At one point in my life there was not enough time. I wished for extra hours in the day and days in the week to do all the things available to do. I wanted to talk to this peer or that senior, I wished to learn chess and play basketball, I wanted to take long walks or bike rides to nowhere and back. There were so many things I did not know, so much of what I knew, I did not understand. Time existed, yet slipped through my fingers like the coin of a drunkard at the pub. And yet time remains. Though I understand more than I even then knew, and know more than I thought possible, some significant portion of which I wish I had never learned. I have years, decades even, left to me.
In these years, though, it is not time which I desire. I am rich with time, if my use of it is limited by my incapacity, it is still there like few men will ever know. It is filled with nothing, now, however. My wishes remain as well, yet I am frozen by things I do not understand and so my will is not my own in attaining my dreams. As well, I am alone. Time is no longer a gift I desire, but a curse, I think, for being weak and stupid, bad, or wrong.
It seems as if every hand is set against me. It makes me wonder if I am Cain. Am I marked for others to see yet I cannot see? My friends are liars, thieves, cheats, and curs, or so it turns out, save few. I seem blind to this, yet am not. I severe these ties when I see the truth, yet the pain of the cut does not only harm them. Perhaps it harms them none at all. I do bleed with each passing of a hope. One would think time would be with me on this, allowing me to scar or callus beyond pain. Here again, time is not on my side.
I do not know where life goes from here. I know I have asked my Father to take this time, to give it to another who so desperately needs it, a young mother dying of breast cancer, a father who only wishes to see his child born, or a person who so loves life, giving, and enjoying all therein. I wish for him to simply release me, to lift this cross. I swear it is far far too heavy. I think, perhaps, he has made a mistake to gift me with this. Yet I remain. Exhausted, hollow, empty, wishing only to serve and love, yet failing, it seems, to make any impression on a vampiric world. Each tear, each fear, each thought, I give these to the Lord, little prayers. Each additional breath an act of contrition, a pain, a torture.
I will go on. It is what has been given me. It is all I can honestly do, at this point. I will not be an engineer. I will not be a musician. I will not be a cleric. I will be a broken man with little dreams which cannot be filled until my centuries are finally through. I wish I could leave you with something, but there is nothing left to give, nothing inside or out that has not been beaten or stolen or lost. Save prayers, many warm, wet, clear, prayers.
You have fought too hard and too long to stop now, my friend!
ReplyDeletePerhaps, instead of trying to choose your path it is time to let the path find you.
There is something and someone in this world for you. Open your mind, not to look for possibilities, but to allow the possibilities to present themselves to you.
Be patient with yourself. This might be a very good time to talk to a priest you trust and admire.
...or, write or call a friend who is more than willing to listen.
Please.
It's your duty to go on... it's His plan.
ReplyDeleteBoth of you,
ReplyDeleteI know, and I will, go on that is. As I said, in the worst of times, when it feels as if the world is set against me, when every hand seems to betray me, steal from me, or hold me down, I will live on, if simply as an act of contrition. Further, I will try to do so without letting that pain become the focus of my life or worse, letting that become my way of life. I certainly am an undeserving lot, at my worst, at my best, I am just unaware of my undeserving nature. *laughs* Hey, I've gotta have a little humor about all this.
I am still not through this. I have no one to turn toward, no one I can trust, and my shallow pool of friends is shrinking as I have lost trust. Still, I am doing what I can to mend some fences, bolster other fences, and move on, while trying to do what is right for me. I just do it sadly, heavily, and alone, for now.
This, too, will pass. And, the sun will shine again. Up and down, life is not a constant. Hope, faith, and charity are, and I have some access to those and belief in them, and so I will manage.
I hope I am still in your pool of friends.
ReplyDeleteJean,
ReplyDeleteI should just say, yes, indicating you are in my pool of friends. However, I should add, being who and what I am, you would most certainly know if that changed. I don't just end a friendship and slink away, leaving people in the dark. If I seem to slink away, it isn't you, it's me (really, I hide under rocks for long periods, mostly just because I can). For my part, there has to be a strong reason for ending a relationship, it has to be factual and quantifiable (mostly) if not necessarily financial or anything, and both parties will know why. Urhm, is there something you aren't telling me? *laughs*
My fear, though I really will not and cannot change this, is that people will drop my friendship when they understand my beliefs more fully. I do, and have to, believe what I believe, even if that is sometimes wrong.
Neither do I leave a friendship easily. I don't find it necessary to agree with someone all the time to maintain a friendship. The differences usually make it more interesting.
ReplyDeleteI can understand the fading away/hiding under a rock also. It is in my nature to do the same at times. And, then, it is usually because of my true friends that I come back.
Stay strong, my friend, and be well in yourself.
Doom, I've been where you're at. I've been dead, paralyzed, broken beyond belief. I've lived with a lot of pain for the last 20 years. I've been dumped by most women I've dated. Maybe that's why I stay alone. Yet, through it all, God has kept me around, and mostly happy, looking forward to what the next day brings. He's kept alive in me a simple, innocent joy at the world around me which He created. Through it all, there is always a ready smile in me for who ever needs it, whether they ask for it or not. I don't know why He keeps me alive, there must be a reason, though, He hasn't made me privy to it yet. He carries me every day, gives me hope. In Him. He believes in you, though you may not see it at this time. Trust Him and let go of the rest. It's not worth worrying about.
ReplyDeleteBilliam,
ReplyDeleteGood words, and I am trying, the Lord really does know. On the good side, I won't snap, can't really break, nor will faith in Him fail. So, I always have a seed with which to plant for a harvest in better climes, 'soil', or times. Thanks for the kind notions and sharing. It is good not to be alone (in my whisperings).