I have made a dozen decisions today which will be implemented over a period of months. The first decision was implemented today. I asked for the keys to my place back from my “girl friend”. She had been allowed to use my washer and drier on the proviso that she do some work around the house while she was doing her laundry. Actually, I have been paying for her cell phone, which also was supposed to be remunerated via housework. I have received nothing in the way of work done. As well, though she was welcome to my larder, should she need, she was not given free rein to just take whatever whenever. Either she has been or someone else is getting into my apartment. Neither would surprise me, so, the keys are no longer in her possession and I am making the locking of my door an art. The windows will show if they are being entered. I did it, as well, in such a manner that would not allow her to make copies before returning keys. This woman is not to be trusted. A typical feminist, she is equal until she needs, then she does whatever she wants, yet somehow convinces herself she is still equal to good men. Maybe to my eastern neighbors, where her equality is obvious (they also have no morals, so I am quite sure they believe in equality as well, and take, push, and threaten to get what they want within that type of equality). She just did not understand that friendship is a two way street, and perhaps that all she was and would ever be is a friend. Perhaps in spite of her turning down my marriage request (while I was weak and stupid) and me moving out (which, oddly, surprised her), that she no longer had relationship claims to me or mine. She knows now, however, how it works.
Beyond, I probably will not be taking physics. I think one of my commenters suggested that physics might not be the thing to advance in the lead up to an away time. Yeah, ok, I see it. Though, that isn’t the real reason. It would have been a monumental struggle against a system weighted against me. Even if I can do the material, with a great deal of struggle, I realize I will never get there. I would need to reassess my level of competency in several areas and take a few lesser courses to gain skill in certain areas, physics for sure. I am sadly behind the cue ball on this and am too tired to really fight my way through another timed course. I am running out of energy in calculus, so that even though I am getting the material, mastering it even, it is going to be a nightmare to finish well. I am exhausted, day and night, after and before sleeping, and cannot get restful sleep no matter what I do. I realize I might be able to overcome one of those obstacles, but not both. It is time to just start figuring out how to survive. The money could be put to better use on outdoor gear, the time could better be spent in the field, the energy I can maintain must be spent wisely, as something is shorting my system, leaving me with too little energy and when it goes is never certain.
I will probably getting off the internet in the next few months as well. I cannot keep my computer clean. The software I have does not seem to be up to the task (Zone Alarm Security Suite, kept up-to date, with spy-ware, anti-virus, and firewall all optimized to the best of my ability and functioning, along with MS’s firewall (they do work together, apparently)). So, I am getting out of the whole ball of wax. I can tell my machine isn’t under my control yet cannot find what has taken over or is using it. Best to know when you are licked and just get out.
That does not leave a lot of hope. And, I am not really happy about these realizations. But, as a man, I have to realize life and reality are hard and true. I need to go ‘retire’ somewhere away from this Godless place, find some peace, and just roll on until I finally, graciously, am allowed to go to the only place that will ever be home for me. In some way, this is a relief. I know I did what I could. I know that, barring anything else, I do not fit in this world.
Truth be told, I would rather die being mauled by a bear or falling out of a tree or down a mountain than to slowly eat poison handed out in Social Medicine™ Nursing Homes (coming to your community, soon). Unless, of course, they really do intend to eat the old, visa vie Soylent Green. It will probably be a quick sharp whack to the head, which seems nice and painless. Hey, if the atheists (think socialists, communists) do gain rule, and she is well on her way, simply understand that they consider us animals. If that becomes the law, long pig will no longer just be for socializing, it will be the next “What’s for dinner, ah, meatloaf surprise.” Just ask the North Korean’s for sure, probably the Vietnamese, most likely most such nation’s peoples.
Sounds like a wise move re the girl friend and physics.
ReplyDeleteI hate the thought of you leaving here, though. Maybe something will work out yet. I hope so.
I will certainly see if she is interested in actually just being a friend or not, now. She can no longer just use my house as a crash pad/laundromat. She cannot just come and go. And her attitude did change. She was a bit miffed, good. She was abusing a trust, definitely one way, possible other ways.
ReplyDeleteAs for leaving the internet and blogging, I have a few thoughts running through my mind about how to work around that. I think this machine has been compromised, component wise. I don't really know how to fix that. As well, I am wondering if someone has my net address down, and hit it for specific reasons. The left and academics seem to have zero morals. Anything they do is fine, really, so long as they don't get caught. So, a change in machine and server might work. I am looking at ways around this, the only real way is a new machine and a new service.
Since I will be traveling, a laptop and a mobile service might be best, but and again, $$$$. I have given myself a few months to try and figure out/fix this before dumping everything.
In the end, I just won't worry. You shouldn't either:) Now, if I were the one attacking this system, I would make damn sure I couldn't be traced. If I find out who, or who all is doing this, someone will get a knock on their door they won't be able to refuse, and an offer of a similar nature. They had best be in Burma, or Bangladesh, though that is no guarantee. A $50 money transfer there buys a LOT, $1000 buys generals and police chiefs. Not a threat, really. A promise.
Bah, they probably have nothing to worry about though. I am too tired too often, somewhat lazy anyway, and can barely test through material I know. Ha.
The girl friend was past due for a sharp wake-up call (my opinion: you were badly taken advantage of) and hopefully, the new attitude will stick.
ReplyDeleteGlad there might be some solutions to the computer issue. Good luck with that :)
I still hated to do it. She has no one, really. She's the proverbial red-headed orphaned step-child. And some of this may not have been her doing. But for my own sanity, I had to stop what she was obviously doing wrong. With relationships, there is give and take. Sometimes way more than we think we can tolerate. But the key is "give" and take.
ReplyDeleteUsually, I don't care. I give a lot of rope to those I prefer. They can produce a noose or create a knot that binds. Some of my relationships never get this far, so it's moot, she did get this far. Since I'm not the type to hang myself, well, 1 out of 2 has to use the produce of the relationship, so... *sh...wing* hehe I still like her, I've just installed some limits since she wouldn't use common sense or courtesy.
Yes, actually, without the physics course expenses, and a sooner move, I am looking at laptops and changing to a satellite phone. I am hoping the technology will advance enough that I can get reasonably priced reasonably fast connections that way. The phone is an excellent means of communications in the mountains anyway, if like all other systems, not perfect. Satellite phones and service packages are actually fairly reasonable now. It's just the internet speed that has me holding back on that (using the phone and satellite as my server, ISP, whatever you know it as). I'm holding out for 100k bpm (plus) internet connection. And I won't need a burning fast computer, but I am hoping to install my matlab and maple so I need some muscle. Yes, I plan on goofing with physics, calculus, and some other things while I am away, during the downtimes.