A time for everything, but a place for everyone?

I think I will try to sleep the night. Nothing seems to be working the other way and I am quite tired. Perhaps I will be able to rise with my alarm tomorrow. This is frustrating, but not debilitating. If you saw Galaxy Quest and remember the scene where they are taking the ship out of the space port, you will remember how the ship began going off course, and the captain among others, began leaning their heads as if to fix it, yet nothing worked, and with all the noise and concern, no one and nothing was hurt. That is how it seems here. Just off kilter a bit, sleep wise. The other aspects of life are fine.

The evening went well with my lady friend. She was actually quite good company. We played two games, and shared some coffee. As I was getting coffee while she prepared the board for play, I noticed her dishes were few and her kitchen kempt, so I left things as such. As I was initially preparing to leave she prepared for sleep. She always sleeps in pajamas, and was in them in any case, because of her condition. She requested the thermometer, so I put off leaving. Her near 100 F temperature remains. She was comfortable enough to sleep, and now tired from the games. So, after finishing her reading, I collected the device, sterilized it, and returned the various items to their proper places. I assured she needed no supplies from the grocery or drug store. Having done that, I was packing to leave when she requested a few minor adjustments to her quarters; a few windows needed to have their curtains parted; one window was closed, but needed a certain specific item to be kept open or to be left alone as she commanded; the item was found in spite of her turning the lights off in her nest and it being past sundown, and so this too was done; the glass of the screen section needed opened of course it’s screen replaced to a secure position, and then it’s curtain adjusted to allow air flow. She then suggested I might be asked to take her to the doctor’s office on the morrow should her condition persist. I assured her that she would have priority and that I would leave my cel on and plugged in near my bed, should I not rise I always seem to wake to a call. I believe I left her in good stead, and a bit happier, if not healthier.

As I returned, I saw that the neighbors had not returned to the hospital. A downstairs light came on as I was returning to the cave. I try not to look in on people, day or night though so I can say nothing more. I prefer to think of windows as tools for the occupants only. Doors alone may allow the use of an abode’s windows, should that door be opened and entrance permitted for that particular individual. When I entered my house, my pants felt a bit odd, so I investigated further. Wow, I had been thinking I was dropping from a 42 to a 40 waist, but I am thinking that this is more like a 38. I cannot afford this now. Well, maybe a few belts. It would be stopgap, unless I drop even more. I am nervous and excited about this development.

While responding to a few commenters tonight, I went through some kind of emotional storm, perhaps two. I am still not quite over it. Shaken and stirred, I think, perhaps on the rocks as well. Sometimes a thought or a comment just cuts right to the quick of my soul. Perhaps a weakness to one lead to a weakness for the other. Perhaps I am just vulnerable to both of these topics. I just cannot say for certain.

The first was a happenstance reaction to a response I was making to a fun comment. I do realize, more now, that even in the depths of my fogs and sleep, I lead a rich life and ponder many things. I have touched on topics before, and remember them not at all until something brings the memory, maybe the emotions that belonged with it, and perhaps whatever else from that past time forth with it. This happened, and I see some of the depths of my despair with this one. That hurt, a lot. It still does. I am not sure how to manage these things now that I cannot forget. Nor am I sure how to manage this particular item itself. I think I am alone, in many ways. I have always been alone. No matter who is with me, no matter how close in proximity, no matter how strong the love. I cannot even begin to talk to most people. I say words but there is seemingly no understanding. It would be akin to you describing a rose in immaculate detail and having the other person only receive the idea of ‘red’. I cannot really say if this is my failure, theirs, or just the way it is. Tears have and will come and go on this one. At least when I was more crippled, I fit in better, my tongue, memory, and facilities were nicely clipped, like the bird in the cage. And, I could forget.

The second hit came with a mere question, albeit a powerful one to me. Why do you write? The echo chamber just exploded in a cacophony of “why, why, write, why do you, why write”, on and on it went. Was it a question or an answer, a doubt, a fear, a disparagement. Whatever it was, was it his or mine? Whoever was to posses whatever it was, what is the reason behind it. Perhaps reeling from the first blow, I was unable to process this properly. Perhaps depth or dimension is beyond my capacity to process. Perhaps I should not write.

The answer is; because I do, that is all. And, I am happy with that answer. I just do not know. Should I write?

Then, perhaps, I am just weary. Sleep calls and I follow it’s call. There is tomorrow.