A conclusion?

Or two.

I have been considering the world, myself, my place in the world, among men, and how all that works. I have come to two conclusions. The first is that the whole world, the universe, even all other men, to include women and children, and all of the nature of these peoples, animals, places and things were created uniquely for me. Indeed, the universe does revolve about me. Startling, but I believe that to be true. The second conclusion is that, in all of these things I just discussed, I am irrelevant. I am unsure if this irrelevancy is based on the first fact, which makes some odd sense when weighed in totality, more on that later, or if it is a singular and dual truth, created in opposition to the first truth, for it’s own purposes, or for some other unspecified reason. Yet, I stand by both of these statements as fact.

When I say creation was tailored to me, I do not mean that everything is for me. What I do mean is that everything I come in contact with, whether it be the waitress at my favored breakfast stop or some man on the street with whom I share some moment. Even if the woman or the man merely catches my attention as interesting or threatening, one they do not intend, understand, share, or even realize, they are doing exactly as intended and do just what it was they do, knowingly or not and beyond the simple self knowledge they might own about the incident. As well, how I react is rather mechanical, how I choose to act based on that reaction, however, is my own. Will, in the end, I choose to do right when it opposes my simple best interest, will I choose to do what could and would be expected from a natural course of events, or will I choose to take such advantage that I essential “cheat the game”? Oddly, I do believe the “game” will allow me to do each, often with little or no resistance, in truth. I know what I want to do, I know I do not always do it, and I know I cannot count the deeds, good, “neutral”, and bad. I am pretty sure, however, that statistic is a known quantity.

In spite of this, nothing I do or say will change, one iota, that which will be. It is like being in a play where all the roles are divvied, each actor is dressed and readied, each knows their part. Improvisation does exist, seeming accident and illness creates gaps which are filled well or poorly, yet it is built into the system so that no character may radically alter what will happen. No one can take the stage who does not belong. And the show must go on. It is a play, written for me, which I star in, and yet have no ability to truly alter even knowing these things. It may be that the universe being designed for me makes it so that I do not have an affect on it. It might be like a pivot point, everything spins about that, yet the point itself is somehow free from work, motion, or even actual action in spite of being the element about which the event it realizes is based. Or, urhm, something like that. Or perhaps it is simply as if being a star in the play, I am watching a recording of the event, as if before, with full memory. I know when this stumble will occur, yet can do nothing, I know when that dropped line will happen, but nothing I say can change it. Odd, now that I think about, it seems as if I HAVE seen this thing before, though my memory of the play isn’t fresh. It seems I only have a general feel, an indistinct notion of the next bit, an overview. Wish I could remember the stock reports at least! Still, it might just be for other reasons that one has no real power. A prime one is that, even as a child of God, even as a willing servant to God, I yet have none of my inheritance, therefore, no real power. It is written that faith can move mountains, yet what faithful has done so? Without the will of God to carry it, such will not, yet, be done.

This seemingly mutually excluding nature of reality seems impossible, like splitting hairs into an octet of fibers with your pocket knife. And, so it is. I cannot say that one can then split hairs as such, however, I am saying that perception of possibility and actual possibility are not always as they seem. At one time it was considered bio-mechanically impossible for a man to run a 4 minute mile. High school athletes do that, now. Heck, some woman might have done it? It is a troubling set of notions, however. Perhaps like being the king of nowhere, a legitimate king with no land, subjects, or power. And that, I believe, is the truth. Where does it lead, what does it mean, how can that work? I think it is rather simple if one simply “goes long”. Do not look for your kingdom in this time or place any more than you would have looked for your first steak and glass of wine in the womb. Wait, it comes. Oh, maintaining some humility about the thing might also be wise.