Who... is out there?

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Serving up as if they knew something?  

I love...

I knew a biker.

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He was a local biker, until he got in trouble, or thought he was in trouble.  He had been dealing pot, with three others.  Doing well.  Until undisclosed indictments (or such?) came down.  He didn't know if his name was on one of them.  But some of his group, and others he knew, were being arrested out of the blue.  So he ran.  Joined the Banditos.  Is that how it's spelled?  Yes, that gang.  An outlaw motorcycle club, in Arizona?  New Mexico?  Or... somewhere in the Southwest.  He had a knack for fixing bikes.  He suggested that was his in, and only cost of membership.  I know better.

I can see into a man's soul... mind... past... sometimes future.  I looked into those things, with him.  Far from an angel.  However, the darkness he encountered, riding with that crew, he closed his eyes to... even in the time, more so now.  Like a child, in a grown-ups body, watching a movie he couldn't handle.  I could not see what had caused him such trauma.  The only reason I allowed him to become a sort of friend was because of his rejection of the evil he felt he had no capacity to escape... other than closing his inner eyes and mind too... but he did that.  Yes... I... am judgmental.

He... feared me.  I met him at tech school.  He was running a bar, as the general manager.  Had come clean, or... mostly.  His... habits... were difficult to break.  Still, for my part, he was clean-nosed.  He needed a bouncer.  Wasn't sure about me, Ended up bringing me in.  And, generally, being quite happy about it.  I didn't take bribes, steal funds, or... cause too much trouble.  Until... I did.

Then someone attacked me, and got hospitalized.  Then a problem came to the door, and I was sorting it out when he arrived and... cleared things more amicably.  If nothing more than, in truth, it being two to one and even the drunk realizing two tanks weren't even within hope to face.  My friend was my size and a bodybuilder.  Well... roughly my size... two thirds my size, but... enough.

It wasn't just combat.  I had... a way... with even fate.  A young man who wished to do as he pleased became sore with me.  I resisted open combat, for I had... damaged his father.  And, yet, he had to be... managed.  It ends up I made him angry enough that he wound back to punch me in the face... with a cop right behind him.  The cop just grabbed his arm, cuffed it, then the other, and hauled him off.  I... have... ways.  Altering reality, influencing fate, doing what I see fit, one way or another?

And, politics meant nothing to me.  He was very into politics.  Certain names, faces, place-holders, were given allowances.  Certain people were not treated as everybody else, things like that.  I... had zero such care or interest.  And, to his amazement, the world did not punish me for my... worldly sins.  He saw princes managed like children by me, and their people let it go as if I was of a greater clan or evil or power.  He... was not exactly a pushover, but... he... walked the lines.

Yes.  As a biker who had seen things he couldn't watch.  As a drug dealer and user.  As a brute in his own right.  Heck, he won body beautiful in the early~late 80's, in Florida no less...  He... feared me.  He knew I wasn't just not regular, but was irregular in dangerous ways.  He not only feared what I might do, he feared me directly, personally.  In case I found a darkness I would not tolerate.

Well... that sets up the dream.  All of that is real, or as real as I know to tell you.  Delusional?  One can... always hope!

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Nearly ganked.

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I didn't take that much of a dose of insulin.  It must just be that food, tonight, for whatever reason, simply didn't spike blood sugar at all.  Nada, nothing, zip, zilch.  I had planned to wait another hour to check, but then I saw the floor, proverbially, coming up at me.  Wow.  And fast.  I had dropped to 69, and it was falling fast and hard.

I got working on a fatted coffee.  But wasn't going to make it.  So, I went up and found carb tabs.  Downed a decade like an addict does his thing.  Didn't even phase it.  Did buy more time.  So, up and more looking around.  Ahha!  I did find another packet of ten.  Downed those in a moment.  Slowed, but it was still rough.  I went ahead with the fatted coffee.

Feel like hell.  I haven't slid like that in... a very long time.  A piercing headache remains.  Even nausea, a bit of a fever.  The shakes are mostly gone.  That was a hard dive.  I have come around, but just.  Not sure how low it got, too low though.

On the good side, my ribs are really feeling a ton better.  There is still some ripage in there, but it is... splotches, not even a whole region.  And, I would guess, over the area of about half a hand, more toward the mid left-center than under the armpit where it had been.  Not sure what that was about, but hoping it is gone.  Waterpills helped, I am sure.  Just... extra fluid in there?  Must have been a lot, for a while.

Always something, right?  But... I think I have it managed.  And, took enough tabs so that I will take the slow acting.  Now that I have secured the situation.  I do have one more grouping of tabs.  Not sure how I missed those before.  I swear, sometimes, people add, and take away.  It sure seems so.

Nearly back on track, and on to bed shortly.  I'll take painpills, to ease some of  that.  For it is harsh.  And, give it a bit of time to ease things.  Even just a bit of easement makes sleep better, allows for sleep at all possibly.  What a gig, sometimes.  I do my best, but my best just isn't always enough.  Goodnight.

Better, in a number of ways.

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I did have another meal.  Pasghetti, as I like to say.  With zero-carb noodles.  When you get over your carb addiction, and the want of that carb hit you get with regular spaghetti or whatever pasta, these aren't bad.  They have a texture which adds just... a something.  They have no real flavor.  And they don't grab sauce extremely well.  They just offer the texture of pasta, or rice.

I was satisfied.  I spiced my own tomatoes, just plain stewed.  Ginger, pepper, the hotter cayenne, regular hot pepper flakes as well as the milder of the hotter ones, salt, and coriander... it varies.  Sometimes I use white pepper, or add cumin.  Well, and other variants.  There is so much to be done with spice.  The trick is to add just enough that a... sensation happens.  But not enough to actually be able to tell exactly what it is.  Though some have very good tongues.  I can muddle my way to a recipe, should I try.  Perfectly?  I don't think there is such a thing as perfection, in this area.  Especially when people can be so secretive, and try to fool you.  The more fun a game to play, though, for it?  I think so.

Blood sugar was really good.  At 109 before this last meal, it had come down.  I'll check it one more time before bedtime.  I did take insulin with the meal.  Even carb free, for whatever reason, I am still rather subject to blood sugar bounces.  Even with, really, a single serving meal... mostly rightly.  I also have the slow acting stuff set up.  So will be taking that after checking blood sugar.  I just want to make sure I didn't overdo it.  If so, I found another decade of carb tabs.  They sent three.  Which is fine.  I ordered mints, which should be here shortly.  Carb tabs are too expensive, for me.  Better to have around, if I could afford them.  But the mints are so much cheaper, and made of the same stuff regardless of what they tell you.  I... get their program, with that.  But my blood sugar seems to jump and scramble, or collapse at a seeming breeze.  I need more, around, than just a few.  Then again, mints are good storage items, and it's... that time, again.

Oh, I finished watching the news report.  I... really liked it.  The more I saw, the better I felt about the news I was getting.  India has a lot of competition, a lot of enemies, not true friends... especially not America.  They are... going to tell it as they want to tell it, see it.  And, that makes them more viable.  Full trust?  Not a chance.  But... more.  More better.  Any time I watch news, I keep looking for the bugbear or write-overs, changes, edits.  I see them, but... not... too bad.

It is 51 or so out there.  Sleep should be nice, when I can get to it.  I want to be up another hour, or so.  To do a final check on blood sugar.  Hopefully to bed earlier than yesterday.  And, maybe, back up before this morning's waking.  Or... better than lately.

No more stairs.  I... did what I could.  Crashing, though not from food, or blood sugar, or even too much effort.  Just... it's time.  I'll keep at it, though.  Goodnight.  Oh, and yes, prayers going out for all and sundry.  Goodnight indeed.

The news.

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Mind you, it is all propaganda.  The question is, who is writing it?  American and European news is broken.  When they offer reports, showing a Ukrainian unit taking out Russians, and it ends up being paintball equipment?  Well, and etc ad nauseum?  No.  No need to bother with such absolute bold-faced liars.

Now, Russia can't be trusted.  Because.  Same with China.  At this point, government and media involvements are purely pseudo-nationalist.  The American-Euro group, Chinese, and Russian.  The latter two have many offshoots, and some inter-involvements.  Iran, North Korea, Cuba, and some others... when they speak it is a puppets or at least distant allies.

Who is left?  India?  Maybe.  The trick is finding the news I am looking for.  This is regarding rockets, and Putin's notion of nukes.  And, yes, it may well happen.  If, too, I am honestly beginning to think that IS the point, from Biden's side.  Whoever is handling him is more worried about what else could happen, than the deaths of millions.  Which tells me they are really up against a lot of trouble.  They are losing... power... wealth... control.  And, so, they would rather the world go down the shitter than that they lose control.

A start. Two, really.

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Stairs.  I did some number of set of stairs, with boxes... heavy boxes, earlier.  While that wasn't a part of the program, it... is... a part of the program.  If nothing else, it was the sense of immediacy, when I have things to do.  Though that is not always going to be possible, when it is, that is a solid part of reaching goals.  So, beside doing the stairs, it was doing that right when it was time.  As soon as I could.

Next, as I got up to... do or check something?  Right, it is 71 outside.  I was wondering.  Overcast, with some more possibility for rain.  Though, who knows.  At elevation, maybe snow even yet?  Crazy out there, but... okay.

While up, I decided to hit the stairs, to the upstairs not downstairs this time.  I planned ten sets, a set being up and down.  I... only made it to four sets.  This time.  That first group, with foods in arms, got to me.  I suppose I might have pushed, but the problem with pushing, on steps, is... you are on steps.  As strength drains, at the rate it was drained, agility goes away.  Losing my step, for me, wouldn't, probably, be a great risk.  But, then again, a twisted ankle or broken something, could really put a hold on plans.  So... I stopped at four.  I won't hit it again, for a while.  But I could see another group, of some number, several times more today.  Maybe.

Now, how many sets of just how many I can do, per day, without causing problems?  I honestly don't know.  Health is an issue, as is condition.  What are the limits.  Beyond that, what are the limits which would allow me some quality of life?  If I work so much that I become unable to feed myself, that isn't helpful in the end.  I really don't know.  Nor do I know if I can actually improve, or how much.

I have been down, for a goodly time.  Getting back on medicine has been brutal, as usual.  But, I may be improving, acclimating to the levels, mostly.  Still troubled by the medicines, but staying on them, at the levels necessary.  If I haven't been checking bp... yet.  I... need to start that too.  But blood sugar is getting back in shape.  It was 113 at waking, and is 141 currently (without having eaten, but whatever).  I am doing what I can do.  Now to see if I can do more?  Will be trying.

Even four sets, per day?  And, if that gets easier, adding weight... a pack, or boxes of something?  Of course, at some point, sheer boredom sets in.  Then, perhaps walking, outdoors?  Maybe.  Or, driving somewhere, for short hikes... initially such easy hikes nothing is needed, but then going longer and steeper, and with water, food, rain gear, and... even just weights, or my whole gear, and food, and all.  Perhaps more.  I had been hiking with between fifty and seventy pounds, at one point... a few miles only.  Too much, at least to start.  But... I could see doing that, eventually, for ten miles... with plans on longer hikes with much less weight?  Aye.  I really could see that.

Yes.  A start.  But... can I get other things going?  Back to work in the house?  It is warmer.  That is helping.  Work.  Getting to it.  Just... getting at it.  If possible, work hours a day.  I might be becoming able again.  I'm going to give it a go.  But, I... need a little rest first.  And I am hungry.  Perhaps sardines, and water.  And a very light dose of fast acting insulin?  Yea.  Yes.  I think so.  A bit of gaming as I catch back to my next move.  Good day.

Up!?!

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Before the alarm, but just.  15:30  I had a large shipment of various orders in.  Canned corn and beans and other veggies, cat food (which they ripped me off regarding), and mostly stocks of various foods of various sorts.  I even bit the hook on keto pancake mix.  It may be overpriced trash, or it might be okay.  Though... that means I have to do something with it.  As well, I have some wonder about using it as a hotdog dip bun?  And some other notions?  Not sure it is economical enough for that, or would even work.  But I was born with plans.  I would say... 78 to 95 percent don't pan out well enough to be used, or more than once, or for ongoing regular use.  But... plans I have, and use, and do, and...  zzz  When I can stay awake, these days.

So, I got those down.  Stowed.  Good.  I wasn't sure I would be able to do so.  Panting at the end.  And a bit heated.  But... not as bad as I worried.  Not just down, but stowed and sorted to some degree.  More is coming.  Food, people.  Buy some f'ing food.  Imagine banks down.  Imagine stores simply closed, without groceries.  It has little to do with supply, if it looks like they are purposefully interrupting and sabotaging supplies, suppliers, and manufacturers... if those aren't the biggest problems.  Look at the price of diesel.  Right?  Now, think about replacement parts for vehicles.  Big, and little, rigs... even motor vehicles.  How... does everything get everywhere?  Food, people.  At least enough to get you through a week.  Though a month would be better.  Three better still.  A year even better.  With an understanding, however, that the more you have, the more you have to guard.

And, don't forget, you still need toilet paper, soap would be good, cleaning supplies are required.  And every other consumable you use on a frequent basis.  Only use a teaspoon of vinegar at a time?  Cool.  How long does a quart last?  Gallon?  How much salt, sugar, pepper, do you use?  How much do you have?  When people go hungry, most go feral.  Most don't do well with little or no food.  When Russians were freezing and starving, they ate young, single, women more than others.  Yes, they did.  After dogs and children were gone, I suppose?  Don't be Russians.  Don't allow them to make you into Russians.  Or North Koreans, or Chinese.

I'm not sure how long they can keep things broken, and how much they will continue to break.  But they seem to be having a temper tantrum about us not choosing their poisons at their prices.  We don't want central planning, even if it were actually beneficent.  Which, in these cases, it isn't.  A person, who has been vaccinated, doesn't get the disease.  That is what vaccine means.  Which is why I call it the vax.  It has nothing to do with medicine, if some of that was already questionable... I had backed away from those a decade or more ago.  Their best interests have nothing to do with my good health.  Same goes for food production.  And they are pissed about that.

Anyway... doing what I can.  It is woefully little.  I am trying to keep money from staying in the bank, for the most part.  There is something, being considered, that way... but for logistics, not... any accruement of wealth.  The dollar, with this interest rate, at that inflation, is a net loss.  Holding it does no good, other than in an attempt to collect enough to do something more with it.  It's an ugly world, and getting uglier.  Wait until they have digital price tags on your food, so you don't know the cost until you get to the counter, because it goes up that fast.  Food, people.  What you can get.  Even just a few extra cans, here or there.  Or prepare to join or be eaten by the pack.

Still, I have it in, down, and stowed.  I'll get something going for supper, soon.  And fry the burger, and store that for taco salads and else.  Then clean up the pots and pans, again.  

Oh, something else I ordered, after checking things, is a smaller tarp/rain fly.  The one I have is just too big.  So I went down to a ten by ten, square.  Will try that.  And, hiking poles which are better.  They cost half the pair I have, but after having them for a while, you learn what is good.  Extra length, available for me... good in general, but especially going downhill.  Clip adjustments, rather than twist.  Twist just... I'm never sure... completely.  Clips just open, move to desired length, then fold back.  Never any doubt, no slippage, nice.  Little improvements and updates of gear.  Who knows, may find myself afoot, for good or ill, before long.  I really need to do... something.  If I can, I may start trying to do the stairs.  Just a few, at first, when I get up to grab water, coffee, or food, or go to the bathroom.  Just... a few.  though, pushing toward more.

My health is a real limit.  I am not sure how much of a limit.  May bury myself just trying, or... might... improve.  Especially on medicine rightly, and eating a bit better and more regularly?  God knows, I'll... do what I can.  Not just for life, but I live for Him... or was.  Now I am back to living for myself in the way I think He wills it.  From the prodigal son, to the servant, and back into the fold.  Hell of a ride.  Grateful for the opportunity.  And, while I could lament my faults, grievous faults, I won't dwell on that.  He does not wish it.  And... I have better things to do.  Amen.

Well?!?

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Darkening, out there.  Cooling?  Not warming, or much.  I had the front door open for a bit.  With the other open places, it became too cool.  Had to close the door.  The rest remains open, or cracked, and quite pleasant.  It has been a beautiful morning.  However, no matter how wonderful, because of the cool and dark, I am fading.

Blood sugar was 169 fasting.  That after eating heavily before bedtime.  If not heavily, based more at near bedtime.  I ate less than I used to eat single meals, over two meals.  Just... it was all nearing bedtime.  Still, it is lower than the blood sugar, and trend line, for the last several days.  Can't seem to think, to write... trying.

A bit of fatted coffee, using the powdered cream to see... some things.  That and a smaller dose of insulin.  I had hoped that would allow me to stay up to noon.  Well?  It actually nearly has.  Hmm, time passes as one wanes?  Waxes, actually.  If sometimes, which direction it is actually going is difficult to tell.  Fading fast now.

Yes, well.  I'll go on up, rest a bit, or sleep a lot.  I just don't know.  I'll set the alarm, but for four hours.  Most likely, however, if I'm not up in two hours, it'll be more like six or eight hours down.  Alarms are nice, but... what can they do for the mostly dead?  Not much, at least for me.

Good... day... night?

Awake?

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We will see, but... I think so.

A call.  Early.  I went to bed at three.  The call was about an hour ago, so around 7:30 or a bit after.  When land lines where a thing, ill news could be sensed more readily.  And, sometimes I wouldn't answer in some bid to avoid it.  It seems, I am now able to get that vibe from the cellphone.  Though, in these days, I answer as quickly as possible.  For... many reasons... I have come to believe in facing whatever difficulty, danger, problem, or loss head on, quickly, and as honorably as possible.

First to figure out how to answer.  That early, with that little sleep, the mind... memory... were confused.  Having it on "do not bother" (save for those in my list) means I have to go through a number of sub-menus to get to where to answer.  Then I have to hold a spot on the touchscreen... or just touch it?  I still am not sure, and with potential lag there may not be a difference.

Mom.  But too late.  So I called her back.  No response.  But I left the phone where it would be easy to find.  And put the method into a frontloaded memory, so I could fly through if she called back.  Which she did, shortly.  And, I was correct in my assessment.  She has covid.

So, I'll ask for prayers for my mother.  Whatever you think of me matters little.  Just a quick prayer would be appreciated.  She has had it for three days.  The first day she could not roll on her own.  She is in bad shape, sleeping a lot, and would be in serious trouble on her own.  So... it's good she is where she is.  I just hope they don't have intubation there, or take her to such a device.  Yes, she is as vaxxed as she can be.  No, I won't even discuss that, just to say... vaxxes don't vaccinate these days.  Regardless of her willingness or not, she didn't have a choice to be where she has to be, so... it wasn't a choice in any case.

I said a quick prayer, then went back down.  Said a short prayer again as I was waking.  Sassy helped me.  She's such a champ, sport.  Anyway... now I seem to be awake.  It is a good day.  It is 57 outside, 70 upstairs, and 69 all around downstairs, with windows open or ajar about, and now the door too.  There are 69 degree days, with the furnace making it so, which are frigid.  This, a natural such temp day, but blended with many similar yesterdays, is about as perfectly pleasant as I could hope.  Smells of spring.

Later.

Wonderful.

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I finally got some of the foods cooked.  Brats, chops, and a roast.  As well, I went ahead and had to meals, plus a warm drink earlier on.  Oh, no, nothing alcoholic.  Fine as those can be, I'm pretty much done with alcohol.  No, I used powdered beef bullion, and powdered whole cream.  Sort of... a warm beef broth soup.

Why powdered whole cream?  I wanted to see how good, or bad, it is.  To have some on hand for times when I can't afford, or obtain, cream.  Well, and as something for backpacking and camping.  And, to be honest?  Not bad.  It is far superior to most creamers out there, and is actual condensed cream.  No carbs, per se, no ingredient list, and really not all that expensive.  My guess is central planners have them dumping most dairy.  This is just one saving step away?  Who knows what is really going on, but this stuff will do.

Oh, and the bullion works.  Though at a quarter of the rate they recommend.  If I used their instructions, I would have added four tablespoons.  I actually used, say, between two and three teaspoons, for a quart.  Adding two tablespoons of the cream powder.  It was rather tasty, warm, beefy, and very low carb.

I have been experimenting with things, in theory, I want for my storage.  Lately it has been success after success.  Now, though, to get enough in storage to be worth having.  Some of it is expensive, but it all costs something.  And time is not on our side, right at this moment.  

With the chops, I heated spinach.  This time I had it with vinegar.  Right out of the just opened can, the stuff is fishy.  Heated, either in a casserole or just warmed in a sauce pan, and it is... actually, very good.  And, as mentioned, not all water.  Not even majority fluid.  I really am pleased with that.

After those, I cooked brats, oven baked after a minor browning.  Those are put away.  Then beef roast.  I had a bit more of that, with the last part of spinach.  Oh!  I have been spoiled, for meals, tonight.  

I am also cutting back.  The chops I order are probably a quarter inch.  And, the roast was sliced rather thin.  Very good, very good.  But not too much.  Can you eat too much spinach?  Oh, right, as well, I had fresh steamed broccoli and cauliflower with butter.  Life is good.  Spinach, I learned later in life, goes will with butter, salt, and pepper too.  But, with butter on an earlier dish, I... went with vinegar for spinach.

I had hoped to get burger done tonight, but I think that is that.  I think it is bedtime.  Sweet dreams, or really good nightmares?  I... like mine, but only if I wake in a cold terror.  Otherwise what is the use?  Though, since most of you don't share my particular type of darkly sweet tooth, I'll pray for sweeter dreams, of the sort most enjoy... for you.  Goodnight.

An odd day.

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I keep expecting it to heat up.  And, it might, any day.  But not today.  It got up to 74, the warmest I saw it.  It is cooling already, even an hour or two ago it started going down.  It has become partly to mostly overcast, but... lightly.  The clouds are big, thick, but... nearly see through, give or take.  Still?  As wonderful a day as one could order up.  More so since it wasn't just freezing, or burning, so this isn't a jump one way or the other.  A very gentle warming.

I'll take it as long as it will give it.  This is almost an unimaginably gentle start to June.  I expected 90, maybe even a pop into the 100s.  No, I won't complain.  Even if it jumps to that, mother nature has been more than kind.  And, if that doesn't happen, I won't worry.  As to food production, and else?  While everything is going crazy?  It... isn't what it seems.

The prices are going crazy, because all food production is connected, and government involved.  Why do you think they put sugar in everything?  It's because the government is subsidizing sugar, which makes it too expensive, but the government ends up with warehouses of the stuff.  It has to get rid of it, and does.  You are the governments sugar dump... as an example.  

What, I think, has happened, is people have stopped buying whatever they are selling.  Their jars and boxes and else of chemical who-knows-what just isn't good.  From plastics in our genomes, from it, to diabetes we can't seem to beat, cancer at a crazy rate, and other illnesses, we know it's the food.  Any major non-viral illness increase is food related, especially one from years, decades, in the making.

So, people have gone to trying to eat from raw.  Not sure why that isn't working, I am beginning to wonder if they aren't literally poisoning meats and veggies, even the raw, somehow.  Either it's in livestock feed, or some part of the processing.  Adding sugars, somehow?  What I am sure of?  The big companies are not going to let people go without a fight.  If we won't eat their poison, we will eat poison... one way or the other.

They are going broke printing food as good as the dollar they are spending, borrowing, to become rich?  Everything is upside down.  And, yes, they hate us for this.  They don't want you to cook, not real food.  They want you to cook and eat whatever it is they give you, provide for you, cheaply.  Even if you can't pronounce half the ingredients in a can of corn?  Not their, or your, problem... according to them.  But it is.  And, while people are just barely awake, or even like me barely alive, we know.  That food isn't food.

I may not have figured out how to eat better.  I try.  But from raw hasn't really proven out.  Which means, to me, the rot in the food industry is much deeper.  I don't know what to do about it.  I can't garden, or I would try that.  Though, to be honest, to garden enough to even just manage vegetable needs, for one, for a year?  Well... assuming, as any farmer knows, that the crop comes in, doesn't get hailed out, or eaten by bugs or animals... or unkind neighbors?  That... much crop, just for one, would take... two to three days a week of work, for pretty much three to four months, or more, just to grow, weed, water, and otherwise manage.  To process?  Add another three or four days a month?  At least.  

Sure.  A couple days... say fifteen to twenty hours a week, plus another week or two for processing, over a summer, could get you pretty well on the way.  But it wouldn't do for a full year, total supply.  Then again, unless you live in Hawaii or some parts of California or such, you... won't garden enough to feed yourself year around.  Winters, here, would preclude almost everything.  I'm not sure if a greenhouse could get some things or not, but I have doubts.

Well, and... what are you using for fertilizers, pesticides, and how good is the water you are using?  Have you actually tested it?  And the soil you are using?  Has it been tested?  You'd be surprised how toxic some areas are.

All I am saying is, growing it yourself isn't possible, without more than a solo operation.  Keeping it secure, even worse.  Then, of course, storing it takes skills, time, money, energy.  For someone like me, there... really isn't an option.  I can try to watch what is coming in.  I can be somewhat cautious with this or that.  But...  Even so, even me?  I am enraging the food corporations.  I am demanding, and finding, better.  Doing my best.  If still, somehow, losing.

That is what a lot of the problems are.  It has nothing to do with availability.  People have put their feet down, and corporations and governments are fighting against that.  While I don't believe in organic, I do recommend farmers market (which supplies organic and real produce).  The thing is, if the government and corpo-cronies can't break your will to better food, they can break your bank, and backs.  That is what is happening.

Anyway...  I'll keep at it, keep trying.  And enjoy the days, as possible.  I cleaned the pots and pans, and will get to a bit of cooking and roasting tonight.  I am hoping to make several things, for through the week.  Another roast, some chops for tonight, and burger crumble for taco salads, and such.  Ugh.  I have the last bits of fresh veggies, as well.  Yes, chops and veggies, for supper.  The rest for through the week.  I'll do my best, if my best doesn't seem to be doing all that well.  Later.

Very late.

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To bed and awake.  I just... ended up feeling that post pull itself out of me, with great resistance.  It took... a while.  Had meant to be in bed much earlier.  Ghosts won't rest without being recognized, and perhaps some form of purging.  Real?  Who even believes in ghosts.  I don't.  Just because I believe I have been involved with them, doesn't mean I believe.  At a minimum, I would have to proof my brain, emotional capacity, and some other things.

Psychology is a fail, in those matters.  Actually, I would suggest that most people who are in the filed are so far beyond questionable, both as income seekers and as questionable people on the flat surface of it, that you can't get a solid reading from there.  Anyone who goes to them would, most likely, fall into that trap.  Technically, everyone, to them, is ill.  Needs treatment.  Should be outlawed.  And that is the verbal side of it.  The medical side of it should be outlawed as well, and all practitioners imprisoned for the harms they have, and most of them knowingly, done.  Truths.

So, how does one go about assessing one's own sanity?  One... doesn't.  You live.  You have neighbors.  You have law enforcement around.  You have tasks you must do.  You go about these.  And, if someone has too serious of a problem, with you, then... it will become rather apparent.  And, then, someone will step in and alter things... or try.  Which... leaves a lot of room for... negotiation.  

All I can, with absolute certainty, tell you is... just because you see something, doesn't mean it exists.  Much as, just because you don't see something, doesn't mean it doesn't exist.  From currants or wind to ghosts or lightning balls.  Though, whether your brain is suggesting something that isn't there, or your eyes are seeing something they don't, or even can't, understand, is altogether a different question.

So... these ghosts.  That haunt me?  Do not worry too much.  You know damned well I am dying.  And, whether I am seeing beyond the veil, or remembering from having been there, or just going through psychic fits, as the mind nears that edge... it's all good.  It isn't a harm to you.  If you choose to take offense, to things written or considered here?  Why the fuck are you here?

Though, it looks like most of you have gone.  Or they are hiding visitor numbers.  I... don't care.  The thing is, I do sense you.  That, too, may be some... confusion.  But I don't think so.  What does confuse me, again, is why you visit if you... are so bothered... some of you.  I... don't get that.  Not really my problem, to a degree.  But you sort of insist on making it my problem, though, too... don't you.  Your hatred is felt, even in person.  Yes, I see it.

Well... awake.  I need a shower, and to hit dishes.  I need to cook.  The bathroom needs hit, and the kitchen.  Not too tired, but I do need to wake up.  It is 73 out there, or was at around 13:20ish.  The furnace was turned off, and the upstairs windows left open, with fans going, and the door to the downstairs open.  Just from 67 to 71 around the house.  Very partly cloudy out, hazy.  But... nice.  This is as perfect as day as I have seen in a while.

Blood sugar is down a a bit, at 169 fasting... from 193 fasting and 174 fasting the previous days.  The 193... I know why that was... didn't take the slow acting the night before, so...  Still, doing pretty well on medicine.  Insulin is what gets forgotten more often, lately.  But, still, a rarer thing.  Doing everything I can to get and keep on track.  And, given how exhausted I have been, doing pretty good.

Later.

Some of it.

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Some of the story.  Never all of it.  Sometimes more.

The Phoenix?

On to bed?

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Yes.  Because, for some reason, I can.  And, I want to sleep.  Very strange that I might be able to sleep so early, after missing and crashing and else lately.  Who knows, perhaps I haven't messed up days and nights, other than temporarily?  Will find out.  So tired, I should be able to sleep well, nicely.

Blood sugar is high, 184.  I had it down to 127 earlier.  Not... sure what the problem is.  I'll have just a small dose of fast acting, with a cup of fruit.  Then make sure to take the slow acting.  Lowering that.  I have lowered it 2 cc's.  Tomorrow and the day after, depending on fasting reading, I may lower it some more.  Will just have to wait and see.

I remember this song, from highschool, the early part of it.  Though it may have been from before I was even in highschool?  Hmm, a quick check.  Nope, in highschool, and near the end.  I heard the song, but where I lived, we just didn't have cable, many channels.  So I never did see them.  Bleh.  At least they aren't as bad as the big hair bands.  I liked them, too, but not for style.

Have you ever been seeking?

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But just not finding?  Well, that has been my problem for some time.  It isn't the hammock that is difficult, or of concern.  It was the tarp.  I wanted to a video, or other resource, which covers tarp configurations.  Various.  I have been looking for, a year?  Three?  Maybe even five years.

The query seems simple.  Though, with each additional variable included... tarp... hammock camping... and anything else... porch, "A", etc., the quality of results diminishes.  Though, even keeping it very simple, figuring out which ones offer what, without watching them all, is beyond tricky.  So... over time, through frustration, eventually a video is found.  Why this one took so long, and was so difficult, I can't say.

I would even say that many people who put up tarps don't... seem to actually know how to put up tarps!  They were copying someone, perhaps even just off-screen.  They don't seem to know what they were doing, so couldn't really get me to the idea of how to alter that, or ideas.  Something I hadn't thought about, until this, was using the tarp, in the rain, to catch water.  That will take trial and error, to get water into canteens.  But, just the idea... is... quite simple, and yet eloquent... in a backwoods sort of way.  Yes, sure, it makes perfect common sense.  But... who has common sense these days?

Anyway... This is what I was looking for.  So pleased with it, decided to put it up.  Hopefully to be available in the future.  But, if nothing else, to share good dope when I find it.  Uhrm, dope means data, knowledge, not the... stupid stuff people waste themselves on.  Anyway... here you go.

No speeches.

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They keep trying to push speeches.  I keep killing them.  Even when I had favorite stars, or favorite historic figures, even when I had politicians I had some belief in?  No.  Speeches were always out.  That and poetry.  I have started liking, and allowing, poetry.  But with some limits.  At least with poetry, people realize it is... an emotional thing.

When someone gives a speech?  If it raises you up, makes you feel better, patriotic, or else?  It's... emotional.  What I started doing was looking at what the politician or whatnot was saying, and what was done for or after it.  Usually?  Nothing.  At best, often, nothing.  At worst?  They did what they said, but it not only failed, it was ruinous.  Oddly, in between those is when they did something else to little or no effect.

Basically, though, most of them lied.  They lied about their intentions.  They lied about any problem or perceived problem.  They liked about what had been done or was being planned.  And, usually, the problem wasn't a problem, the solution couldn't therefore work, though someone probably got a lump of money to do something that wasn't what was suggested, which failed because there wasn't a problem, and if there had been, the proposed solution was foolish even if it had been used.

Well, and sports?  Keep the 'groids on the drug train, becoming millionaires by making billionaires rich.  Not a bad gig, and it keeps them out of prison where many of them actually belong.  I'm surprised they haven't just created private prison sports teams.  That way, they could really cut down on team expenses.  And, with minor allowances, keep the players just as incentivized.  Yeah, those speeches are even worse than political or corporate speeches.

So, no.  No speeches.  Action.  Ideas.  Religion.  Poetry.  But no lying liars going on for a few minutes to hours.  Enjoy them elsewhere, if you enjoy them.  Does anyone actually go watch rallies?  I wouldn't even have gone to see Trump.  I knew he was lying, which is why I didn't vote.  More, I knew, even though he sort of believed in some things, he was saying, he was surrounded by people who didn't.  Most of the people around him hated Americans.  And... they liked Americans more than even the other side, for what little that really means as well.

No speeches.  No rallies.  It's all bupkis.  I am interested to see what Trump has to say next time.  Since I know he will lie, won't build a wall even with the money and courts allowing it, I wonder what his next ideas will be.  Oh, he wasn't bad.  Probably as good as we can get, at this point.  But... that... just isn't good enough.  Still, I wish him luck.  If I think even he has to know the winner is chosen, just not by the people.  He has to know that, at this point.  So, what, does he think he can get the kingmakers on his side?  Should be interesting.  Honestly, I am surprised he is still alive.  Wishing him luck, though, too, hope he gets rid of many of his groomers.

Down rather later, up rather late.

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I've lost my hold on things.  The cool, and dark, got to me.  The sun was up today!  Though I will be honest, I feared the heat.  I kept expecting to be blistered awake.  Or to begin fever nightmare sleeping.  I couldn't do much about anything, though.  Just... too tired to move.  So, I laid there, half expecting... terrible things.

I am a bit surprised that, at noon thirty, I am awake.  And, without having had to go through fevered dream waking, or sleeping.  The thermometer read 67 the last few times I checked it.  As I went to bed, while I don't think the sun had peaked the crests it was light out there.  Five, six?  I just can't be sure.  Four at the very earliest, but I don't think four is that light.  Certainly not yet?

It was good to have light, even if there was no way it was going to wake me.  Just, after a week of dark, and lots of time before the short bit of sunshine we had before that (if it had gotten... comparatively... hot already in that short run), sunshine is... sorely missed.  And, like it or not, we have been given as much reprieve as possible.  It is time for it to begin heating up again.

I had forgotten slow acting insulin last night.  So I am taking it this morning.  Oddly, blood sugar is down by twenty points compared to yesterday morning.  Well, twelve points... from 190 to 178 fasting.  But, it had been 237 last night, before a final dose of fast acting.  So... better all around.  And it is 154 weekly average, which is down from 160 yesterday.  Slightly down on monthly average of 164 if I... don't think that covers, honestly, much more than two weeks.  So... Odd, but... good.  Better in numbers solid in trend.

Ribs are still rough.  It isn't that they are improving?  It is more that the area of damage, pain, suffering, is shrinking.  It was from the near whole of the left side of my ribcage to just the size of my hand cupped in there.  Still a big area, most people can't eat a steak the size of my hand, even a solid man.  Of course, if you make it an inch or three thick, you can eliminate pretty much all men.  So, it still hurts fairly solidly.  

I am only adding extra water pills every other day, as it really seemed to help until it pretty much stopped working.  Taking it to every other day, half by accident?  Partly with that notion on my mind?  It... just happened, seemed to work better.  So I have continued.  And, any day I don't void extra?  I may actually skip two days.  But it does seem to helping, of more intermittently now.  The pump can only pull just so much.  Then the cavity has to close up, so the pumping action will work again?  I don't know.  I just know that... I found a method that seems to work... if how it works, or why it works the way it does, or such, is all speculation.

Well... I am awake.  Life is okay.  The sun is up.  My ribs are improving... extra water pills today... it's been two days without... feels like it is time again.  Slow acting in.  Water heating.  Oh, and I tried bullion last night.  Way salty, for what they suggest.  They suggested a tablespoon per cup.  I'd go a tablespoon per quart, from now on.  Just... something warm, but not caffeine, which would go well with butter and/or cream.  I suppose I could even add protein powder.  And, still salty, but... it's... something.

I could add chia in with that, for savory.  Or, in time, hemp hearts.  Trying to figure out foods for on the trail, or on the run.  I'm not sure how much of that really is absorbed.  Super foods really aren't super.  Lies told to vegans, or whoever else is buying.  There is no magic food.  Still, these things are filling enough, tasty, I can handle the texture, and mix in other things that work.  So... I'll... take it.  I'm just not a believer.  Then again, just for the fiber action?  There is more benefits than just simple nutrition.  And, yes, that... has solid value.

I have, mostly, been doing intermittent fasting.  Eating just twice, and within eight hours.  I have been limited in my ability to be sure, track, and keep on track.  But, I think that will be improving.  Even if the clouds came back, having a day of sun will reset things.  Though, most likely, clouds are gone.  It's now the heat to be fretted.  But... that is a more activating fear.  It pushes me.  So, tracking, and keeping to a schedule, should be... easier, and more likely.

Anyway... I'll... try to get a shower in.  Get dishes done.  Do some laundry.  Maybe set up the hammock.  And do chores.  Well, and reset the litter boxes, putting the third one back into action again?  Yeah.  Later.

I almost think...

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I am all but sure the second video was some sort of... response.  Not... necessarily by the who of whom I speak?  :p  Not even sure I got the grammar correct... grammar?  Or... something like that.  All around.  Hilarity pursueth no less than the heart... or tongue...  mon cheri.

She thinks...

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She thinks guns are the problem.

Difficulties.

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I am having a horrible time getting up.  Just standing, for long enough to do much, is... difficult.  I am hoping warmer weather will help.  Though, that it not get too hot, too fast... which is most likely exactly what will happen.  Which... will crush me the other way.  All I can do is hope, and pray.

I did check the meats.  All were thawed.  I turned the heat down, just a bit.  It is 56 outside, but keeping it 76 indoors, for now.  Much cooler, after days of it being too cold, and I... can't wake up.  I will turn it down to 72 for overnight.  I may even turn off the heat.  As, in short order, the world will be warming up, by a lot.  So... I may turn it off over nights, and check in the morning.  I can, if I remember, and can think, turn the heat up as I wake.

I've been watching vids about the Amish.  We had some, and Mennonites, where I used to live.  I... rarely had social interaction.  Some, but limited.  I was comfortable with them.  And, actually, they were rather comfortable with me.  That I spoke German, half well at the time, did help.  They spoke a sort of German that would be like reading from the King James bible... a bit... antiquated.  Given my natures, I understood them fairly well, and could impress them with my ability and willingness to... speak in their ways.  The light, in their eyes, when they realize you are... translating on the fly?  Finally... an English who... can and will hear and speak?  :)  Seriously, their eyes would light up, like... children at Christmas, when I gave it my best shot at speaking their way.  

Remember, the first bible I read was the King James, and I read it when I was in... 7th grade.  That's when my teacher, Mr. Severinson (sp?), snuck up on me in class.  He gave us time to study.  But I had finished my homework.  So...  So was reading the bible.  He thought I was probably reading a comic, and was going to smack me in the back of the head.  The bible, though?  No.  Yea, they did that back then.

He told my mother about it later on.  I did let him know that I had actually completed homework.  He still didn't believe me, but... I... not being as well versed then as now, swore on the bible that I had not lied.  I do think he ended up believing me.  I think I even remembered the homework, in particular.  Not the problems, but the pages and most of the numbers.  I don't think he had that listed, so just took my word on it, along with the oath.  My mother still chuckles about that, or... used to?  Not sure if she remembers.

So, yea.  And, as I have learned foreign languages, or when I did, I... often would go to their "gothic", older, forms.  As much for practical skills and understanding roots and beginnings as for the... curious nature of the old ways.  When language was sort of broken, but custom and beautiful for it?  Something like that.

Anyway.  Now, I couldn't become Amish.  It isn't my faith.  But I could be a neighbor, friend, to one.  And would have no trouble helping one.  Though most I knew were Mennonite, and didn't need a driver, or modern facilitator... like having a cellphone they could use, in emergencies, or such.  Plus... their work.  They... really work hard, every day.  That isn't, technically, a problem.  But my health makes it into one.  I couldn't be a full member for it, I think.

Still... it's a good day.  Even if I can't do much.  Still hoping to get a shower.  But... who knows.  I may see about ordering a shower seat, for when I can't stand well, like lately.  Cold, hot, ill, whatever... sometimes I just can't get in there.  Not even sure a shower chair will help, but it might.  Later.