Life as it stands.

First, thank you, dear readers, for being there in my moments of doubt. I apologize for not having posted your comments. I must have read the email postings and just thought I had posted them, mistakenly through my exhaustion and fugue. Your words and advice are welcome. Your care and concern is appreciated. And your nature allows the small light of faith in man I yet retain to stay lit, grow a bit, and be warming, hopefully to one day be more fully shared than what I am able on this day to do. Thank you.

I still have not completed a few safety details. In honesty, I am not sure they will work and they are expensive. I feel aggravated and agitated, unable to sleep I am becoming less able to function. I will have to find some relief, somehow, yet cannot seem to trust what to do or who to trust. It is not so much a fear of the loss of goods or even death. Beside being insured, material goods really are not my main focus. And death, as has been noted here previously, is not something which would even hurt my feelings so long as I tried to survive (though, if someone “kills” me, I hope they do it right this time and lop off my head for surety, I do not want to come back again). Some of the few things I have and that I truly enjoy might be missed, but not so much as for the loss to be even cried about (whining would be ok). It is the sense of loss of security in a general manner, of potential pain , and perhaps a fear of having to kill someone. I do not mind killing, yet I know there are costs associated with it, costs to include a set of bones rattling in a closet full of ghosts (from many and varied sources) already keeping me awake some nights, or hiding even inside my sleep. As well, my general ability to trust anyone or anything or any system has declined. All added, I am in a miserable state and am possibly unable to fix it without intervention. Yes, being a psychic gimp has some serious downsides.

On the up side, I still enjoy those with whom I come into contact, as I may. I still enjoy the school work, if paranoia has lessened my ability to trust even my professor, his testing methods, and his intentions (a professor could easily see my strengths and weakness and test against these, score more harshly (if ever so slightly), and dump even the (not that I am, but) most intelligent, hard working, ethical student in his class if he or the system he is a part of, decide to do so). I think I will enjoy learning about the router, setting it up, and then living in some safety this way. I might also enjoy (though not the expense of obtaining) a software security suite which really works, setting it up, and the security of having it working.

Beyond, and just for kicks, I will probably buy another computer game. I have heard Halo 3 is too linear, X-box lackadaisical (intellectual challenge is 3rd grade), and typical, so I am not sure where to go for entertainment. I just finished Tomb Raider: Anniversary, and the time trials within the game, so it is time to seek a new challenge. It was a decent game, if keyboarding was a bit (very) tricky and required changing the controls from one type of activity to another (then remember if the change had been made before leaping to the safety of... urhm, falling to my death, arghhh). Though it was rather linear, following Laura is one of those little joys, being the man and boy I am. Quality wasted time is always rewarding, or some such nonsense.

Oh, I have been in many debates regarding marriage, family life in America, and other related topics recently. One of my critiques is the disinterest of American women in having babies. Should you wish to be a father, and your wife be a typical ‘American Woman’, I have done the homework and have a solution. My guess is this would be quite cheap and very sure, legally (compared to, you guessed it, American women). There is a place where you can find out more, here.


I am surely planning on leaving in August. There is nothing in Sodom and Gomorrah which binds me, I am not welcome, and I do not fit. Beyond, the education system seems more of a purification of Sodomite and Gomorrahan “ethics” than an escape from them. Christians are recommended to be quiet about their views, as are patriots, real (constitutionally enumerated) rights activists, and sound (fiscally conservative) proponents. This, of course, means any moral coding from those sources must be not only silenced, but set aside. As one who cannot and will not do so, I am alone in a sea of evil intent. What is said, done, and seen in Sodom, stays in Sodom, or so the banner reads. Thankfully, I do not abide by Swahili. I do not believe I will reveal where I am going, and it is not where I had anticipated. As well, I may end my blog. I am unsure about the last. If I can not be extremely secure in whatever method of access to the internet available to me, I will no longer participate.

All in all, it is not bad. I still do trust God. I do trust some men. And I know, however this whole ball of wax called human existence goes and then ends, there can be only one. Only one winner that is. This, aside from all the chaos, illusion, and cacophonic whispering to the otherwise, has never been in doubt. Neither this fact nor Who will win have ever been a doubt that is more than just a hope for the damned, a lament in moments of weakness for the faithful, and a cause for the dark periods of man’s history here on earth. Time will not tell, I will, however, repeat, simply what is: God will win. As well, I am not just a cheerleader, if I may also not be a regular attendant. I attend where I am, as I may, how I know I should, and I know solace in this if regret at being too broken to fully, or more fully, participate in respecting His day in the company of others. I only hope that I may please He Who is forever mature, my Father, Brother, and the Spirit.