Perfect.

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I have been working out, swimming, keeping my appointments, taking my medicine, and staying on top of several projects. I have been trying to eat better and I have been tracking my diet. I will swim this morning and then go to my first day of classes. Initially, I will be taking two physics courses and ‘probability and statics for engineers’. I will be dropping one of the physics courses by next Monday. Actually, it will be good to start out with a heavier load and then lightening that. Yes, I will do the homework, labs, discussion, and anything else required for the time that I am taking the courses. Personally, I am hoping the homework is heavy so that I can see more clearly which course to drop. I would love to take the heavier physics course, if I can, as that would end my requirements for physics and put me closer to being on schedule academically. I have some doubts, however.

I am actually functioning within a low. I am tired, I am confused, and I am alone. How do I keep doing what I have been doing? I keep doing it because I realize I will be just as tired if I do not keeping working, moving, showing up, and such. Actually, I would be worse off. Remember that week I took away from activity and involvements? I was more exhausted from doing nothing than I am from being, seemingly, too busy. I truly feel trapped. Doing nothing is death, doing what I want and feel the need to do is empty. I am numb. I guess it is better than being dead.

Now, this is a low. Can I make it through this low without losing my grip? Can I function while numb without losing track of where my feet need to be as I move across the tight rope? I am flying blind. This is the farthest I have been since I have been ill. But I am so far beyond where I have ever been in that, before I was ill, I was not flying blind. And more, I was probably not able to do engineering level work before I was ill. I know, it is strange. It might even sound contrary, which I cannot deny. The blind can “see” what they might never have been able to “see” with their eyes functioning. No, I do not believe in the super-hero thing. I do, however, believe in adaptation. I am just not sure how much faith I have in adaptations themselves. Am I walking a tightrope, or just walking off a cliff?

In a few hours, I will begin the week, and the experiment. At least it does not hurt, not anymore. I am numb, remember. Perhaps “Perfect” is not quite correct. I have had worse.