Fighting… (Day 21, technically and here)

Do you really want to know how to fight? First question, have you ever been in a fight before? If the answer is no, less than 5, really, less than many, there is no real way to train you. I, or much better trainers, could teach you how to stand, move, attack, defend, and when to run. Yes, run, in war, there is no room for pride. Tuck that up around warm fuzzies, fear, and a few other things, and learn how to deal with or ignore those super fast or over-ride them (depending on humidity, mood, feel of the thing, etc) as you go into war. No matter what anyone teaches you, however, this learning means nothing without context. Think of it this way, if I told you how to do calculus, could you do it? If you did not already know how, the answer would be “No”, do not jive me or you.

So, you really want to learn how to fight? Ok, but you are probably not going to like this. As well, if you are really that stupid, understand you may not survive. There is only one way to learn how to fight, that is by getting the stupid kicked right out of you. Yes, you will have to fight. Most likely you will be fighting people who know how to fight and probably even enjoy it. Needless to say, you will lose. You will lose not once, not twice, you will lose until you strengthen up, smarten up, and mean up. After you have had your ass handed to you several times, then I would guess is about when you might consider going in for training. At this point, you will understand some things. At this point, when your teacher shows you something, you will know why that is better and he will have your attention. When he shows you how to avoid pain, it will mean something. When he shows you how to inflict pain in order to end the thing without death, you will understand that. And, when he teaches you how to know you are way out of your league and how to manage that, it will grab you like pliers on your testicles. Sorry ladies, this is for men only. You, ladies, might be able to avoid, escape, elude, and a few other things, but you will never be trained to tackle a male warrior of any quality, thankfully there are guns. Get one, learn it, practice, and be quiet.

Now, if you are psychotic enough to be interested in fighting, and really are going through with it, I might suggest starting out slowly. Perhaps country bars, go in dressed like a city slicker (nowadays most people in those bars are city slickers dressed as cow pokes and cow girls, it is the notion that will upset things). Then act like they are hicks and should accommodate you. Insulting pretty women who are in the company of a man (or not for a real stir) is one good way of getting the thing going. Noticing some are actual city slickers and laughing about that works too. Whatever, at this point I would advise you to stick to country, rock, and maybe punk bars for your experience. Keep whichever venue you choose relatively mainstream. Your chances of just getting pounded upon are good, and control should be kept in those situations by the establishments. Keep the hell away from biker bars, sailor bars, marine bars, and a few other places. You have not earned your keys to these and may end up worse than a little bruised. You probably cannot even physically take the pounding yet, let alone what else you might face. You need to learn to pick your fights, then survive them, before tackling those last. Oh, if you have the capacity, in and out friend. Give and take some licks, then get out fast. Later, learn how to lure the thing outside, once you think you can survive (and limit your draw).

Now, after you have been pounded into the dirt a few times (maybe even gotten lucky and won), it is time to seek a trainer. Boxing is not bad, but it is a slow way to learn. Wrestling has some advantages, but like boxing, it is a slow way to go. I really would focus on practical hand to hand combat initially. Stay away from Tae Kwan do until you have improved simpler and more direct applications, legs last in my opinion. After you have mastered hand-to-hand (better several forms of hand-to-hand in a mixed bag), go on to legs, wrestling, or maybe boxing for fitness. How far you go depends on how far you want to take it. Now, telling most sensei you are actively engaging in live wild combat might not be easy, but you must do this. Most likely, he will disengage training. However, I suspect you will eventually find a master who understands. He might even, eventually, wish to watch and critique. Oh, horrors… Yes, sometimes a good master understands that training is useless without live-fire exercises. The dojo is fine, but it is controlled, so there is much that can be missed.

Well, that is my opinion. Granted, I have never officially been trained. I learned to fight as a tot, I learned how to take damage, think on my feet, and deliver horror, pain, and whatever else was necessary in order that I might, if not always prevail, at least come out with the least damage possible. You might be surprised what a little experience, keen senses, a hungry yet controlled vengeance, and keeping one’s head on one’s shoulder really can accomplish. Anything I may or may not have come into contact educationally after my teens was merely a refresher. Oh, I also think you are an idiot, most likely. If you have not been lead to become a fighter to this point, you probably never will. You will be trading in what you are for something you may not be able to handle being, and you might not survive the trek. I have spent nigh on to 15 of the last 20 years hiding from that life. Only the last 5 years have I finally decided to face that. Still... Es ist mir egal.

(This article is for entertainment purposes. Any legal responsibility lies solely with the reader. This is neither meant to be actual practical advice, nor literally interpreted in any manner which might induce actionable responses.)

Go, go, go, get em’!!!