  A sense in the air.  Personal or universal, perhaps both.

Later each morning.

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After weeks, months perhaps, stuck in the third, graveyard, shift, movement was developed. That was required to allow registration, tags, license and all to go forward.  Now the movement continues, two to three hour shifts from daily to once every three days.  If I could I would get to business today.  Still in recovery, probably not until the middle of next week, if that means the need to reign in the schedule change as well as possible.

Breakfast, a sliver of pork rib and potato.  I should get eggs and salsa, out of mom's.  Won't be as good, but the local store-made stuff is usually decent.  Even eating much more regularly, if my foods, and being inactive, I am staying 20 pounds below what had been my average for years... down to 260ish.  All good, if another 20 to 40 wood be gooder(tm).

Such strange and powerful energy in the world.  Not sure if it is a personal thing or if the world is coming undone as well.  Though, with the storms, rumblings from below, politics both domestic and foreign, pause must be given, as I see things.  As a general thing I am rather pleased with President Trump.  While he is a damnable liberal, he is one of the few, on either side, who actually loves, and believes in, America and Americans.  Best to give that man some serious room, and help remove the anti-Americans impeding a return to America First.  Our peoples didn't work hard for a world socialism or to be sold as slave labor to globalists.

Time to figure out my day.  Prayers and good will.

Such... horrible wonders.

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Was it a daydream, memory from darker days and times well gone done and buried, or a strange perhaps final gift... to make the loss more bearable in some way?  I can't always see through those fogs, I can't always know.  The notion, then a music video populating to allow others understanding if in a tongue I don't, or no longer, have acquaintance.  The visuals should suffice.

Unnerving.

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Doing my best.  My best isn't good enough.  Transferring money from one bank account to another, both being mine, it being electronic, I thought it would be quick.  Five days!  More, I was already late.  I was so busy with license, tags, staying awake, the memories, I suspect, of a dying lover, and the confusion that caused another that this task fell out of sight.  Due tomorrow.  Wasn't even sure I could contact anyone at the bank, it being a bank, in Iowa, and this late here.

When it hit, I nearly quit.  Instead, in a nanomoment, I turned heel and charged.  A call, plus finding my account data, while trying to maintain calm.  An answer, a review, a transfer, then another set of questions, and another transfer.  The last one didn't sound as if it would go through.  A few tense moments and...

Answered.  A message service?  No.  Real, live.  But could anything be done.  Got it.  All good, I believe.  A call when it arrives, if I don't call first.  I need to turn off all auto payments, then put some of it into savings.  *shrug*  Do your best.  If you have failed?  What do you have to lose?

Nerves are just a hair frazzled.  But?  I'm loving it!  I miss the good old days.  These moments will have to suffice.  Good day, ladies and gents.

Difficult last few days.

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Exhausted.  Waking has been difficult, focus impossible, troubled.  I have a list of things I'd really like to hit.  Yes, I realized earlier in the week I would need rest.  I didn't realize it would be quite this deep.  One phone call today, dishes if possible, perhaps more.  No guarantees.  Writing it here ups the odds.

Grilling has eased the food supply.  Making enough for nearly a week, and change often, in such a way that there are fewer items to wash.  While that means most meals are, essentially, leftovers, reheated or even cold, with the right foods that isn't awful.  Better as I can eat quickly, and when I am able to eat.  As the temps drop, grilling becomes more difficult, using more charcoal, taking longer, as well as requiring extra clothing.  Still, I will attempt to use this as my main cooking system even into the winter.  Lowering the food, through various means, to get it closer to the heat, might make it work, or not.  It is good to only need to cook once a week or so.  A bag of cowboy coals lasts a couple of months, at least in warmer months.  Even a bag a month wouldn't sting, not for the benies.

I will be making a list of various things to do, perhaps prioritizing, and what exactly and how to do those things.  It helps.  A woman often is good for this sort of thing, if you can get her to tone down her badger instincts.  More beaver, less badger, trust me.  *shark-toothed grin*

Well... on to whatever.  Still trying to shake life into or out of these bones.  Later.

So much feedback!

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Too much for a summation.  Not all of it is correct, as I see things, which would make full inclusion problematic.  Instead I will paint, with videos and music...  a final note.  Believe as you will.

Slept in.

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It was 7:30 when I finally woke for good.  I was up at 23:00, 3:30:, then 4:30 before, each time my body initially claimed it was morning, time to rise... a very unusual set of circumstances, I might even declare it unique, singular.  No worries, I was able to return to sleep easily, quickly, fully.  I feel rested, or as good as it gets lately.  I would like to understand anomalies better, even more distinct ones.

I set up for waking, then on to morning matters.  Returning, the phone, somewhere, was sounding.  While it wasn't found in time to answer, it was close enough for a successful return call.  As expected, mom.  Called her on the weekend, didn't get through.  She is now on the Doom call-back program (when and if the hell I want and/or can!).  No worries.  I, for one(obviously), get it.  Just a checkup.  All good.  Sounds as if she has been crying... vicariously.  I wonder if an acquaintance is agrieved?  Or just a mild vocal frog?  Some days can just be blue, too, without reason or warning.  Still, good time to call family, even if not to share all.

I have enough tended, more quickly and painlessly than hoped, to begin a push towards the last efforts.  I need to do a money shift from one bank to another today.  Almost lost track of that.  Then to rest and prep for travel.  I... have other plans as well.  Friday travel?  Monday?  I don't know, soon.  I'll do what I can as soon as possible.  Tired, in pain.  So what!  Things to do.

Good day.

One more.

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Someone recalled something relating to the rebuttal.  The mistaken one.  I'd have to call it a bull's-eye.  Had a chuckle, as with my first intro, then use.  Don't take it bad, just... what was, was.  Got, gave, chose, and lost.  Happens, to the best of us.  Oh, right.  This one IS for you, without malice.  And... a few others.

Yes, some of the plan. Plus feedback.

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A check, on medicine.  It was in, loaded, and ready.  A shower and good shave first.  I really wanted a nap but that timed out... either a nap and nothing else, plus maybe destroying my hard won day schedule, or just bull through.  I can't always do my druther.  Today it was done.  First to the post office, mail and a package. It has been in a while, I think?  Got it.

The rest was short and easy.  Meds by drive-through, groceries with a short list.  There were some good prices on a few non-list but preferred items.  I should have enough for most of the month.  I shouldn't do donuts, it's been a while since I have even had carbs, mostly.

Return responses?  Yeah.  The first two are things viewers brought, as I perceive.  The last is from one who thinks this was about her.  It wasn't, really, AA.  Still, I... didn't like it, then chuckled.  She definitely fights like a girl and doesn't quite get it, on top of being wrong.  Still, love the spirit!  At least once I got over the... weird factor.

Only Tuesday?

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It seems as though weeks have passed since Sunday.  Unable to do much.  Stuck, again.  And with someone haunting my space.  Dealing with living ghosts is easier.